Trusting Him (24 page)

He felt God's presence. He felt strength when he shouldn't have felt strong. He glanced up at the steeple that gleamed in the pale moonlight. It reached heavenward, tall and steady. He looked up at the brilliant midnight-blue sky twinkling with millions of stars.

God knew the ache he felt, the fear of losing himself in this mess. He wanted to help Katherine and the kids with hollow eyes who were on a path of destruction they no longer recognized as a threat.

In the process, he didn't want to lose what he had gained. He didn't want to lose this place, the friendships that he had built or the trust of these people. Or Maggie. And he didn't want to lose himself.

He walked back to the retaining wall. It was dark, but a nearby streetlight cast a line of orange light onto the pavement. He tossed the ball and when it bounced back he gave it a hard hit that shot it against the concrete, returning it with more force. He hit harder.

A car rattled to a stop. He grabbed the ball and glanced back at the parking lot, groaning as Maggie got out and walked toward him. Her smile wavered. She stopped a short distance away, looking unsure.

"I didn't expect company."

"I didn't expect to see anyone here at midnight."

"What are you doing out this late?" He hit the ball again, swinging when it returned.

"I was at Faith's and then I went to Wal-Mart. I like to go when it's quiet."

Her voice came from a short distance away. He shot a quick look in that direction and hit the ball again. He considered telling God that he didn't need her, that this was a distraction he could do without. He couldn't lie to God.

"You cut your hair."

His hand went to the back of his head and he nodded. He turned to offer her a smile. "Yeah, it was getting on my nerves."

"It looks nice."

"Thank you." He set the racquet and ball down on a bench. She took a few steps toward him, close enough that he could almost reach out and touch her. He was so tired of being lonely. And she was here. He could ask her to go for coffee. She would do it, he knew she would.

"Maggie, you shouldn't be here, talking to me."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard yet. Michael, I'm here for you. Whatever is going on, you can tell me."

What he wanted to tell her was that he could be counted on. Not all men walked away from their commitments. And sometimes things appeared a certain way, but there was an explanation.

She stood in a circle of orange light, darkness on the periphery, making it feel as if they were alone in the world. She stared up at him, waiting for something that would help her to understand. And he couldn't give it to her. He couldn't tell her what he was doing, or why. Doing that would put an end to everything.

He couldn't take the chance that she would tell or that someone else would find out. If it got around. If Vince found out that his suspicions were true, it could all be over. The rats would go back in their holes and the past few weeks would be for nothing. He couldn't tell Maggie anything.

"We're friends, and you can talk to me."

"I don't need you, Maggie." The words slipped from his lips, not even close to the truth, but the only way that he could push her away. It didn't work this time. This time she stood her ground.

"Fine, you don't need me." Anger flashed, wiping away the moment of pain he had seen in her eyes. She squared her shoulders and her chin came up. "Go ahead, then, ruin your life and the second chance you've been given. Toss away our friendship."

"Thanks, Maggie, that's exactly what I needed to hear." He smiled as he said the words, but each accusation she had tossed at him hit the mark.

"I don't want to lose you." Her words hit as sharply as his. "I don't want you to be like my mother, telling me that you're clean and then one day being taken away in an ambulance. She never came back, Michael. I don't want to lose you to this. I can't take losing another person that I care about."

Her voice was thick with emotion and tears were rolling down her cheeks. He took a step forward but stopped short of reaching for her. He started to tell her he wouldn't let her down, but she shook her head, turned and walked away.

It had been his plan to push her away. He had never meant for them both to be hurt like this. He had never realized how much he would want to hold her.

Forever.

M
aggie watched as Chance and a few of the other boys, supervised by Pastor Banks, carried her grandmother's furniture back into the house. After three years of saving, Maggie had finally managed to buy new carpeting for the entire house. It felt good.

And she felt empty. When one of the girls asked Maggie if she wanted a glass of iced tea, Maggie nodded and accepted the plastic cup with a smile. Four months ago she had felt like she had her life all tied up with a neat little bow.

Everything had been in order, including her emotions. Michael Carson had unraveled her well-ordered life. He had forced her out of her comfort zone. And now what?

She was outside her safety zone and he wasn't here, that was what. It made her mad, thinking that way, that he had been the one to push her this far, to make her think she could trust. And now he was gone. Not gone, just missing in action.

"You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself."

Maggie turned, shocked by her grandmother's words. It seemed like an echo of what she had just been on the verge of telling herself. She was strong. She was a survivor.

Michael. He was strong, too.

It should have been easy to move on. It would have been easy if she hadn't fallen in love. It defied logic, that she could have fallen so easily after so many years of protecting her heart.

"Maggie, it isn't over, you know." Grandma patted her arm with a warm hand. "He needs for you to continue to believe in him. He needs your prayers."

"I'm still praying." Hadn't she recently witnessed a prayer answered? It had taken years, but she now had a father and he was a very real part of her life.

She even felt like she had forgiven him.

Would it take years for her prayers for Michael to be answered? She closed her eyes at the heaviness of that thought. She hoped it wouldn't. But when he did come back to them, would he be a changed person? Someone other than the Michael she had come to care for?

Pastor Banks and Chance walked out of the house, the two nudging each other in a friendly dispute. Chance was another prayer answered. He was coming to church now. His grades were improving. More than that, his attitude was improving.

Michael had helped so much. He had given something to these kids, especially to Chance. For that reason she had to trust him. And there were other reasons to keep trusting. Her heart being the biggest. It wouldn't let her give up.

Michael had parked in a lot across from the church, hoping he would see Maggie. He just wanted to see for himself that she was okay. And he needed to remind himself of what he was working for and why.

For two weeks he had been living in his past. He had gone places and seen people that he had hoped he would never seen again.

He had been tempted and he had survived.

Leaning against the steering wheel of his car, he peered through the sheets of rain, making out the images of people running from the church to their cars. Only one person captured his attention.

Today she wore a white shirt and a blue skirt, and her honey-blond hair was pulled back in a braid. Her father ran behind her, holding up an umbrella. Jacob Simmons was sheltering his daughter for the first time in her life.

Michael felt the catch in his heart. The empty ache grew. He wanted to jump out of his car and go after her. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her the truth. To keep her safe he had to let her believe the lies, the careful web of deception he had spun around himself. Even his parents were starting to believe the rumors.

He could even imagine what people were saying: Michael Carson, prison hadn't taught him a thing. Oh, sure, he had put on a good show for everyone. He had professed faith, gone to church, helped troubled youth, but it had all been an act.

He leaned his head against the steering wheel and took a deep breath. He had at least hoped that Maggie might believe in him. But then, he had done his best to make sure she didn't.

He whispered a prayer that she would heal and that she would find someone to trust, someone who would take care of her. As he whispered that prayer he realized something. He realized that God had already sent someone to love Maggie Simmons. Michael loved her. He wasn't noble enough to want someone else in her life. He sighed, allowing himself to accept that fact. He loved her.

It was more than a need for friendship, more than a desire to have someone there for him. She was more than a partner in ministry. He loved her.

He could even be strong enough for her. He knew that now. He had been tested and survived. He had been tempted and he had withstood the temptation.

But would she want him in her life when he had done everything in his power to push her away? Would she want him, when he brought her pain and made her think of a mother who hadn't been able to stay clean?

Michael shifted into Reverse and backed out of the parking space. He had a job to do, one that he couldn't get out of. He was going to lead the police to a house in the country that was being used for a major drug operation. He had pictures, names and addresses, all of which had been given over to officer Conway. In a few days this would all be over.

And while the bust was going down, Michael was going to try one last time to find Katherine. He had a limited window of opportunity to drag her out of his mess. And afterward? He hoped that Maggie would let him explain. If she didn't? Well, he had learned he was stronger than he thought. He would survive.

He didn't want to think of surviving without her.

A glimpse of red caught Maggie's attention. She glanced toward the street, confirming her suspicions. Michael. He was there, in his car, watching.

"Michael." She felt a catch in her heart as he drove away. It had been two weeks since she'd seen him at the church. Two weeks, and nobody had seen him in that time.

"Maggie, why don't you go ahead and get in the car while I go back to the church for your grandmother?"

Maggie looked up at her dad, at Jacob Simmons. He was actually in her life. And soon he wanted her to go with him to Illinois to meet his wife and to meet her two brothers. He looked down at her, still holding the umbrella as he waited for her to get in the car.

Maybe she should go with him when he left in a few days. It might be good to get away from Missouri and away from thoughts of Michael.

"I need to go after him." She watched Michael's car drive away.

"You can't." He held the door open. "Maggie, I don't know Michael Carson, but it sounds like he's a young man with some problems."

"No, I don't think so. And if he does have problems, shouldn't his friends be there to help him?"

"Not in the rain. Besides he's gone now." He smiled an encouraging smile. "Get in before we're both soaked."

She slid into the back seat. Michael's car had disappeared. That left her to speculate. What had he been doing outside the church? Why hadn't he approached them?

The front door of the car opened and Grandma got in. Maggie's dad closed the door quickly as wind and rain sliced through the opening.

"Maggie, honey, are you okay?" Gran whipped off her plastic rain scarf and turned with a smile in place. "Try not to worry about Michael. I think he'll be back soon."

"I hope so."

On Tuesday afternoon local breaking news interrupted the radio program Maggie had been listening to as she helped her grandmother clean. As the news anchor spoke about a widespread area drug bust, Maggie flipped on the television. The broadcast was live, showing a secluded house set among a thick cover of trees.

Maggie dropped the dust rag on the table and reached for her purse. As she hurried through the house, looking for her lost tennis shoes, her grandmother walked out of the laundry room.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?"

"Gran, I have to go check on Michael."

Maggie walked into her room, thinking her grandmother would follow. Instead she heard the volume on the television go up. When she walked into the living room, her grandmother was sitting in the recliner.

"I think you should stay here and let him come to you."

"He might need me."

"Maggie, you don't even know if he's involved."

Maggie sat, leaning to tie her shoes. "No, I know. But I feel like this has something to do with him. He asked me to trust him. I do. But I need an explanation."

"Did you forget that Faith is on her way over?"

Maggie groaned. "Yes, I forgot. But she might be late. She's working on a new project."

"Maggie, why don't you call Michael? That might be better."

"No, I really want to see if I can find him."

Grandma followed her to the door. As they opened it, Faith pulled up. Maggie kissed her grandmother on the cheek.

"Faith will go with me. I'll be fine."

As she walked down the sidewalk toward Faith, Maggie searched for that confidence she'd felt a few minutes ago. She was going to find Michael. She had allowed herself to lose hope for the last few weeks, thinking that he was slipping and he wanted it that way.

Speculation. She had played the game. She had taken one piece of information and built a story that seemed to fit. But there were pieces missing.

Would a person who was slipping ask someone to trust him, to believe in him? Would he watch from a corner parking lot?

And would someone who believed in him and trusted him let him slip away without a fight? She didn't think so.

Michael sat on his front porch with Katherine. It was shady and cooler than inside the trailer. They had been there for an hour, since Michael pulled Katherine from the house she'd been staying in for the last month. She was shaking, her eyes glassy from the toxic poisons she had been surviving on.