Uncle John’s Briefs (37 page)

STS 48
While stationed in Earth orbit in September 1991, the Space Shuttle
Columbia
’s aft-mounted TV camera recorded video of several unidentified objects that seemed to be “swimming around.” The camera was focused on an experimental tether 44 miles away, and beyond that was
the horizon of the Earth. The glowing white objects intermittently entered the frame, and then turned and swam around, like microbes swimming in a petri dish. After a few minutes, a white flash appeared in the bottom left corner of the screen and suddenly, as if on cue, the little white objects all turned in unison and zoomed out of the frame. A few seconds later, a streak of light entered the frame and seemed to pause. Then, inexplicably, the camera rotated down toward the cargo bay, which was completely out of focus, then rotated back up…and the lights were gone.

NASA has dismissed the objects as “normal ice and debris” that sometimes float around ships in orbit. But these weren’t floating; they were moving independently of each other and changing direction. And the occasional “debris” NASA referred to is usually found close to the ship. The camera was focused miles away on the long tether, and some of the objects appeared to fly
behind
the tether. So what were these things? No one knows for sure. They are truly unidentified flying objects.

FLAMING ARROW
On the night of June 30, 2002, a UFO was sighted across nearly all of central China. It was first seen over the eastern province of Jiangsu, then moved west, over Henan province, then Xiaxi province, and then Sichuan. “At 10:30 p.m., an object resembling a flaming arrow appeared in the night sky,” wrote Henan’s
City Morning Post
the next day. “Then the tail of the fiery arrow opened up like a fan, which emitted bright light. The light-emitting section then changed into a crescent. A fireball on top of the crescent glowed brilliantly. Five minutes later, the UFO disappeared.”

Dozens of other newspapers reported the event, based on thousands of eyewitness accounts. The government had no explanation, except to say that it was definitely not a Chinese craft. Wang Sichao, a well-respected astronomer at Nanjing’s Zijinshan Astronomy Center, studied the reports and photographs, and offered this conclusion: “It is a dimensional flying machine. But whether it is of human origin or extraterrestrial, whether it is controlled inside or remotely, are still unknown. Maybe we will not be able to uncover the truth for many years, but human curiosity will never let us stop searching.”

The name of toymaker Hasbro is short for Hassenfeld Brothers.

TO TELL THE
TRUTH, PART II

Lie detectors have come a long way since the days of “trial by red-hot
poker” (see
page 120
). But are the modern gizmos foolproof?

B
EATING THE SYSTEM
Modern-day lie detectors are pretty sophisticated, but they have the same flaw that the ancients methods did—they all assume that liars, out of guilt or fear of discovery, will have some kind of involuntary physical response every time they lie. But that isn’t necessarily the case, according to most experts. “I don’t think there’s any medical or scientific evidence which tends to establish that your blood pressure elevates, that you perspire more freely, or that your pulse quickens when you tell a lie,” prominent defense lawyer William G. Hundley once said.

Still, many people believe that the polygraph is a useful tool when used in concert with other investigative methods, especially when they’re used on ordinary people who don’t know how to cheat. “It’s a great psychological tool,” says Plato Cacheris, another defense lawyer. “You take the average guy and tell him you’re going to give him a poly, and he’s concerned enough to believe it will disclose any deception on his part.” (Cacheris is famous for having represented Aldrich Ames, a CIA spy who passed a lie detector test in 1991 and then went on to sell more than $2.5 million worth of secrets to the Russians before he was finally caught in 1994.)

FAKIN’ IT
Two tricks to help you beat a lie detector:
• Curl your toes or press your feet down against the floor while answering the “innocent” questions. It can raise the polygraph readings to the same range as the “guilty” questions, which can either make you appear innocent or invalidate the results.
• Stick a tack in your shoe and press your big toe against the sharp point during the “innocent” questions.

Both toe-curling and stepping on a tack during the innocent questions have the same effect: they raise the stress level of your body.

The buttoned flaps on the back pockets of Levi’s jeans are called
arcuates
.

VIDEO TREASURES

Ever found yourself in a video store staring at thousands of films
you’ve never heard of, with no idea what to rent? It happens to us
all the time—so we decided to offer a few recommendations
.

C
OMFORT AND JOY
(1984)
Comedy
Review:
“Quirky, fun little comedy. When a mild-mannered Scottish disc jockey’s girl moves out on him, his world begins to fall apart. He decides to find more meaning in his life by throwing himself into a noble struggle to reconcile two groups battling over territorial rights for their ice cream trucks. Full of dry wit and subtle humor. Sophisticated viewers are more likely to find this good fun.” Music by Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits. (
Illustrated Guide To Video’s Best
)
Stars:
Bill Paterson, Eleanor David.
Director:
Bill Forsyth.

THE FOUNTAIN
(2006)
Science-Fiction
Review:
“A present-day medical researcher works on a cure for cancer. Meanwhile, a 15th century conquistador searches out the Tree of Life. Finally, in 2500, a man tries to regenerate the Tree in the heart of a star. At heart, this is a simple fable about love and death, but keeps viewers enthralled from Mayan temples to space nebulae. A complex and gorgeous mini-epic.” (
Empire
magazine)
Stars:
Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz.
Director:
Darren Aronofsky.

SCOTLAND, PA
(2001)
Comedy/Thriller
Review:
“In this darkly comic and faithful adaptation of
Macbeth
, Joe ‘Mac’ McBeth and his frighteningly ambitious wife both work at a hamburger joint. Mac is full of ideas about the future of fast food, but his boss isn’t listening. When he passes over Mac to give the manager position to his son, Mac’s thoughts turn to murder.”
(TV Guide’s Movie Guide) Director
: Billy Morrissette.

RUN, LOLA RUN (1999)
German/Drama
Review:
“A quick stop for cigarettes derails the normally prompt Lola, and now she has 20 minutes to save her boyfriend Manni. The movie
mixes film, video, and animation to show how Lola’s journey affects those she encounters during her mad dash. A flawless, 81-minute love story perfect for a generation raised on Sega and MTV.” (
Roughcut Reviews
)
Stars:
Franka Potente and Moritz Bleibtreu.
Director:
Tom Tykwer

A fine thing: It would take 500 chinchilla hairs to equal the thickness of a human hair.

BORN INTO BROTHELS
(2004)
Documentary
Review:
“Two American photographers went to Calcutta to film prostitution and hit upon the idea of giving cameras to the children of prostitutes, asking them to take photos of the world in which they lived. The filmmakers bring out the innate intelligence of the children as they use their cameras to see their world in a different way. (There are no scenes that could be described as explicit, because filmmakers did not want to exploit their subjects.) The movie is a record by well-meaning people who try to make a difference for the better.” (Roger Ebert)
Directors:
Zana Briski and Ross Kaufman.

THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING
(1975)
Adventure
Review:
“Old-fashioned adventure and derring-do. Two British soldier-pals try to bamboozle high priests of remote Kafiristan into turning over their riches by convincing them that one of them is a god. The acting is ideal, the script is superb, and the film is entertaining.”
(Leonard Maltin’s Movie
&
Video Guide) Stars:
Sean Connery, Michael Caine.
Director:
John Huston.

LAST NIGHT
(1998)
Drama/Science-Fiction
Review:
“A film about the end of the world that paints a bittersweet picture. The world will end at midnight precisely and we meet a small group of people as they try to face the end with a certain grace and dignity. As the final hour approaches for the characters, there are moments of startling poignancy.” (
Roger Ebert’s Movie Yearbook
)
Stars:
Don McKellar, Sandra Oh.
Director:
Don McKellar.

SHALL WE DANCE?
(1996)
Foreign/Drama
Review:
“This film proves that Japanese filmmakers can fashion charming, feel-good movies every bit as effective as their Hollywood counterparts. The film uses ballroom dancing to explore one man’s struggle for freedom from the suffocating repression of Japanese society. This is a film for anyone who prefers to leave the theater smiling. Winner of 13 Japanese Academy Awards.” (
ReelViews
)
Director:
Masayuki Suo.

Singer Dave Matthews emigrated to the U.S. to avoid service in the South African military.

I TOAST YOU!

On a recent trip to Ireland, Uncle John spent many an evening going
from pub to pub collecting traditional toasts (and many a morning
after, begging for aspirin). Here are some favorites
.

M
ay you have food
and clothing, a soft pillow for your head; May you be forty years in heaven, before the devil knows you’re dead.

For every wound, a balm.

For every sorrow, a cheer.

For every storm, a calm.

For every thirst, a beer.

May the roof above us never
fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

Here’s health and prosperity,
to you and all your posterity, And them that doesn’t drink with sincerity, That they may be damned for all eternity!

Gentlemen, start your livers!

May we live to learn well,
and learn to live well.

May your right hand always
be stretched out in friendship and never in want.

Here’s to warm words on a cold
evening, A full moon on a dark night, And the road downhill all the way to your door.

Success to the lover, honor
to the brave, health to the sick, and freedom to the slave.

May the Lord keep you in
His hand, And never close His fist too tight on you.

Old wood to burn, old books
to read, old wine to drink, old friends to trust.

May misfortune follow you
the rest of your life, but never catch up.

Champagne to our real
friends, and real pain to our sham friends.

May you live as long as you
want, and never want as long as you live.

May I see you gray, combing
your grandchildren’s hair.

May the people who dance
on your grave get cramps in their legs.

Health and long life to you,
The woman of your choice to you, A child every year to you, Land without rent to you, And may you die in Ireland.

The 1937 Oscar, awarded to Spencer Tracy, was mistakenly engraved to “Dick Tracy.”

I CURSE YOU!

Save these classic curses to use against
people who refuse to toast you
.

M
ay the curse of
Mary Maline and her nine blind children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself won’t find you with a telescope.

May your daughter’s beauty
be admired by everyone in the circus.

May the devil cut the head
off you and make a day’s work of your neck.

Six horse-loads of graveyard
clay upon you.

May I live just long enough
to bury you.

May you be afflicted with
the itch and have no nails to scratch with.

All your teeth should fall
out except one, and you should have a toothache in that one.

May the seven terriers of hell
sit on the spool of your breast and bark in at your soul-case.

May you be transformed into
a chandelier, to hang by day and burn by night.

May you win a lottery and
spend it all on doctors.

May the devil swallow you
sideways.

May you live in a house of
100 rooms, and may each room have its own bed, and may you wander every night from room to room, and from bed to bed, unable to sleep.

May you go stone-blind so
that you can’t tell your wife from a haystack.

Your nose should grow so
much hair it strains your soup.

May fire and brimstone never
fail to fall in showers on you.

May you have devoted
children to chase the flies off your nose.

May you back into a pitchfork
and grab a hot stove for support.