Read Uncle John’s Briefs Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Briefs (39 page)
Somewhere in the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident form.
Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
The little flap of cartilage at the opening of your ear is called a
tragus
.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope—in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds.
(I refer you again to my weight.)
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. Somewhere in the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, the broken tooth, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on the pile of bricks; fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of bricks—in pain and unable to move—I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope; I could only lay there watching as the empty barrel begin its journey back down towards me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your questions.
Sincerely,
Thomas L.
Only 22 percent of Canadians own guns, as opposed to 49 percent of Americans.
Some roles are so closely associated with a specific actor that
it’s hard to imagine he or she wasn’t the first choice. But it
happens all the time. Can you imagine, for example…
G
ENE HACKMAN AS HANNIBAL LECTER
(
The Silence of the Lambs
, 1991). Hackman wanted to direct the film, star, and write the screenplay, so Orion Pictures bought the rights to the novel. Then Hackman realized how violent the film would be and dropped out. Director Jonathan Demme signed Anthony Hopkins for the part without telling Orion head Mike Medavoy, who was furious that “an Englishman” would play Lecter. Medavoy agreed on one condition: that Jodie Foster be cast as FBI agent Clarice Starling instead of Meg Ryan. Demme agreed; Foster won her second straight Oscar.
GOLDIE HAWN AND MERYL STREEP AS THELMA AND LOUISE
(
Thelma and Louise
, 1991). Streep wanted to test her comedic talents; Hawn’s film
Private Benjamin
had made $100 million at the box office. They seemed perfect for the film, and wanted to work together. But their schedules were full. “We weren’t available right then,” Hawn says, “and the director, Ridley Scott, wouldn’t wait.” Michelle Pfeiffer and Jodie Foster turned down the film; so did Cher. So Scott gave the parts to Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon.
ELVIS PRESLEY AS JOE BUCK
(
Midnight Cowboy
, 1969). Desperate to be taken seriously as an actor, the King went shopping around for “a more serious movie role.” The part of the male prostitute in
Midnight Cowboy
was one of the parts he considered, but he ultimately turned the film down and did one called
A Change of Habit
instead. Reason: “Since it was about a doctor (Elvis) and a nun (Mary Tyler Moore) in the ghetto, that qualified as being more ‘serious.’”
A Change of Habit
was Elvis’s biggest box office dud;
Midnight Cowboy
won the Oscar for Best Picture and turned Jon Voight into a star.
Another term for counterclockwise:
widdershins
.
AL PACINO AS RAMBO
(
First Blood
, 1982). Pacino wasn’t the first major star interested in the part of John Rambo. (Clint Eastwood, Robert De Niro, and Paul Newman turned it down.) He wanted Rambo to be “a little more of a madman,” and had the script rewritten. But the new draft made the character too dark and nutty, so Pacino passed on the role. So did John Travolta, Michael Douglas, and Nick Nolte. Then Carolco Pictures bought the script and offered it to Sylvester Stallone, who rewrote the insane Vietnam vet into a misunderstood American hero, “kind of like a Rocky movie.”
First Blood
was Stallone’s first non-
Rocky
film that didn’t bomb. It saved his career. The sequel,
Rambo
, established it for good.
DORIS DAY AS MRS. ROBINSON
(
The Graduate
, 1967). Day’s Hollywood image was “the perennial virgin.” “There was something about taking that All-American housewife image and turning it all around,” said producer Larry Turman. “I sent the script to her, but we never heard a thing.” Day later explained that she read the script, but just couldn’t see herself playing the role. So it was offered to Anne Bancroft, who could.
BURT REYNOLDS AS RANDALL P. McMURPHY
(
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
, 1975). When Marlon Brando turned down the part, director Milos Forman had breakfast with Burt Reynolds and told him he was one of two actors being considered for the part. Reynolds was thrilled. “If the other guy isn’t Jack Nicholson,” he replied, “I’ve got the part.” When Forman stopped eating dead in his tracks, Reynolds knew he wasn’t going to get the part. Nicholson got the role, and won the Oscar for best actor.
BURT REYNOLDS AS GARRETT BREEDLOVE
(
Terms of Endearment
, 1983). About 10 years after Reynolds was turned down for
Cuckoo’s Nest
, director James L. Brooks sent him the script for
Terms of Endearment
. The lead had been created especially for him, but Reynolds rejected it. “I’d promised that I’d star in
Stroker Ace
,” he explained later. So Brooks offered the part to Jack Nicholson, who jumped at it. “How many scripts make you cry?” Nicholson said. “I read hundreds of screenplays every year and this one made me think, ‘Yeah, I know just how this guy feels.’ It was terrific.”
Stroker Ace
was one of the more forgettable films of the year;
Terms of Endearment
won Nicholson his second Oscar.
Odds of surviving a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge: 2%. (98% all all jumpers have died.)
You’ve paid your dues at broadcasting school and have finally worked
your way up to becoming a play-by-play announcer in the majors.
Congratulations! Now all you need is your own signature home
run call. (Just don’t use any of these—they’re already taken.)
“Holy Cow!”
—
Phil Rizzuto, Yankees
“Whoa, boy! Next time around, bring me back my stomach!”
—
Jack Brickhouse,
White Sox
“Tell it ‘Bye-Bye, baby!’”
—
Russ Hodges, Giants
“Forget it!”
—
Vin Scully, Dodgers
“Going back…at the track, at the wall…SSSEEEEE-YA!”
—
Michael Kay, Yankees
“Get up, get outta here, gone!”
—
Bob Uecker, Brewers
“It’s deep, and I don’t think it’s playable.”
—
Keith Olbermann, ESPN
“They usually show movies on a flight like that.”
—
Ken Coleman, Indians,
Red Sox, and Reds
“It’s going, going…gone!”
—
Harry Hartman, Reds
(he coined it in 1929)
“Kiss it goodbye!”
—
Bob Prince, Pirates
“Long drive, way back, warning track, wall…you can touch em’ all!”
—
Greg Schulte,
Diamondbacks
“That ball is going and it ain’t coming back!”
—
Jeff Kingery, Rockies
“To the wall and over the wall! Oh, Doctor!”
—
Jerry Coleman, Yankees,
Angels, Padres
“Open the window, Aunt Minnie, here it comes!”
—
Rosey Roswell, Pirates
“
Bonsoir, elle est partie!
” (French for “So long, she’s gone!”)
—
Rodger Brulotte, Expos
Manufacturing rum was colonial New England’s largest and most prosperous industry.
Ever wonder how rock bands get their names? So do we.
After some digging around, we found these origins
.
CHICAGO.
They originally called themselves Chicago Transit Authority, but had to shorten it after the city of Chicago sued.
ALICE COOPER.
Lead singer Vincent Furnier claims to have gotten his stage name from a Ouija board, through which he met a spirit with that name.
EURYTHMICS.
An 1890s system of music instruction that emphasized physical motion.
METALLICA.
Drummer Lars Ulrich was helping a friend name a heavy metal magazine. Ulrich’s two suggestions: 1) Metal Mania (which the friend used), and 2) Metallica.
THE REPLACEMENTS.
They were filling in for another band at the last minute. When the MC asked who the band was, singer Paul Westerberg replied, “The replacements.”
WHITE STRIPES.
While the band members are named Jack and Meg White, the band is named for Meg’s love of red-and-white-striped peppermint candies.
WEEZER.
Lead singer Rivers Cuomo got this nickname in grade school. He had asthma.
THE SMITHS.
They wanted a generic name that wouldn’t suggest anything about the band’s kind of music.
XTC.
Singer Andy Partridge saw an old movie in which Jimmy Durante said, “That’s it, I’m in ecstasy!”
BLACK SABBATH.
From a 1963 Boris Karloff horror movie.
DEF LEPPARD.
Singer Joe Elliot once drew a picture of a leopard with no ears—a “deaf leopard.”
First televised NFL game: the Brooklyn Dodgers vs. the Philadelphia Eagles in 1939. The broadcast reached about 1,000 viewers.
MOODY BLUES.
They named the band in honor of one of their favorite songs—Duke Ellington’s “Mood Indigo.”
BADFINGER.
They were originally called the Iveys. When they signed with the Beatles’ Apple Records label, Paul McCartney gave them this name. It was the original title of the Beatles song “A Little Help from My Friends.”
FALL OUT BOY.
In their early years, they asked an audience what their name should be. Somebody yelled “Fall Out Boy.” They liked it and took it, unaware that it was the name of a character on
The Simpsons
. When they found out, they feared they’d be sued. But
The Simpsons
’ producers thought the band had the name first, and that
they
were going to be sued. (Neither was.)
DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.
Named after a song written by Monty Python collaborator Neil Innes for his 1960s psychedelic group, the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
TLC.
It’s not what you think. It comes from the first letters of each of the group members’ first names: Tionne, Lisa, and Chilli.
EMINEM.
The rapper gave himself this stage name using his initials—M and M (for Marshall Mathers)—spelled out phonetically.
NINE INCH NAILS.
Nine-inch nails were once used in coffins. Singer Trent Reznor made a list of potential band names and settled on this one because “it still sounded good after two weeks” and could be easily abbreviated.
WINGS.
Paul McCartney came up with it while waiting in a hospital
wing
as his wife Linda was giving birth to one of their children.
EVERCLEAR.
Named after an extremely strong (190 proof) grain alcohol.
COLDPLAY.
They stole it from another band that broke up. The original band got the name from a book by poet Philip Horky, entitled
Child’s Reflections, Cold Play
.
Some culinary origins to start your day off right
.
WAFFLES.
Introduced to the United States by Thomas Jefferson, who brought the first waffle iron over from France. The name comes from the Dutch
wafel
. Waffles owe much of their early popularity to street vendors, who sold them hot, covered in molasses or maple syrup. It wasn’t until the 20th century that the electric waffle iron made them an American staple.
ENGLISH MUFFINS.
In 1875, Samuel Bath Thomas moved to America from England, bringing with him his mother’s recipe for “tea muffins.” He started out baking them in New York in 1880. In 1926, he officially named them Thomas’ English Muffins.
FRENCH TOAST.
Really does have its origins in France, where it’s known as
ameritte
or
pain perdu
(“lost bread”), a term that has persisted in Creole and Cajun cooking. Throughout its history in America, it has been referred to as “Spanish,” “German,” or “nun’s toast.” Its first appearance in print as “French toast” was in 1871.
GRAPE JUICE.
In 1869, Dr. Thomas Welch, Christian, dentist, and prohibitionist, invented “unfermented wine”—grape juice—so that fellow teetotalers would not be forced into the contradiction (as he saw it) of drinking alcohol in church. Local pastors weren’t interested, so he gave up and went back to pulling teeth. His son Charles began selling it as grape juice in 1875.