Uncle John’s Briefs (41 page)

D
ear Uncle John: What is all this about “left-brained” and “right-brained” people? Does it have a basis in reality? Or is it the new astrology?

The answer is yes to both. The human brain is largely composed of two hemispheres, the left and the right, each of which is better at certain tasks. Generally, the left side of your brain is the part that handles most of the “logical” aspects of thinking and processing, while the right side handles a lot of the “creative” processes. So, for example, you do math with your left brain, but you do improv dance numbers with your right. People who are better at logical, reality-based thinking are said to be “left-brained,” while people who excel at creative tasks are said to be “right-brained.” So there is some truth to the “left-brain, right brain” theory. But people tend to grossly oversimplify the concept, which makes it like astrology: Whatever scientific underpinnings there are to their understanding of the subject are overwhelmed by miscomprehension of it.

For one thing, no one is wholly “left-brained” or “right-brained”—almost every human is adept at skills from both sides of the hemispheric menu. In addition, not every brain works the same way. More than 75 percent of people predominately use their left hemisphere for language skills—but that still leaves a large chunk of people who have language skills in the right hemisphere, or in both hemispheres. Also, many people erroneously believe that your “handedness” correlates to which side of your brain predominates—so if you’re left-handed, you’re right-brained (the hemispheres are in charge of the opposite sides of the body). But that correlation doesn’t hold up, either—there are plenty of left-handed math geeks and right-handed artists.

In Europe, a moose is known as an elk, and an elk is known as a wapiti.

Dear Uncle John: Why is your heart on the left side of your body?

It’s not. Crack open an anatomy book (or alternately, if you’re a doctor,
crack open a human chest), and you’ll notice that the heart is more or less in the middle of the chest, nestled between the lungs. What makes people think the heart is to the left is that the heart’s left ventricle, a chamber that pumps blood, is larger than the right ventricle. This gives the heart its left-leaning shape, so that the heart intrudes farther into the left side of the body than to the right. It also gives the sensation of the heartbeat coming from left of center.

And why is the left ventricle so much larger than the right ventricle? It’s because of where the ventricles are pumping blood. The right ventricle receives deoxygenated blood that’s just come from the body and sends it off to the lungs to get oxygen. Since the lungs are right next to the heart, it’s not a very long trip, and not that much effort is required. The left ventricle, however, is sending the now-oxygenated blood to all the rest of the body, which requires more force to get the blood to where it needs to go.

Dear Uncle John: Do “double-jointed” people actually have two sets of joints?
No. “Double-jointedness”—the ability to bend your thumbs, elbows, or other joints at odd or extreme angles—is a condition known in medical circles as
joint hypermobility syndrome
. It’s not that these people have more joints than the rest of us do; it’s simply that their joints are more flexible. And while “joint hypermobility syndrome” sounds like a disease, most of the time it’s fairly harmless. Doctors say that somewhere between 10 and 15 percent of children have hypermobility (which is something that anyone who has ever been in a classroom of third-graders knows already), and most of these kids will lose their hyperflexibility over time. Hypermobility often runs in families, and occurs more often in women than in men.

In fairly rare cases, joint hypermobility can be a symptom of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a class of ailments that includes weakened connective tissues at the joints, as well as other phenomena such as hyperelastic skin. People who have hypermobile joints may also be more susceptible to pulls, sprains, dislocations, and other more serious ailments such as scoliosis (curvature of the spine). Finally, a recent study published in the
Journal of Rheumatology
suggests that people who are double-jointed may be slightly more susceptible to fibromyalgia (a pain disorder affecting the muscles and bones) and chronic fatigue syndrome.

Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano on the theme song to
Frasier
.

NEW PRODUCTS

Just when you think everything that could possibly be
invented has already been invented, along comes
something like rejection-letter toilet paper
.

T
RUTH IN ADVERTISING
Say, what’s that suspicious looking device? It’s the “Suspicious Looking Device!” A darkly humorous response to the increased fears of terrorism in recent years, the SLD is a red metal box with dotted lights, a small screen, a buzzer, and whirring motor. What does it do? Nothing. It’s just supposed to
appear
suspicious.

I WISH…FOR AN FTC INVESTIGATION
A company called Life Technology Research International has created the seemingly impossible: a magical wishing machine. You simply speak into the microphone on the Psychotronic Wishing Machine to tell it what you want…then sit back and wait a few days for your wish to come true. Just make sure the machine is on—LTRI says that the wish is far less likely to ever come true if the machine is turned off while the wish is still being “processed.” Nevertheless, results are still
not
guaranteed. How does it work? “Conscious human interaction and energy fields.” Cost: $499.

GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN’
For the cat owner who has everything: A California man has invented the Purr Detector. It’s a small motion detector and light embedded inside a cat collar. Whenever the cat purrs, the collar glows. It’s only available by mail order, so if you need to know if your cat is purring before the Purr Detector arrives, you can always use your ears.

TASTE IS NOT A FACTOR
The gross-out game show
Fear Factor
is no longer on the air, but it’s still going strong with a line of candy based on its most memorable segment: people eating disgusting animal parts. There are lollipops in the shape of a chicken’s foot, pig’s snout, and cow’s heart (flavored lemon, bubblegum,
and cinnamon, respectively) as well as candy sheep eyeballs (mango) and “coagulated blood balls” (mmm…cherry!).

Ancient Egyptians regarded tattoos as a sign of wealth.

POT STICKERS
Many toddlers resist potty training because they’re afraid of the toilet. The white porcelain behemoth is supposed to look a lot less imposing with Toilet Buddies: brightly-colored animal stickers that affix to the toilet, making it look kid-friendly enough for the little ones to use it. They’re available in Poo P. Bunny, Puddles Puppy, and Ca Ca Cow.

NO,
YOU’RE
REJECTED!
Most successful writers had a period of frequent rejection letters from publishers (even Uncle John). Now, jilted authors can happily take out their revenge on those who have denied them literary glory with Rejection Letter Toilet Paper. You go to the Web site of a company called Lulu, upload the text of a rejection letter, and the company prints it onto four rolls of toilet paper for you.

ZOMBIE-UTIFUL
A few years ago, friends of Canadian artist Rob Sacchetto asked him to draw pictures of them as zombies to use as decorations for a Halloween party. Now Sacchetto runs a business selling Zombie Portraits. For $80, Sacchetto takes a photograph of you and uses it as the basis for a hand-drawn caricature of you as a zombie, complete with rotting flesh, oozing brains, and sagging eyeballs.

BRUSH YOUR CASTLE
Sarah Witmer had a tradition with her grandchildren: Whenever they lost a tooth, they’d put it under their pillow and the “tooth fairy” (Witmer) took it away. But this tooth fairy was a little different: A couple of days later, the kid would get a small sculpture of a castle made out of sand and the ground-up tooth. Now Witmer makes “Fairy Tooth Castles” professionally. When
your
child loses a tooth, you can send it to Witmer. She’ll grind it up, mix it with sand and a hardening agent, sculpt a nine-inch-tall castle out of it, and send it back to you.

Hector Boiardi—the real Chef Boyardee—catered President Woodrow Wilson’s wedding.

STAGECOACH RULES

Stagecoach travel has been glamorized by Hollywood: a handsome hero
in an immaculate white shirt and string necktie, and a neatly coiffured
heroine swaying gently as the stage races across the prairie. Romantic?
Yes. Truthful? No. Stagecoaches didn’t race—good drivers averaged
5 mph. And passengers arrived covered with dust and aching from
the bone-rattling journey. These rigorous conditions created
discord, so at every station, Wells Fargo posted this list
.

Stagecoach Riders’ Nine Commandments

1.
Abstinence from liquor is requested. If you must drink, share your bottle; otherwise you will appear to be selfish and unneighborly.

2.
If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking pipes or cigars, as the odor is repugnant to the gentle sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted, but spit with the wind, not against it.

3.
Gentlemen must refrain from using rough language in the presence of ladies and children.

4.
Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.

5.
Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow. He (or she) may not understand and friction may result.

6.
Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.

7.
In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians, and hungry coyotes.

8.
Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.

9.
Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.

Boris Karloff had a pet pig named Violet.

CELEBRITY LAWSUITS

Uncle John noticed that a number of the cases in our
“Strange Lawsuits” file involve celebrities of one
sort or another. Here’s a sampling
.

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Mark Twain
THE DEFENDANT:
Estes and Lauriat Publishing Co.
THE LAWSUIT:
In 1876 the Canadian publishers pirated the text of Twain’s book
Tom Sawyer
and put out a low-priced edition. It cut into legitimate U.S. sales and deprived Twain of royalties. When he wrote
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
in 1884, he was determined to prevent a recurrence. He decided to publish
Huck Finn
himself…but hold off printing it until he had orders for 40,000 copies. That way, the book pirates wouldn’t have a chance to undercut him.

Yet somehow, Estes and Lauriat got hold of a manuscript and started selling a pirated edition two months
before
Twain’s authorized edition was available. Livid, Twain sued them.
THE VERDICT:
Believe it or not, Twain lost the case. He issued this statement: “[The judge has allowed the publisher] to sell property which does not belong to him but me—property which he has not bought and I have not sold. Under this same ruling, I am now advertising the judge’s homestead for sale; and if I make as good a sum out of it as I expect, I shall go on and sell the rest of his property.”

THE PLAINTIFFS:
Ten people named Jeff Stone, including the mayor of Temecula, California; a guy who works for NASA; and Paul Peterson—who isn’t actually a Jeff Stone, but played a character with that name on TV’s
Donna Reed Show
from 1958 to 1966
THE DEFENDANT:
Jeff Gillooly, Tonya Harding’s infamous ex-husband, who served seven months in jail for plotting the 1994 attack on her skating rival, Nancy Kerrigan
THE LAWSUIT:
In 1995 Gillooly filed to change his name to Jeff Stone (so he could have some anonymity). Other Jeff Stones announced that they were outraged. Mayor Stone said his “hard-earned good name
would be sullied”; Peterson insisted Gillooly was mocking his sitcom; NASA’s Stone spread the word that he simply didn’t want to share his name with Gillooly. And then they sued to prevent it.
THE VERDICT:
In a 10-minute hearing, the judge ruled there was no basis for stopping Gillooly from becoming a Jeff Stone.

The bones of an owl weigh less than its feathers.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Saddam Hussein
THE DEFENDANT:
Le Nouvel Observateur
, a French magazine
THE LAWSUIT:
In an article about Hussein, the magazine described him as a “monster,” “executioner,” “complete cretin,” and a “noodle.” Hussein sued for libel.
THE VERDICT:
Case dismissed.

THE PLAINTIFF:
A dentist
THE DEFENDANTS:
Johnny Carson and NBC
THE LAWSUIT:
In the early 1980s, during a broadcast of the
Tonight Show
, Carson mentioned he’d seen a report saying that dentists were closing their offices due to lack of business. “News like this,” he quipped, “hasn’t made me so happy since I heard the Gestapo disbanded.” An angry dentist immediately sued Carson and the station for $1 million for libel.
THE VERDICT:
Case dismissed.