Read Uncle John’s Briefs Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Briefs (42 page)
THE PLAINTIFF:
Dustin Hoffman
THE DEFENDANT:
Los Angeles
magazine
THE LAWSUIT:
In its March 1997 issue, the magazine superimposed a picture of Hoffman’s face—from the film
Tootsie
, in which he dressed as a woman—on a the body of a model “wearing a smashing gown and smart high heels.” The caption: “Dustin Hoffman isn’t a drag in a butter-colored silk gown by Richard Tyler and Ralph Lauren heels.” Hoffman sued for $5 million, saying they had turned him into “an unpaid fashion model.”
THE VERDICT:
Calling Hoffman “one of our greatest living treasures,” the judge ordered the magazine to pay the actor $3 million.
The A-bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were nicknamed “Little Boy” and “Fat Man.”
There are countless superstitions involving cats, most of
them focused on the bad luck that they supposedly bring.
In Japan and other Asian countries, however,
the cat is a symbol of good fortune
.
T
HE BECKONING CAT
If you’ve ever walked into a Chinese or Japanese business and noticed a figure of a cat with an upraised paw, you’ve met Maneki Neko (pronounced MAH-ne-key NAY-ko). “The Beckoning Cat” is displayed to invite good fortune, a tradition that began with a legendary Japanese cat many centuries ago.
According to legend, that cat, called Tama, lived in a poverty-stricken temple in 17th-century Tokyo. The temple priest often scolded Tama for contributing nothing to the upkeep of the temple. Then one day, a powerful feudal lord named Naotaka Ii was caught in a rainstorm near the temple while returning home from a hunting trip. As the lord took refuge under a big tree, he noticed Tama with her paw raised, beckoning to him, inviting him to enter the temple’s front gate. Intrigued, the lord decided to get a closer look at this remarkable cat. Suddenly, the tree was struck by lightning and fell on the exact spot where Naotaka had just been standing. Tama had saved his life! In gratitude, Naotaka made the little temple his family temple and became its benefactor. Tama and the priest never went hungry again. After a long life, Tama was buried with great respect at the renamed Goutokuji temple. Goutokuji still exists, housing dozens of statues of the Beckoning Cat.
LUCKY CHARMS
Figures of Maneki Neko became popular in Japan under shogun rule in the 19th century. At that time, most “houses of amusement” (brothels) and many private homes had a good-luck shelf filled with lucky charms, many in the shape of male sexual organs. When Japan began to associate with Western countries in the 1860s, the charms began to be seen as vulgar. In an effort to modernize Japan and improve its image, Emperor Meiji outlawed the production, sale, and display of phallic talismans in 1872.
People still wanted lucky objects, however, so the less controversial Maneki Neko figures became popular.
“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.” —René Descartes
Eventually the image of the lucky cat spread to China and then to Southeast Asia. How popular did the Beckoning Cat become? In Thailand, the ancient goddess of prosperity, Nang Kwak, was traditionally shown kneeling with a money bag on her lap. Now she’s usually shown making the cat’s raised-hand gesture and occasionally sporting a cat’s tail.
In Europe and North America, images of Maneki Neko can be found in Asian-owned businesses, such as Chinese restaurants. And back in Japan, a new cat icon adorns clothing, toys, and various objects: Hello Kitty—a literal translation of Maneki Neko, or “Beckoning Cat.”
MANEKI NEKO FACTS
• Sometimes Maneki Neko has his left paw up, sometimes the right. The left paw signifies that the business owner is inviting in customers. The right invites in money or good fortune.
• Most Maneki Nekos are calico cats; the male calico is so rare it’s considered lucky in Japan. But Maneki Neko may be white, black, red, gold, or pink to ward off illness, bad luck, or evil spirits and bring financial success, good luck, health, and love.
• Maneki Nekos made in Japan show the palm of the paw, imitating the manner in which Japanese people beckon. American Maneki Nekos show the back of the paw, reflecting the way we gesture “come here.”
• The higher Maneki Neko holds his paw, the more good fortune is being invited.
“I don’t need a reading lamp in my living room. I don’t have a toilet in there.”
—
Norm MacDonald
Uncle John has a list of 10 reasons why the
Bathroom Reader
should have lists in it. (The list is confidential.)
7 “OFFICIAL” ATTRIBUTES OF THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY
1.
His skin must look like dough: “off-white, smooth, but not glossy”
2.
Slightly luminous, but no sheen
3.
No knees, elbows, wrists, fingers, ears, or ankles
4.
Rear views do not include “buns”
5.
Walks with a “swagger”
6.
Stomach is proportional to the rest of his body.
7.
He is not portly.
6 MOST COMMONLY MISSPELLED U.S. CITIES
1.
Pittsburgh, PA
2.
Tucson, AZ
3.
Cincinnati, OH
4.
Albuquerque, NM
5.
Culpeper, VA
6.
Asheville, NC
4 SPORTS YOU CAN ONLY WIN BY GOING BACKWARDS
1.
Rappelling
2.
Rowing
3.
Tug-of-war
4.
High jump
5 MOST WIDELY ASSIGNED BOOKS IN HIGH SCHOOLS
1.
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
2.
The Scarlet Letter
3.
To Kill a Mockingbird
4.
Lord of the Flies
5.
The Great Gatsby
7 ANIMALS THAT MATE FOR LIFE
1.
Beaver
2.
Orangutan
3.
Fox
4.
Stork
5.
Penguin
6.
Vulture
7.
Pigeon
7 HIGHEST TEMPERATURES RECORDED ON EACH CONTINENT
1.
Africa: 136°F
2.
N. America: 134°F
3.
Asia: 129°F
4.
Australia: 128°F
5.
Europe: 122°F
6.
S. America: 120°F
7.
Antarctica: 59°F
6 FLAVORS OF KIT-KAT BARS SOLD IN JAPAN
1.
Green tea
2.
Red bean
3.
Yubari melon
4.
Cherry blossom
5.
Wine
6.
Blood Orange
5 THINGS INVENTED BY MONKS
1.
Mechanical clocks
2.
Pretzels
3.
Roulette
4.
The @ sign
5.
Munster cheese
In Keriche, Kenya, it hails an average of 132 days per year.
Every so often a hunk of rock hurtles out of the sky and slams
into our planet, creating a gigantic hole and wreaking havoc.
Here are some of the more impressive cosmic splats
.
C
HICXULUB, YUCATÁN
About 65 million years ago, a giant meteor six miles wide splashed down in the Caribbean region of Mexico. It probably split in two shortly before impact. The result:
two
craters that are a combined 102 miles in diameter. The meteors fell in a sulfur-rich area of the Yucatán Peninsula, kicking up billions of tons of poisonous dust. The sky all over the world was dark for six months, making global temperatures drop below freezing. That climate change, according to most scientists, caused the extinction of half the Earth’s existing species… including the dinosaurs.
GRAND TETONS, WYOMING
In 1972 a 1,000-ton meteor entered the Earth’s atmosphere high above the Grand Tetons at a very shallow angle and then skipped back out into space like a stone skipping off the surface of a lake (but not before being recorded by Air Force and tourist photographers). If it had gone all the way through the atmosphere, it would have hit Canada and the impact would have rocked the area with a blast the size of the Hiroshima A-bomb.
TUNGUSKA, SIBERIA
On June 30, 1908, Russian settlers north of Lake Baikal saw a giant fireball streak across the sky. Moments later a blinding flash lit up the sky, followed by a shock wave that knocked people off their feet 40 miles away. The blast was estimated to be more than 10 megatons, toppling 60 million trees over an area of 830 square miles. What was startling about the Tunguska blast was that there was no crater, which led to speculation about the blast: A black hole passing through the Earth? The annihilation of a chunk of antimatter falling from space? An exploding alien spaceship? Research ultimately revealed that the devastation was caused by a meteor about 450 feet in diameter that exploded
four to six miles above the ground. If it had landed on a city, no one would have survived.
Rule of tongue: Generally, the smaller the pepper, the hotter it is.
BARRINGER METEOR CRATER, ARIZONA
Located in the middle of the desert, this crater is important be-cause it was the first one on Earth positively identified as the result of a falling meteor. The meteorite that made the crater was about 150 feet in diameter, weighed about 300,000 tons, and was traveling at a speed of 40,000 mph when it landed. The crater is three quarters of a mile wide and was named for D. M. Barringer, the mining engineer who correctly identified it. He also believed that the actual meteorite was still lodged below the Earth’s surface and could be mined for its iron content. (He died before studies revealed that it had vaporized on impact.) Scientists say a meteor of this size can be expected to hit the Earth every 50,000 years. Since this one fell to Earth about 49,000 years ago, we could be due for another one soon.
METEOR FACTS
• So far 150 impact craters have been identified on the Earth’s surface.
• Oldest crater on Earth: Vredefort Crater in South Africa. It’s two billion years old.
• Meteors the size of a basketball hit Earth once a month.
• More than 25,000 meteors bigger than 3.5 ounces hit every year.
• Meteors as large as the one that hit Tunguska impact the Earth every 100 years or so. Bigger explosions, the size of the largest H-bombs, take place about once every 1,000 years.
• Terminology: in space it’s a
meteor
; on the ground, it’s a
meteorite
.
• A large meteorite is always cold to the touch. The outer layers are burned off from its trip through the atmosphere; the inner layers retain the cold of deep space.
• Preview of the big one? In 1994 the comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 slammed into the atmosphere of Jupiter, generating an explosion the equivalent of 300 trillion tons of TNT. The comet was estimated to be three miles in diameter; the hole it made was larger than Earth. If it had hit our planet instead of Jupiter…well, you do the math.
In an airtight room, you’d die of carbon dioxide poisoning before you’d die of oxygen deprivation.