Read Uncle John’s Briefs Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Briefs (38 page)
May those who love us love
us. And those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.
The world’s smallest chameleon, the Madagascan Dwarf, is so tiny that it would fit on your fingertip.
Here’s one of our regular features—the origins
of some common terms and phrases
.
T
HE BALL’S IN YOUR COURT
Meaning:
It’s your turn; it’s up to you
Origin:
“This term comes from tennis, where it signifies that it is the opponent’s turn to serve or play the ball. A British equivalent is ‘the ball’s at your feet,’ which comes from football (soccer), and has been in use much longer. How much longer? Lord Auckland used it figuratively in a letter written in about 1800: ‘We have the ball at our feet.’” (From
Southpaws
&
Sunday Punches
, by Christine Ammer)
TO BEAR DOWN
Meaning:
To put pressure on someone or something
Origin:
“For centuries sailors used the word
bear
in scores of expressions to describe a ship’s position in relation to the wind, the land, or another ship. Most are still used by sailors today.
Bear up
, for instance, means to head the ship into the wind.
Bear off
means to head away from the wind, a phrase sailors came to use figuratively whenever they wanted anything thrust away from their person.
Bear down
in the original nautical sense meant to approach from the weather, or windward, side. It later came to mean to approach another ship rapidly, pressuring them to yield.” (From
Scuttlebutt
, by Teri Degler)
BY THE SKIN OF ONE’S TEETH
Meaning:
By an extremely narrow margin; just barely
Origin:
“A literal translation of a biblical phrase from Latin. The biblical source is the passage where Job is complaining about how illness has ravaged his body: ‘My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.’ The point is that Job is so sick that there’s nothing left to his body. The passage is rendered differently in other translations; the Douay Bible, for example—an English translation of the Vulgate (St. Jerome’s fourth-century translation)—gives: ‘My bone hath cleaved to my skin, and nothing but lips are left about my teeth.’
The phrase first appeared in English in a mid-16th-century translation of the Bible. It did not become common until the 19th century.” (From
Jesse’s Word of the Day
, by Jesse Sheidlower)
In Disney’s
Fantasia
, the Sorcerer’s name is Yensid…Disney spelled backward.
TO EAT ONE OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME
Meaning:
To eat large quantities of someone else’s food
Origin:
“Its first recorded use in English was by William Shakespeare, who used it in his play
Henry IV
, written in 1597–98. In Act II, Hostess Quickly of the Boar’s Head Tavern is complaining about Sir John Falstaff, who has been lodging with her, eating huge quantities of food, and avoiding paying his bill: ‘He hath eaten me out of house and home, he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his…’ The phrase
out of house and home
was in use as early as the 13th century, and during the 15th century people often said ‘he hath eaten me out of house and harbor.’ Shakespeare combined the two phrases.” (From
Inventing English
, by Dale Corey)
NOT UP TO SNUFF
Meaning:
Below standard
Origin:
“Englishmen were so fond of finely powdered tobacco, or snuff, that its use was nearly universal throughout the kingdom. Connoisseurs would pride themselves on knowing their snuff. One derided as
not up to snuff
was considered an amateur at judging powdered tobacco. But soon the phrase expanded to any person or product considered to be less than discerning.” (From
Everyday Phrases
, by Neil Ewart)
TO PAY THE PIPER
Meaning:
To accept the consequences
Origin:
“Street dancing was a common form of amusement during medieval times. Strolling musicians, including flute players, would play for a dance wherever they could gather a crowd.
“Frequently a dance was organized on the spur of the moment. Persons who heard the notes of a piper would drop their work and join in the fun. When they tired of the frolic, they would pass the hat for the musician. It became proverbial that a dancer had better have his fun while he could; sooner or later he would have to pay the piper.” (From
I’ve Got Goose Pimples
, by Marvin Vanoni)
Japan has .25% of the world’s land mass, but 10% of the world’s active volcanoes.
And by that, we mean religious sects—particularly the ones that thrive in
Pennsylvania. Here’s a quiz to help you avoid embarrassing gaffes the next
time you’re visiting the Keystone State. (Answers on
page 285
.)
1
.
You see a group of girls in old-fashioned clothes. They’re probably…
A.
Mennonites
B.
Quakers
C.
Amish
D.
Moravians
2
.
One weekend, you notice men moving benches into a home that has dark green window shades. You should…
A.
Call the police to report a bizarre case of burglary, in which thieves are putting furniture
into
the house.
B.
Check the entertainment guide in the local paper to see if a concert is scheduled.
C.
Realize it’s basketball season, buy some pretzels and beer, knock on the door, and ask if you can watch the game.
D.
Ignore the whole thing, unless you’re Amish.
3
.
You’re invited to a “Love Feast” at the local Moravian church. You should…
A.
Bring all your souvenir buttons from Woodstock.
B.
Practice your musical scales.
C.
Bake a pie.
D.
Make sure the iPod is charged up because there’s likely to be a long, boring sermon.
4
.
You’re at an all-day religious service with non-stop sermons. The preachers don’t pause, even when the listeners get up to eat. At the end of it all, people pair off and wash each other’s feet. Who are these people?
A.
Quakers
B.
Amish
C.
Schwenkfelders
D.
Moravians
5
.
A Mennonite, a Quaker, an Amish, and a Moravian walk into a bar. Which one orders tea?
Q: What are a meatball, a Captain Hook, and a gopher ball? A: Types of baseball pitches.
Everyone’s got a question they’d like answered—basic stuff,
like “Why is the sky blue?” Here are a few questions,
with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts
.
W
EIGHTY QUESTION
Q:
Why doesn’t pound cake weigh a pound?
A:
“Traditionally, it was made with a pound of flour, a pound of sugar, and a pound of butter. That would make three—enough to shatter the pound barrier and cause a crash landing directly on your hips. Incidentally, the same name game is played with cupcakes. The original recipe called for one cup of each ingredient. And you thought it was because they’re baked in those cute little paper cups.” (From
Crazy Plates
, by Janet Podleski)
SICK OF IT ALL
Q:
Why do people get sick more often in the winter?
A:
“It is not cold feet and wet heads that are the problem, disease experts say, but the fact that human beings are warmth-loving social animals. At least in cold climates, widespread outbreaks of diseases like colds and influenza tend to start in winter months, when people spend more time together indoors in close quarters with the windows shut. The cold months also bring children, those well-known vectors of bacteria and viruses, together in the classroom, where they can pick up infections and take them home to the rest of the family.” (From
The New York Times Second Book of Science Questions and Answers
, by C. Claiborne Ray)
GET A LEG UP
Q:
Why do male dogs lift their leg up to urinate?
A:
“It isn’t to avoid ‘missing’ and squirting their legs by mistake. It’s to mark territory. Most dogs are compulsive in their habits and have favorite ‘watering holes.’ By lifting a leg, the urine flows up and out much farther, extending the boundaries of the male’s territory. From a dog’s point of
view, evidently, the bigger the territory, the better.” (From
Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses?
, by David Feldman)
The spire on top of the Empire State Building was intended to be a docking mast for zeppelins.
THERE’S THE RUB
Q:
How does an eraser erase pencil marks?
A:
“Look at a pencil mark under a microscope. You’ll see that it’s not continuous; it’s made up of individual black particles, a few ten-thousandths of an inch big, clinging to the paper fibers. The eraser’s job is to pluck them out. It can do that because (a) it is flexible enough to reach in between the fibers and (b) it is sticky enough to grab onto the black particles. But while the eraser is rubbing the paper, the paper’s fibers are also rubbing off pieces of the rubber. The rubbed-off shreds of rubber roll up their collected black particles into those pesky crumbs that you have to brush away.” (From
What Einstein Told His Barber
, by Robert L. Wolke)
TASTES LIKE…SPLEEN?
Q:
What’s
really
in a hot dog?
A:
“All manufacturers must list their ingredients on the label. ‘Beef,’ ‘pork,’ ‘chicken,’ ‘turkey,’ etc. can only be used if the meat comes from the muscle tissue of the animal. If you see the words ‘meat by-products’ or ‘variety meats,’ the hot dog may contain snouts, stomachs, hearts, tongues, lips, spleens, etc. Frankfurters once contained only beef and pork but now can legally contain sheep, goat, and up to 15% chicken. Hot dogs are made by grinding the meat with water, seasoning, sweeteners, preservatives, salt, and binders.” (From
Why Does Popcorn Pop?
, by Don Voorhees)
CAN I DRIVE 55?
Q:
When a speed limit sign is posted, does that speed take effect when the driver sees it or when the driver passes it?
A:
“Speed limit signs, whether decreasing or increasing the speed limit, take effect at the time that you pass the sign and not a car length sooner. Yellow speed limit signs are there to warn drivers of potentially dangerous situations, such as sharp curves, requiring a reduction in speed. They are considered ‘advisory,’ but should you crash while maneuvering through one of these areas, you may be cited for reckless driving.” (From
First Coast News
, by Linda Mock)
A pigeon can fly up to 600 miles—the distance from Detroit to Providence, RI—in a single day.
This letter is a classic piece of American humor. It’s been around
in various forms for nearly a century, appearing in dozens of books
and movies, and even in a
Saturday Night Live
sketch in 2004. This
version is a memo to an insurance company, but there are many others.
The tale has now been passed around so often that it’s achieved urban
legend status—in other words, some people believe it’s true. It’s
not. In fact, it was written in 1902 by Will Rogers. (Not
really; we just thought we’d add to the legend.)
D
ear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly more than 500 pounds. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
I secured the rope at ground level, climbed to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I climbed back down and untied the rope, holding tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will notice in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.