Unspoken Abandonment (27 page)

A word that came up often in
my sessions was the word “free,
”
because it is all I really wanted
. I felt like I was being imprisoned by fears and emotions that were crippling at times.
I said it many times already, but I was faking every smile, forcing every laugh, and hiding behind every joke. They were all a mask to
cover
the real emotion
s to which I had become a slave
.
They were
f
eelings and memories
that
were
ke
eping
me locked away from who I
really
was.

I told her about the strange smell from my footlocker that only I could smell. Anyone
else
to
whom I
showed the footlocker could not smell a thing, but any time I saw its contents
,
the odor was so powerful it was like I was still there. I could still smell the Afghanistan air just by looking at the contents of an old box. I told her about the nightmares, the panic attacks
,
and the horrible memories.
I explained how a
t random moments
,
while
lying
in bed, I could still feel mice crawling on me. I knew they were
n
o
t there, but in that
foggy
moment between being awake and being asleep, I could feel them.
The sensation
would snap me
fully awake
, only to repeat itself
time and time
again. I described
,
in detail
,
the horrible images of death, poverty, beatings, suffering,
and fear to which I had bared witness. I shared everything, even my feelings of guilt and blame.

The process
of
reconciling with myself was not quick, it was not easy
,
and I cannot pinpoint any one magic moment tha
t made me say:
“Aha! This is it.
”
L
ooking back I can see the progress was steady and consistent
,
even if it did
n
o
t always feel that way at the time. The counselor who I had once doubted and swore could never understand me, proved to understand me just fine, and
she
more than dispelled any doubt I had. She guided me through the process of healing and forgiving myself. She helped me work on issues on the inside and then helped me to establish a plan to begin fixing things on the outside. Moving forward was
n
o
t accomplished
only
in the comfort of
an ideally scented office
alone;
it was a
constant
challenge which I faced
every day
.

I started off by improving my life
alone
,
focusing on “me.”
I
got back to
reading for pleasure again. I always loved learning and reading, and a trip to
the
local boo
k store kick-
started
this hobby
once
again.
In no time, I found myself spending hours on the couch re
ading new and interesting books, learning about life again.

I then examined my lifestyle
,
and
I
realized, there
i
s no other way to put it, I was living like shit. I had become lazy,
and
I
was eating horribly.
I essentially
survived
off of s
oda, frozen dinners, and
drive-
through restaurants.
All of this needed to change. I bought a series of books about nutrition and health, and I navigated my way to a diet plan that worked best for me. I
a
m not going to begin to advocate one health style over another; I just found one that worked for me. I cut out almost all of the meat and dairy in my diet, all of the soda I was drinking was replaced with water, and I began increasing my fruits, vegetables, and alternative sources of protein. I was amazed at how quickly and profoundly
this
change in diet changed other aspects of my life.

I went to a local sporting goods store and bought a pair of runnin
g sneakers.
I very reluctantly began running.
The first few runs were really more of a hellish jog, but I pushed through. Over time, my pace grew faster and faster, and
my
distances grew further and further. I stopped filling myself with garbage
,
and my eating habits
did
n
o
t even resemble what they once were
. Within weeks I saw the old me coming back, more and more every day.

On one particular day, I just started jogging. I made a left
turn from the end
of my driveway and ran. I had no goal in mind, no set destination, and no plan. I felt my heart rate climb, and the sweat began to build on my brow. The air rushed past as I ran faster and
pushed
further. It was
n
o
t until about thirty minutes in that I realized I was
n
o
t tired. I felt like I could go on forever. I looked at the sky
,
and
I
listened to the pounding of my feet on the pavement while I thought, “I can
not believe I a
m actually here.” I wanted that feeling to never end.
It was during that jog when I decided to go back to another enjoyment
in life I had long given up on:
training in Jiu Jitsu.
Being alive
never felt so
amazing
!

Where my time was once spent eating
nothing but processed
food and watching television
in seclusion
, I was now
eating right,
reading, working out,
doing Jiu Jitsu,
and
always
writing.
I had come to accept the power of writing, and t
hroughout
this process
,
I
never stopped
. I knew
by
then how truly beneficial writing could be
,
and I
have never given up on it.

There were a lot more steps involved in bringing myself to a better place in life, but that really is
n
o
t the point I want to convey.
What I want to get across is that I found a way to identify the true root of all my
problems
.
Even in the face of my own stubbornness, my own reluctance, and my own doubt, I still found a way.
Once
I did that
, I was able to devise a plan to tackle those problems
,
one by one, until they were all
at a manageable level
.
What was truly amazing was the fact that I only really needed to work on myself, from the inside. I had a plan to start repairing my friendships, my relationships, and my family, but I never needed to move forward with that. Once I had
me
fixed, everything else just seemed to fall in place on its own.

As I mentioned
earlier
,
I
have
always loved
reading
. I would just go to a book store
,
and
I would
randomly buy a book about
a subject
in which
I knew
absolutely nothing
.
I would start reading until I felt satisfied with the topic
and then move on to the next
. I started doing this once again
,
and while shopping online, I found a book about reality and consciousness from a Buddhist point of view. The topic immediately intrigued me, and I started reading everything I could get my hands on.

As I delved deeper into this new topic, I began to truly appreciate the impermanence of life
, as well as suffering
. Nothing lasts forever, and everything changes. For the good, the bad, and everything in between, everything changes and moves on. I
was finally moving
on also
, and I felt better than I had in years.
I accomplished
my goal of
reaching
that small,
yet
elusive word
;
I was finally free
.

The issues in my marriage continued, and they never seemed to get better. At times there would be moments of brief improvement, but they were usually short-lived at best.
There were other issues going on, but this story is not about my marriage
,
and I refuse to let it become that. One of the things I
ha
ve learned throughout this
entire
process is that when you beat yourself up over something
internally
, you eventually come to accept negativity
from outside sources as also being acceptable
. After all, if you treat yourself like shit
,
it must be perfectly fine for others to do the same. That in turn spawns a vicious cycle that continues perpetually unless it is finally broken.

I
was
look
ing
at myself in the mirror one morning, and I saw the
old
me
,
the
new
me
,
once again.
I stood in front of the mirror for an inordinate amount of time.
As I looked at my reflection, I saw a young face looking back.
I felt incredibly gifted at that moment
,
because
I realized that one day I would not se
e th
e same
young face in the mirror;
instead
,
I
would be
looking at
an old man. Sure
,
that
would
n
o
t be for a lo
ng time, but this life
really does
fl
y
by
at a
very
frightening
pace, and
in reality,
that old man may be looki
ng back at me before I know it.

It made me wonder
:
what
would
think
of my life,
at that moment, the
very
first time I
see
myself as an old man. Woul
d I be satisfied, would I have regret, or w
ould I be scared
of what was yet to come
?

I
knew I still
had the power
at that moment
to dictate the course of those answers, and I began to make a series of promises to myself. I promised to never
again
take a single day for granted. I promised t
o always strive to be a kinder,
gentle
r
, and more understanding
person.
I promised to enjoy life
to its fullest
, and make the
mo
st of every opportunity and blessing I am given.
I promised to stop worrying about the incidental, truly unimportant details we all
burden
ourselves with on a daily basis. Most importantly, I
then
promised to never again give my love and affection to anyone who did not purely and honestly deserve it.

Shortly after I made that promise
while looking in the mirror
,
my wife and I had yet another confrontation over our issues. Once again, I was told I was not attractive
to her
and not loved the way
a husband
should be
loved
.
The conversation
w
as
basically
the same as all of the others
,
with the exception of
the
major
difference
that
this
was the last time I would ever hear her say those words, and this is the last time I wil
l ever refer to her as my wife.
I knew I deserved better than what I was being told, and I walked away to find it.