Unspoken Abandonment (28 page)

The moment I left, I looked back and wondered how I could have let that go on for so long. I saw life with
a
clarity
that I had lacked before
,
and
it was
now
painfully obvious
w
hat
I had missed all along. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, and that is fine. It only becomes a problem when the people in th
ose
relationship
s
are
n
o
t willing to face reality and realize it
i
s
simply not right to continue.

It
i
s drilled into us from the day we
a
re born, “If at first you don’t succeed, try
,
try again.”
While this may be good advice in some
scenarios
, it usually just places us in a situation where we make the same mistakes
over and over
, digging ourselves deeper into a hole
,
while we wonder why things keep
going wrong
.
Sometimes
,
we need to take a moment to slow down
, recognize that whate
ver it is we a
re doing just is
n
o
t working, and move on
to a different course of action
.

The actual act of leaving my marriage was much more difficult
and drawn out than what I
a
m sharing here
.
I do
n
o
t go into more detail because I want this story to be about what defines me, and a failed relationship is absolutely not that. While many may consider the final ending of a marriage to be a negative impact on someone’s life, in my case it moved me forward in a very positive direction.

After a
long,
painful,
and
embattled
p
iece-by-
piece
reconstruction
, my life was
finally
coming
back together.
I can
no
t say I was the same person I was before any of this started, but I was the same person who had since grown
, learned,
and developed in life.
Some things had
n
o
t gone away
,
and
some
still have
n
o
t to this very day. I still startle very easily, I am still very sad about the life my friend Massoud had endured,
and from time to time
I can still feel the mice
walking across me as I
a
m falling asleep
. When I stop and think about her, I can still hear that woman crying over the death of her young child, and I can still feel my stomach drop as I imagine her falling to the ground. I suppose none of those things will ever completely go away, and maybe I do
n
o
t want them to. They have become part of who I am.
These experiences, good or bad, are what makes me the person I have become in life.

The only
powerful feeling
I felt hanging over me was a need for
some sort of
redemption. I felt as though I had to do something to truly absolve myself from any remaining guilt that lingered.
I continually told myself that those things were not my fault,
but
it was nearly impossible to completely erase all of that guilt.

I often reminded myself of Charles’ words, “If you try to do only for yourself, you’ll only get so far in life. If you
reach out to touch other people,
you can fix your own soul and move further than you can ever imagine,” but I never knew
exactly
how to find the kind of
redemption I was searching for.
Occasionally
in life,
the univer
se will give you a special gift:
one
that is exact
ly what you
ha
ve been praying for, and the first of those
precious
gifts was to come.

As my life improved in other areas
, my life at work excelled also.
I never let any of my perso
nal issues invade my work life
,
a
lthough
I
a
m sure they may have
had some influence on my career.
I was very successful at maintaining a barrier between my career and my life
beyond work, and
i
t was probably the only figurative wall I built which was actually beneficial.
By this time,
I was now doing very well at my job, and I was transferred from patrol to a detective position.

In my role as a detective, I initially ser
ved in one particular capacity, but
I was eventually given the opportunity to expand on that
.
I was invited to be
part of a state
wide, multi
-
agency task force targeting child
pornography
.
The goal of this task force was to identify criminals who were involved in the possession and distribu
tion of this horrific material, and b
eing a part of this team was incredible for me.

Every time an investigation led to the arrest of a pedophile, I
would
look at them being walked off in handcuffs
,
and
I
think
to myself
, “
There is at least one
child
in this world
who
will never be hurt
because of what happened here today
.”

The act of watching a child being led off to be
raped
is an awful thing. Unless you actually live that moment for yourself, it
i
s nearly impossible to understand what it does to you
r soul
.
The mental a
nd emotional effect is enormous; it was for me, anyway.
I had come to terms with the fact that
the things which I had witnessed in Afghanistan
w
ere not my fault.
A
lthough I
did have
the physical means to stop
them
, I did not have the legal means to do so.
This was a moral and ethical struggle which took more soul searching than I could ever describe here, but
I had
eventually
come to accept this.
Even with acceptance,
it is
very difficult
to let go of a feeling like that
. Every time I was
a
part of the arrest of another pedophile, I was able to let go of a little more. Eventually
,
I felt as though I had found
at least some
redemption, and I
was
honestly
never expecting
to find that
. I knew I som
ehow still needed to find more
, but
what I had found
to this point
was far
better than nothing
,
and
it was
worth every effort.
  I was truly free.

When this story first
began, I was
watch
ing
a beautiful woman
’s
profile
being
cast
by
the sun
, as it
wa
s
slowly dip
ping
towards the horizon. Her hair
was
flow
ing
behind her as she playfully chase
d
a
young
child
. She look
ed
towards me and offer
ed
a smile that still melts my soul. She stop
ped
playing and stare
d
at me for a moment. Running her fingers through her hair and smiling, she offer
ed
a look that any other man would envy.
It
wa
s a
look of
pure love
.

“Mommy
, keep playing!’ the child cried
out. The young five-year-old girl look
ed
to me and ask
ed
, “Daddy, are you going to play now?”

Without a response, I g
o
t up and r
a
n towards her. I pick
ed
her up as she leap
ed
up at me saying, “Daddy, it’s coming loose again. Will you fix it for me?”

I carr
ied
her to a nearby picnic table and set her down. I notice
d
that t
he strap to her prosthetic leg wa
s loosening and need
ed
adjustment. I tighten
ed
the strap and ask
ed
, “Is that better, sweetheart?”

“Thank you, Daddy,” she replied
as she r
a
n
off and continued
to play.

The child, a beautiful young girl, play
ed
happily although she has just one leg and the other is a prosthetic
.
She seem
ed
almost unfazed by
her
disability. This is
the moment
when
I
suddenly
beg
i
n to wake
,
and in the half confused state between sleep and
consciousness
, I realized I was
simply
having th
is
dream yet again. I had the same dream maybe four or five times before
,
and each time it rep
eated
itself, it bec
ame
more detailed and vibrant.

Once again, I am certain the u
niverse ha
d
blessed me with
another
special gift:
the
understanding
of how I c
ould
truly accept my past
, find absolution,
and
become entirely whole
.
The advice
I was given,
“
if you reach out to touch other people, you can fix your own soul
,
”
made more sense to me than ever.
In fact, after years of struggling with what that actually meant, I finally
figured
it
out
.

I have believed
,
ever since
I started
having this dream
,
that one day I will save a child, just one, from Afghanistan.
Th
at
nation is strained with a staggering number of orphans and badly injured children,
many of whom are
children who will most likely never see adulthood. I have seen their pain, and I have witnessed their horror. I believed at that moment, as I still do to this day, that my mission in life is to save just one child from that existence.
Q
uite wonderfully, I do
n
o
t share that dream alone.

On a random day, in a random parking lot, I ran into a friend
,
and
I
started talking with her. She introduced me to
her friend,
Abby. Abby was absolutely adorable, beautiful, and a complete smartass.
I had a short conversation with my friend, and I drove off wishing I had asked Abby for her
phone
number.
I was far too afraid
to just outright ask her, but t
h
e feeling must have been mutual
.
Abby
obtained
my phone n
u
mber through our mutual friend, and she
sent me a random text message that same night
.
B
efore long, we had our first date.