Unspoken Abandonment (30 page)

I now
have been given
the opportunity to work a quiet
desk job
,
and it is actually
one
that does not require me to
regularly
carry a gun. A lot of people may consider what I do
to be
somewhat boring, but
boring is
exactly
what I
enjoy
now.
I think I
ha
ve seen
more than
my share in life, and
I a
m
ready to let the next guy
take
his turn
.
Ther
e i
s an old saying that one who lives by the swo
rd will likely die by the sword, and
I ha
ve lived by the
proverbial sword
more than enough for one lifetime.

On a random Tuesday not very long ago, Abby and I were getting ready for work. Abby was sleeping late, as usual, and she did
n
o
t want to get out of bed.

“If you’re not out of bed in one minute, I’m coming in there to tickle you,” I told her.

“Okay, Okay, I’m up,” Abby replied as she got out of bed.

“Too late,” I said as I ran up to her. I continued, “You’re getting tickled anyway.”

Abby and I tickled and laughed for a few minutes
,
and
we
then
began getting ready for work. It was a beautiful day, and nothing was unusual in the least. We played and goofed around as we got ready for work, just
as
we do every other day.

“Babe, don’t forget it’s trash day,” Abby reminded me.

“Ok, I’ll do it right now.”

I
removed
the trash
bag
from the
waste
can in the kitchen, and I tied the top of the bag into a knot as I walked to the garage. Once in the garage, I placed the bag into the trash barrel and began dragging
it
to the curb.

I was
roughly
half
way to the curb when my left leg had a bizarre sensation, and I could
n
o
t move it. The sensation lasted for only a moment and immediately subsided. Within a step, my right leg felt a similar sensation, and I suddenly had to struggle to move either leg. I fell to the ground
spilling the trash
, and
I needed to
grab the bumper of my car to get
back
to my feet. I was having the hardest time standing, and I was very confused. I was young, healthy, and had no medical pro
blems
;
I couldn’t understand w
hat was happening to me
.

Getting back into the house was a struggle. My mind raced
trying to figure out
what was happening, but I knew that I needed to get in
to the house
,
to Abby
,
so she could
call for help.
O
therwise, it could be ten minutes or more before she noticed I had not come back inside. I
managed to make my way
from the garage into the laundry room, and
I
stumbled through the kitchen, where I fell to the living room floor. By this point, I could not feel my legs, and I could slowly feel I was losing all feeling throughout my body. I tried to speak, but I could
n
o
t utter a word. I had the most bizarre sensation in my head, and I thought I was about to die.
The single
question
, “
Is this
really how I
a
m going to die?” ran through my head.

Abby called 9-1-1, and I was taken to the emergency room
,
where I started to feel better over
the course of
several hours. The
staff in the hospital was
mystified as to what had happened
,
and
they
offered no
positive
explanation
s
. After a few days, I felt much better but there were a lot of lingering effects that took months to
completely vanish
.
Some of these were subtle and unnoticeable
to others
,
while
others were not
so discrete. For months
,
I would stumble on my words
, I
was constantly dropping things
, and
I
had
the
coordination
of a three legged rocking horse
.
Eventually
,
these lingering problems went away
completely
, and
over time
I would ultimately find out what had happened to me.

It
i
s funny how you
can
look back at
previous
problems
in life
and realize they were never really as bad as you had made them out to be
,
especially
when compared to a real problem
.
You
look at something
that w
as
once
the worst thing to have ever happened in your life,
and then
something
else
comes along
and
becomes the new reigning champion.

The result of w
hat happened to me
that day
does not affect me today, it probably w
ill no
t aff
ect me tomorrow, and it should no
t affect me any time soon, but one day it
could
alter my life in every way imaginable.
I
face the reality that at some point in my life
I may be in a wheel chair
because of this
, and the things I take for granted today may one day just be a fond memory. I pray that day never comes, but the statistical reality is that it will. Throughout it all, Abby has
promised to be
there every step of the way
,
and
she
has vowed, “I will always be right here
with you
, no matter what.”
I a
m going to tell you ri
ght now, if that is no
t love then
I don’t know what the hell
love
is.
I
sn’t that something?
I found
my angel.

Life is a funny thing.
Just when you clean up one pile of shit, another
dog
comes along
to leave
you
a
fresh, steaming
new one
.
I know now
,
that
a
t the end of the day, it i
s all what
you
make of it.
I said it at the very beginning:
you
will certainly
face challenges in your life, but
i
t is how you face and overcome these challenges that will ultimately define you as a person. Believe me, there was a time when I di
d
n
o
t understand what that meant, but
I do now
.
H
oly shit, I do now.

No matter what life brings to me, I know I will always find a way to get
by
. I, like everyone else, have no way of knowing
what tomorrow is going to bring, but I do know I will always have the strength to get through it. I will never quit
,
I will never surrender
, and I will always prevail.

Any time I
find myself feeling as though I a
m
in
over my head, my mind
is
always
able to retreat to
one comforting thought. I picture myself
all alone,
behind a machine gun
,
in the middle of Afghanistan.
I picture myself
along
the wall of the
Camp Eagle
compound, late
at night, writing in my journal
by moonlight
, and
i
t always brings back on
e
vivid memory
which I hope to never lose.

I remember being
on the wall
over
looking
the city street
, writing away, and stopping to
gaze
up at the starr
y sky. Being in a place where I a
m surrounded by poverty and violence, all I need
ed to do wa
s look up
to
see an
endless beauty in the night
’s
sky.
I remember the darkness of Kabul made the stars shine brighter than I had ever seen
, or have seen since
.
All I need to do is think about it for a moment, and I can feel the cool
mountain
air against my skin
, bringing with it
the feeling that even
within
the worst, there is always something worth finding.
Amongst
the
violence, I
had
found peace.

I can
still
picture myself as that kid,
writing
in the middle of the night in Afghanistan, having no idea what life was going to bring.
Then I look at myself now
,
and
I
realize how much
my
lif
e has changed since those days.
I a
m
still
completely
unaware of what life
has in store for me next
,
but
this time,
no matter
where
life’s
next journey may lead
,
I will
always have the strength
and courage
to
never again feel the
crippling
pain of
my own
unspoken abandonment.

T
he End