Unsteady (The Torqued Trilogy Book 1) (52 page)

That moment set the tone for my life. Growing up, it was never about caring for me or what was best for me. No. It was all about the monthly check and what
I
could do for them. The only time I felt some sort of affection or caring was with Tyler’s Aunt Maggie. But when she passed and Wes moved us away, the pattern resumed of giving me the bare minimum. Keeping me fed and clothed so he received his check every month.

I can’t help but think at some point, Red’s going to decide I’m too much work. That my negatives out way my positives. There is only so much being a good mechanic is going to get you. I mean, the guy was shot dealing with my ex-husband.

Then, I remember how I stood in the doorway of his hospital room expecting hate and only saw relief. I’m so grateful this is Red and he’s completely different from anyone else I’ve ever known. He’s warm and caring, even with the harshness of his bitter words at times. In a matter of weeks, he changed everything I thought I knew about love and life, and certainly not to take it for granted.

By Friday, a week after he was shot, it was time to make some decisions at the shop. Mia had closed it for the week given the police investigation, but we still needed a plan for when we opened on Monday. Without Red as the lead mechanic, there would be no way we would be able to manage the turnaround needed.

One thing was for sure, even though I didn’t want to, I was going to have to take Nova to daycare with the promise we would go to Portland tonight to see Red. I didn’t want her at the shop just yet. We’d been inseparable in the week following the accident. And I do mean inseparable. She’d been sleeping in Red’s bed with me ever since.

She didn’t want to go and cried more than I thought my heart could take. I had no idea how Red did this every day.

“Look, Nova. I really have to go into the shop today and sort some things out and then we open on Monday. We’ve been closed since Daddy got hurt and we really need to get back to work. It’s going to be really busy and I don’t want you to get bored. If you don’t go to Elle’s, then I’m going to have to take you with me and I don’t want to do that.”

Nova stares at me in the backseat of Red’s car. I’d been driving his around since the accident because my Bronco wasn’t exactly kid friendly with the missing seatbelt in the back. “Please, Lenny! Don’t make me go. I don’t want to be away from you,” she cries, brushing tears away. “I don’t care if I’m bored. Please just take me to the shop. I’ll be super good.”

How can I deny her? I can’t and that’s the problem.

When I walk into the shop, Nova in hand, I knew being back was going to be different. It was the first time I’d stepped foot in here since that night and I was sure the memories of what happened were going to come flooding back.

I didn’t have time to think about it because not only were we closed for the week, the guys had broken out a case of beer while cleaning up the shop. There, sitting on stools were Tyler, Colt, Rawley, Jude and Daniel. Drinking. At ten in the morning.

“This is why I shouldn’t have brought you here,” I whisper to Nova as we enter.

She smiles and watches them closely. “I like it when they drink. They’re funny.”

“It’s too quiet without him here yelling at us,” Daniel says almost conversationally, looking around as I approach them while shaking my head. “I keep waiting for him to yell at us for sitting around.”

Colt spots Nova and she immediately crawls on his lap with her arms around his shoulders. He offers her his beer but she shakes her head like this is a regular occurrence.

Just then, Tyler sways on the stool, nearly falling off and then catches himself with a laugh. It’s clear the drinking started way before we got here. Shit, did they not sleep last night? “He saves that for Rawley.”

Rawley snorts, a trace of laughter in his response. “Don’t worry. I was at the hospital last night. He yelled at me for ten minutes about something I don’t even know.”

Watching them, I wish I could join them, but I don’t. Instead, I lean against Red’s toolbox. The last thing I want is to numb my pain. I don’t deserve that, but they’re slightly entertaining and taking my mind off the scene before me and the fact that I’m standing in the exact spot he was shot. The concrete is discolored from where it was cleaned.

“We’re probably going to fuck this place up,” Colt says, raising his beer in the air.

“We’ll be fine,” Tyler defends, but then looks around at the shop full of cars and the mess left by the police during their investigation. “Okay… maybe we have some work to do.”

The side door opens drawing our attention. It’s Raven.

“What the hell are you guys doing? Get up.” Raven kicks Rawley in the shin after staring at Tyler for a minute.

“We’re stressed out,” he tells her. “So we’re taking a break and drinking.”

“Why do you care?” Tyler asks, trying to hand her a beer. She denies it and swats his hand away. “It’s not like we’re open for business.” And then he eyes her body suggestively.

Her eyes shift around the shop attempting to ignore him. “Well, dumbass, I came to answer the phones and let customers know there’s going to be a delay. Someone’s gotta work around here. Doesn’t seem like you guys are.”

Her stare locks on mine and I shrug, shaking my head at them. “I’m sorry. I was going to take the beer away but they’re kinda entertaining.”

“Aw, come on, Raven, don’t be mad at us
.
” Tyler grabs at Raven’s ass when she walks by him and she slaps his hand away.

“Knock it off, Tyler.”

For someone who’s trying to maintain no contact, he’s suddenly grabby with her. “Well, can you at least get us some donuts or something? We’re hungry.”

“Nope.” Raven smiles and reaches for my hand to pull me toward the office. “Nova, come with us.”

Nova gives Colt a shrug. “I have to go.”

“Raven!” Colt calls out when we’re at the office door.

“What?” She glances over her shoulder trying to hide her amusement. She thinks they’re funny too.

“Can you get me another beer?”

“Screw you, Colt. Get it yourself!”

The door slams behind us and she looks at me with wide eyes. “Did Tyler seriously just try to grab my ass in front of everyone?”

I nod with a smile.

As the morning passes, Raven and I are answering messages and contacting customers when a white car pulls up and Berkley walks in. She struts right past Rawley and straight to hug Tyler.

Rawley shakes his head and makes his way to the office. “Are you okay with that?” I ask Rawley, even though I’m more curious what Raven thinks of this.

Nova looks up from her coloring to see who we’re talking about and then stands up on the counter so she can see. “Is that Berkley?”

Rawley shrugs, clearly not caring one bit. He grabs Nova off the counter and begins tickling her side. “I don’t own her.”

Raven’s reaction is a tad different as she watches Tyler pull back from Berkley and smile, his hand on her hip. He’s drunk, I have to remind myself of that.

“She’s a bitch,” Raven grumbles, sorting through papers and organizing her desk. “I can’t believe she’d come in here like this.”

“She said she wanted to make sure Tyler was okay,” Rawley adds.

Nova rolls her eyes struggling to get away from her uncle tickling her. “I say we punch her in the tit.”

Raven, Rawley, and I stare at Nova. “Nova, you can’t say that.”

“Okay.” She puts her hand on her hip. “Let’s slap her in the tit.”

I frown. “That’s not what I meant.”

Rawley smiles. “Sweetheart, you’re making me proud.” And then he high-fives her and turns to Raven. “Why do you care if Berkley’s here talking to Tyler anyways?”

Raven begins to fidget and adjusts her stapler about a million times. “Why are you even here? Since Dad died, you’ve done nothing but show up late and piss off Red. It’s not like you care.”

He leans forward and knocks her stapler off her desk with a swipe of his hand. “I’m not heartless, Raven. Just because I don’t want to make this my life, doesn’t mean I don’t care. Red’s my brother too and I want to be here to help him out. Since Dad died, everything fucked up, and now Red’s been shot and in the ICU. You’re not the only one affected by it.” And then he squints at her and leans into the wall, his arms crossed casually over his chest. “Wait a minute… you never answered my question. Why are you so pissed off about Berkley being here?”

Raven leans down and picks up her stapler. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Rawley’s smile is so wide it looks unnatural as Raven’s cheeks heat with embarrassment. “You’re fucking him, aren’t you?”

“What’s fucking?” Nova asks, popping a handful of candy in her mouth from Raven’s desk.

Shit! I should have taken her out of here or at least ear-muffed her.

“You can’t repeat anything you heard in here,” Raven begs of Nova when Rawley leaves.

After brushing her curls from her face, Nova holds out her hand expecting to be paid.

Raven groans as she places a dollar in her hand only to have Nova shake her head. “Five bucks to keep quiet.”

“It always used to be a dollar.”

“This seems important. Make it five.”

“You’re such a little hustler.” Raven sets her purse down and throws herself back in her chair. “What a mess.”

Once the drama of Berkley visiting Tyler at the shop dies down, we go back to work. With what seems to be the norm in a small town, everyone’s heard about what had happened to Red and were very understanding about their repairs taking a bit longer to get done. It was so overwhelming to hear all of the concern that folks had for Red and his wellbeing. All I could think is once everyone gets the full story, they will start to blame me for endangering one of their beloved residents.

Around four o’clock we decide to call it a day. Nova’s running out of things to keep her busy and I’m worried she’s going to decide taking Colt up on his offer for a beer is good idea.

Looking over at where Raven is doing some last minute filing. “So I was thinking of heading over to Portland to visit Red tonight, wanna come with us?”

She reaches for her bag. “Why not? That way he can see I’m lying about sleeping with his best friend and I can feel even worse.”

I can’t tell if she’s joking or not. “Are you being serious right now?”

Raven shrugs. “No, not really. Let’s go.”

I’ve never been one to take time off. It’s just not my thing, I’ve been going like hell since the moment I started walking.

Now it seems time is all I have and it’s passing by unbearably slowly.

I need to heal.

They tell me I have months of healing ahead of me.

They tell me I’ll also be out of work for months. It’s certainly not something I am prepared for. I have to make money and who’s going to run the shop?

There are days where I feel like I’m locked into some kind of continuous loop with no way out and no hope for moving forward. I am simply here, dependent on others.

The pain fades with each day, but it’s never gone completely. It hurts to breathe, speak or to even be touched. It hurts to think.

Physical pain is fading as the days go by and in its place, a stiffness takes over.

There’s more to it. Though I don’t want to admit it. I’m sad and confused, frustrated at the very thought of most things.

Here I am, holed up in a hospital bed while Lenny is taking care of my kid, yet I can’t get my mind right because the very thing I swore I could protect Nova from, happened right before her eyes. And the fact I hadn’t protected Lenny is there too, gnawing at me, a painful reminder of Nevaeh.

If I didn’t have the reminder then, I certainly do when Tony comes to visit me. I’ve been in the hospital for an entire week and believe me, I’m ready to fucking leave.

“You’ll never forget that shit, kid,” he says slowly, understanding my feelings when it comes to my wife. “There are memories that will forever be with you and unfortunately, this, even Nevaeh dying, that’s one of them.”

The mention of her name makes me sick to my stomach. The emotion, the fear, the devastation creeps up and the lump in my throat rises again. My reaction for so long with Nevaeh dying has been withdrawn, ignore it. I don’t talk about it in fear the emotions will drown me. Escaping it all together isn’t happening. I lost my wife, an amazing woman, but it didn’t define the rest of my life. It’s then Tony offers me some insight. I had forgotten he too had lost his wife.