Unsteady (The Torqued Trilogy Book 1) (55 page)

Mia claims she’s tired from a long day, while Raven and Tyler say they’re heading over to Murphy’s to watch Rawley’s band play.

And just like that, I’m alone with Red.

Poor Nova had been so excited for him to come home, she fell asleep right after dinner on floor underneath the coffee table.

“I would carry her to bed, but I might just fall over,” he teases, attempting to stand up, and then gives up. “I’m just gonna sit here for a few more minutes.” It’s then he notices a drawing on the table.

“Nova drew this for you today.” I push the drawing toward him. It’s one of the three of us walking in a park and her mom in the clouds.

Red eyes glaze over with what looks like tears threatening as he tears his eyes from the drawing. His lips part and he heaves in a long-winded breath, then blows it out slowly.

Seeing him emotional, I can feel the tears threatening, but I swallow, attempting to push them down. “I don’t know that I can ever truly make you understand how sorry I am about all of this. I never meant to hurt you, or Nova. I swear I never meant to bring you into this.”

My statement seems to bring him out of his thoughts as he looks to me like he’s confused. “I can’t tell you the thoughts I had when I walked into the shop and saw him holding a gun to your head, and my daughter at your feet. I thought….” He breaths out, slowly, shaking his head. “I thought that was the end, again. The idea of losing you, too, wasn’t something I was going to accept. I couldn’t. With Nevaeh, I had no control. Finally I was in a position to do something. I was so amped on adrenaline I don’t even know what was happening around me in those minutes. All I knew what I had to get that gun away from him.”

The night flashes in my head, the images that haunt my dreams surfacing of Ben grabbing Nova by the hair and her screaming.

“I know.” I swallow, tears stinging my eyes. As much as I want to move on from that night, this conversation is one we need to have.

“Hey, listen,” he reaches out and touches my hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” But then he asks, “Remember when I said I’d be anything you needed me to be?”

“Yes.”

“I need to revise what I said.”

“Okay.” My heart beats erratically. I’m not sure where he’s going with this.

“I’ll be anything
we
need. I can’t save you. Hell, I don’t even know if I can save myself. But I might be able to make this work between us. I think that maybe we can save each other.”

The truth of what he’s saying and the love I see in his stare give me the strength I need. “I think we can.”

A huge smile lights his face and I can’t help but smile back because that smile is for me. “Can I start by kissing you?”

“I’d like that.”

As I move closer so my face is only inches from his, Red leans in carefully, his lips pressing to the pulsing hollow at the base of my throat, leaving my mouth burning with fire I desperately wanted him to put out.

I need his lips on me. Everywhere.

He’s slow, taking his time as he sears a path up my neck and over my jaw claiming my lips. His tongue traces the soft fullness of my lips covering mine hungrily. We kissed in the hospital, a few times. But it was nothing like this.

I return his kiss with reckless abandonment, probably a little too eager. Just the touch of his lips on mine sends a shock wave through my entire body.

Careful of his injuries, I pull him tighter against my chest. He winces, jerking away from me an inch and then I’m afraid I’ve hurt him so I draw back suddenly and stand in front of him. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

As I stand there, he stares at me for what seems like the longest minute ever. Thinking I’ve hurt him more than he’s leading on, I reach over to his bag from the hospital on the chair to retrieve his pain pills. “Here, maybe you should take one of these.”

He swallows, snapping himself from his trance. His voice is quiet, shattering the silence between us. “I’m okay.” Reaching for the two pills, he then takes the glass of water I hand him. “You don’t need to baby me.”

“I’m happy to help.” I shrug, trying to appear calm and collected as I sit down in the chair next to him. “Nova was a lot of fun these last couple of weeks. That kid is something else. I mean, she’s just so strong.”

Red nods and looks at the floor. His eyes seem darker, vulnerable, but alive when he sees me, in his house, caring for his daughter. Or maybe the kiss got to him too. I’d like to think so. The few kisses we shared in the hospital were nothing short of amazing, but still, being here in his house is different. “Thank you for all your help this week.”

“It was the least I could do,” I joke, attempting to make fun of myself.

He nods again, and we both stare at the million drawings Nova made for him. The one in front of him matches the ones on the walls, but instead of drawing just her dad and herself in them, I’m in each one, her angel mommy looking over the three of us. It’s enough to bring tears to my eyes.

“We got a little carried away with the coloring the other night,” I say, unsure how he’s going to take it.

Red nods again, blinking a few times as if he was trying to figure out what was happening. “Again, I really can’t thank you enough for watching over her. She’s so happy with you here.”

I’m happy here too, and I know he can see that. It’s in my smile. But even with that happiness, I still need to be honest with him and tell him more than what I told him in the hospital.

“Red.” I lower my lashes and stare at my hands. “I have some things I need to say to you… things I didn’t feel comfortable saying in the hospital, and it’s important that you listen to me. Because I can’t keep them in any longer.”

A sudden flash of uneasiness comes over him. “Okay….”

Taking a deep breath, I decide not to wait any longer, and start spilling everything I wanted to say over the last few weeks. “When I was younger, I used to tell myself, don’t get attached to anyone. It’s not worth it. That’s why I’d never fallen in love. I didn’t let myself in fear it would turn out badly. And it did. My mom gave me up for adoption, Maggie died, Wes was a bastard, and Ben, you know how that ended. I could blame a lot of my insecurities and fucked-up shit in life on that alone, but I won’t because I strongly believe you are what you make of a situation.

“When I came to Lebanon, it was a fresh start for me, or at least I thought it was. I just never saw myself falling in love for the first time, and falling in love with your daughter too. I thought I understood how love worked. To love someone the way you need to, there’s a certain amount of dependence there. You’re trusting them with a part of yourself that you don’t give to just anyone. For me, I never gave it. You’re trusting them with your heart. It took me a while to realize that because I’ve never trusted my heart.”

His expression relaxes as he lets out a long breath. “You should.”

“Let me finish,” I say, slapping at him but careful not to actually hit him.

Red licks his lips, leaning away from me, a smirk playing at his lips. “Fine. Finish.”

“Well,” I smile, too, “I actually was done. I know that you don’t just meet your match and say I love you and everything works out perfectly. It doesn’t happen that way for people like me. I know that.”

“It happens like that sometimes,” he points out.

“True. And I also believe it’s harder to love someone and then to walk away. Love is messy. It’s messy and scary and… well, I want that with you.” When I finish my speech, a huge weight lifts from my shoulders. Even if he rejects me now, at least he knows how I feel. How I’ve felt all along.

As I raise my eyes to his, he’s smiling. But there’s a certain sadness to his eyes. I remember it from the first time I met him. It’s still there. A sadness he’s not sure he can let go of. A hole he may never mend and that’s okay. He shouldn’t be forced to mend.

“How long did you rehearse that for?” he asks, his voice cracking, and then he looks up at me like he needs me to breathe, but I also know he doesn’t. Maybe it’s relief? He’s a strong man. Although, I’ve come to realize even the strongest can be brought to their knees.

“I rehearsed it for weeks. You terrify me. You fucking terrify me because I don’t know how to make this work and I’m afraid of loving you, and her,” I cry, gasping. “I’ve never felt something like that before.”

Red’s arms wrap around me immediately, tighter than before, and I let my head fall to his shoulder as he draws me into his side as we sit down on a kitchen chair with me on his lap.

“I know it terrifies you,” he agrees, turning his head into my hair, then sighs. He speaks softly, trying to make me see. He then pulls me flush against him, so close his heart beats against mine.

I know it terrifies him, too. It has to considering how he let this woman into his life and then she puts him and his daughter in danger. And not only that, but it’s a reminder of exactly how his wife was taken from him.

Red opens his mouth several times to speak and then finally asks, “Do you trust me, Lenny?”

“Should I trust you?” I ask teasing, and he arches an eyebrow in surprise, making me look in his eyes, hating the heartache at the expression on his face. “I’m teasing. I do trust you. Completely.”

“Then tell me you mean it. Tell me you want this as much as I do.” There’s an easiness about Red in times like this I love. Just when you think he’s always going to be a hardass, he shows you a softer side.

“I mean it. I want this with you.” And then my eyes dart to the drawing. “And her.”

He looks at me and shakes his head. “We may end up deciding we made a huge fuckin’ mistake. But…what if it’s not? What if it’s the best years of our lives? We have to try, right?”

He is absolutely right. “We should try.”

It could end in tears. It could. And heartache. But then again, it might not. It might be the chance of a lifetime. A chance at finding happiness together after a lifetime of nevers.

I want to tell him I love him, let the words fall out, so natural, so true that they have depths I can barely understand. I can understand three very simple ones. The ones he is looking for me to say to him.

Cautiously, my eyes find his as I lean in, my hands resting on his thighs. “I mean it,” I say, pressing my lips to his.

With a jerked motion, his fingers dive into my hair, winding in the strands around his hands as he inhales deeply. It’s everything I’d been waiting for since I left him in the hospital. Our lips part and he slides one hand around my waist pushing me to the edge of my chair. He wants me on his lap so I willingly come forward to sit on his lap again. This time I straddle him.

Red seems all for the kissing. In fact, he practically attacks me once we’re in this position. His tongue excitedly exploring my mouth giving into the passion but there’s a certain amount of himself he’s forced to hold back. The parts of him that are still injured.

Needing to breathe, we part, gasping, and stare at each other. “Jesus,” he murmurs, running his nose along my jaw, attempting to catch his breath. “I don’t see how I’m going to wait.” His eyes scan over me, lingering on my breasts before dipping lower. A slight smirk touches his lips, his eyes blazing with desire. “I missed you.”

When he raises his mouth to mine, again, my eyes flutter closed. I fight back a shiver, wanting to melt into him right then. As he fists my hair in his hands, his groans become lost against my lips.

Our kiss is slow but promising, and then it turns into something else entirely. Impatient. And I know where this is going by the hardness he attempts to rock my hips against and should probably stop it given he was freaking shot in the chest.

He moves his mouth over mine, firm and demanding, groaning low in his throat. Fuck, he tastes so good and my hormones run rampant. I don’t want to stop.

Our kisses slow, and our breathing evens out. His hands travel over my curves, taking their time before he finds my face again. Sweeping my hair from my cheeks, the other one fists my shorts, and he grips the fabric between his fists and groans.

My hands are on his chest, his rapid breathing evident by the rise and fall when he suggests, “Let’s go to my room.”

I giggle. “Nope. Not happening, buddy. Your doctor said to take it easy. And I believe he specifically said sex shouldn’t even be tried.”

He shakes his head, his hooded eyes barely open as his gaze never leaves my chest. “Fuck the doctor.”

“That doctor saved your life, dude.”

“And now I need some tender loving care.” His hungry lips search my neck attempting to lure me in. “It’s been weeks.”

“You went two years without sex. No strenuous activity until your checkup in a month.”

His hands palm my breasts hastily. “Because
I
went two years without it… I
shouldn’t
have to go two weeks. Besides, you can just be gentle with me.”

“You’re going to overdo it.” I moan in response to his touch when his hand comes between my legs dancing over the nerve endings clad by denim. Drawing myself closer, letting him know it’s definitely more than okay. It’s perfect. I never want him to stop.

He
needs
this, and I
want
this.

His fingers tangle in my hair, tipping my head back to expose my skin for him. His stubble scratches against me, leaving shivers in its path and I bury my face in his neck, breathing in his rich scent. God, I missed him.