Unworthy Heart: The Donnellys, Book 1 (30 page)

“I know, baby. I know.” He stroked the back of her head. After a moment, he pulled away and kissed her cheek. “That’s from Jacob. He told me a bit ago on the phone to make sure I gave you a kiss from him. I almost forgot.” Cupping her face in his hands, Ryan tilted her head up and kissed her slow and tender on her lips. “That one’s from me.”

She sighed and rubbed her nose over his. The comfort of his kisses and words, and the strength of his arms grounded her. Made her believe she was being cared for. And though unfamiliar, the feelings settled within her heart and mind like they belonged there.

As she drifted off to sleep in the extended recliner, nestled in Ryan’s arms, she let herself imagine a perfect fantasy, one where Ryan had become a home for her and this soft haven, within his embrace, was her safe place.

The next morning things weren’t looking much better for her mother. Her lungs were getting worse and her liver function had decreased too. There were times throughout the day where she’d become conscious and engaged in brief conversation with Maiya and Ryan, but she wasn’t all there—more groggy and disoriented than anything else.

As the time for Ryan to leave grew nearer, panic rose at a steady pace in Maiya’s chest. Although she’d fought it at first, having him there had made the whole situation easier to take somehow. She would’ve been fine without him, but falling asleep in his arms the past two nights had been a balm to her soul.

And she didn’t want him to go.

Chapter Forty-One

Ryan found an outdoor patio attached to the cafeteria for them to eat lunch. He sipped his soda. “Has she always called you Emmie?”

“It’s what Jeremy called me when I was a baby. Easier to say than Maiya, I guess.” She shrugged. “After that, it stuck.”

“I like it, it’s cute.”

“Don’t even think about it.” She rolled her eyes. “My mother insists on calling me that. And really, I wish she didn’t. It’s a constant reminder of Jeremy.”

“It’s not wrong for you to remember him, Maiya.” Taking her hand, he nudged her shoulder with his. “I didn’t know him, obviously, but I can’t imagine he’d want you blaming yourself for an accident.”

“I loved my brother.” She traced the edge of her cup with her fingertip. The expression on her face was dark and a small crease formed between her brows from her frown. “When I was young, I used to go to sleep at night and wish it’d been me. Sometimes, I still feel that way.”

“Maiya, look at me.”

She didn’t look up. Her shame more obvious to him than if she had a thick, black blanket wrapped around her. One she could suffocate in. In his opinion, right now, she
was
suffocating. He could only assume her mother’s abrupt decline in health must feel like another thousand pounds added to the already heavy weight she carried daily. He reached around her waist. She startled, and he tugged her onto his lap.

“Ryan! Good God, there are other people out here.” She glanced around, a frantic look in her eyes.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass who’s around.” He gripped her chin and turned her face toward his. “Listen to me. Everything happens for a reason, babe.” She tried to avert her eyes and he was having none of it. “Maiya, look at me.” He kept his tone stern. He needed to get her attention.

She complied and raised her gaze to his.

“Everything happens for a reason and that means
you
were meant to be here. Would it be better to have not lost Jeremy? Yes. Absolutely. But he’s gone, baby. Look at all you’ve done with your life.” He shook her when she avoided his gaze again, but then she snapped her eyes right back to his. “I’m serious, dammit! If Jeremy had lived who knows if you would have fought so hard to make a life for yourself. Who’s to say you would’ve been the success you are. You’re here for a reason, baby.”

“Why are you pushing me on this?”

“Because it matters to me. You fucking matter to me, Maiya. Don’t you get that?”

“We’re friends, so yeah, I get it. You care. Just let it go, please?”

He recoiled in shock. “Is that what you think this is? That I merely just
care
and it’s tied to some sort of
friendship
?”

She frowned again and looked away. “I don’t know, Ryan. What I do know is—” she glanced back at him, “—I don’t want to spend the last few minutes I have with you arguing.”

“You have got to be one of the most frustrating woman I’ve ever met.”

She snorted. “Well, I guess it keeps things interesting, right?”

Ryan took a deep breath and reached for some calm. “Don’t lock me out, Maiya.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, and yes, I agree, let’s not go there right now. I don’t want to argue with you, either.”

She put her arms around his neck. “Then how ’bout you shut up and kiss me.” She smiled. “Then let me off your lap because we’re scaring the children and old people.”

Ryan guffawed. Christ, it was just like her to make him laugh when he wanted to strangle her. One more time, she boiled his blood and then, in a matter of seconds, she calmed him. Complete craziness. So, he did what she asked and kissed her—caressing her mouth with his until her heart pounded against his chest and she gripped his hair in her fingers. Breaking the contact, he whispered against her lips, “If we don’t stop, I’ll really be scaring the children and old people. I’m harder than a steel rod right now.”

“I know. I am sitting on your lap. I can feel it against my ass, and damn if it doesn’t make me want to wiggle a little.” She giggled and nipped his bottom lip.

Letting out a groan, Ryan cupped her ass in his palm. “Don’t push it. I will find a broom closet somewhere in this damn facility and fuck you senseless.”

She pulled back and looked at him, one eyebrow raised. “That’s not exactly a threat, Ryan.”

“I know.” He patted her thigh. “Believe me I know.”

She slid off his lap slow as molasses, dragging her hips over his strangled dick in his jeans. He cleared his throat and she giggled again. Ryan checked his watch. “Time to go, baby.”

“I figured. Time does fly when you’re having fun.”

“This is true.” Standing, he held out his hand and she took it.

Joanie glanced at them when they entered her room. An oxygen mask covered her mouth and nose, steam billowing from the vents.

Maiya walked over to Joanie’s side. “Ah, a breathing treatment. It should help open her lungs a bit. I hope.”

Ryan nodded and set to gathering his things. When he finished he stepped over to Joanie and took her hand in his. Turning her face toward him, she managed a weak smile.

“I won’t forget.” He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. “You focus on getting better and I’ll see you soon.”

“Thank you.” She exhaled a rattled breath behind the mask.

When he turned, Maiya was waiting for him at the door. “Stay here with her, babe. She’s awake and that’s a good thing.” Pulling her close, he kissed her forehead. “I’ll call you when I land, okay?”

“Sure.” She glanced at her mother, and then back to him and smiled. But it lacked its normal brightness. “Thanks again.”

Leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “Talk soon.” He turned and left the room.

Ryan needed to get home to his son, but at the same time, he wanted to be there with Maiya. Nothing like having your heart torn right down the middle. He couldn’t be in two places at once, and Jacob had school. This was the only option, and taking it one day at a time would be the only way to get through it.

As he boarded his flight, his chest ached with a physical pain, and he rubbed it, praying he’d be able to be there for her again soon.

Maiya pulled the small chair over to her mother’s bed and waited while Joanie finished the breathing medicine. The nurse came in and replaced the treatment mask with the oxygen tubing, and then added a syringe of additional medicine into her IV tube.

When the nurse left the room, Joanie reached through the metal side bar and grabbed Maiya’s hand.

She stood and leaned over her mother. “How’re you doing, Mommy?”

“Not so good, Emmie. It hurts when I cough, and I can’t get a deep breath.” Joanie closed her eyes.

“Just rest. We’re going to get through this.” Maiya smoothed her palm over the crown of her mother’s head. “How about I braid your hair for you?”

Joanie nodded and then coughed. “That’d be nice.”

Maiya cringed at the crackle in her mother’s cough, almost louder than the cough itself. Getting up, she grabbed a brush and moved to the head of her mother’s bed. “Turn your head to the side, okay?”

Joanie did and then Maiya ran the brush through the long lengths of hair with a gentle stroke. Her mother relaxed further each time Maiya pulled through the length from crown to ends. After Maiya finished brushing the tangles out, she retrieved an elastic hair tie from her bag and returned.

“Cute picture on the wall.”

“You noticed.” Maiya turned her mother’s head to the side again and began folding the length into a braid. “Ryan’s son, Jacob, colored that for you.”

“He has a son, huh? How old?”

“He’s five. Sweet little boy. I’ll get Ryan to send me a pic so you can see him.”

Joanie coughed. “Where’s the mom?”

“She passed a while ago.”

“Huh.”

Her mother didn’t say anything else, and by the time Maiya finished the braid, she’d drifted to sleep. She’d most likely be out for the night; at least Maiya hoped she would.

Fatigue hit hard, blanketing Maiya’s body like a second skin. She settled on the makeshift bed and pulled the pillow she and Ryan had shared to her chest. Pressing it to her face, she breathed in deep, taking in his scent. She dozed off with the rough cotton against her cheek.

A while later, a text came in from Ryan letting her know he’d landed and was on his way home. He asked if she wanted him to call once Jacob was settled and she let him know she was half asleep. He asked her to call him in the morning and let him know how things were going. In his last message, he said he already missed her and was sorry he had to leave.

She stared at the message for a long while before exhaustion won out and sleep pulled her under.

When she opened her eyes again, her mother was yelling at a nurse.
Awesome.
Rubbing her eyes, she sat up and watched the exchange in silence. Her mother must be feeling more like herself if she was hollering at the people trying to help her.

The flustered nurse left. Maiya stood, ran her fingers through her tangled hair and headed toward the bathroom. “They’re just doing their job, Mom.”

“How the hell am I supposed to get any sleep when they won’t leave me alone?” She coughed. “Do you see the crap they brought me to eat?” Joanie pushed at the contents on the plate with her fork. “Damn eggs are a runny mess. And what’s this?” She picked up the small container with a straw sticking out. “Apple juice?”

Maiya smiled, listening to her mother’s complaints. For the first time ever they were a welcome sound. After a quick shower, she dressed in the last fresh set of clothes in her bag. She’d have to run home today and get more. Grab her laptop too. May as well get some work done while her mom got better.

“Well, don’t you look spiffy. How come your man went home?”

She arranged her items in her bag. “He’s not my man, Mom. And there’s nothing wrong with looking nice on a daily basis.”

“Who’s the one in denial now, hmm?”

“I’m going to run home and get a few new changes of clothes and my computer. Do you want me to bring you anything special?” Maiya held up a hand, cutting off any wrong requests. “And no, don’t say gin or cigarettes. That’s not happening.”

“Farthest thing from my mind. So there!” Joanie stuck out her tongue. “You ignored what I said though.” Her mother lowered the angle of the bed a bit. “You love the guy and you’re gonna fuck it up if you don’t start acting like it and treat him better.”

Maiya looked at her mother, and let out an exasperated sigh.

“I know what you’re thinking. Who’m I to tell you, right? All my attempts at love failed. But Ryan’s different. Don’t be stupid, Emmie.”

“God forbid I choose not to fall all over him and profess my love, just so he can reject me and break my heart. If that makes me stupid then so be it.” Shouldering her overnight bag, Maiya started for the door.

“He loves you, Emmie. And you’re too stubborn to see it!” Joanie’s voice echoed in the room and then she broke into a coughing frenzy.

The cough got Maiya’s attention. She dropped the bag. “Easy now, Mommy.” Running into the bathroom, she grabbed a towel, dampened it and went to her mother’s side. “I can hear you, no need to yell.” She wiped her mother’s brow and face with the cool rag and then raised the bed higher.

Joanie closed her eyes and nodded. Although the coughing slowed, it still persisted. With each breath, the wheeze and rattle of her mother’s fluid-filled lungs made themselves known. She sounded horrible.

“Try to rest, okay? I won’t be long.” She kissed her mother’s brow and left the room.

Chapter Forty-Two

Maiya made the drive to her house consumed by the words her mother had thrown at her. Ryan most certainly did
not
love her, and even if she loved him—not saying she did of course—Maiya wasn’t going to tell him.

She couldn’t ever tell him. It was ridiculous to think it’d do her any good. And so what if he wanted to date her? Fine. They could date and have fun, and fuck, and whatever else, but as far as her feelings went, they were staying locked inside her mind and heart. Where they were safe.

Stopping by her mother’s trailer first, she grabbed Joanie’s favorite afghan and house robe. Both stunk like cigarette smoke, so when Maiya got to her house, she threw them in to be washed and dried. She took another shower, changed her clothes and packed a bag for the week. Grabbing some snacks her mother liked, she loaded everything, including her laptop, into the car.

Maiya walked through the house again, looking around, convinced she was maybe forgetting something.
Quit stalling.
The knowledge of what awaited her at the hospital had a knot forming in her stomach, and she clutched her arms around herself. Giving herself a kick in the ass, she left and headed back to the hospital.

When Maiya entered the hospital room, her mother was asleep, an oxygen mask in place of the tubing. They must have given her another treatment. She settled in the chair and opened her laptop.

“Good afternoon, Miss. Rossini. Do you have a moment?” Dr. Guzman said.

The hair on the back of her neck stood on end and a chill spread down her spine. “Of course.” Standing, Maiya followed the doctor into the hall.

“I’m sorry to report your mother’s liver is barely functioning.” He glanced at the chart in his hands. “The pneumonia has worsened too. We’re using a full oxygen mask rather than the nasal cannula.” He closed the chart and looked back at her. “In addition to the medication to control the toxins building in her blood, we’ve sedated her to help keep her comfortable. I’m sorry but there’s nothing more we can do for her.”

“What about putting her on a ventilator?”

“That’s an option, however because her liver is so bad it may only prolong the inevitable.”

Maiya crossed her arms. “So, you’re saying just let her die?”

“Miss Rossini, her body isn’t recovering as we’d hoped and the pneumonia has only complicated things further.”

“That wasn’t an answer.” She glared.

“Her vital signs are decreasing. She may not make it through the night even with breathing support. I’m sorry.”

Avoiding the doctor’s eyes, Maiya leaned against the wall. His words burst the hope her mind had been holding on to. Maybe it was denial. Regardless, she’d shoved the fear of losing her mother far from her mind. And now, she wasn’t ready to face it.

“I’ll check back in a few hours. Would you like the hospital chaplain to visit?”

His question halted her attempts to ignore what was happening.
My mother is dying and she needs her last rites given.
Tears filled her eyes and she nodded.

“I’ll have the nurses put in a call. Again, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” Wiping the wetness from her cheeks, she walked back into the room. She gathered the afghan she’d brought and draped it over her mother’s still form, and then sat in the plastic chair next to the bed.

Taking her mother’s limp hand in her own she studied the too-thin skin and short nails. Riddled with dark patches, her skin looked bruised. Once upon a time, she’d had beautiful hands. Long, straight fingers and nails. As a child, Maiya had perched by her mother’s side while she painted them to perfection.

“Tomorrow I’ll bring some pretty pink polish and paint your nails for you. You’d like that, right?” she asked without expecting a response. “If things get really dull, I’ll do your toes too, though those puppies might need a professional.” Maiya chuckled and smoothed her hand up her mother’s arm, noticing how frail she felt beneath her touch.

“I brought some of your favorite cookies. And those crackers you love so much. When you wake up you can have some.” Standing, she kissed her mother’s forehead and then paced the room.

Fear burned the back of her throat and sweat gathered on her palms. Maiya would be alone. After everything she and her mother had been through, this couldn’t be how it all ended. Nothing had gotten better, the way Maiya always hoped it would, between them.

A while later, a tall, white-haired man entered the room, wearing the standard Catholic priest uniform: Black pants, black shirt, little white collar and a Bible in hand. “Miss Rossini?” He motioned toward her mother. “May I?”

Maiya nodded and he approached the bed, love and compassion evident in his gray eyes. “She’s dying.” Cringing, she bit her tongue to stop herself from saying more.

“I understand. I’ll send her home to our Father with a cleansed soul.”

Maiya walked to the farthest corner in the room. Her mother was sedated, so she couldn’t make confession and he couldn’t give her Communion, but she wouldn’t listen. She didn’t want to hear the words he’d say.

She tried to think back to the last time they’d gone to church. Was it when Jeremy died? Her mother was Catholic and had baptized them both, and made sure they made their First Communion, but aside from that, they didn’t go to church. Religion wasn’t something they practiced in their home. How ironic the woman who’d cursed God several times during drunken fits was now being absolved of her sins and given the sacrament to pass on to eternal life within God’s kingdom.

My mother is dying. My mother is dying.
Reality hit Maiya in the face like a freight train.
Oh, God.
Wrapping her arms around her stomach, she moved to the foot of the bed. These were the final things a person clung to after everything was said and done; the little quiet moments. Moments to be cherished, once the pain faded.

“May the Lord Jesus Christ protect you and lead you to eternal life.” The priest made the sign of the cross over her mother and Maiya blessed herself. When he finished, he faced her. “Would you like Communion?”

She rubbed her arms. “No thank you, Father.”

“Very well. God bless you.” He gave her a warm, calming smile and left the room.

In the end, everyone was granted a second chance, even people like her mother.

Maiya stayed at the foot of the bed for what felt like an eternity. Memories, good and bad, of her childhood ran around her mind. She tried to focus on the good ones. The happy times when she and Jeremy were little and her mother was home more.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Here with you.” Maiya touched her mother’s foot through the blankets. “How’re you feeling, Mommy?”

“I couldn’t find you, and Jeremy said you’d run off again.” Her voice was muffled beneath the plastic oxygen mask.

“I—what did you say?” Maiya moved to the side of the bed.

Her mother sucked in a rattled breath and moaned. “I’m sorry, Emmie.”

Maiya stroked her cheek. “What for?”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Joanie coughed. “I blamed you, and it wasn’t your fault.”

“Mommy, don’t.” Maiya wiped the tears trickling from the corners of her mother’s eyes and her own began to fall.

“Jeremy told me I needed to let you know.” Her mother sucked in another strangled breath. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I should’ve been there to take care of you.”

With her own tears dripping down her face, Maiya stroked her mother’s forehead and listened to an apology for the blame Joanie had laid on her for Jeremy’s death. Maiya never expected, or felt, she deserved one. “You’re going to make it harder to breathe if you don’t stop crying.”

Her mother nodded. Another rattled wheeze and then another cough. The sound made Maiya’s stomach fold over on itself and bile rose in her throat. Her mother sounded like she was drowning in her own phlegm. After wiping under her eyes, she pushed the nurse call button. They needed to suction her mother and give her another breathing treatment.

Her mother grabbed her by the arm, a panicked look on her face. “Listen to me, Emmie. Don’t push Ryan away. You understand? Don’t give up something good because of all the bad in your past.”

“Shh, it’s okay. All right, Mommy.” Maiya stroked her cheek, trying to calm her down.

“Promise me.” Rattled breaths sawed in and out of her mouth behind the mask. “Promise me, Maiya Anne Rossini.”

“I… Mommy, please. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” Holy shit, Maiya needed to calm her down.

Her mother dug her fingers in and squeezed Maiya’s arm with a strength she shouldn’t have been able to possess, and then raised her head off the pillow, pinning Maiya with a glare so fierce it raised goose bumps on her skin. “Promise me!”

Why is she doing this? Damn her for doing this!
“Fine, Mommy. I promise.”

“Good. I love you, Emmie. Jeremy says he loves you too.” Joanie released a long, rattling sigh.

“I love y—”

One of the machines in the room started a high-pitched beeping. Maiya looked over at it and then back to her mother. Her head had fallen back on the pillow and her eyes were closed. Her face looked peaceful, almost younger than she had in years. “Mom?” Maiya shook her mother’s shoulder. “Mommy, can you hear me?”

All hell broke loose. Two nurses came running in, followed by Dr. Guzman and one other doctor Maiya didn’t recognize.

“What’s happening?” Maiya’s voice barely split the noise level in the room. Someone pulled her away from the bed and walked her to the far wall. Everything went from bad to worse and only bits and pieces of what they were saying registered in her ears.

“She’s in cardiac arrest,” Dr. Guzman said.

“Bag her now!”

Dr. Guzman lowered the bed. “Begin chest compressions.”

“Get ready to intubate,” the other doctor said.

Maiya stood with her back glued to the wall, watching the horrific scene play out in front of her. This looked nothing like it did on TV.

“Get the crash cart in here and clear the room.”

One of the nurses approached her. Her lips were moving, but Maiya wasn’t registering anything coming out of her mouth. Maiya looked over the woman’s shoulder at her mom.

Taking Maiya’s arm, the nurse tried to lead her to the door. “Miss Rossini, please step out of the room.”

She’d heard her that time, but couldn’t take her eyes off her mother. And her legs wouldn’t cooperate. Then everything went from high-speed chaos to slow motion. The bed was reclined all the way; her mother’s head tilted back at a severe angle while they shoved a tube down her throat. Her chest was bare and a man was pushing on it, and it caved in and out with each thrust of his hands.

Maiya cringed, closing her eyes.

None of their efforts mattered though. She knew it. It was just a matter of time before the doctors and nurses knew it too. Pulling her arm free from the nurse’s grip, Maiya grabbed her purse and left the room.

Her mother was already gone.