Unworthy Heart: The Donnellys, Book 1 (31 page)

Chapter Forty-Three

Maiya sat downstairs on the same bench she’d occupied many times in the last four days. Her mother was dead. She didn’t need the doctors or nurses to confirm it—she knew it at a bone deep level.

And she felt…nothing.

Lighting a cigarette, she played the last several minutes over in her mind. Her mother had mentioned Jeremy, not once, but twice. She couldn’t have seen or spoken to her dead brother, but who was Maiya to question such a thing.

What she said though, had been hard to hear and even harder to accept.
“I blamed you and it wasn’t your fault
.
Jeremy told me I needed to let you know. I’m sorry, baby girl. I should’ve been there to take care of you.”
Blowing out a breath, Maiya tried to wrap her mind around each word. For the first time since she could ever remember, her mother, Joanie Lynn Rossini, had admitted her wrongs and apologized.

Maiya checked her cell and found two missed calls and several text messages from Ryan. Shutting it off, she put it in her purse and went back upstairs. She couldn’t talk to him right now.

Dr. Guzman stopped her in the hall. “I’m sorry, Miss Rossini. We did all we could.”

“Thank you.”

“Assuming you would prefer some time alone with her, we haven’t moved her yet.”

“Oh…um. I hadn’t—” Maiya shook her head, trying to gather her thoughts.

“Take all the time you need. When you’re ready let the nurse know.”

“I hadn’t expected…”

The doctor squeezed her shoulder. “I understand. If you’d rather we—”

“No. No, it’s fine. Thank you. I won’t be long.”

“Take care of yourself, Miss Rossini.” He held out his hand and she shook it.

Maiya entered the room with measured steps and approached the bed. The machines were off and the IV lines, and the tube they’d used to intubate her were gone. There was no sound, save for the pounding of Maiya’s heart in her ears.

Her mother lay there, eyes closed and at peace. With a trembling hand, she stroked the loose strands of hair—still in the braid she’d put it in the night before—back from her mother’s face. Her skin looked waxy, a mottled yellow and grayish blue color. The woman had led such a hard life and abused her body with reckless abandon. Too far in the abyss to ever come back out.

Maiya traced the line of her mother’s nose down to her dry chapped lips with a shaky fingertip, and then traced her jawline. Deep sorrow and regret settled in her heart forcing a lump into her throat.

She perched on the edge of the bed, took her mother’s lifeless hand in her own and stroked the top of it. “I love you too.” She sniffled. “You left before I had a chance to finish telling you, Mommy.” Maiya bent and kissed her hand. “And I’m sorry too.” Tears welled and dripped down her cheeks. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better daughter. I’m sorry for so many things, Mommy.” Maiya raised her mother’s cool hand and pressed it against her damp cheek. “I wanted things to be different, and I tried, but it was so hard. Always so hard between us, but I loved you. Even though I didn’t always act it, I did, Mommy. I’m sorry I didn’t act it.”

Maiya lay her head on her mother’s lifeless chest and placed her limp hand on the back of her head, wishing she could hear her heartbeat and feel her fingers through her hair. And she cried. She cried for herself, for Jeremy
and
for her mother. She cried for all of them, and the life they’d all lost.

She didn’t know how long she stayed there, but when her river of tears finally stopped flowing, she sat up, and kissed her mother’s forehead one last time.

Gathering her things, Maiya left the room.

Chapter Forty-Four

Ryan couldn’t get a hold of Maiya, and it was driving him out of his mind. All day, a bad feeling had been settled like a brick in his stomach and he couldn’t shake it. He’d texted several times, and called twice. Knowing he had to get up early in the morning, he finally gave up and went to sleep sometime after one in the morning.

Somehow he managed to get up on time and get his son off to school—checking his phone six million times during the process. Finally, on the drive to the office, his phone rang. He pulled the car over. “Hi.”

“She’s gone.”

“Shit. I’m sorry, baby. When?”

“Last night. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just needed…” She blew out a breath. “I needed some time.”

“It’s okay. How are you doing?”

“I don’t know really. I said my goodbyes, but now I feel numb.”

“That’s understandable. God, I’m so sorry. I’ll be there tonight, provided I can make arrangements for Jacob.”

“No. It’s fine. You don’t have to come.”

“I want to.”

“Ryan, you don’t need to come. I’m fine.”

“Are we back to this again? Jesus, Maiya.” He tapped his thumb on the gearshift, frustration burning in his gut, and not quite able to believe she was shutting him out, yet again. Especially now.

“Look, I need some space. Is that too much to ask?”

Her clipped words got his attention and also pissed him off. “I really wanted to be there, but if space is what you want, then that I can give you.” Ryan tried to keep his tone neutral but failed. He rubbed his forehead, knowing he sounded like an asshole. It was too hard to deal with the push and pull with her. At the hospital she’d dropped her walls and let him in, and because she had, he thought they’d moved past this. He was wrong.

“I knew you’d be like this. This is why I didn’t call you last night. I don’t fucking need rescuing, Ryan.”

Great. Not only was she shutting him out, she’d rebuilt her damn brick wall too. He envisioned the impassive mask she’d used so often sliding into place. “Christ, Maiya. I’m not trying to rescue you; I’m trying to support you.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and his head began to throb. “Can I come to the funeral at least, or will you be shutting me out of that as well?”

“I’m not having a funeral. Not a traditional one anyway.” The sound of her lighting a cigarette resonated in his ear. “She’ll be cremated on Saturday and then I’m having a Catholic mass. I don’t think it’s necessary for you to come.”

“Great. Thanks for letting me know exactly where I fit in your life.” He gripped the steering wheel and clenched his teeth.

“This isn’t about you and me, Ryan. And I don’t really need this shit right now. You want to support me? Then fucking respect what I need and give me some goddamn space!”

“Respect your needs? Tell you what, Maiya, when you figure out where I fit in your goddamn space, you let me know.” Fury lanced through his veins and boiled in his stomach. He disconnected the call without giving her a chance to reply—and before he said anything else in anger.

Maiya had lost her mother, and all he wanted to do was be there for her, take care of her and what did she do? She slammed the proverbial door right in his face.
She wants space? Fine, she’ll get her fucking space.
Peeling out into traffic, Ryan resumed his commute to work.

He stewed for the next few days until his anger settled into a plain old-fashioned river of hurt. She’d hurt him. As a result he’d lashed out at her in anger. Jodi had barely spoken to Maiya, either, and although knowing that made him feel a little better, it also made him worry. She’d walled herself off from everyone who cared about her. Hopefully Heather was there with her.

To top off the perfect shitty week, he’d gotten a call from his attorney. There would be no mediation around the new visitation request. He wasn’t interested in mediating anyway. He’d rather hit them head-on in court and send them back to Washington with their tails between their legs. A court date was set for three months from now. Fucking fabulous, as Maiya would say.

Saturday came, and he paced the house like a caged animal. Was she okay? Knowing he was in no condition to focus on his child’s needs, Ryan sent Jacob to his parents’ house for the weekend.

Unable to stand it any longer, Ryan packed a bag and got in the Porsche. Enough was enough.

After the funeral, Maiya sat alone on her back patio, sipping her coffee and chain-smoking cigarette after cigarette. She’d spent the majority of the week planning her mother’s small service alone too. No reason for now to be any different.

A few of her mother’s friends attended the mass, as well as some of Maiya’s. Heather was there, of course, and cried the whole time. But Maiya had kept one eye on the door of the church almost the entire mass, half expecting Ryan to show up.

He hadn’t. And why would he? She’d basically kicked him to the curb on Tuesday when they’d last spoken or…argued rather. The sound of the doorbell jerked Maiya from her thoughts. She bolted up from the lounge chair on the patio and ran into the house. Swinging the door open, she froze—speak of the devil and…

“Are you going to let me in or just stand there staring?” Ryan shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “It was a long drive.”

She peeked out to her driveway. His Porsche sat ticking and pinging as the engine cooled from what was no doubt a speeding trip from Los Angeles to Vegas.

“Maiya?”

She jerked her focus back to him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Can I come in?”

“Shit. Yes, of course. Sorry.” Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she stepped aside.

He walked in, dropped his bag on the floor and turned to face her. Closing the door, she met his gaze. Her tongue had molded itself to the roof of her mouth. Nervous energy vibrated in her palms. He looked pissed. She bit her bottom lip and smoothed both hands down her T-shirt.

Ryan stepped forward, his mouth set in a firm line, and she backed up until she met the hard wood of the door. He positioned one hand above her head and placed the other on her waist, fencing her in. But his warmth wrapped around her and her heart began to race.

“I’m pissed at you.” He stared into her eyes and his voice was deeper than it’d ever been before. She avoided his intense stare and zeroed in on the ticking muscle in his jaw instead. “Nothing to say, hmm?” Leaning forward, he ran his nose up the side of her neck. “I’m so fucking pissed at you, I drove damn near five hours to see you. Without stopping.” He squeezed her side.

“Oh. God.” Her body trembled from his light touch. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Ryan kissed her neck. “Let’s go.” He grabbed her hand, tugged her up the stairs and into her bedroom.

Powerless to stop him, she let him lead her. He’d come for her. The man had gotten in his car and drove across the desert.

For her.

Ryan sat her on her bed. “Stay,” he commanded and walked into her bathroom. She heard the shower start and a few moments later he emerged, stark naked. “Stand up and undress, now.”

She hesitated a moment but then did what he said. When she was naked, he took her by the hand, walked her into the bathroom and then stepped into the shower, taking her with him.

Ryan pushed her under the spray. The water ran over her head, dampened her hair and trickled down her face. Maiya leaned her head back under the full spray. He placed a gentle kiss on her neck and ran his fingers through her hair. Pulling her away from the spray a bit, he reached for her shampoo.

“I can do—”

“Shh.” Pouring some of the pale lavender liquid into his hand, Ryan lathered the shampoo into her hair. He turned her and spread the bubbles through the long lengths and then massaged her scalp.

She sighed, enjoying the feel of his hands. “That feels so good.”

When he was done, he turned her again and edged her under the spray to rinse the suds out. She reached for the conditioner and he took the bottle from her. “Let me do this for you.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Let me take care of you. I need to do this.”

Maiya pressed her palms to his chest and stared up at him while he smoothed the creamy product through her hair. Ryan dipped his head and kissed her. Soft and slow…sweet. The gentleness in his touch had tears welling and she swallowed them down with his kiss.

Pulling away, he grabbed the body wash and poured a generous amount into his palm. After building the liquid into a lather, he smoothed his soapy hands over her skin, massaging her shoulders and down her arms. She held on to his shoulders, entranced, gazing deep into his eyes. The tender expression in them swamped her senses and made her feel off center, yet grounded…as long as she held on to him.

Ryan moved his hands over her collarbones to her breasts, palming and kneading each mound of flesh. Going to his knees before her, he smoothed the soap over her stomach and onto her hips. “Spread your legs for me.”

She did as he asked, and shuddered when he spread her labia and washed her most intimate parts.

“You have such a beautiful pussy.” Ryan’s voice had gone deep and gravely.

Maiya’s stomach jumped and she gripped the skin of his shoulders, digging her nails in. Ryan continued down her thighs, washing each leg, from hip to ankle. He lifted each foot and washed over the sole with his palm. His brow was furrowed, his lips in a tight line, like he was concentrating on every part of her skin, making sure he didn’t miss a spot. It was the most sensual thing she’d ever experienced and, as her heart raced, all she could do was watch him with wonder.

Ryan rose to his feet, his gaze steady on hers. The care he showed her would be her undoing. She knew, as he washed her with precise motions, he broke down her walls, brick by solid brick. Maiya didn’t have a chance of resisting him.

Again, he pushed her beneath the spray to rinse her. Pressing his warm, wet body against hers, he ran his hands up and down her sides and then over her back and bottom, washing the soap away. “Let me take care of you, baby.” Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her. An endless, open-mouthed kiss.

Maiya let herself sink in to him. His lips were soft, his tongue firm and hot against hers. She undulated against him and explored his back and firm buttocks with her hands. His body was perfect. His erection, thick and hard, pressed to her belly between them.

No man had fit this perfect against her body before.

Moving a hand down her back, Ryan held her tight against him. Maiya moaned into his mouth, threading her fingers through his wet hair. He gripped her jaw with his other hand, controlling the kiss—controlling everything.

Ryan pulled away and pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you.” He licked his lips. “I’m in love with you, Maiya.”

Her vision blurred and the small space of her shower spun around her. She wasn’t sure if it was from the kissing, or from the declaration of his love. She closed her eyes and swallowed, then drew in a deep breath. “I need you inside me.”

Holding her tight, he turned them and pressed her to the shower wall. He gripped both of her thighs and raised her off of her feet. Maiya wrapped her legs around his waist and sank down on to his erection. His length filled her completely, and she sucked in a breath and bit his shoulder. She couldn’t say
I love you
back; couldn’t allow those three little words to escape her lips.

Emotions raced through her veins and her pulse beat in her ears. It was overwhelming and wonderful, and so very terrifying. He’d taken care of her physical needs, and then possessed her heart and soul. Maiya could only give him this part of her, as she’d done many times before tonight. But this time, for the first time, she let herself make love to him—against the wall in her shower, and then after, again in her bed.

She fell asleep in his arms with his words echoing in her mind.

Ryan lay there, listening to her breathe, relishing the softness of her skin and the warmth of her body. The tension that’d been building all week had peaked when he’d arrived. After seeing her face and then ordering her into the shower, he’d lost it, no longer able to hold back his feelings. He loved her, and there was no going back for him.

She’d been so vulnerable once they’d gotten into the shower, as if he’d finally pushed past her walls. Then after, while making love, she’d been more tender with him than ever before. Even though she hadn’t said
I love you
back, he
felt
her love to the bottom of his soul. Ryan held her closer to his body. She couldn’t push him away while she slept, that he was quite sure of.

The next morning, he woke when Maiya shifted, snuggling against him. “I have to leave soon,” he whispered.

She didn’t respond, only nodded, and he stroked his fingers through her hair. After a bit longer, she got up, pulled on her robe and walked to the door. “I’ll go make a pot of coffee.”

Awkwardness settled between them in the kitchen, neither of them having much to say. He’d said the words and it was as if they’d fallen between them on the floor, creating another hurdle for them to climb over.
Dammit, this is hard.
He wasn’t willing to take them back though.

She walked him to the door and kissed him, then wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tight to her chest.

“I meant what I said last night.” Burying his face in her hair, he breathed her in. “They weren’t just words in the heat of the moment.”

She took a step back. “I know.”

“I’ll talk to you soon.” Ryan placed a small kiss on her cheek, and then turned and left.

The ball was in her court.