Up High in the Trees (20 page)

You gotta take your shoes off, he says so I do. Jackson clicks on the TV and goes through the channels fast.

I like it in this room. It's all blue and white. The TV is on a short, white table and underneath is a blue circle rug. There's only one picture on the wall. The picture is of Jackson's mom standing on a beach with Jackson and Shelly. Shelly is small and naked and Jackson is small, too. He's holding on to his mom's leg. His mom's wearing a blue flower bathing suit and white sunglasses and she's smiling with her head tilted sideways.

Where's your dad? I ask.

I don't know, says Jackson. He's still clicking through the channels.

I scrape out the rest of the peanut butter with my hand.

You like this show? Jackson asks. It's
America's Funniest Home Videos
.

I don't care, I say. I just want to lie down on the puffy bed. I am tired all over. The inside of my body is tired.

You're in a bad mood, Jackson tells me.

Yes, I say and lick the rest of the peanut butter off my fingers. I think about how I left Dad alone.

Are you going to live for a long time? I ask Jackson.

I guess, he says. He's looking at the TV. In fifty years, people are going to live on the moon, he says. I'll probably die up there.

Shelly comes in and jumps up on the bed with us.

What're you guys doing? she asks.

We're watching TV, dummy, says Jackson.

Shelly hits him hard on the back and his back makes a hollow sound.

Don't touch me, Jackson says.

Jackson's going to drive Mom crazy, Shelly says to me. She slides down off the bed fast and runs out of the room.

Stay out! Jackson screams at her.

The peanut butter's gone, I tell Jackson. Do you have any milk?

Downstairs, he says.

I try to watch the TV. A girl swings her golf club and it hits her dad.

Right in the balls, says Jackson.

I close my eyes and listen to the TV laugh. Then I let myself fall back on the bed.

Will you go downstairs with me? I ask with my eyes still closed. I hear Jackson jump down off the bed.

Come on, he says.

I get up. All the way down the hall and down the stairs, I think about Dad hiding under his bed. I could go home and hide with him.

In the kitchen, Jackson's mom and Baby Chester are playing on the floor with blocks.

What's going on? she asks and tucks her hair back behind her ears.

He wants milk, says Jackson.

Sure, their mom says, you can show Sebastian where the cups are.

She's building a tower with the blocks. She puts a yellow block on top and then opens up her arms and says, Tadaaaaa.

Chester knocks over her tower. The blocks are loud all over the floor.

Boom, Chester says and laughs.

Jackson hands me an orange plastic cup. I hold it with two hands and he pours the milk for me.

That's enough, I say.

I take a sip and then watch him walk over to Chester. Their mom is picking up the blocks that are all over the floor. Jackson holds Chester's hands to help him stand up and then he lets go.

Look, he says, Chessie's standing by himself.

Be careful with him, their mom says.

The inside of my cup is shiny orange plastic and when I drink, I can see my face at the bottom.

Their mom is looking at me when I finish my milk.

How are you? she asks.

I like your white sunglasses, I tell her.

Yeah, she says, I don't know what ever happened to those. She smiles now. Her teeth are crooked in front, but they are nice, white teeth.

Mother had brown sunglasses at the beach. She was rubbing coconut sunscreen on my chest and down my arms. I liked the coconut smell.

I see two Sebbys, I told her and pointed to one dark lens and then the other.

Mother smiled and pushed her sunglasses up to the top of her head. Now there's only one of you, she said. She reached out and touched the tip of my nose.

I have to go see my dad now, I tell Jackson and his mom.

I know if I don't go home, then Dad will be all alone.

I don't want to tell anyone, but it's here inside of me. I know things that happened to Mother and what she saw.

I was sleeping, but I could see Mother running in the dark.

The car came around the corner with its lights shining. Mother closed her eyes and ran into the lights.

I go straight to Dad's room and look under the bed. He's still lying on his back with the cat. We look at each other and this time I don't say anything. I leave him again.

In my room, I take out my paper bag from Halloween and find the picture of Mother laughing with her eyes closed. I put the picture in a secret pocket inside of my jean jacket and I go.

Outside, I hear the sound of cold like the sound in a freezer when you open it up. The grass is frozen and crunches every time I step.

I find the bike leaning against the side of the house and push it by the handlebars out to the sidewalk. I have to get on fast and start pedaling and then it will be easy once I'm going.

So that I'm not thinking about getting on the bike, I try to think about something else. I think about my grandpa Chuck. I say his name in my head and it sounds funny. It's not real to have a name for someone you don't know.

I'm on the bike now and I just have to keep pedaling so I don't fall. I ride past the post office and past the restaurant with the sign that says Mitchell's and then I don't know any of the places, but I keep going. I have to be far away.

I ride until I see a pier that's painted white. I know this is where to stop. Now I have to be careful, because if I stop too fast then I will fall. Gently, I push backward on one pedal and
the bike slows down, and then I drag my feet to make myself stop all the way.

I leave the bike and walk down the pier with the picture of Mother in my secret pocket. The white paint on the pier is peeling off and underneath the wood is old. I don't like how the peeling paint looks like fish scales flaking off. Too many fish scales. I want to stop and touch where the paint is peeling, but I don't. I know what to do.

At the end of the pier, I take the picture of Mother out of my pocket. I kiss Mother's forehead and look at her laughing face for a long time.

Then I drop the picture into the water and watch it float. I wait for it to start sinking. It's supposed to sink down the way Mother's pink soap bird sank down when she dropped it in the water, but the picture keeps floating. I lie on my stomach and reach down. I touch the water with just one finger to test how it feels. The cold feels like burning and growing, like it's making my finger stretch out bigger and bigger. Then with my whole hand, I push the picture of Mother under. I hold the picture down and look at Mother's face underwater. Her face flickers like a light, on and off. I pull my hand out and it feels heavy, like it's not mine. Mother's picture stays underwater.

I stand up with my hand hanging down heavy and I watch the picture underwater. I'm waiting for Mother's picture to make me jump. Then Mother's face flickers dark and I jump in to save her.

The water hurts. I can't feel the cold like I did when I put in just my finger, but now the water stings. I try to kick. It's hard to move my legs. My legs are too heavy or the water's too heavy. My clothes are sticking to me, pulling me down. I try to kick and swim, but my body aches like it's tired. I'm holding on to the picture and I'm trying to kick my legs. Water splashes on my glasses so I can't see.

I don't know how to get out. I'm reaching up with my hand, but my hand is so heavy. I have to reach way up to the pier. I'm trying to hold on to the picture. I can't feel it in my hand anymore.

There's a voice calling. I can hear a voice yelling and then the voice is right there close to me. I'm crying and choking. Water's coming in my mouth and I can't breathe. The water's hurting me all over. I can't feel the picture of Mother.

The voice pulls me out of the water and then I can see the voice is a man. He's holding me and running. My body hurts like it's still in the water. I feel like I'm growing, like my body's stretching out and out and my head is growing up into space. I think maybe I will float away. I'll float back up to the trees. Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be, with Mother and Sara Rose.

The man is asking me where I live and I want to tell him. I'm trying to tell him. The white house, I think in my head. The white house with the birds. I think of birds. I try to tell him and then my head fills up with light.

Dad's holding me. We're sitting next to the fireplace where it's warm. I'm wrapped up tight in an itchy, thick red blanket. The blanket's so tight I can't move. I can just wiggle my feet and sort of twist back and forth and that's okay. I don't want to move. I hold still and let my body be soft and heavy. My body feels tired, like it's sinking down. The same sinking feeling I felt in the water. I want to sleep.

Dad's singing to me in a low voice, the Mamas and Papas song about a gypsy and the dancing bear. Mother used to sing it to me. I close my eyes and think of the bear dancing with rainbow ribbons flying. The bear has big, soft feet the way Dad has big, soft hands.

Dad stops singing. He's rocking me and he says my name.

Sebby, he says.

I don't say anything.

Sebby, he says again, what happened?

On the phone, Cass says that she's coming to get me. Her voice sounds mad.

No, I tell her. I don't want to go with her. I want to stay here.

Sebby, Cass says, you don't have a choice—I'll be there tomorrow afternoon.

I don't say anything.

Give the phone to Dad, says Cass.

I run upstairs and lie down on the bed where I sleep. This is my room now and I want to stay. I pull the pillow over my head because I'm not talking to anyone and I'm not leaving this room. Cass is mad and I won't go with her.

I can hear Dad coming. When he sits, my bed sinks down. Dad doesn't say anything. I want to kick and scream, but I can feel my eyes burning hot like I'm going to cry. I bite hard on the inside of my mouth to make my eyes stop. I lift up the pillow.