Valley of Ashes (45 page)

But the woman I had been did not survive losing my second-born daughter, although she is still very much alive as I write this, these many years later.

Long before the diagnosis, she was being spirited away. I hadn’t known it.

I will always
always
despise myself for that. For every moment of her that I squandered.

Everything since has been underscored by that heartbreak. All gains tempered by the dull impasto of that loss, and all light dimmed.

I would learn, quickly, that Setsuko meant nothing by comparison. Dean’s faithlessness even less.

I’m so glad I didn’t have to know all of it, that night: how very much sorrow I had yet to wade through. How much deeper into that ugly water I’d be forced to walk.

Until it was over my head, by fathoms and fathoms.

As it remains, and always will.

You do become accustomed to that, though not easily. Mimi was right.

But I couldn’t have borne having to comprehend
any
of what was yet to come, that night. Let alone all of it.

She was right about that, too.

Everyone’s past is filled with pain enough. We don’t need to see what’s yet to be endured.

I leaned down in the darkness, brushing my lips across Parrish’s, basking in the soft, sweet exhalation of her breath.

Like clover, like honey, like summer.

Fireflies. Innocence. Racing and tumbling barefoot across wide green lawns while the grown-ups watch over us, luminous in the porch light; shimmering and elegant, behind the screens.

Of course they’re there. We don’t have to look, sure they’ll keep us safe forever.

A blessing, not knowing all that we must lose. All that will be sacrificed.

I gave Parrish another kiss.

My darling girl.

My changeling.

T
his novel took far longer to write than I intended. Some excruciating stuff happened during the years it took me to finish it: my father committed suicide, I got divorced, and I moved from one coast of the country to another.

I am tremendously grateful for the grace, patience, and wisdom of my stellar agent Amy Rennert and my two magnificent editors at Grand Central Publishing, Celia Johnson and Emily Griffin. (Les Pockell, you too. We all miss you.)

My daughter Grace is just an entirely amazing person and friend. Also, she is
really
funny.

Without the heroic members of my writing group—Madeleine Butler, Karen Catalona, Daisy James, Sharon Johnson, Kirsten Saxton, and emeriti Charles King and Karen Murphy—this book would not exist, and neither would any claim to sanity I might have left.

Kelly Davidian very kindly vetted the fire stuff for me. She is awesome. I’m sure I’ve still made mistakes, but she did the very best she could to keep me from looking like a total idiot.

Candace Andrews and Rae Helmsworth and Andi Shechter and Ariel Zeitlin (alphabetically) were kind, thoughtful, and encouraging about this work. As they are about everything. I am damn lucky to have them as my pals.

I am also deeply thankful to my fellow bloggers and backbloggers at Murderati and The Lipstick Chronicles, because you all made me feel like I had “home” with me no matter where I was actually living.

There are many, many people who did yeoman work helping to maintain my mental equilibrium over the past three years. If you made me laugh or listened to me weep (on the phone or in person or by email) when the shit was hitting the fan and throughout the aftermath, you know who you are and I hope you know I seriously love you for it. That goes triple for you, Mom.

Riegert… dude, you rock.

And lastly, as promised, I’d very much like to thank Evyn Goldstein, the really cool kid I sat next to on the plane to Vancouver last summer, for making me laugh even though I didn’t get any sleep the night before. I hope you and your family had a really,
really
great time in China.

C
ORNELIA
R
EAD
grew up in New York, California, and Hawaii. A reformed debutante who currently lives in New York City, she is the author of three previous books:
A Field of Darkness, The Crazy School,
and
Invisible Boy.
To learn more about the author, you can visit her website at
CorneliaRead.com
.

1. The title of the novel comes from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s
The Great Gatsby
; Fitzgerald’s “valley of ashes” is a bleak stretch of land between New York City and the fictional West Egg. In what ways is Boulder also a “valley of ashes” in this novel, despite its altitude?

2. Almost from the outset of
Valley of Ashes
, we know that Madeline feels ill suited to her role as full-time mother and homemaker. Have you ever felt out-of-sorts in a life situation you had little ability to change?

3. Though Madeline is depressed, she is also extremely funny about her domestic frustrations. Is humor a defense mechanism for her? Or one of survival?

4. Have you ever worked for someone like Bittler? How did you handle a boss with that kind of personality?

5. What does the dinner scene with Dean and Cary’s Japanese colleagues tell you about the compromises that people make for the sake of business relationships? What would cross the line for you?

6. One of the book’s themes is the ongoing oppression of women, though the story takes place decades after the women’s movement
was launched. Which female characters serve as inspirations? Are there any cautionary examples?

7. Did the identity of Cary’s killer surprise you? In what ways does the murderer go against type?

8. By the end of the novel, a discovery has overshadowed Madeline’s grief over the loss of a friend and the slow dissolution of her marriage. Have you ever experienced a tragedy that has thrown other losses into relief?

9. Have you read other of the author’s Madeline Dare novels? How has Madeline changed over the course of four books? What about Dean?

A Field of Darkness

The Crazy School

Invisible Boy

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