Virtue & Vanity (14 page)

“Isabelle, I cannot let you go,” he said with what looked like an expression of remorse on his face, but it quickly disappeared as he regained his composure.

“And I...I cannot give you a son.” I returned my head to my knees feeling helpless, not caring that it was raining and that I was getting wet.

“You should have thought about that sooner. There will be no more talk of the divorce. Not until you fulfill your duty. It’s raining. We’re going back into the house.” His voice was determined and scary.

When he mentioned I needed to fulfill my duty, I knew exactly what he meant and all of the sudden, I wasn’t that brave anymore. I knew that the real drama would start the moment we entered the house and I panicked.

“I’m not going anywhere with you!” I asserted firmly but inside I was scared.

“Get up. I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.” His voice was relentless.

“No.” I was determined. “I’m not going. You... you’ll hurt me.”

“Isabelle, I swear to God, if you don’t start walking right now, I will carry you into the house and then I’ll fuck you into obedience. The choice is yours entirely!” he threatened in a low, steady voice.

I lowered my head, quivering from the coldness of the rainy summer night as well as the coldness of his heart. He stood up and I cringed because his threats rang in my head. His arms were already reaching towards me in fury when I got up and started running. He ran after me, but I was incredibly fast, even though I had no idea where I was going. I just wanted to get away. Away from my mother, from him, from that house and especially from that contract that was binding me to do something awful. I was completely wet and my feet were cold and muddy, but I didn’t care about any of that. The only thing I focused on was extending the distance between us. Unfortunately, I couldn’t keep up with the fast running pace and pay attention to the slick ground I was stepping on, so I slipped and fell on the cold, muddy ground. My white nightgown was damp and covered in dirt. I tried to get back on my feet, but he caught up with me before I could recover. He was soaking wet, with beads of water dripping from his face and hair. His breathing was harsh and his nostrils were flaring, showing me how enraged he was. Then he noticed I wasn’t wearing any shoes.

“You’re barefoot?” he yelled at me in disbelief.

I didn’t have any time to reply or fight him when he cursed and lifted me in his arms.

“Don’t. Put me down.” I was alarmed and I tried to get away but he tightened his grip around me.

“Shut up and stop squirming if you don’t want me to drop you. You have your own stupidity to thank for this!”

Being trapped in his arms made me desperately afraid. My body shook against his chest while my head rested on his shoulder. It was raining heavily and the ground was soaked with water, just as we were, but he carried me without any difficulty, like I was light as a feather. When we entered the house, I saw it was dark in the patio, which meant that Cora had already left. I expected him to put me down, but he walked towards the stairway and I tensed up when I became aware that he was taking me to the master bedroom. Desperation took hold of me when he opened the door of his room and I remembered the threat he made in the garden.

Chapter Seventeen

I winced when he lowered me to the floor. We were soaking wet, standing only inches away from each other. I squeezed my hands around my wet nightgown because now it was see-through and glued to my naked skin. Not taking my guard off, I was alerted about every move he made. At first, he was just watching me in a strange way, like he never had before and then, to my absolute dread, he started removing his clothes. As he took off his tie and his shirt, I couldn’t hide the traces of horror on my face. Terrifying thoughts consumed my mind and I was at the verge of crying. 
He was going to hurt me. I made him angry and now he was going to make good on his threat.
I cringed when I heard him remove his belt and the scary flashbacks were interchanging before my eyes.

“W-What are you doing?” I didn’t dare to look at him.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” He cocked his head, waiting for my reply.

“P-Please d-don...” If he didn’t stop me, I would have started hyperventilating. 

“I’m taking off my wet clothes. You should do the same unless you want to catch a cold,” he said nonchalantly and I tightened the grip of my hands around myself.

He sighed when he noticed how deeply my need for self-preservation went. In a matter of seconds, he approached me, grabbed my wrists and gazed at my dirty nightgown. He smirked when he noticed my deep blush caused by his intimidating attention.

“Take it off. It doesn’t leave anything to imagination anyway,” he said slowly and I shuddered while his eyes continued roaming the length of my body. 

After staring at me for several long moments, he disappeared into the huge walk-in closet and returned with a navy blue T-shirt in his hands. Handing me the shirt, he told me once again to take off my nightgown and put the shirt on, because he didn’t want me to get sick. I was in a state of a mental frenzy, afraid that he would make me undress in front of him. Fortunately, instead of waiting for me to do as I was told, he disappeared into the bathroom. I heard him run the shower which gave me time to take off my dirty nightgown, dry my wet body and change into his shirt. It covered almost every single inch of my upper body, leaving my legs completely bare. Sebastian gaped at me in surprise when he came back into the room, wearing nothing but his briefs. His eyes were fixed on my legs and they were filled with the dangerous expression of lust, like he wanted to eat me for dinner. Standing so close to his muscled, exposed body alarmed me, so I decided to disappear into the bathroom before he could confront me with one of his cruel comments. Taking a shower was something I desperately wanted to do, but I was too scared that he would barge into the bathroom at any given moment because, of course, I couldn’t lock the door. Since I was afraid to take my clothes off and take a shower, I decided to only wash my face and my dirty feet. The fear of going back to that room wouldn’t leave my mind, but I was exhausted and tired of running. 

When I opened the door, I saw him lying on the bed. His eyes were closed, his breathing steady, so I assumed he was sleeping. His threat that we would share the bed like a real married couple rang in my mind. He hadn’t explicitly told me that I needed to sleep in the master bedroom, but what other reason could he have for bringing me there? It had occurred to me that I could sneak out and sleep in my own room. I waited for a few minutes to make sure he was sound asleep and then I made a move towards the door.

“Don’t even think about it. Get in the bed.” I barely managed to make a few steps when I heard his low voice. “You don’t want to piss me off, Isabelle!” he threatened and pulled the blanket on my side of the bed after I didn’t obey him the first time.

I had no other choice but to crawl into the bed beside him. I tried to make myself as small as possible, not wanting to touch him in any way. When I was finally under the blankets, I moved all the way to the edge of the mattress, holding on to the side of the bed to stop myself from falling off. I heard him sigh and laugh mockingly. He must have thought I was being ridiculous. I was grateful when he turned out the light, leaving us in dark.

In the darkness, I was overwhelmed by the familiar scent that dominated the room. The bed, the sheets, the pillow, the shirt he’d made me wear—everything reeked of him. It was the scent that evoked the twisting pain in my very core. Terror gripped me when I noticed he was still almost naked, wearing nothing but his briefs. I was completely rigid, afraid to move or breathe. He was inches away from me and I expected to be attacked at any moment. Violent shivers emerged from the depths of my frightened body, making the entire mattress shake. I waited for him to touch me. I waited for him to hurt me. I didn’t want to draw his attention, but I simply couldn’t calm down.

“Stop shaking like a goddamned leaf and go to sleep already, or I’ll give you a real reason to be afraid.” His voice startled me from the dark.

I knew I had to regain my composure, but it was easier said than done and his threat had only made it worse. The bitter memories emerged to the surface and I wondered how much longer I could survive without getting a break from the constant fear and worry that was eating me alive. As I felt the light tears falling down my cheeks, I bit my lip because I didn’t want to make a sound. I was so angry with myself for crying and for being weak, but tears were the only defense mechanism I had; the only thing that helped me to cope with the pain. Even though I fought to keep my breathing steady, after a while I had to draw in a shaky breath because I was starting to feel lightheaded. The very moment he heard it, the light on the nightstand went on and before I knew it, he was staring at my tear-stained face. I wanted to close my eyes and look away, but I was trapped under the power of his scrutinizing gaze. It seemed as though he was staring at me for an eternity and the longer his eyes lingered on my face, the worse my state of mind was getting. 

“I have no intention to fuck you, if that’s what has you so worried,” he whispered in a low voice like he wanted me to believe him, but those words definitely weren’t enough to reassure me. 

He was noticeably annoyed when my tears kept flowing even after what he had told me. A sob escaped my throat and when he sighed I knew I had only made him more upset. He cupped my face and got closer to me. I was shivering as his sharp breath grazed the damp skin on my face and those green eyes that were usually stripped of any emotion looked at me with intensity. “Stop. Crying. I said I would give you time, so calm down and go to sleep,” he said in a firm voice, then swiftly moved away from me and turned out the light. 

It took all of my self-control to still my body and stop crying, but my emotional dread remained very real. I closed my eyes and tried to still myself, but to no avail. Thinking and dreaming about it had been scary, but lying so close within his reach was a whole new level of horror. I tried to fall asleep, but it was an impossible mission. The hurricane of unsettling thoughts kept assaulting my mind and torturing my soul. I didn’t know how long I had stayed awake, but eventually the worry that he would touch me was so strong, it drained all of my energy and my eyes were closing against my will. At last, I fell asleep.

I could feel him coming closer, and I knew I shouldn’t have let my guard down. He pulled me towards him, holding me tight within his strong grip. Convulsing in his arms, I took deep breaths and tried to set myself free. He touched me possessively, whispering horrifying things to me.

“Spread your legs and let me fuck you already,” he repeated the phrase that was engraved in my mind.

I closed my eyes and I was so scared of having sex with him again, because I knew it would hurt. His hands strongly gripped my waist so he could turn me on my belly and settle his weight on top of me. The air I tried to breathe in so badly was gone and I started panicking.

“Isabelle! Isabelle!” I heard his voice calling me, but it didn’t make any sense, because he was the one crushing me with his weight.

After moments of trying, I managed to take in a chunk of air and I opened my eyes, only to see Sebastian shaking me and calling my name. I was flabbergasted because the face from my nightmare came back to haunt me in real life. Still fearing his attack from the dream, I raised my hands to defend myself when he reached towards my face, convinced he wanted to strike me.

“Don’t, Se-ba-stian,” I muttered in shock, panting for air and I started whimpering from despair.

“Jesus Christ... Isabelle.” He closed his eyes as he intensified his grip on my shoulder and tried to pull me towards him, but I jerked and flinched away from him.

His eyes snapped open and confronted me with their unnerving stare that scared the life out of me.

“P-please,” I whispered through the choking lump of fear.

Slowly, he removed his hands from my shoulders and stared at me, his face aghast.

Shame washed over me because I became aware that he knew what I had dreamt about. He knew what he had done to me and it made me feel dirty. I was scared of him, but also immensely disgusted with myself. He moved to the edge of the bed and looked at me with transparent intent, like he was dying to ask me something. Seeing him almost naked, sitting only inches away from me was entirely too much. Being within his reach made me feel vulnerable and I sensed that I had to get away from him if I didn’t want to endure another panic attack. I got on my shaky legs and started moving towards the bathroom. He didn’t stop me like I expected he would, he just remained sitting on the bed without making a single sound. I dragged myself to the bathtub, turned on the water and let his shirt slip from my body. The need to wash myself was stronger than fear. I entered the cleansing paradise for my body and soul and, after a particular recollection came back to me, I broke down, fearing that I would witness the blood going down the drain again. I hugged my knees and started crying without making a sound. 
Why did he have to hurt me so badly that I could never heal again?
 

For a long time, I stayed in that bathtub, curved into a ball of misery and torturing my mind with everything that terrified me. I snapped back from my thoughts when I heard him open the door and enter the bathroom.
The devil had come to collect his due.
He approached me with a big towel in his hands and knelt to my level. I wouldn’t look at him. I couldn’t let him humiliate me again. The darkness lurking around him scared me to death and I knew he was intent on doing something to me. He tried to touch me but I winced every time he wanted to come closer.

“Get up, you cannot stay in that bathtub forever,” he said in his usual cold voice, but strangely, he was calm.

My body was trembling, afraid of the consequences if I didn’t listen to him, but my mind was set on disobeying him.

“The water is getting cold and I’m not leaving until you get out.” He repeated his request, only this time his voice was different; silent and patient.

Betraying myself again, I started getting out of the tub, shivering from coldness and clenching my arms around my naked body. He got up as well, and although his voice sounded calm moments ago, his eyes were still filled with darkness that terrified me.

“I’m s-scared of you. Please don’t h-hurt me.”

I was completely sincere, standing bare in front of him; literary and figuratively. He made me meet his gaze and I looked at him with the eyes of a frightened doe that was about to be slaughtered. Suddenly, his darkness subsided and transformed into something else entirely. Something I had never seen. He didn’t say anything. With relentless persistence glowing from his eyes, he simply ran his thumb over my trembling lip and kept staring at me. Then, he wiped away one of my fresh tears with that same thumb, never breaking the gaze between us. Still fearing his attack, I allowed myself to breathe only shallow breaths. We remained frozen like that for a few moments until he tried to remove my arms from my body so he could wrap the towel around me. I flinched and tried to sit back into the bathtub, but he held me by the elbows to stop me.

He brushed his thumb over my lips again and he was staring at them almost as if they fascinated him. Still holding my right elbow, he pulled me closer to him and the paralyzing fear crept up my bones. I expected him to humiliate me by saying something hateful. I braced myself for his harshness but his voice came out in a whisper that was almost soothing. “Relax. Don’t be afraid.”

Taken aback by his words and fighting my panic in the process, I allowed him to do what he wanted. My entire face reddened with shame as I removed my arms, leaving my body exposed for his gaze. To my complete astonishment, he wrapped the towel around me without taking his eyes off mine, so he didn’t even glance at my nakedness. That was the first time he had shown me a glimpse of compassion and I didn’t know whether I could trust it. Then he tried to lift me in his arms and I instinctively attempted to get away from his grip. Breathing like a wounded dove, I felt cornered when he approached me. His demeanor confused me because there was nothing angry or threatening about it, and he radiated some kind of unknown calmness which terrified me even more than his rage. That was why I cowered away and pushed myself against the wall the moment he tried to touch me again. I couldn’t stop quivering and clenching onto the towel, which was my only source of protection at that moment. I was governed by the absolute terror as he laid his hands on my shoulders and leaned closer to me.

“Shh,” there was that light voice again, “don’t fear me. I won’t.” His green eyes gleamed at me. “I won’t hurt you. I promise.” His words disarmed me and I collapsed into his arms, letting him lift me up gently and the last thing I remember before blackness appeared before my eyes was wondering where he was taking me.