Virtue & Vanity (17 page)

“Only touch,” he whispered reassuringly. “I want to show you that being touched by me isn’t the scariest thing in the world.” 
But it is. Nothing scares me more than you!

With extreme caution, as if sensing my wariness, he leaned even closer. He was completely in my personal space, wrapped around me like we were a single unit and it gave me goose bumps. His eyes remained locked on mine as he parted his lips and I let out a gasp, remembering how gently he had kissed Cora in the patio that night. His nose snuggled against mine as his lips came so close to my mouth, almost brushing against it. My lips started trembling in anticipation because I had never been kissed before. The kiss every girl dreams about was denied to me on my wedding, as well as on the wedding night. Strangely, although I was wondering how it would feel if our lips collided in a gentle touch, I didn’t want him to give me my first kiss. It was the only pure part of me I had left, the only thing I could keep for myself, and I wasn’t prepared to let him take that away from me. As if he was able to read my mind, instead of kissing my mouth, he lowered his lips to my chin and kissed it softly. Then, he pushed my chin up and started tracing my neck with soft, gentle kisses. I liked it, in fact, I enjoyed it and it made me feel ashamed, because I knew what cruel intentions drove him to kiss me like that.

The proof that I was right happened moments after, when he fixed his hand on my hip and started pulling my nightgown up, all the while kissing my neck. He looked up at me and brushed his thumb along my trembling face. A sob escaped my throat when he took me by surprise and slowly started climbing on top of me. My body stiffened under his weight and I winced in fear. It felt different that on our wedding night when he made me lie on my stomach. It felt more intimate. It felt safer. Still, it didn’t feel comfortable, because nothing could ease the terror that became a part of my very core.

I didn’t dare to utter a single word because I was scared I could provoke him to hurt me. He looked at me with a stare that reflected the certainty of desire in his eyes, and it was my undoing. The stream of heavy tears started spilling down my cheeks as I shivered from terror. He buried his nose in my hair and mildly moved it across my scalp. Then he gave me a soft kiss on the forehead and his lips travelled to my cheeks, kissing away my teardrops. He looked straight into my eyes with visible determination on his face.

“Don’t,” he whispered as he stroked my hair. “Don’t cry. Don’t be afraid.” He brushed his knuckles along my temple.

Panic took over as he settled his weight on top of me and I shuddered violently, frozen from fear.

“Shh, nothing bad will happen.” He tried to soothe me.

“P-Please,” I muttered through a frightened gasp with tears dwelling in my eyes.

“Are you afraid of the pain?” He gave me a knowing look and all I could offer as a response was a barely noticeable nod.

“Nothing I do will hurt. I promise,” he whispered reassurances as his hand traveled across my body and paused at my lower waist.

Feeling his touch there scared me out of my mind. I felt the building heat on my face and I knew I was blushing from the unbearable shame. He kissed my forehead again and started whispering softly.

“Relax. I want to make you feel good. I’m not going to hurt you. No pain,” he said as he gently moved his fingers even lower.

I was shivering, overwhelmed with fear and something else that scared me even more than the possibility he might hurt me. All at once, I hated and loved what he was doing to me and I despised myself for getting excited by his touch. His erection pulsated against my inner thigh, reminding me that he wanted to be inside me again. It was something I couldn’t even think about—let alone experience—without blacking out from terror. A scary recollection of that dark night sprang to my mind and I winced in shock.

“Isabelle.” He lowered his face to mine again and whispered in my ear. “It’s alright. There is nothing to fear. No pain.” He caressed my flushed cheeks. “No shame.”

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to erase all those horrifying images from my memory. My mind tried to pretend we were trapped in a separate fragment of time which wasn’t influenced by anything else and I imagined what it would feel like if that had been the very first time he had ever touched me. 
What would it be like if there were no consequences or painful memories threatening this intimate moment between us? 
In a play pretend world, everything would have been different. There wouldn’t be any fear, pain or shame. But I wasn’t in a play pretend world. I was still trapped in my real life nightmare with the man I was so guarded against—the man who was trying to break down my walls and leave me defenseless.

Confusion swept over me as I tried to grasp the meaning of the unfamiliar feelings he had evoked in me. 
Was I that desperate for his gentle touch even if I knew it wasn’t real, even if I knew he didn’t give it sincerely? Would I honestly let him trick me into giving him a son?
 I feared the answer that rang in my mind. Things were crystal clear since he had warned me about his expectations, given the nature of our marriage. He had told me that I could comply or I would be forced to do so, and right now he was giving me a chance to make that choice. Even though it felt a lot better than when he forced me with violence, I was too frightened to give myself to him willingly.

All kinds of thoughts were going through my head as his body stilled on top of mine and he didn’t do anything except stare into my worried eyes with his palm frozen against my cheek. The expectation only made me more nervous, and I couldn’t stop quivering beneath him. When he diverted his eyes from mine, I swallowed a lump of fear as his gaze traveled to my almost entirely exposed breasts. I closed my eyes when he brushed his lips against my collarbone and continued marking a path to my chest. I was breathing rapidly, consumed by different kinds of good and bad emotions. It wasn’t easy, but I willed my body to relax. I could still feel his erection, but he hadn’t done anything yet, so I tried to calm myself down.

The moment my panic lessened, he sensed it and his hoarse voice rang in my ears once again.

“It can be different, Isabelle. I want to show you. Let me make it better,” he said in an aching whisper and my breathing quickened as his hand slowly slid down, until I felt it on the fabric of my panties.

My eyes opened wide and I shrieked from the shock when he touched me there, remembering his violent treatment on our wedding night. In a single moment, fear, shame, humiliation and panic, all combined into one scary sensation that landed on my chest like a heavy stone, cutting off my air supply in the process. I started trembling and fighting for air that wouldn’t travel from my lungs. Sebastian had a confused look on his face and he immediately stopped touching me. He started shaking my shoulder to bring me back from the trance I was trapped in.

“Isabelle?” He was alarmed. “Look at me, Isabelle. Now!” he yelled and I inhaled deeply, turning my frightened gaze towards him.

His eyes examined my face as the darkness settled back in them. I couldn’t bear seeing him look at me like that, not after all the gentle caresses and kisses he had laid on my body. As the reality sunk back in, together with the scary memories that were taunting me, I felt defiled by his touch and I wanted to scrub him off of me. He glared at me with a dark expression and lust written all over his face, but there was also something else; something that kept him distraught and distant. Then he swallowed loudly and I flinched when his hand moved towards my face in an attempt to touch me.

“You can’t make it better!” I whispered in a shaky voice and practically jumped off the bed, fearing his reaction.

Still breathing nervously, I ran into the bathroom.

“Fuck!” I heard him howl in an angry voice and punch the wall with his fist.

Fearing his retaliation, I escaped to the corner on the end of the bathroom and sat down on the cold floor. I hugged my knees and closed my eyes, thinking about how stupid I’d been to enjoy his faked tenderness. Instead of being extra cautious, I’d let him fool me into thinking there was a glimpse of light inside of him. His true nature was extremely dark, and it was something I had already found out the hard way. As the reminiscence of everything that had happened settled in my mind, the urge to wash every inch of my body wouldn’t leave me alone.

I sat under the shower, hoping the water would wash away all the bad memories that were stuck with me. When I heard the screech of the door, I froze and stopped breathing, knowing I would have to face him again. But moments went by and nothing happened until I heard the sound of the door closing, and I was finally able to draw in a breath. Confusion mixed with immense sadness attacked my already tortured soul as I thought about his determination to divorce me by getting me pregnant. I felt so broken that I couldn’t even cry. I stood up, emotionless, dried my body, put on my nightgown and returned to the room. It was dark and the room was empty. Instead of going after me, he had left when his anger took hold of him and I felt grateful for that. Lethargically, I got on the bed and closed my eyes. I was too tired to be hurt, too tired to be afraid, too tired to have any hope left.

Chapter Twenty

In the middle of the night, my eyes opened in the dark, summoned by the heavenly sound of the piano. 
Moonlight sonata. 
At first I thought I was dreaming, but as I gradually opened my eyes and regained consciousness I was sure I had heard that piano one more time. I looked around and noticed Sebastian wasn’t sleeping beside me. The emotion of the music made me take a deep breath in the dark. I stood up, fighting the urge to seek the mysterious piano player again. I knew that his fingers were pressing the piano keys and creating the night magic that spread through the darkness. I walked up to the window where the light of the full moon radiated on me. While admiring the perfect view of the garden in the night, my eyes closed of their own accord. I wrapped my arms around my middle as the fresh memories of his caresses appeared in my mind. A strange interlude of images from our wedding night, and the ones I’d experienced when he was gentle, flashed before my eyes. There was so much darkness in him, darkness that would never cease to terrorize me. But then again, he was such a great master of deception, that at times he could hide that darkness and show me a different, brighter side of him. And that side scared me, because it could deceive me and make me think he cared in a way that would stop him from hurting me. I knew how dangerous it was to believe that, especially after what he had done to me. It was so confusing and thinking about it had drained all of my energy.

I went back to bed and shut my eyes tightly, letting the beautiful melody take me to my dreams, and, for the first time, I didn’t wake up screaming and panting for air.

***

The creaking sound of the loud steps against the hardwood floor woke me up. I sat up and I saw Sebastian walking in the room. We stared at each other for a moment without saying a single word. He was a mess. His shirt was wrinkled and, for the first time, it wasn’t tucked in his pants. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept all night. I had never seen him like that because normally he would always have the picture perfect look. His cold expression made me wonder what was happening in his head, but I didn’t dare to ask, fearing his answer. The feeling of uneasiness crept into me as he started unbuttoning his shirt. He noticed. I knew he noticed when he looked at me with his dark stare, but he ignored my fearful reaction and disappeared into the bathroom. I heard the water running and I thought he would return to the room naked after his shower, like he had done the previous evening. When the noise subsided and I heard he was coming back a few moments after, I quickly looked away from the bathroom door. He entered the room and I blushed because I could feel he was watching me. From the corner of my eye, I looked towards him and noticed he had a towel wrapped around his waist. That was when I dared to raise my eyes and return his gaze. He was back to being his perfect-looking gorgeous self, but the aura of cruel darkness still lurked around him. He parted his lips like he wanted to say something, but then he froze for a moment, looked away and headed towards the walk-in closet.

The situation was entirely awkward and I hoped he would go away soon. He came back all suited up and walked towards the dresser to take one of his expensive watches from the drawer. Then he walked out of the room, without so much as glancing at me. It was clear that he had regained his controlled and arrogant composure, which was a very bad omen.

I bent my knees and wrapped my arms around them as grief washed over me. I was in too deep, trapped in a world I didn’t belong in, and I wanted out. I was too messed up to follow up on his mind games. The hope that I could get away from the mess I was in, without him damaging me further, started fading away. I couldn’t stay, but I also couldn’t go. I was stuck in the dark limbo, utterly broken and without any options. My only way out of this hell meant I had to let him use me, humiliate me and then discard of me.

Defeated, I remained in the bed the entire morning. Like a prisoner in a golden cage, I was deeply depressed and unhappy with the way my life had been unfolding. Before marrying Sebastian, I’d had so many plans and dreams and it hurt to know that none of them would ever come true. Whether I liked it or not, I had to accept the fact that my happiness didn’t matter to anyone. My life was just a means to an end, and the sooner I came to terms with that, the better. Still, coming to terms with something like that didn’t make it any less painful.

Surrounded by the devastating silence, I closed my eyes and just sat there, barely breathing, letting the time pass by. I went downstairs only once—to get something to eat—and I returned to the room once I was done. For the first time in my life, I had spent an entire day in bed, watching television and thinking about trivial things that had nothing to do with my sad existence. I needed that distraction, because living in constant fear and dreading my own husband, was going to drive me crazy.

***

In the evening, I took a quick shower, turned off the lights and went to bed, determined not to be nervous about the moment he would enter the room, but to no avail, because sleep wouldn’t come. He startled me when he opened the door and came inside. The look in his green eyes was menacing and his face held a hostile expression. That gentle side of him that he’d shown me the night before had completely vanished. He undid the buttons on the cuffs of his shirt and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows as he came closer. His demeanor was unyielding, with the presence of cruel dominance that sent chills down my spine. He knelt to my level and gazed at my eyes which were wide open and filled with terror. Moments passed by and he didn’t do anything besides stare at me diligently. The expression on his face resembled a ticking time bomb which could explode at any given moment. When he moved his hand slightly and I flinched, he exhaled in anger like it was the last straw that pushed him to act.

“Get up,” he said in a flat voice.

I looked up at him in confusion, but didn’t move from the bed.

“I said. Get. Up.”

I hadn’t heard that menacing voice since the night he had hurt me. I froze, but complied. Slowly, I removed the covers and started getting up until I stood right in front of him, quivering from the mortifying fear that took over me. I remembered how he’d told me he didn’t want me to be afraid. Those were cruel lies. He wanted me to be terrified; otherwise he wouldn’t have been so intimidating. My eyes were focused on the floor when he leaned closer to me and his lips brushed my ear.

“Stop trembling.”

He tried to make me look at him, but I was determined to avoid his eyes which were filled with an emotion I couldn’t interpret.

“Look at me,” he said in a commanding voice. I jumped from fear, but I finally allowed him to raise my chin and make me look into his eyes. “I want you to calm down. I want you to stop avoiding my touch,” he whispered, taking my hand and practically pulled me towards him.

I felt I was about to hyperventilate and stumbled back, wanting to get as far away as possible, but Sebastian held me back and pulled me into a light embrace. To say that his behavior perplexed me would be an understatement. With unbelievable arrogance and conceit, he thought he could simply order me not to be afraid of him, but still, now he held me in his embrace even though he was upset by my fearful reaction. We were so close to each other and I just couldn’t get a hold of myself. He stared at me, his eyes filled with revealing mysterious intent that uncovered a small fracture of his guarded state of mind.

“Stop running away from me. I’m not going to hurt you,” he said decisively.

You already have!
My mind screamed at him, but I would never have dared to say those words aloud, fearing his retaliation
.

“Don’t say that.” I didn’t want to believe in the promises he wouldn’t keep. I didn’t want to trust him.

“Why? Do you want me to hurt you? Is it easier for you that way?” he asked curiously.

“N-No.” I cowered away from him again and he looked at me with hostility, showing how much my fear annoyed him.

His eyes traveled through my body from head to toe. I looked down again, but he wanted me to look straight into his eyes so he lifted my face and as he did so, I stubbornly kept my eyes shut. 

“I think that’s exactly what you want. Maybe I should grant your wish, huh? It would certainly liberate us from this hell we’re trapped in.” He gazed at me with annoyance as I shook my head, staring at the hardwood floor and then he continued speaking, almost like he tried to amend for his prior words. “It’s what you expect, isn’t it? Open your eyes,” he ordered in a cold voice.

I waited for a few seconds before uncovering my watering eyes that were filled with panic and sadness. The moment I looked at him, tears spilled down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop them from falling, even though I tried my best to stay calm. Shivers ran through me while his dark stare slowly fell from my eyelids all the way down to the edge of my face, following the path of my tears. Wanting to preserve the silence that ruled the space around us, I didn’t make a single sound. As he remained focused on the damp wetness that spread into a puddle on my cheeks, his face changed from being expressionless and dark into something different, something I didn’t understand.

He was absolutely right. I expected him to hurt me. I feared it for days and I was sick and tired of living a life filled with the constant tension and fear. I wanted it to stop. Feeling the surrender building in my system brought about the strange sense of peace. With trembling hands and blushing cheeks, I slowly untied the lace on my nightgown and lowered the straps on my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground. I noticed he was shocked by my action but he didn’t react on it.

“Liberate me from this hell then. Do your worse.” My voice was shaky, but filled with defiant pride.

Contemplating on the fact that he had won, I waited for his reaction. I expected some kind of a display of emotion, but he remained cold. The intense crystal glow reflecting in his stare was the only thing that betrayed his emotions. 

 As I trembled and covered myself with my arms, I hesitated for a moment, wondering what on earth I was doing. His dark eyes were boring into me as I tried to fight the realization of what would happen. When I finally decided to ignore the screaming voice in my head, I turned towards the bed and lay down on my belly. Just like on our wedding night, I shook, like a pathetic, frightened doe. The flashbacks of his brutality returned and all of the courage drained out of me. I heard him move and my entire being went rigid. His steps echoed through the room and by the time I counted to three, he stood right above the bed. I expected him to take his clothes off, but instead of doing that, he knelt down to my level again. My head was buried in the pillow and I felt his stare lingering on my frightened body. I was in complete panic mode, shaking and weeping like he would kill me—not have sex with me. His hand landed on my back and I jerked so hard from the touch, that my body rose up from the bed as I screamed from the sickening fear.

“That’s enough.” I heard his low voice and if I didn’t know better I would have sworn it rang with worry.

At this point, I was inconsolable. I expected him to violate me but he had barely touched me and I was already a trembling mess of nerves. When his arms reached towards me, I stopped breathing and my body turned to stone. I heard the buzzing in my ears and shock took hold of me as he pulled the blanket over my exposed body. Then he climbed onto the bed and picked me up into his arms with the sheet wrapped around me. I was convulsing against his chest, hysterically crying and waiting for him to do something, but he just calmly held me in his embrace.

“Please, just...” I whispered numbly, taunting the devil and fighting the urge to start screaming at him.

Something in him tensed up and he held me by my shoulders before abruptly pushing me away from him. Then he stared at me, almost pleading, like he needed something from me. And as I stared back at him, I could tell he was in pain—we both were.

“I won’t. Not against your will, Isabelle.” He was the one to look away this time. “I...” He swallowed hard as he spoke in a shaky voice, startling me with his bare honesty. “I can’t.”

A taunting memory came back to haunt me. 
You can and you will.
 Those were his exact words when 
I
 told him I couldn’t and begged him to stop that night. 

“It’s too late to say you can’t w-when...” I shook my head as my voice choked on the heavy lump of sadness that formed in my throat. “You already took it all.”

The grip of his hands on my shoulders tightened and his eyes snapped open, driven by a forceful emotion I never thought he would let me see. Leaning closer to me, he claimed the space between us, breaking the barrier I’d wanted to keep. His fingers slid down my face before he pulled me back in his embrace and my entire being started shivering, rejecting his closeness.

“Be at ease,” he tried to soothe me, “I don’t want to cause you more harm,” he whispered, pressing me so close against his chest that I couldn’t move anywhere.

I tried to get away, but restraining my already weakened body against his strong, tense muscles wasn’t even mildly challenging for him, so eventually I gave up fighting. I stilled and started crying on his tense chest. When he sensed my surrender, he pulled me even closer and then, to my absolute astonishment, he stroked my hair as if nothing had happened.

“What am I going to do with you, Isabelle?” he said in a voice so soft I barely heard him, and it made me cry even harder.