Virtue & Vanity (24 page)

***

After numerous speeches about cancer, I was appalled that most of the people weren’t courteous enough to pay at least a bit attention to them. It seemed as though nobody came there because they cared about the cause.

It had occurred to me that half of them probably didn’t even know what the fundraiser was about. I was relieved when Sebastian donated a large sum of money and told me that we were leaving.

The driver was already waiting for us when we left the building and I was relieved to see that the most of the press was gone. I reached for the handle, but Sebastian gently brushed his palm against my hand and opened the door for me. It would be an understatement to say I was surprised by his action. He never ceased to shock me, because he was capable of doing such a gesture while his mood was so dark and cold. The proof of that was that he didn’t pay any attention to me when we got into the car. With an earnest expression, he looked out the window and gaped at the glowing streets of Las Vegas. Although it was unlike him to act this way, it didn’t bother me at all. If anything, I was happy I could have a moment of peace. Since I didn’t get much sleep the night before, I tried to stay awake. I didn’t want to fall asleep in the car, but I was fighting a losing battle. Before I knew it, my mind drifted into distant dreams.

At first, there was nothing but the frightening darkness before my eyes, but slowly, the music emerged from the background and I tensed up when I recognized the lyrics of the song. 
'Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life.’
 I was certain that I was in a moving car and it triggered some of the bad memories. The urge to open my eyes was strong, but I pushed it back because the fear of the unknown had returned to taunt me. The driver suddenly braked and I was startled from my dream.

I woke up confused, realizing that I’d fallen asleep during our short ride to the hotel. When I looked up, I noticed Sebastian’s eyes were boring into me. For several moments, his gaze remained frozen on me so much that he didn’t even blink during that time. The discomfort caused by his undecipherable stare made me nervous and he looked away when my breathing became unbearably harsh. When the car pulled up in front of the hotel, he repeated his earlier gesture and waited for me to get out as well. Normally, I would always have to follow him and catch up with his rapid pace, so this sudden change of behavior left me somewhat confused. Then, just like in front of the building where the fundraiser was held, he placed his hand on the small of my back and led me inside the hotel. I was convinced that he’d done it for show earlier, but the reason behind his repeated gesture was fathomless to me now. Even when we entered the elevator, his hand remained lingering on my lower back and at one moment I felt him tighten his touch on me—a direct display of emotion. An electric shiver ran through my body when his grip became stronger and I flinched a little. I regretted it right away, when I saw that another layer of darkness settled in his already bleak eyes.

He removed his hand from my back when we reached the door to our room, because he had to look for the card to unlock it. As usual, when the door opened, he patiently waited for me to go in first. I took a few steps inside, aware that his eyes were boring into my back, and in a reckless attempt to storm into the room, I tripped in my high heels. Sebastian tried to stop me from falling, but it was too late and I ended up on the floor. He held his hand out to me and I silently cursed at myself for being so clumsy and for having no other choice but to accept his helping hand. As my palm settled into his with noticeable reluctance, he carefully lifted me up and my back ended up being pressed against the wall.

“Are you okay?” he whispered and it seemed as though his darkness from moments ago had completely subsided.

I nodded and then cautiously looked up at him. As our eyes met for a split second, his lips landed on mine before I got a chance to process what was about to happen. I was startled and my body started shaking all over while his lips patiently brushed against my mouth. His eyes met my surprised gaze and pierced into me while we were bathing in semi-darkness. At first, my lips only trembled against his as he kissed them gently, almost innocently, like he could sense my panic. Then, he slowly started parting them with his tongue and they opened for him without hesitation, even though my mind told me that I should stop him. The moment his tongue gained entrance, his fingers slid between mine and his eyes closed as he tenderly deepened the kiss. With each moment, my panic lessened until it was completely gone and I gave in to his skilful lips, allowing him to consume this last part of me that I naively thought I could keep for myself. My body relaxed against his, while his tongue started softly massaging mine and the feeling of pleasure settled in together with the unnerving guilt. The hand he was holding me with pressed even harder against my palm, whereas his other hand ended up on my head and his fingers twisted through the strands of my hair. I was entirely overwhelmed, enjoying this passionate moment between us and letting him tear down my usually guarded walls. The reassuring tenderness of his kiss made me close my eyes and I heard myself moan into his mouth. The heat rose up to my cheeks as he started touching me with more passion and I felt that fluttering feeling again, only this time it traveled all the way down until it reached its peak between my legs. I started breathing loudly because I couldn’t believe that his hands were nowhere near that area and I could get that aroused only from his kiss. A part of me liked this newfound pleasure and I saw how easily I could give in to him. At the same time, my subconscious was overloaded with the signs of warning produced by the images I fought to suppress in the back of my mind. There wasn’t anything demanding or forceful about his kiss, but I could tell his breathing became harsh and his restrained excitement gleamed from his eyes. I tried to focus on his tender caresses, but then his erection brushed against my upper thigh and just like that, the magic was over. I froze and let out a frightened moan that broke our kiss momentarily. His eyes flew open as he stepped away from me and we just stared at each other, trying to get our breathing back to normal.

“Isabelle,” he whispered my name as his hand reached towards me and I cowered from his touch.

Confusion swept over his face while he glared at me incredulously. I looked away, breaking the gaze between us and my hands instinctively wrapped around my middle. He could tell I was back in my protective mode and he didn’t make another attempt at touching me.

Suddenly, the realization of what had just happened between us hit me with the strength of an explosion. In a way, it felt like my head and my heart were fighting each other in a harsh battle that would end in madness. It felt like the tables had turned and from that moment I knew that I should fear myself more than I should fear him.

Whereas his breathing and posture returned to normal after brief seconds, my breathing was still rapid and shallow. No matter how hard I tried to compose myself, I couldn’t calm down when he was only inches away, staring at me intently. I turned around and hurried towards the balcony door, hoping that he wouldn’t follow after me.

The first thing I did when I got outside was inhale a big chunk of fresh air. That was when I became aware that he had just given me my first kiss that had managed to turn me upside down and evoke such powerful emotions. Deep down, I knew how dangerous those emotions were and I felt ashamed for giving in to the touch of the one man I should stay away from. Pain threatened to return as I remembered all of the harsh things he had said and done to me. Then again, there were his compassionate caresses, words of consolation and now that kiss that had left me completely bewildered. I knew that the constant interchanging between his cold cruelty and compassion would eventually manage to creep up against my guarded defense and my vulnerability made me scared to death.

“Why did you run away?” His low voice startled me.

My mind had drifted away and I hadn’t even realized that he was standing behind me. I wondered how long he had been there. He touched my shoulder and I swiftly turned to face him, but I couldn’t look him in the eyes. He tried to make eye contact, but I resisted his demand.

“Please, look at me,” he said in a hoarse voice.

I turned my head away from him, but he didn’t try to force me look at him anymore. He just gazed at me like he wanted to give me space to decide what to do.

“I can’t look at you,” I said so quietly that I thought he couldn’t have possibly heard me.

He exhaled harshly and took one step closer. I didn’t step back, but my body started to quiver because it was threatened by his closeness again.

“Isabelle, there was nothing wrong with that kiss,” he whispered decisively.

“Then why does it feel so wrong?” I finally looked at him with pure desperation glaring from my watering eyes.

“It feels wrong because you think I had the wrong intentions. Like...” He closed his eyes before finishing his sentence. “Like that night when I made the biggest mistake of my life.” I winced at the remembrance caused by his words. “I know. I know, Isabelle,” he said in a soft, guilt-filled voice. “I’m a terrible man and I deserve to rot in hell for the pain I’ve caused you.” He looked at me with a pained expression on his face and suddenly the ground beneath my feet trembled.

This couldn’t be happening.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

His humbleness as well as his regretful admission caught me off guard. I remembered his cruel words when I’d begged him to stop that night. He had told me that he had rights and I had obligations as his wife. He had threatened that nothing in the universe would save me from obliging to his wishes because he owned me and he could do whatever he wanted with me. Then my mother’s words crept into my mind as well and the cruel feeling of defeat returned, together with the memory of her warning voice, repeating a message that a wife shouldn’t deny her husband, especially on her wedding night.

“It was your right.” I shrugged and bravely repeated the sentence that crossed both his and my mother’s lips.

He looked at me with painful shock written all over his face. “No, Isabelle!” He shook his head. “What I’ve done was wrong on so many levels. I had no right.” His voice cracked a little and he closed his eyes for a few moments. When he opened them again, they glowed at me like shiny green jewels that were filled with pain. “A man has to earn a woman’s trust before sharing that kind of intimacy with her. I broke that trust before I even got a chance to earn it and I regret it deeply.” Honesty rang from his now composed voice and his admission astonished me.

Unshed tears filled my eyes and he looked at me like I would break if he dared to touch me.

“Don’t. Please don’t shed tears anymore. I know I hurt you with so much cruelty, but...” He paused and then said softly. “Tonight, and for a long time already, my intentions have been very different, Isabelle. Hurting you is the last thing on my mind.”

“Sebastian, I...” I was in shock and I didn’t know what to say.

“I know I’m asking for a lot, but please, try to forget about that black night that happened between us.” He looked at me with what seemed to be sheer desperation as he came undone before me. 

“My life was filled with black nights,” I replied sincerely, “but that night was the darkest of them all and I can’t forget.” I was at the verge of crying as I whispered into thin air.

For a moment I feared that he would be angered by my reply, but he seemed to have accepted it calmly. “I don’t expect you to forget this very moment. I know that it will take time; a lot of time. I wish I had a magic wand so I can take it all away, but I can’t. All I can offer you is my unconditional support and sincere apology. 
I’m sorry. Please, forgive me!
”

I started shivering as he said the exact words I’d longed to hear for so long, but they didn’t take away even the fraction of the pain. When I looked at him and saw the undeniable proof of the genuine regret that I never thought I’d see in his eyes, I broke down.

“Please, don’t ask my forgiveness.” My lips were quivering. “Don’t ask me to forget. It’s too late, I...” I closed my eyes and choked back the words. 
I will never heal.

“It’s not too late, Isabelle. We can fix this. No matter what you think, you’re not broken beyond repair. You’re hurting, but you will get better!” He said decisively and then his voice became velvety soft. “I don’t care what it takes, but I will make it better.”

I desperately wanted to hold onto something that made sense, something that was familiar and could distract my mind from getting caught up in his mesmerizing words.

“Sebastian, we can’t fix something that was destined to fail from the very beginning. The only reason we got married is so that we could get divorced and that’s exactly what you’re trying...”

“No,” he interrupted me, then gently ran both of his hands through my hair and made me face his captivating emerald gaze. “Forget about that contract. I don’t want to divorce you. I want—” He stopped talking like he was afraid to say what he was about to say. “I want to give our marriage a chance.” His soothing voice tried to convince me in the sincerity of his words.

It took me a while to compose myself and make out if I was hallucinating or if he had actually said what I had just heard him say. Trying to imagine what our marriage would be like if we tried to fix it had only managed to deepen my despair and I stared at him with a visible dose of disbelief and mistrust before finally pushing myself to say something.

“In a normal marriage a husband and wife should...” I was mortified by the thought. “And I c-can’t.”

He looked at me with understanding and compassion, melting the walls of my wariness with his warm gaze.

“In a normal marriage a husband and wife should respect and care for each other.” He tried to reassure me in a mild voice. “There are no expectations, Isabelle. The pace I want us to take will be really slow and I promise I won’t pressure you with anything—least of all sex,” he said without the slightest trace of hesitation.

“Why should I trust you?” I meant to say it firmly, but the words came out in a broken whisper.

“You probably shouldn’t,” he said in defeat and looked at me with the shiny eyes that would be my doom. “But you’ve told me once that you believe that everyone deserves a second chance and now, I’m asking for mine. I know I don’t have the right to ask, but I need to fix the damage that I’ve caused. Please, let me earn your trust.”

“And how do you intend to do that? How can we trust each other after everything that happened?” I dragged out the words in a small voice.

“I don’t know if we could, but I really want us to try. Not just because I want to make it up to you. Isabelle I...” He laid my palm against his chest and his heart was beating in a fast rhythm just like the night before when he had repeatedly told me he cared. “I can’t get you out of my mind.” 

Why on earth would he say something like that?

Caught in wonder, I drew in a sharp breath because I didn’t want to believe that I meant something to him. He was Sebastian Everett, the heir to a multi-million dollar empire. He didn’t do feelings and certainly not with someone like me.

“Why would you do this? Why, when you could take so easily what you’ve taken once before?” I timidly asked the obvious.

“Isabelle, I don’t 
ever 
want to take from you again.” He took hold of my hand and brushed his thumb against my knuckles; his touch spreading softness along my skin like it was made of cashmere. An emotion, a feeling—something—was there, lurking in the air that was shared between us. Our breaths collided as both of us wanted to say something at the same time and he took the chance to precede me. “I want to give you the world. All the things I’ve never wanted to share with any other woman; I want to share it with you.” The glare in his eyes was so powerful like it could move mountains. 
”You,” 
he repeated with confidence.

I was flabbergasted by his answer and I looked away towards the gleaming lights of the city. Ironically, I dreamed of hearing those sweet promises from a man one day—any other man except him. As much as I tried to tell myself that I was immune to his words, I couldn’t escape the frightening truth that began to reveal itself in my heart.

“There are times when you make me forget for a moment and I think... I think you must be that man because you make me feel things I’ve never felt before. But then I remember. I always remember and it’s never enough to make me forget. It’s never enough to make me trust you.” The frightening confession I made eventually settled in my mind and I was hit by the bitter realization. “Sometimes I wish that 
you
 weren’t the one who caused this pain,” I said numbly, denying myself the privilege to feel broken and sad.

As I poured out my heart to him for the first time, I could feel his body tense with each word I was saying. He stood right behind me and it seemed we were worlds apart, trapped in our mesmerized thoughts, analyzing this dysfunctional marriage we were trapped in. His hand lightly brushed against my shoulder before he whispered the words that would change everything between us.

“You don’t need to remind me how much I’ve wronged you. It’s something I wake up and go to sleep with every day. And it hurts to look at you,” he let out a shaky breath, “because I know that I’m the one who robbed you of your dreams. I’m the one who hurt you.” I couldn’t hold it in anymore and tears spilled from my eyes. He gently pulled my shoulder, willing me to turn around and when I did, he stared at me like he was hurt by the fact that I was crying. Placing a light kiss on my forehead, he traced the wet stream coming from my eyes and looked at me hauntingly. “I’m the one who brought tears to these beautiful eyes.” He swallowed hard and uncovered his pleading stare. “Please, let me take them away.”

I’ve lost count of how many times he had said 
please
 in the course of the night. In all honesty, I thought I would see the day when purple snow would cover the streets, but not the day I heard Sebastian Everett said 
please
.

His wide eyes looked at me expectantly as my mind was being attacked by the mingled storm of good and bad memories. The feeling of helplessness rushed through me as I wondered why it had to be like this. 
Why couldn’t he have been this man from the very beginning?

“When I begged you to spare me, you were unaffected by my tears,” I said in a sad whisper and made myself look at him. “You’re asking for a second chance, when you never even gave me one.”

He looked away again and I was flabbergasted by his inability to look me in the eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Isabelle.” His voice was shaking. “Even if I was blessed with a miracle and you found it in your heart to forgive me, I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you.”

My eyes flew to his in a split second and he looked at me with undeniable desperation, like he was tormented by the memories as well. I never thought I would see him like that.

To think there was a heart under those layers of cold darkness and arrogance. To think that he was hurting as well was too abstract for me to comprehend. Something heavy pressed on my chest and I started thinking about all of the events that consequently led us towards this moment and it was a hard pill to swallow. I wanted to hold back my sadness and be strong, but the tears continued falling on their own. In a burning need to find shelter, I buried my head deep into his shirt and fought not to make a sound because I didn’t want him to see me cry. I was tired of being weak and feeling trapped. His arms tensed around me and I knew he was aware that I was crying. I couldn’t hide from him. He knew; he always knew what was going through my mind. He took a step back from me and I looked away, ashamed of my tears. He cupped my chin and for the longest time ever, stared at my tear–stained face.

“I shattered you and I will put you back together, piece by piece.” I got lost in the sound of his soothing voice as he gently pulled me back in his arms and lowered us to the large seat on the balcony. “Shh.” He laid his finger on my lips when I let out a small sob. “Let me take away the tears. Let me take away the pain,” he said with such powerful reassurance that I immediately stilled in his arms and the summer breeze carried his pleading voice in my direction. “Let me be that man.”

All of my energy was gone and I was drained, but that last sentence kept echoing in my mind. His hand softly circled along my head, trying to ease the tension. The storm was over, and now, the only thing left was the aching silence. Sebastian leaned his head on mine and then whispered to me.

“I can’t go back, but if I could...” He swallowed. “I’d hold you in my arms.” He wrapped his arms even tighter around me and took a long break while I kept crying because the memories were tearing me apart. “And I’d wipe away your tears.” His thumb removed the fresh teardrops that appeared in my eyes. “I would rest your head on my chest,” he said as he leaned my head right under his fast-beating heart. “And I would whisper in your ears.” His voice became silky soft, almost inaudible. “I would tell you there is no need to be afraid because I would never hurt an angel.”

When I heard him say that, my eyelids slowly lifted up until they were half open. As I stared into the night skyline, I drifted back to the memory of the darkest of all nights. I was stuck with the image of pitch blackness which was filled with pain and cold despair. There hadn’t been a single star gracing the horizon when I searched for the comfort of their light. But tonight, the sky was filled with millions of stars and they were spreading around the blackness like shining glitter. I remembered the words of the woman I met in the city. 
Things are not as bad as you think.

“There are so many stars in the sky,” I said in a quiet, broken voice.

Sebastian didn’t say a thing. His only response was a small kiss on my temple. He didn’t know what was going through my mind. He couldn’t see the memories that were stuck with me. He couldn’t feel my pain, but... 
Maybe... Maybe he could help me?

In a sudden need to seek his solace, my head collapsed on his chest and I closed my eyes, focusing on the rhythm of his breathing. My body rose together with his chest every time he inhaled and eventually I relaxed against him. One more time, my tired eyes darted towards the night sky and I was still struck by the stardust that was sprinkled all over the dark clouds. 

“I’ve never seen... so many... stars.” I exhaled and drifted away to sleep.