Volpone and Other Plays (53 page)

QUARLOUS
: No, we' ll kiss again, and
fall in
.

LITTLEWIT
: Yes, do, good Win.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: I' faith you are a fool, John.

50 
LITTLEWIT
: A fool-John she calls me, do you mark that, gentlemen? Pretty littlewit of velvet! A fool-John!

QUARLOUS
: She may call you an
apple-John
, if you use this.

WINWIFE
: Pray thee forbear, for my respect somewhat.

QUARLOUS
: Hoy-day! How
respective
you are become o' the sudden! I fear this family will turn you reformed too; pray you
come about
again. Because she is in possibility to be your daughter-in-law, and may ask your blessing hereafter, when she courts it to Tottenham to eat cream – well, I will forbear, sir; but i' faith, would thou wouldst leave thy exercise of widow-hunting

60       once, this
drawing after
an old reverend smock by the splay-foot! There cannot be an ancient
tripe or trillibub
i' the town, but thou art straight nosing it; and 'tis a fine occupation
thou' lt confine thyself to, when thou hast got one – scrubbing a piece of
buff
, as if thou hadst the perpetuity of Pannyer Alley to stink in; or perhaps, worse, currying a carcass that thou hast bound thyself to alive. I' ll be sworn, some of them, that thou art or hast been a suitor to, are so old as no chaste or married pleasure can ever become ' em. The honest instrument of procreation has, forty years since, left to belong to ' em. Thou must visit ' em as thou wouldst do a tomb, with a torch, or three

70      handfuls of link, flaming hot, and so thou mayst hap to make ' em feel thee, and after, come to inherit according to thy inches. A sweet course for a man to waste the brand of life for, to be still raking himself a fortune in an old woman's embers; we shall ha' thee, after thou hast been but a month married to one of ' em, look like the
quartan
ague and the black jaundice met in a face, and walk as if thou hadst borrowed legs of a
spinner
, and voice of a cricket. I would endure to hear fifteen sermons a week
' fore
her, and such coarse and loud ones as some of ' em must be; I would e' en desire of Fate I might dwell in a drum,

80      and take in my sustenance with an old broken tobacco-pipe and a straw. Dost thou ever think to bring thine ears or stomach to the patience of a dry grace as long as thy tablecloth, and droned out by thy son here, that might be thy father, till all the meat o' thy board has forgot it was that day i' the kitchen? Or to brook the noise made in a question of predestination, by the good labourers and painful eaters assembled together, put to ' em by the matron, your spouse, who
moderates
with a cup of wine, ever and anon, and a
sentence
out of Knox between? Or the perpetual spitting, before and after a sober drawn exhortation

90      of six hours, whose better part was the hum-ha-hum? Or to hear prayers groaned out over thy iron-chests, as if they were
charms to break ' em? And all this, for the hope of two
apostle-spoons
, to suffer! And a cup to eat a
caudle
in! For that will be thy legacy. She' ll ha'
conveyed
her state, safe enougn from thee, an' she be a right widow.

WINWIFE
: Alas, I am quite off that scent now.

QUARLOUS
: How so?

WINWIFE
: Put off by a brother of Banbury, one that, they say, is

100      come here and governs all, already.

QUARLOUS
: What do you call him? I knew divers of those Banburians when I was in Oxford.

WINWIFE
: Master Littlewit can tell us.

LITTLEWIT
: Sir! Good Win, go in, and if Master Barthol' mew Cokes's man come for the licence (the little old fellow), let him speak with me.

[
Exit
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

What say you, gentlemen?

WINWIFE
: What call you the reverend elder you told me of, your Banbury man?

110 LITTLEWIT
: Rabbi Busy, sir. He is more than an elder, he is a prophet, sir.

QUARLOUS
: O, I know him! A baker, is he not?

LITTLEWIT
: He was a baker, sir, but he does dream now, and see visions; he has given over his trade.

QUARLOUS
: I remember that, too – out of a scruple he took, that (in
spiced
conscience) those cakes he made were served to
bridals
, may-poles,
morrises
, and such profane feasts and meetings. His Christian name is Zeal-of-the-Land.

LITTLEWIT
: Yes, sir, Zeal-of-the-Land Busy.

120 WINWIFE
: How, what a name's there!

LITTLEWIT
: O, they have all such names, sir. He was witness for Win here (they will not be called godfathers), and named her
Win-the-Fight. You thought her name had been Winifred, did you not?

WINWIFE
: I did indeed.

LITTLEWIT
: He would ha' thought himself a stark reprobate, if it had.

QUARLOUS
: Ay, for there was a
blue-starch-woman
o' the name, at the same time. A notable hypocritical vermin it is; I know him. One that stands upon his face more than his faith, at all

130      times; ever in seditious motion, and reproving for vain-glory; of a most lunatic conscience and spleen, and affects the violence of singularity in all he does. (He has undone a grocer here, in Newgate-market, that broke with him, trusted him with currants, as arrant a zeal as he, that's by the way.) By his
profession
he will ever be i' the state of innocence, though, and childhood; derides all antiquity; defies any other learning than inspiration; and what discretion soever years should afford him, it is all
prevented
in his original ignorance. Ha' not to do with him; for he is a fellow of a most arrogant and invincible dullness, I assure

140      you. Who is this?

i,iv                [
Re-enter
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
with
HUMPHREY WASP
.]

[
WASP
:] By your leave, gentlemen, with all my heart to you, and
God you
good morrow. Master Littlewit, my business is to you. Is this licence ready?

LITTLEWIT
: Here, I ha' it for you in my hand, Master Humphrey.

WASP
: That's well Nay, never open or read it to me; it's labour in vain, you know. I am no
clerk
, I scorn to be
saved by my book
, i' faith I' ll hang first. Fold it up o' your word and gi' it me. What must you ha' for't?

LITTLEWIT
: We' ll talk of that anon, Master Humphrey.

WASP
: Now, or not at all good Master Proctor; I am for no

10      anons, I assure you.

LITTLEWIT
: Sweet Win, bid Solomon send me the little black box within, in my study.

WASP
: Ay, quickly, good mistress, I pray you; for I have both eggs o' the spit, and iron i' the fire. Say what you must have, good Master Littlewit.

[
Exit
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
.]

LITTLEWIT
: Why, you know the price, Master
Numps
.

WASP
: I know? I know nothing, I. What tell you me of knowing? Now I am in haste, sir, I do not know, and I will not know, and I scorn to know,

20      and yet (now I think on't) I will and do know as well as another; you must have a
mark
for your thing here, and eightpence for the box. I could ha' saved twopence i' that, an' I had bought it myself, but here's fourteen shillings for you. Good Lord, how long your little wife stays! Pray God, Solomon, your clerk, be not looking i' the wrong box, Master Proctor.

LITTLEWIT
: Good i' faith! No. I warrant you, Solomon is wiser than so, sir.

WASP
: Fie, fie, fie, by your leave, Master Littlewit, this is scurvy,

30      idle, foolish, and abominable; with all my heart, I do not like it.

WINWIFE
: Do you hear? Jack Littlewit, what business does thy pretty head think this fellow may have, that he
keeps such a coil
with?

QUARLOUS
: More than buying of gingerbread i' the Cloister, here (for that we allow him), or a gilt pouch i' the Fair?

LITTLEWIT
: Master Quarlous, do not mistake him. He is hismaster's
both-hands
, I assure you.

QUARLOUS
: What? to pull on his boots, a mornings, or his stockings, does he?

40 
LITTLEWIT
: Sir, if you have a mind to mock him, mock him softly, and look t' other way; for if he apprehend you flout him once, he will fly at you presently. A terrible testy old fellow, and his name is Wasp too.

QUARLOUS
: Pretty insect! make much on him.

WASP
: A plague o' this box, and the pox too, and on him that made it, and her that went for't, and all that should ha' sought it, sent it, or brought it! Do you see, sir?

LITTLEWIT
: Nay, good Master Wasp.

WASP
: Good Master Hornet,
turd i' your teeth
, hold you your tongue! Do not I know you? Your father was a ' pothecary, and

50    sold
glisters
, more than he gave,
I wusse
. And turd i' your little wife's teeth too – here she comes – 'twill make her spit, as fine as she is, for all her
velvet-custard
on her head, sir.

[
Re-enter
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
with the box
.]

LITTLEWIT
: O! be civil, Master Numps.

WASP
: Why, Say I have a humour not to be civil; how then? Who shall compel me? You?

LITTLEWIT
: Here is the box now.

WASP
: Why a pox o' your box, once again. Let your little wife
stale
in it, an' she will. Sir, I would have you to understand, and these gentlemen too, if they please –

60 
WINWIFE
: With all our hearts, sir.

WASP
: That I have a charge, gentlemen.

LITTLEWIT
: They do apprehend, sir.

WASP
: Pardon me, sir, neither they nor you can apprehend me yet. (You are an ass.) I have a young master, he is now upon his making and marring; the whole care of his well-doing is now mine. His foolish schoolmasters have done nothing but run up and down the country with him to beg
puddings
and cake-bread of his tenants, and almost spoiled him; he has learned nothing but to sing catches and repeat

70      ‘Rattle bladder rattle' and ‘O Madge'. I dare not let him walk alone for fear of learning of vile tunes, which he will sing at supper and in the sermontimes! If he meet but a
carman
i' the street, and
I find him not
talk to keep him off on him, he will whistle him and all his tunes over at night in his sleep! He has a head full of
bees
! I am fain now, for this little time I am absent, to leave him in charge with a gentlewoman. 'Tis true, she is a Justice of Peace's wife, and a gentlewoman o' the
hood
, and his natural sister; but what may happen under a woman's government, there's the doubt.

80      Gentlemen, you do not know him. He is another manner of piece than you think for – but nineteen year old, and yet he is taller than either of you, by the head, God bless him.

QUARLOUS
: Well, methinks this is a fine fellow!

WINWIFE
: He has made his master a finer by this description, I should think.

QUARLOUS
: ‘Faith, much about one; it's
cross and pile
whether, for a new farthing.

WASP
: I' ll tell you, gentlemen –

LITTLEWIT
: Will't please you drink, Master Wasp?

90 
WASP
: Why, I ha' not talked so long to be dry, sir. You see no dust or cobwebs come out o' my mouth, do you? You' d ha' me gone, would you?

LITTLEWIT
: No, but you were in haste e' en now, Master Numps.

WASP
: What an' I were? So I am still, And Yet I will stay, too. Meddle you with your match, your Win, there; she has as little wit as her husband, it seems. I have others to talk to.

LITTLEWIT
: She's match indeed, and as litle wit as I, good!

WASP
: We ha' been but a day and a half in town, gentlemen, 'tis true; and yesterday i' the afternoon we walked London to show

100      the City to the gentlewoman he shall marry, Mistress Grace; but afore I will endure such another half day with him I' ll be drawn with a good
gib-cat
through the great pond at home, as his Uncle Hodge was! Why, we could not meet that heathen thing all day, but stayed him. He would name you all the signs over, as he went, aloud; and where he spied a parrot or a monkey, there he was pitched with all the
litle long-coats
about

       
him! I thought he would ha' run mad o' the black boy in Bucklersbury that takes the scurvy, roguy tobacco there.

LITTLEWIT
: You say true, Master Numps; there's such a one indeed.

110 
WASP
: It's no matter whether there be or no. What's that to you?

QUARLOUS
: He will not allow of John's
reading
at any hand.

I, v              [
Enter
BARTHOLOMEW COKES, MISTRESS OVERDO,
and
GRACE WELLBORN.]