Waking Up (25 page)

Breakfast goes on.  We talk about funny things that have happened to him on set and in public.  Crazy things people think they can do simply because he’s famous.  He seems so relaxed when we talk, so open.  I expected something so different than this down to earth guy who’s sitting across the table from me.

I tell him some of the antics my siblings and I played on our parents over the years and bask in the sound of his laughter.  Let it roll over me.  The sound vibrates through my body, starting at my toes and working its way up.  Warmth crawling through me.

As much as I’m enjoying our breakfast, I don’t want it to end.  Tucker hasn’t said if he’s going to stay or leave.  Dread fills me as I think of facing the thought of saying goodbye to him.

It shouldn’t matter.  I barely know him.  In my head, I know that.  But my heart… my heart feels confused between the love it feels for the man I’ve loved my whole life and this man I want to know sitting across from me.  

Do I want to know him?  What is it I’m looking for?  Why do I want Tucker to stay?

“Penny for your thoughts,” Tucker’s sexy voice breaks through my thoughts and I look straight into his eyes.  Get lost in the storm brewing there.  What thoughts were rolling around in his head while I was lost in mine?

Answering him as honestly as I can, I say, “I was thinking about saying goodbye to you.”  I hear the sadness in my voice and hope that he doesn’t.  I don’t want to guilt him into staying, but I don’t want him to leave either.  I don’t want Alex hurt either.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t think of a time in my life I’ve ever been so confused.

“I’m trying to do what’s best for you, Adriana.”  I hear something in his voice that I can’t explain.  A pleading for me to understand, but I don’t.  My friends were fine with him staying after I told them how things were going to be.  Everyone was great with him, accepted him.

What changed while he was outside alone last night?  I’ve replayed our talk over and over and can’t think of anything I said to upset him.  Did one of my friends come back and say something to him?  Would he tell me if they did?

“Tucker,” I say, keeping his gaze and trying to keep my cool.  “I appreciate you wanting to do what’s best for me, but you barely know me.  Shouldn’t you trust me to know what’s best for me?”

The confusion in his eyes fuels my fire.  I feel like I’m gaining ground and I may have found a way to get through to him.

“If I thought you shouldn’t be here then I wouldn’t have asked you to stay. But, I did ask you to stay.  I want you to stay.”  I’m a little breathless.  I can hear it and don’t like it, but it’s too late to change how I sound.  

“Why?”

It’s one word, but there’s so much emotion in it and I’m not sure what he means by it.  He’s staring at me intently.  So much hope and fear I think I see on his face.  I want to hold him.  Tell him I can make him feel better.  But that’s silly.  He would never let me do that.

“Why what, Tucker?”  I’m so confused around him.  I can’t think straight.

“Why do you want me to stay?”  Such a simple question for him to ask, but there are so many answers going through my mind.  I can’t tell him everything going on in my head or he’ll run for the hills.  I’ll appear to him to be another crazy fan and I told him he’s safe here.  He is.  He is safe here.

I want to look away from his penetrating eyes, afraid he’ll see my inappropriate thoughts.  But, I keep my head up, gazing into his eyes.  Those blue eyes that I want to fall into every time he glances my way.

“There’s a couple reasons,” I start, licking my suddenly dry lips.  I notice he watches my mouth and it causes me to ache in my panties all over again.  It’s definitely been too long.

“One.  Tucker, I asked you to stay because I felt like you needed a break.  You needed someone to see that you were hurting and needed some privacy to think.  I wanted to give you the time you needed to have you time.”

I can see he’s about to start arguing with me.  He wants to tell me that he can go anywhere.  I understand that he’s rich and can hop on a plane.  That he has the option to travel the world, but he can’t truly go anywhere and not be pestered.  He can stay in my house, I can run errands for him, and he CAN be left alone.

“I wasn’t finished yet.  Please, let me finish.”  He gives me a small smile.  I’m losing the fight here and my heart feels like it’s breaking.  “At first it was just about helping you, but you being here is helping me, too.”  My voice gets quieter when I say this and I do break eye contact now.  I can’t believe I just admitted that.

He can see my unease.  It’s all over his face.  I see him open and close his mouth a few times, unsure what to say to me.  Damn.  I’m screwing this up.

Voice hardly above a whisper, I try to explain again.  “I… uh… well, I haven’t handled things… um… so great since Alex… um… since Alex died.  I couldn’t even say his name before yesterday.”  I lose my train of thought as he gets up from his chair and walks over to me, kneeling down in front of me.  He takes my hands in his and stares into my eyes again.

“You don’t have to do this, Adriana.  If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”  No, I wasn’t trying to guilt him.  He’s agreeing for the wrong reason.  I need to finish.  Now.

“Tucker, please let me finish.  I don’t want you to stay because you feel guilty.”  I keep looking at him, needing him to see the truth in my eyes.  I’m not one of those women.  The type to manipulate a man into getting what she wants.

“I couldn’t say Alex’s name before yesterday without panicking.  I couldn’t touch people because they weren’t him.”  It isn’t lost on me that he’s still holding my hands and I’m relishing in the heat from his hands.  “But, when you asked me about him, even though it hurt, I was still able to breathe.  I thought before if I talked about him it would crush me.  That I’d stop breathing.  I don’t know why you helped me, Tucker, but you did.”

I can feel the heat in my cheeks.  Know my cheeks are pink.  I’m having a hard time with all I’ve told him.  Admitting my vulnerability.

“Okay.”  That’s all he says.  Him and his one word question and answers.  They always leave me with more questions.  Okay, he understands what I’m trying to say, or okay, he’ll stay?

I’m about to ask when he raises my hands to his mouth and kisses both of them.  My breath hitches and my panties dampen.  How does something so simple make me want to knock him over on the floor, strip him down, and have my way with him right here?  

“You amaze me, Adriana.  You’ve lost so much and yet you still give so much.  If what you want is for me to stay, then I’ll stay.  I only hope it doesn’t end up being the wrong choice.”  The pain in his eyes is upsetting to see.  I don’t know who he thinks it would be the wrong choice for.  Him or me.  

Taking one of my hands out of his, I run my hand along his jaw, feel the tickle from his stubble.  Apparently he didn’t get to shave because he knew I was upset by the letter he had started writing to me.  Speaking of the letter.  I wasn’t going to bring it up.  But…

“Why were you going to leave me a letter, Tucker?”  I try to hide the pain in my voice, but know I fail miserably.  It does hurt that he didn’t think I deserved for him to tell me to my face.

“I’m sorry.  I knew it would hurt you that I was leaving after you defended me staying here, but I couldn’t see the pain on your face.”  He pauses and looks at the floor, but this time I pull his face up to look at me.  I want to see what he’s thinking.  What he’s feeling.  The raw honesty there melts my heart.  Has me falling into a place I didn’t think possible.  Caring.  “I didn’t want to see the pain I knew I would put on your face.  I’m really sorry.  I was a coward.”

I can’t respond.  It feels like my throat has closed.  My thumb is rubbing his cheek and I don’t remember it ever starting to move.  He lowers his cheek into my embrace.

Breathe, Adriana.

At this moment, more than anything else, I want to lower myself to my knees, get on the floor at his level, and wrap him in my arms.  I wish I knew if he wanted that too.  Yes, he’s holding my hand.  And yes, he’s letting me rub his cheek, but maybe he sees me as someone he wants to be friends with.  I’m not confident enough in the ways of men and women to know what this all means.

And I can’t handle being rejected.  Not by him.  Not the first time I want a man after Alex.

Thinking about Alex brings a new wave of guilt crashing down on me.  I drop my hand from Tucker’s face and pull my other hand free.  He notices my withdrawal.  I want to play it off coolly, but I can’t.  I know it’s written all over me that I had a mini freak out.

“What’s going on in that pretty head off yours?” he asks, tapping on the side of my head.  I want to lean in to his touch.  Have the moment linger a little longer, but I don’t.  I stiffen instead.  Try to harden myself to his touch.  Show Alex that I’m trying to keep my promise to him.

Tucker is watching me.  My insides are a tangled mess.  How is it possible to want him so badly when I love Alex the way I do?  Who do I talk to about this?

“Adriana, you can talk to me about anything.  I won’t judge you.”

Did I ask that out loud?  Oh no.  He’s staring at me again.  No, I know I didn’t say anything out loud.  
Calm down, girl.  Breathe.  Just give him little facts.  Maybe then he’ll back up a little.  Make it easier for me to breathe.
 

“I was thinking about Alex,” I whisper.  I’m so afraid to say his name to Tucker.  I don’t know why.  Would Alex be upset hearing me say his name to another man?  I just don’t know.

Staring at my hands because I can’t stand to see the pity that will inevitably cross his face, I’m surprised when he sits Indian style at my feet.  Settles himself right there so he can see my face again.

“Want to tell me about him?”

What?!?!  He wants me to tell him about Alex.  Why?

“Wh…what do you want to know about him?”  I stutter the words out, still in shock that he’d want to know about my dead husband.  Where did this man come from?

“Anything you want to tell me.  You knew him best.  Start from the beginning, the day you met him.  Or from somewhere in high school or when you started dating.  It doesn’t matter to me, Adriana.  If you want to talk about him.  I’ll listen.  I just want you to know that.”

I feel like the Grinch at that moment.  I think my heart just grew three sizes and all because Tucker is willing to listen to me talk about Alex.  I didn’t realize how much I want to talk about him until he offered to listen.

I raise my eyes to the ceiling and say a quick thank you to God for sending Tucker to me and quietly say sorry to Alex.  I hope he isn’t upset about me telling another man his stories.  My and his stories, but his none the less.  

Lowering my face back to where Tucker is sitting, I can’t help the smile from spreading across my face.  My heart is bursting with joy at finally wanting to talk about Alex.  And knowing I can without upsetting the person I’m talking to.  I want to hug him so badly for giving this to me.  For giving me this gift he isn’t even aware he’s giving me.

“Let’s pick up breakfast first and go get comfy on the couches,” I suggest, reaching down to grab his arms.  My intention is to help him from the floor, but I know I want to touch him too.

The electricity is sparks through my system at the contact.  If just this small amount of contact does this, I wonder what it would be like if we… feeling my entire body blush, I quickly avert my eyes to the table, the plates, anywhere but his face.  I don’t want him to see me redden.  See the thoughts I’m thinking about him.  Again.

“Okay.”

Okay.  This time I’m happy for his one word answer.

Chapter Sixteen

Victoria

Completely pissed off and in need of some reassurance, I find myself heading to Grant’s apartment.  I can’t believe those fuckers are killing me off the show.  I can still see the smug smile on Eddie’s face as he told me the story had been rewritten in the best interest of everyone on the show and my character is no longer a necessary character to further the story.

Best interest of the show, my ass.  He pushed this through that son of a bitch.  He did this to get his nose further up Tucker’s ass where I’m sure he’d like to shove something else.  Tucker is so blind to the fucking man crush Eddie has on him.  Best friend.  Yeah right.  If I hadn’t been around, I’m sure Tucker would have been dealing with a sore ass by now.

“Arrrrhhhh!”  Not caring that I scare the cab driver with my little outburst, I go on castigating Eddie and the rest of the writers in my head to keep the driver from getting in an accident.  I don’t care about him, but I do care about myself and getting to Grant.  He’ll make me feel better.

At least I hope he will.

He’s been weird since everyone found out we’re together.  Before that, he was amazing.  He told me he loved me.  Would hold my hands.  Hold me.  Listen to me.  Didn’t want me just to show me off.  

I may have been using Tucker to forward my career, but he was using me too.  Using me to fill a void in his life.  A hole that someone left that, after almost two years, he still wouldn’t tell me about.  He was never cold to me, mean or cruel, but he never fully let me in either.

Grant was different.  He was going to give me a life with him.  Love me.  Share himself.  His dreams.  What made him tick.  

That’s what he told me anyway.

So, why hasn’t he been talking to me much since we were caught together?

Was he upset that I didn’t end it with Tucker to be with him?  I had wanted to, but he told me not to.  He said to wait because of the show.  Now I see what he meant.  I’ll be without a job soon.

I wanted to stop sleeping with Tucker because I only wanted Grant, but he said Tucker would know and I needed to keep up pretenses.  Funny how a cab ride makes you look back and see things differently.  See things you didn’t want to see or were too blind to see before.

If he really loved me, why would he want me to stay with Tucker?  Want me to keep sleeping with Tucker?  So what if they killed me off the show.  Fired me.  I could get another gig.