Waking Up (41 page)

Shaking my head, I try to clear these thoughts.  I settle for no man.  Being with Grant and thrown away like a used rag taught me at least that.

Shoulders firm, head high, inner bitch in place, ready for Tucker’s rage, I ring the bell again.  

I wait a minute or two and it becomes apparent no one’s here.  I don’t know whether to be annoyed or relieved.  I want to tell Tucker about Grant, but I’m happy I don’t have to see the hurt I’ve caused him.  Turning, I head back to my car with plans to return later.

I need to make amends.

Chapter Forty One

Tucker

Adriana says nothing as she slips her fingers into mine.  I take this moment to notice how much smaller her hand is than mine.  How my fingers swallow her much smaller ones.  But, still, her tiny hand brings so much warmth to my entire being.  One gesture has my entire body glowing and I don’t think she has any idea the effect she has on me.

“Wanna take a walk?” I rasp out.  I mean it to sound smooth, but it sounds more like I’m choking.  I lose all sense of coolness around her.  I trip over myself at every turn.  If she notices, she never points it out and it only makes me want her more.

“Sure,” she answers, smiling at me.  I swear the heavens are shining on me whenever she graces me with her smile.  I’m not sure angels themselves could possess a more natural beauty.

Our feet skim the water as we walk along the edge of the water.  For several minutes, neither of us say anything.  We just walk, hand in hand, the sun warming us from above while the ocean rolls in at our feet.

The reprieve from talking allows me to take numerous glances at her flawless figure and her choice in bathing suit has me stumped.  It’s hot as hell, but honestly not what I would have pictured her picking.  When I think of her picking a suit, I envision something lacy, frilly.  Definitely not this gray, pink, and cream skull and bone camouflage string bikini.  I should have paid attention when I was taking it off her earlier.

Damn little brain was doing the thinking.

“I’m sorry for my outburst when we first got here.”  Her voice is soft.  I barely hear it over the sound of the waves breaking.  Her fingers tense, telling me this is uncomfortable for her.  I hate that, but I honestly have no idea what she freaked out about.

“It happens.  No need to apologize to me.  Unless you’re telling me it was directed at me…?”  I leave the last sentence hanging out there as a question because it dawns on me that it may be that I was responsible for her slamming the door and taking off like a bat out of hell.  I still have so much to learn about her.

Her cheeks redden and she stares at her feet.  Yep, I did something.  Damned if I know what it is.  Thought I was on my best behavior this morning—well other than the hallway and I’ll gladly show her my best in that department when I get her alone again.  I’d show her now except there are far too many eyes watching and getting arrested for indecent exposure may make her upset.

“Insecurities got the best of me, I guess.”  She stops walking, but doesn’t look at me.  She doesn’t let go of my hand either.  I watch her run her foot along the sand and under the water letting the sand go over the top of her foot and fall off.  Over and over again.

“Insecure about what, Adriana?”  I’m not a hundred percent sure what she’s going to tell me, but I think I know where this conversation is going and I don’t like it.

She shrugs and continues trailing her foot through the watery sand.  I watch it fall off her foot and she starts over again.  She watches her foot.  I want her to tell me what’s going on in her head, but I’m scared, too.  I don’t want who I am to be too much for her.  

“You can tell me.”  I grab her other hand and lace our fingers together.  I try to offer her the same warmth she gave me, but I have no idea if she feels for me how I feel for her.

When she lifts her eyes to meet mine, they’re misted over, sending my heart plummeting.  I pull her closer to me, fear making me worry she’s going to tell me she’s ending whatever has started between us.

“I… what I mean is… why me?  I don’t get it, Tucker.  You can have anyone.”  I hear complete amazement in her voice.  “But, you’re attracted to me. I’m a nobody from New Hampshire.  I have nothing to offer you.  Wh-Why me?  I’m sorry to ask, but are you just looking for someone to–”

“Don’t you even finish that sentence, do you hear me, Adriana?” I know I’ve shocked her.  It’s evident in the “o” shape of her mouth and her wide eyes.  “How can you say you have nothing to offer?  You have been more kind to me than anyone I can think of outside of my Grams.  And, why you?  Seriously?  Do you not understand how fucking beautiful you are?  I wasn’t giving you a line when I said I’ve wanted to kiss you since the second I met you.”

“But, you’re surrounded by gorgeous women.”

“Fake women.  They’re all fake.  Enhanced to look the way magazines and television say they should look.  I don’t want that.  You are so much more than that.  You are like the sunshine cutting through a rainy day.  You radiate beauty.”

“What about Victoria?”  Well fuck.  She has to throw her into this.

“What about her?  She’s my ex and you know what?  She was the most beautiful with no make-up on and her hair in a pony tail.  Don’t you see, sweetness?  I don’t need all the extra frills to turn my head.  I want simple.  You are simple, natural beauty.”

A tear slips down her cheek.  I let go of one of her hands to wipe it away.  “You’re as beautiful as an angel and don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than that.”  Leaning down, I kiss her cheek where the tear was and smile at her as I give her hand a tug to get us walking again.

“Did my screaming wake you yesterday morning?”  I hear the apology in her voice and it rips through my chest.  Part of me still hurts over her calling me Alex, but a bigger part wants to show her who I am, make her see that she can be happy again.

“No.  My own demons woke me a little earlier,” I’m happy that we’re walking and not facing each other.  There are times when I can be a pussy and talking about my past are those times.  I know she’ll want to talk about it.  She’s the helping type and she’ll think she’s helping me by talking about it.  Somehow, that makes me like her more.  Even if she reopens wounds better left closed.

“Want to talk about it?”  I almost laugh.  If only she knew what I was just thinking.  I really don’t want to talk about it, but I know the way to getting close to this woman is opening up to her. So, I prime myself for the inevitable heartache of talking about my past.

Operation letting Adriana get to know Tucker has officially started.

“It was a nightmare I had every night as a kid for years, but it’s been so long since I had it.  Guess it threw me.  Couldn’t go back to sleep so I was going to go to the gym and try to work it out.  I was trying to find a water bottle when I heard you scream.”  I don’t wait for her to apologize for anything that happened after I entered her room.  Don’t feel like dealing with that wound, too.  It’s too fresh and I’d rather it heals by her healing.  

“The dream… nightmare was about the day Mikos… ah, my father, ripped me from the only home I had known.  As you know, I was eight when my mom died and my dad dumped me off on my grandparents, but what I didn’t tell you is that it was only a few days after she died that he yanked me from our home.  Right after the reception.  He brought us home, pulled out bags, and told me to pack.  He said we were going to stay with my grandparents.  I started crying and told him I didn’t want to go.  I was worried my mom was going to come back and not know where we were and think we didn’t love her anymore.  He screamed at me that we were going and to pack.  For the first time, I was scared of him.”

I feel Adriana squeeze my fingers.  I’m not sure if she’s trying to console me or if she’s angry.  She’s squeezing pretty hard.  If she’s angry now, she really won’t like the rest of what happened.

“I stood there wondering why he kept telling me not to smile or look at him.  
 
I was wondering why he didn’t love me anymore. He belted out my name, making me jump, and screamed that I needed to stop crying.  He told me crying never got anyone anywhere.  I told him that mom told me when my heart hurt that it was okay to cry.  He came at me so fast, I thought he was going to hit me and I peed my pants.” 

Adriana stops walking.  She tries to turn toward me, but I can’t have that.  If I’m going to finish this story, I need to keep staring straight ahead.  Certain stories need to be told without seeing how others feel about it.

Tugging her hand, I keep walking.  “He noticed and roared at me saying, “Are you fucking kidding me?  Clean yourself up and pack.  I will not tell you again.”  I ran for my room and quickly stripped from my wet clothes.  I threw them away and put clean clothes over my dirty body, too afraid to go to the bathroom to clean up.” 

She’s clenching my fingers so hard I think she’s going to cut off circulation.  I can hear her breathing picking up and I know now that she’s angry, not feeling pity.  I still can’t look at her.  This story isn’t over.

“I hurry up and throw all my clothes into the bags he left for me so I would have time to write a letter for my mom.  I remember being so excited that I had a pink marker because it was her favorite color.  I was just about done writing it when he came in.  I only had to finish writing my name.  I thought he’d be happy that I was telling her where we were going, but he took my letter, ripped it into pieces and threw it all over the floor.  I started punching him, anywhere I could make contact, wanting him to hurt like I was hurting, yelling at him, asking him why he didn’t want her to know where we would be.  That bastard grabbed me by my arms, threw me on my bed and, with no feeling, told me she wasn’t coming back because she was dead and dead is final.  You would think he’d stop there, but he didn’t.  He went on to tell me women are trouble and to never give my heart to one before telling me my eyes better be dry before he got back in from loading the car.  I remember feeling this rage bubble up inside of me when he turned his back on me and I saw him stepping on the pieces of my mom’s letter on the floor.  I lashed out, telling him I hated him.  I just wanted to hurt him because he was shattering me.”

I stop now because I need a second before I can go on.  This last part is the part that has haunted me my entire life.  The words he said were his admission to his eight year old son that he hated him.  I was too young then to understand it.

“Do you know what he said to me then?” I ask her, knowing she doesn’t and not looking at her to see what she does.  “He told me good because it’s better to hate than to love.  When you love you can be disappointed and hurt, but when you hate you stay strong.  That’s the day my father told me he hated me.”

The intake of air she takes tells me I shocked her.  Her childhood was so different than mine.  Hers was picture perfect where mine was a bunch of shattered images.

“Tucker… I, my God, there are no words for how your father treated you.  If he were standing here right now, I would break a promise I made to Adrian and drop kick him in his nuts.  I’m so angry for you.”

I can feel that anger in the grip she has on my hand and it makes me giddy.  Giddy like a teenager because it means that she cares about me on some level.  Part of me wishes Mikos was here because I’d love to see my angel who turns warrior when she feels the need to protect drop his ass to the ground.

“That’s only one story in the many that make up my nightmares of Mikos Stavros.”  I try to keep my voice steady, but I hear the slight tremble.  I always get emotional where my father is concerned.  He’s the one demon I can’t seem to shake.

“How about we save more talk about him for later and enjoy this beautiful day?” she asks, turning fully to face me.  “Besides, if I hear one more thing about Mikos, I’m liable to track him down so I can do him bodily harm.”

She may be smiling, but I can tell she means every word of her threat and it means more to me than I can ever tell her.   She has managed to burrow a bit deeper into my heart.

I peer back in the direction we came from and her friends are a ways off.  Perfect.  Grabbing her around her waist, I pick her up so her face is level with mine.  I stare into her eyes wanting to jump straight into kissing her, but I don’t.  We’re in public and her friends are here.  This has to be her call.

Our eyes are locked in a silent battle, mine begging for her to move closer, hers begging for the same, I think.  I stay as still as I can, holding her against me, trying not to get hard.  Not easy when she has next to nothing covering her.  Everyone around us has faded away into a hazy blur.  It’s just Adriana and me and I want her to make a move.

Her fingers that were gripping my upper arms start sliding upward.  I remain still as her fingers roam up my neck into my hairline, her eyes never leaving mine.  The tension between us rockets up and I feel a force trying to shove my face into hers, but I hold steady, waiting for her to come to me.  I watch her tongue dart out, wetting her lip.  It sends a pang of arousal through my groin and I have to mentally kick myself to keep from groaning.  I tighten my hold around her waist, bringing our lips a fraction closer, hoping she’ll take the hint.  Her eyes start to close and her lips start to pucker as she moves slowly, so slowly toward me.  

It’s only a couple of inches, but it feels like it’s taking forever.  The air is sizzling between us.  I feel her breath on my face.  Finally, her lips touch mine, soft and satiny.  It’s a gentle caress, nothing demanding and I’m trying not to take more.  This is about her.

She places a few soft pecks on my lips before pulling away.  I feel like I’ve won.  She kissed me.  In public.  Where her friends could see.  I’m beaming like an idiot and could care less who sees.

“Let’s head back to your friends.  They’re probably missing you by now,” I say, still unable to drop the smile from my face.

We walk back, hand in hand.  I expect her to drop my hand as we get closer to the group, but she doesn’t.  My heart soars with the possibility of what this could mean.