Waking Up (37 page)

The timing is all wrong.  Kale’s trying to make partner, Adri’s still a mess, none of our friends have kids yet.  This isn’t how it was supposed to be.  I wanted a family with Kale, a big one, but we had a plan.

Our plan has gone to shit.

“What’s going on, Dee?  Why don’t you talk to me so we can get you okay before your boys get bored and come looking for you to entertain them,” Adri says in a whisper.

I face my friend and blast her with the first thing that comes to my mind.  “I don’t know if I want this.”  I watch as her face crumbles.  She quickly recovers and puts on her best compassion smile that Adri’s known for, but I saw the horror on her face a second ago.  She thinks I’m a horrible person.

Now that one truth is out, I can’t stop.  “This wasn’t the plan.  Not like this.  Kale and I did want another child, but he was supposed to make partner first.  One of you girls in the neighborhood was supposed to have a baby first.  It wasn’t supposed to just be me.  I want my kids to play with my friends kids.  I want to be able to tell you girls about being pregnant and have you understand,” I sob the words out.

“You’re all so successful and I’m just a mom.  Now, I’m going to be a mom, again, and none of you will be, again, and no, I haven’t told Kale yet because I couldn’t tell him over the phone.  And I didn’t want him to hear that I’m not crazy happy about this.  It will kill him.  What do I do with that, Adri?  Huh?  What the hell do I tell him when he asks how my appointment went today?”

Big, ugly tears fall down my face.  Adri gets up to grab the box of tissue and comes right back to my side.  “You tell him the truth.  That’s what you do, Dee, because that’s you and Kale.  He’ll understand.  Don’t worry about him making partner.  I can put a bug in Lance’s ear about that.  I’m still a silent partner in the business.”

“Oh God, Adri. No!  I didn’t say that to get you to try to push a promotion through for Kale.  He’d hate me if he thought he got it because I talked you into doing it for him, if he didn’t earn it himself.”

“He has earned it.”

“Please, Adri.  Don’t say anything to Lance.  Please,” I beg.  I hate my out of control emotions and the position they may have put Kale in.  Adri is like a dog with a bone when she gets an idea in her head.  It’s hard to sway her from it.

“Okay.  For now, I’ll leave it, but he does deserve it and Lance should have done it already.  I’m sorry too that there are no kids for the boys to play with.  Alex and I did plan to give them friends,” she says, her voice catching.

Shit.  What have I done?  I knew they were trying when Alex died.

“Adri, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop.  I want everyone to stop apologizing whenever Alex’s name comes up.  Tell me about your appointment.  Did the doctor tell you how far along you are or when your due date is?  Did he say anything about how sick you’ve been all week?”

Pride soars through me listening to Adri ask me not to apologize for making her talk about Alex.  Something within her is changing.  As soon as I feel a little better, I intend to spend some time with Tucker Stavros and make sure he’s deserving of my friend.

“Well, I went in for what I thought was the flu and got the shock of my life.”  We both chuckle.  “The doctor ordered an ultrasound because I recently had my period and I was further surprised to find out I’m eight weeks along.”

“Eight weeks already, really?

“Yeah, I have the pictures if you want to see them.”

“Of course I want to see them.  That’s not even a question.”

“I got to see, not hear the heart beating.”  My eyes fill with tears.  “It should have filled me with joy like it did my last pregnancies, but it didn’t, Adri.  All I could think is, Kale isn’t here with me.  He’s always here with me when I find out, have the first ultrasound.  He’s working so much.  There’s no other babies in the neighborhood.  All these negative thoughts went through my head instead of focusing on the heartbeat and the miracle that was in front of me.”  Tears spill over.

“Oh, Dee, I’m sorry you had to be there alone.  Someone should have been there with you.”  Adri’s arms are back around me.

“That’s just it, no one needed to be there with me.  I thought it was the flu.  It’s weird.  I knew I was pregnant the other times.  I had no clue this time.”

“Did he say anything about you being so sick?”

He said it could be extreme morning sickness and wants me to monitor it.  Could be something worse, that condition Prince William’s wife had.  I forget the medical term.”

“Hyperemesis gravidarum?”

“That sounds right.  How’d you know that?”

“It was all over the TV and radio, kept hearing the term, never forgot it for some reason.  What will he do if you have that?  Will the baby be okay?”

“He gave me a script today for an anti-nausea med.  If I don’t start feeling better in a couple days, then I need to fill it.  Need to watch out for getting dehydrated.”

Adri jumps up and walks away from me into my kitchen.  I hear her in the cupboard.

“What are you doing?”

She walks back out a minute later with a glass of water and a box of Ritz, a smile on her face.  “No dehydrating on my watch and I’ve heard crackers help with the nausea,” she says, sitting back beside me.

I place my head on her shoulder as she hands me the glass of water and box of crackers.  For the first time since hearing I’m pregnant, I smile.  Maybe this isn’t a bad thing.

“Thanks, Adri.”

She pats my hand and pushes at the glass.  I obey her silent command, taking a couple sips of the water.  It feels good on my dry throat.  We sit there saying nothing for a few minutes.  We can hear the boys upstairs jumping and raising hell together, but they stay up there like I asked.

“Did you get a due date?”

“February 5
^th
.” 

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?  What’s the big deal with February 5
^th
,” I ask, thoroughly confused. 

“You could have this baby on Super Bowl Sunday and if my Pats make it there, you know how I feel about going anywhere during the game.”

We both start cracking up.  I’m glad Adri came over and that I told her.  Kale may be hurt that I told someone before him, but I needed this.  I needed to get myself straightened out.  It’s going to be okay.  I’m going to be okay.

I got this.

Chapter Thirty Three

Tucker

I couldn’t watch Adriana walk away with the kids, my emotions getting the better of me.  Playing with her friend’s kids, having them accept me when all they’ve known is her with Alex, had me feeling a bliss I’ve never known before.  I’m used to rejection and abandonment.  

When she asked to take our pictures, the excitement on their little faces left me unable to say no.  My agent will shit a brick if those pictures ever go viral, but how could I say no to them?  I had been disappointed so many times when I was younger.  I vowed to never do that to a child.  I refuse to be the man, the monster, my father was.  

I throw myself back into cleaning, trying to stop myself from choking up thinking back to the hug Kale Jr. gave me when I told him I’d sign a picture for him, the hugs they all gave me before they went home.  I wish it could be that easy as an adult to care for people, not be so complicated and muddled.  When do we learn to become cynical, jaded?  When do we start seeing the world with grown up eyes?

Grown up eyes, her eyes were filled with concern when I last saw them.  I hope her friend is alright.  I would have kept the kids here to play, but Deidre doesn’t know me from a hole in the ground.  I felt uncomfortable offering.  I didn’t want to come off as a weirdo who likes kids too much.  Definitely not kids that I’m into.

There is a sweet little angel who has my insides all twisted up, though.  My cock does a little hop in my pants as I think back to my encounter with Adriana this morning.  There’s nothing I want more than to revisit that when she gets back.  The tension has been building all morning.

She was trying to sneak peeks, but I saw her staring, saw her blushing.  Wonder if I get my hands in her pants if she’ll be wet.  Groaning at my own thoughts, I grab a box of bricks in each hand and start bringing them into the basement.

I’ll have everything cleaned up when she gets back so she has nothing to focus on except me.

Chapter Thirty Four

Victoria

Should I do this?  Fly to New Hampshire and talk to Tucker?  I wish he had answered me.  Checking myself over in the mirror, I put on lipstick, questioning for the thousandth time if this is the right decision.

I know he saw the e-mail I sent him.  I wish that was warning enough, but the more I think about it, the more I worry that Grant isn’t done trying to hurt Tucker.  I have to make sure he understands this isn’t about Grant hurting me.   It’s about Grant hurting him.

I brush through my long hair and take a last look at myself.  “He needs to know, Vic,” I say at my reflection as I turn my back to it, grab my suitcase and head out.

This time tomorrow, I’ll be in the some little town in some little state that I couldn’t find much information on.

I only hope Tucker will listen to me.

Chapter Thirty Five

Tucker

“Good morning, sweetie.”

I love that she looks at caller ID before answering and knows it’s me.  “Hey, Grams,” I say, wishing she could see the smile I’m trying to send her through the phone.

“You sound chipper this morning, my boy.  What has you sounding so happy?”  That’s my Grams, right to the point.

“You have me so chipper,” I joke.  “What is chipper anyways?”

“Don’t play coy with me.  Something’s different.  You’re not moping this morning, sweetie.  Why?”

She’s not going to let this go.  I know Grams and she’ll ask this question five hundred different ways till she tricks me into answering.  As fun as it is to get her going, I want to talk to her before Adriana gets back.  

But, where do I start?

“Just spit it out, sweetie.”

“How do you always do that?”

“Do what?” she asks sweetly.  She’s so far from innocent it elicits a deep laugh from me.

“Never mind.  You’ll never admit to it.  Uh, Grams, I think I saw… the… smile.”

The silence from the other end of the phone has me wondering if I accidentally disconnected the call.  Pulling the phone from my head, I see it’s still connected.  Maybe she hung up?

“Grams, you still there?”

“I’m here, sweetie.  Always.”

“Did you hear what I said?”  I hold my breath, waiting for her response.

“Did you sleep with her, Tucker?”  Her voice is hard and I feel like a teenager who got caught doing something terrible.  

“No, I haven’t,” I say with more force than I should, probably telling her that I want to and that we’ve been physical.

Grams gets quiet again and it drives me crazy.  I feel disappointment coming through the phone line and it kills me.  I want her to understand that Adriana isn’t a fling.  I want her to be in my life.

“Grams, I don’t know what to do here.  I can’t picture a day where Adriana isn’t a part of it.  It’s scaring me.  I only have two more weeks here and then I go back to Vancouver.  My life is more than three thousand miles from hers.  How do I make this work?”

“Oh, Tucker, I wish there was an easy answer I could give you.  The heart picks what it wants and you have to follow it.  If your heart wants her, then you have to make some decisions for your life.”

“What do you mean by that, Grams?  I have a contract for the next two years.  The show films for nine months out of the year.  I can’t ask her to fit into that life.”

“She’s her own person.  She can make her own decisions.”

“But, the paparazzi.  They’ll eat her alive.  I can’t do that to her.”

“So, you’ll have an affair with her for a couple weeks and leave her there heartbroken?  I raised you better than that, Tucker Kostas Stavros.  You think long and hard before you go any further with that young lady.  She has enough hurt in her heart.  You don’t need to add any more to it.  Do you hear me?”

There is venom dripping from her voice and that’s not something I’m used to having directed at me.  She’s right, though.  As much as I want Adriana and she consumes my every thought, I need to think, to put her first.  She has so much more to lose than I do.

“I hear you, Grams.  How are you feeling?”  She chuckles, knowing I’m ready to talk about something else.

“The arthritis kicks in every now and again, but I hang in there the best I can.  I’m a tough old bird.”

“Yes, you are.  You still scare the crap out of me,” I laugh.  I love this woman more than she’ll ever know.

The sound of the door slamming startles me.  Adriana rushes past me with tears pouring down her face.  I can’t imagine what news Deidre got at a regular doctor appointment today that would have Adriana this upset, but she’s up the stairs and her bedroom door is slammed shut before I can even have the thought.

“Have to call you later, Grams.  Adriana just came back from her friend’s house crying.”

“Be gentle with her, sweetie.  Don’t force her to talk.”

“Okay.  Love you.”

I disconnect the call and hesitantly climb the stairs.  I’m not sure she’ll want me to bother her.  I would call one of her other friends, but I don’t have any of their numbers.  Lost at what else to do, I put one foot in front of the other until I’m in front of her door.

Her cries echo through the door, loud sobs that dig deep into my soul.  I’m not sure what I’m going to walk into or if she’ll even let me in, but I want to comfort her.  I want to go to her more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.  I want to take away whatever is causing her to hurt.

I stand in the hallway for several minutes, not because I want to hear her cry.  That sound tears through my heart, but because I’m afraid she’ll tell me to go away and that will hurt me even more.  I need to help her.

I raise my hand and gently knock, deciding I’m not giving her the chance to turn me away, but not being overly forceful either.  “Adriana,” I say softly.  “I’m coming in.”  I know Grams said don’t force her to talk to me, but she didn’t say I couldn’t go in and hold her.