Waking Up (29 page)

But, I did get excited over talking about Alex.

Why did I kiss him?

I’m so confused.

“Adriana, stop thinking so hard.  I’m not upset with you.  I’m upset with myself.  I promise you, I will be better going forward.”

I blush at the thought of what being better could mean coming from him and we continue the tour.

Back in my room, I’m upset with myself that I let Tucker blame himself for what happened.  I threw myself at him.  Any man would have reacted the way he did.  Most would have pushed for more.  I need to get my head straight and not lead people on.  It’s not right.

Taking a few deep breaths, I steel myself for a night with my friends and Tucker.  I hope the girls don’t see that something happened between Tucker and me.  Alahna always sees too much and Mick has a way of noticing sexual tension.

I’m not ready to talk about this.

Chapter Twenty Two

Tucker

Telling Adriana that I thought I was an overflow to her happiness for sharing her memories left me feeling spent.  After the tour and lunch, I told her I was going to my room to check stuff back home.  I knew she wasn’t buying it, but she didn’t fight me.  I still feel awful leaving her standing in the middle of the kitchen, grasping for conversational straws.  Telling me she’d be reading in her room didn’t work.  

It makes me smile thinking of her laying down reading, engrossed in a story.  What Preston told me comes back with a vengeance.  Everything this woman does is going to make me think about sex.  I’m going to have a hard time keeping my promise to her.
   
 

Her friends will be here soon.  I need to put my game face on.  Not be such a transparent ass.  They all seem to realize I have a thing for her and I didn’t even know I was giving off a vibe.  Just a few more minutes.  A few more minutes to prepare myself.  Prepare myself to see her face.  Her lips.  Her hair.  The way she moves when she walks.  Hear her laugh and snort.  Watch her hands fly when she talks.

A few more minutes.  Then, I’ll be ready.

Who the hell am I kidding?  I can’t prepare for that.  Seeing her beauty is like a sucker punch to the gut.  Every time.

They’ll all see I’m hooked.  They’ll see that I can’t be without her.  That I’m crazy for her.  That all she still wants is Alex.  And that she broke my heart today.

So much for being a brilliant actor.

Chapter Twenty Three

Alahna

Something is wrong.  I sense it the second I walk in Adri’s door.  She’s upset.  Tucker is upset.  You don’t have to be a genius to figure it out even though they’re both trying to cover it up.  

Preston and I are the first one’s here.  I want to talk to Adri, but I need a reason that won’t get Preston’s hackles raised.  He and Tucker are talking about food, I think I hear. So, I slink over to Adri who’s pulling containers out of the fridge.

“Whatcha doing?” I ask her, nudging her with my hip.

“Tucker and I didn’t eat yet.  I was reading while he rested.  Lost track of time.”  She’s answering me, but she’s not really talking to me.  Yep, she’s upset about something.

Keeping my voice low, I ask, “What’s wrong, Adri?  Did Tucker do something to you?”

Her heads bounces up so fast I almost laugh because she looks like a bobble head you see on someone’s shelf.  Her eyes mist over.  I stand in front of her so the guys can’t see her and look over my shoulder toward them.

“Adri and I will be right back.  We have to check our file for Saturday real quick to make sure Bridezilla will be all set.”  I turn her so they can’t see the tears in her eyes and march her to her office.  Closing the door behind us, I walk her to her desk and force her gently into the seat while I sit on the desk.

I say nothing because I want her to talk to me.  Adri has always been easily spooked.  You have to let her work it out.  A tear slips down her cheek and I’m worried there’s going to be a breakdown happening, but she wipes it away and pulls her shoulders up.  It surprises me.

She meets my gaze, determination flaring.  I don’t know what to do.  This isn’t the Adri I’m used to.  She’s normally so fragile.  So ready to break.  At least she has been since Alex died.  The woman before me looks like she’s ready to fight, but what is she ready to fight for?

“He…he didn’t do anything to me.”  Her voice squeaks out at first, but finds its strength at the end even though she stays quiet so the guys can’t hear us.  “He was wonderful.  It’s what I did to him, Alahna, that has me torn up.”

She puts a fist to her mouth.  I’m sure to control herself in some way.  What Adri did to Tucker?  I’m completely confused.  What could she have possibly done to him that would have her this worked up?  I continue to sit there in silence, waiting for her to speak.  To tell me what she thinks she did that is so awful.

She takes a deep breath and opens her mouth to speak when there’s a knock on the door.

“What?” I ask.

“It’s Tucker.  I wanted to know if Adriana would like me to heat her up some leftovers from last night.  I know she hasn’t had dinner yet.”

“Yes, please, Tucker.  Whatever you’re having is fine.  We’ll be out in a few minutes.  Thank you.”  She stares at me, begging me to be quiet.  We listen for him to go down the hallway.

“See what I mean,” she says.  “He’s wonderful.”  Her voice is so sad.  “Today he let me talk about Alex.  Told me he would listen.  I told him about the day I met Alex and Preston.  How they asked me to be their best friend.  How Alex was the first to call me Adri.”  Her shoulders sag and she stares at the floor instead of me.  She picks at imaginary lint on her shirt.

“Oh, honey, no wonder you looked so upset when I got here.”

“No, that’s not it.  It was amazing to talk about him.  I was overjoyed.”

“I don’t understand, Adri.  If you were overjoyed then why are you so upset?” I ask her.  I can see her pain.  It’s all over her face, in the way she’s holding her body.

“I don’t know how to tell you what I did.”  She looks at the floor some more and I start to understand where this is going.  She slept with Tucker.  That son of a bitch took advantage of Adriana.

“I’m going to fucking kill him!”

“Wh-what?”  I see the confusion on her face and now I’m confused.  That is what she was going to tell me, right?

“You slept with Tucker, right?  That motherfucker took advantage of you.”

“NO!  You have it so wrong, Alahna.  I kissed him... more than once.  I wanted so much for it to happen.  I climbed onto him.  Straddled him.”  I watch her blush.  My poor innocent friend.  “It felt amazing to connect with someone again.  Then, Kale showed up and the guilt set in.  I love Alex and I never should have touched another man.  It isn’t fair to Tucker.”

Another tear falls down her cheek and I wipe it away this time.  I can see that she isn’t finished.  I let her calm down again.

“I tried talking to him.  Apologizing for kissing him.  He told me he understood that I got wrapped up in the happiness of talking about Alex.  That he should have stopped it.  He understood me using him.  The horrible thing is, I could see in his eyes that I hurt him.”

I pull her into my arms and give her all the comfort I can.  My broken Adri.  She’s trying to find her way.

“Aww, girl, you’re becoming a novel over here.  Beautiful girl living in the sticks meets a movie star.”

“Oh God, stop,” she laughs.  “We’re readers not writers for a reason.  That is a terrible story idea.”  She’s giggling as she says it and I’m happy to see her mood shifting.

We head back to the guys and Tucker has a plate ready for Adriana.  He’s eying her intently.  I want to hug him.  Not only for giving her joy today in letting her talk about Alex, but for thinking enough of her to let her off the hook when she kissed him and now for making her food when she hasn’t eaten.

And for knowing that she wasn’t okay and that’s why I had her in the other room.  I’m liking him more by the minute.

Chapter Twenty Four

Adriana

“Alex.  Why can’t I see you tonight?  Are you punishing me, baby?  I’m sorry.  So sorry.  Please, baby, please forgive me.”

I’m trying with all my might to bring forth an image of Alex, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t make it happen.  I’m panicking.   Oh God, what have I done?  Have I lost him completely?

“God, please give him back to me.  Please.  I need Alex.”  I hear myself begging, but I don’t care.  I need to see Alex.  To see his face.  Tell him I’m sorry.  Let him know I’m not moving on.  Not replacing him.  He needs to know I love him.  I’ll always love him.

I close my eyes, try my last ditch method of summoning Alex’s image.  I picture him in his gray UNH t-shirt, his sandy blonde hair and green eyes with his smile that I love so much.  With my eyes closed, I can see him so clearly.  I don’t want to open my eyes because I’m afraid he won’t be there.

I don’t feel him again tonight.  I worry that I drove him away when I agreed to let Tucker stay.  

“But I did what I thought you would do,” I say, keeping my eyes closed.  “Please, Alex.  I need you to hear me.  I don’t know what happened today.  Why I did what I did.  I’m sorry.  I won’t do it again.  Tucker knows that, too.  Please be here when I open my eyes.”

Slowly, I open my eyes and he’s there.  He’s faint and shimmery, but he’s there.  I want to scream, “Thank you, God,” but I’m afraid he’ll go away.

“Hey, baby.  I needed to see you tonight.  I’m so sorry.”  My hand absently runs circles over the letters on the t-shirt on the bed, but in my mind I see myself running circles over his chest.  “I’m so sorry, Alex.  I miss you so much.  Talking about you.  Remembering you calling me Adri for the first time.  It did something to me.  It’s no excuse.  I know that, baby.  I’m sorry.  I can’t say that enough.  He knows I regret it.  He knows I won’t touch him again.  He won’t touch me either.”

Saying the words hurts me.  Hurts me because I know I’ve hurt Alex by touching Tucker and hurts me because I want to touch Tucker again and can’t.  I can’t hurt Alex like that again.  He’s my heart.

“I love you more than anything, Alex.  Not having you beside me every day sucks.  It just sucks, baby.  I’m sorry I lost my way.  Please don’t leave me anymore.  My heart can’t take it.”

Staring at his boyish grin, I can’t help but try to run my hand across his cheek.   I have to stop the sob that wants to break free when my hand goes right through the image breaking up his handsome face.  Oh, Alex.  If only you could understand how much I miss you.  How hard this has been for me.

“I heard Bruno Mars’
When I Was Your Man
today and it made me think of you like it always does.  I know it seems like a weird song to remind me of you, but it does every time. Makes me think about when you were you here with me before you left.”

Before he left.  That word again.  Will I ever be able to say die to him?

“Do you remember how you used to send me flowers all the time, trying to make me pick a favorite kind?  I have a secret for you.  I couldn’t pick a favorite.  They were all my favorite because of your reaction.   Do you remember what you would do when you would come home or to the studio and see they were delivered?  You would send flowers to make my day, but you would be the one with a smile on your face, beaming from ear to ear.  You would pick me up in your arms and spin me around until I was laughing.”

I wipe at the tears that are falling.  These aren’t tears of sorrow.  These are happy tears.  Remembering wonderful moments that I had buried since Alex
left
me so I wouldn’t fall apart.  But, now, I feel a little stronger.  Just enough that I can let a few memories in and still continue to breathe.

“Everywhere we went you held my hand.  In the car, the mall, walking along the beach, at friend’s gatherings.  I can’t think of a place you wouldn’t hold my hand.  You even held my hand while we watched TV sitting together on the couch.  It made me feel so wanted.  Like you were showing everyone I was your girl.  I loved that you did that.  I miss that more than I can ever explain.”

What I would give to hold his hand now.  Feel the warmth of his fingers twined around mine.  Feel his thumb rubbing along the top of my hand.

“What about the parties in college when we started dating?  Not that you didn’t bring me to lots of parties when we were just friends, but it all changed when you finally admitted you loved me since we were kids.  You walked us straight through the door into the middle of the party and started dancing with me whether there was music to dance to or not.  I was so embarrassed the first time you did that because I knew everyone was watching us, but every time you did that, I fell in love with you all over again.”

“That, Alex, is why I can’t hear that song without thinking of you.  Bruno may have lost someone for not treating them right.  But you– you were perfect, baby.”

That’s why today with Tucker never should have happened.  My heart is still completely with Alex.

I smile at Alex’s image, the tears falling faster.  Seeing his smile, I wish this once I’d envisioned him with a different expression.  Disappointment, anger, anything but the smile on his face.  If he were really here in front of me, he wouldn’t be smiling at me after what I’d done.  Then, again, if he were here with me, this would have never happened.

Alex’s image shimmers more and fades away as I beg for more time with him.  But, I can’t hold onto it.  In a moment, he’s gone.  His smile, his eyes, his hair I loved running my fingers through.  It’s all gone and I feel emptier than ever.

“Goodnight, baby,” I choke out before the sobs take over.  

Another night of crying myself to sleep starts.  The hurt in my heart feels like it will never heal and I don’t know that this t-shirt will ever dry from my tears.

Chapter Twenty Five

Tucker

What a clusterfuck today was.  Not that there weren’t amazing moments.  Kissing Adriana was definitely amazing.  Life altering.  I don’t know that I’ll ever want to touch another woman now, but not being able to ever touch her again means I’m ruined.  Life is going to be lonely from now on.