Waking Up (31 page)

I stop for a second.  Leaving my back to her, I look over my shoulder and nod.  As I walk away, I try rationalizing with myself that she never told me we’d be anything.  Never asked me to be anything to her, not even her friend.  I tell myself to stop acting like a bitch, but nothing is working.  The hurt in my heart is too much.

And she put it there
.

   I close myself in my room feeling like I’m going to hyperventilate.  The urge to punch something is overwhelming, but she’ll surely ask me to leave then.  Maybe that’s the solution to this problem.  Show her how fucked up I truly am.  

What the fuck am I going to do in this room for six hours? I sure as hell am not going to go ask her to amuse me.  I need to be away from her.  Need to get my shit together.

Planning on calling Eddie, I realize I can’t do it.  I’m not ready to share Adriana with him yet.  I don’t know why, but I can’t talk about her with him yet.  Not because I think he would want her, but because… I don’t know.  I’m just not ready.

I can’t call Grams either.  She told me to be friends with Adriana.  What happened this morning goes beyond friends.  I can’t lie to Grams.  She’ll know something happened.  I can’t take her disappointment right now.  I’m disappointed enough for the both of us.

Firing the computer up makes me think of Adriana all over again.  How thoughtful she is to have a computer in her guest room.

My angel.

I’ve stopped correcting myself at the thought.  Although she isn’t my girl, I feel she is an angel.  God has blessed me bringing her into my life even if she’s breaking my heart.  She’s showing me that some people are kind to strangers even though they expect nothing in return.  Adriana shines with kindness.  Goodness.  She makes me want to be more.

I sign into Facebook– my private account– not the fan made one with all the photos that gets all the marriage proposals and comments I’m embarrassed for Grams to ever read.  Not that every fan writes things like that, but some of the stuff that is written is… well, it’s fucking crazy.  I often wonder if these people really think this or write it because they think it’s funny.  If they want to see the reaction they’ll get from others.

My private account doesn’t have any pictures of me other than a caricature that was drawn on a trip that Victoria and I took to Vegas with some of the crew to promote the show.  Only the people closest to me are on this account.  Seeing the message box lit up makes me smile.  It’s probably Grams or Eddie.  

I chuckle thinking about my last visit to Grams.  Teaching her how to use FB.  She despised it, but she’ll do anything to have more ways to stay in contact with me.  I love sending her jokes and checking later to see if she sends one back.  Turns out Grams is pretty computer savvy.

Clicking the message link, I’m not prepared for the message to be from Victoria.  My already sour mood nosedives.  I want to ignore the message, but my curiosity wins out.  I’m shocked that she took time to write to me.  Closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths, I prepare myself for whatever she has to say.  

The shit keeps trickling down today and apparently I’m at the bottom of the hill.

Ready to deal with whatever she’s going to blast me with, I open my eyes and click on her message.

Tucker- I know I’m the last person you want to hear from and I completely understand that.  I’m sorry for making you feel that way and I should have said that from the moment you found out I betrayed you.  There’s nothing I can do to change what I’ve done or make you understand why I did it.  I’m not writing this to ask for any of that.  I’m writing to warn you about Grant.  I know this will sound odd, but he’s out to make you look bad.  I swear, I didn’t know this.  I didn’t set out to hurt you and I’m so sorry that I did.  I know you and I were never a love match, we filled a gap in each other’s lives.  But, I considered you my friend and I know that’s gone now.  And I know that’s on me.  I wish I had known that Grant was using me to get to you.  To prove that you weren’t the man, as he put it when he threw me out yesterday.  He’s out to get you and I thought you should know to watch out for him.  He’s a nasty fucker.  I wish I knew this before I got sucked in and hurt you.  I regret that the most.         ~Vic

I’m not sure how long I sit in front of the computer staring at the screen, not rereading the message, but thinking of the line she wrote– I know you and I were never a love match, we filled a gap in each other’s lives.  I can’t stop thinking about it and wondering if I treated her well.  Did I fill her needs?

How did I not see this before?  I spent almost two years of my life with Victoria, but she’s right– we weren’t a couple.  Only in the public’s eye.  We were more roommates who had sex.  Really great sex, but that was it.  I can’t believe she even considered me a friend.

A real friend would have shared things.  I never told her the truth about me.  She didn’t know my father abandoned me.  All I ever said was he wasn’t around.  For all she knew, he was dead too, or abandoned my mom when she was pregnant with me.  I told Adriana, a woman who knew me less than a couple hours about him without even giving it a second thought.

Victoria was supposed to be my girlfriend, my partner.  We lived together, slept in the same bed, I told her I loved her– not many times, but I did say it.  

Why on earth would she stay with me knowing I couldn’t give her all of me?  Oh wait, she didn’t.  She fucked Grant.  I don’t blame her for wanting to find another man, but she should have left me when she took up with him.  I can’t forgive her for that.

Hours pass as I sit hovered over the computer screen contemplating the many ways I sucked as a boyfriend.  How many times Victoria should have left me.  Why I never felt comfortable letting her into my life completely.  Did I think there was someone else in her life and chose to ignore it?

I keep beating myself up and then telling myself I still didn’t deserve what she did to me.  It’s all so fucked up.  I’m fucked up.  I need to get my head straight.

I never thought I was one to waste time.  But, here I sit, for hours, doing nothing, but sitting in front of a computer screen unable to move or function because of an e-mail.  Now I’m questioning everything about myself.  

All my doubts, realizations, hurts, lead me to one conclusion… I’m a broken man.  Not worthy of the angel a few doors down from me.  The angel I’m hearing start up her shower?  What?  What the hell time is it?

Looking over to the bedside clock I have to check it several times because I can’t believe it’s almost 6:00 p.m.  I try to stand up, but my body revolts the movement.  Every part of me is sore from sitting stationary so long.

A shower is just what Tucker ordered.

      *****************

I’m restless after showering.  I know I have to see her soon.  See her face, her smile, and eyes that warm me from my heart all the way through to my soul.  But breaks me because she’ll never see me as anything more than a filler.  

I should head down to eat.  Try to make peace with her before her friends arrive, but I need a little more time.  A few more minutes.  I know I’m being a coward.  Mikos would tell me to man up.  Show that woman who’s boss, take what I want and leave with her wanting more.  But, I hate Mikos Stavros and never want to be like him.  I hate that he still enters my thoughts.  I wish I could forget I ever knew him– that he is my father. 

I stop and look at myself in the mirror.  My jeans are nothing spectacular, but they fit like I like them, a little low on my hips.  I have on my He Did It t-shirt with the words printed in an arrow facing left.  Eddie likes to wear his Nu-uh, He Did that faces right when we hang out together.  The thought makes me smile for the first time in hours.  I wish he was here.

I didn’t bother fixing my hair.  A simple run through with my fingers was all I managed.  My mood didn’t allow for primping in any capacity.  Even knowing I’d be seeing Adriana.  Guess she’ll be seeing the Tucker Stavros curls tonight.

Content with how I look, I head out of my room, closing my door quietly in hopes of not disturbing Adriana.  Maybe she’s downstairs already, but if she’s in her room getting ready I don’t want her rushing on my account.  Thinking she needs to be a good hostess.  I’m not sure I’m ready to see her yet anyways.

“Hi, Tucker.”

I whip around to Adriana trying to hide her giggle behind her hand, but one of her trademark snorts slip out and she blushes furiously.  Dammit, my dick jumps at the sound, my body tuned to the noises she makes.

She’s changed into some knee length black leggings that hug her curves perfectly and a long fitted green tank top.  Her hair is tied in a loose side pony tail making her appear younger, more innocent, more appealing to me.  I want nothing more than to slam into her, take her against the wall, remove all the innocence I see.  

“Adriana,” I manage to force past dry lips, trying to smile at her as I say her name.  I don’t want to go back to the awkwardness of the afternoon.  “Shall we go have some dinner?”  I offer her my hand against my better judgment, but I really need to feel her touch.  Need to know that I can do this.  Try to be her friend because not having her in my life is not an option for me.

She has gotten under my skin, into my bloodstream, and there’s no letting go of her now.  Even if she’ll never want me the way I want her, I can’t picture my life without her in it in some capacity.  I have to take whatever she’s willing to give and pray my heart can survive the fallout.

I let out the breath I wasn’t aware I was holding as she takes my hand and descend the stairs, hand in hand, with her.  I never knew such a simple act could fill me with such calm… such happiness, but her small hand engulfed in mine is the best feeling I’ve ever known.

I have to let go of her hand too soon.  Lose the warmth from her skin leaving me feeling lost and disconnected.  

Smiling at me, she walks to the fridge and buries her head inside.  I stare at her ass, willing my lower half to behave.  This one time to not wake up and wave at her.  She bends to grab something and my eyes follow the movement, gravitate to her perfect heart shaped ass.  I wonder what she would do if I came at her from behind, slipped my arms around her waist, and slid my hands to her breasts.

Alright, Tucker… enough!  Tucker Junior is so not going to behave if you keep thinking like that.

Popping up from behind the door, she catches me off guard.  I’m not sure if she knows I was ogling her, but it’s not me she’s paying attention to.  She’s looking over my shoulder at Alahna and Preston walking in.  I didn’t hear them knock, ring the doorbell, or whatever they did that notified Adriana they were here.  Once more, I was consumed by her and everything else faded away.

I walk straight to Preston feeling the need to make a statement.  I’m not one hundred percent sure what it is, but I want him to know I heard him last night.  Extending my hand to him, “Hey, man.  Good to see you again.”

“You, too.”  Son of a bitch has a mean handshake.  Can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to make a statement of his own.  “Sorry we’re a few minutes early.  Looks like we interrupted you’re dinner.”

I look over my shoulder where I see Alahna blocking Adriana from us and see her looking at Preston worriedly.  Shit.  What’s wrong with Adriana?  She makes some excuse about them needing to look at some work thing for the upcoming weekend, but I don’t buy it.

She keeps Adriana in front of her.  I’m sure so Preston can’t see her and assume I did something.  Oh, double shit!  This is about what happened between us this morning.  How could I be so stupid as to think she wouldn’t feel guilty when she saw Preston?  He’s Alex’s best friend.  

Dammit!

“No worries.  I’ll just go ask her if I should heat her up a plate while they go over their work stuff.  We’re having leftovers– nothing fancy for me to mess up,” I say with a shrug.  I’m sweating, hoping he doesn’t see how tense I am.

I walk down the hall and knock on Adriana’s office door.  Alahna’s huffed “what” makes me chuckle a little, but I pull myself together quickly and ask Adriana if I can make her a plate.  After getting her okay I head back to the kitchen.

“She hungry?” Preston asks.

“Yeah.  Said to make her whatever I’m having.”

“Just a heads up, she really likes ribs with pasta salad and zucchini bread.”  I look at Preston with my mouth hanging open, catching flies, not understanding why he’d want to help me.

“She’s my best friend.  I know what food she likes and I think it’s kind of bad ass that some hot shot movie star is in her kitchen making her food.  Figured I’d give you a break.  Don’t get used to it.”  He punches me in the arm like I saw friends do back in school, but no one ever did with me.

I give him a punch back with a smirk because I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know if I was supposed to punch him back.  This is all new territory for me.

I’m chatting with Preston about a movie I’m thinking of reading for when we hear the door open and the girls laughing.  Adriana’s snort is music to my ears.  I’d been worried the entire time they were in the other room.

My eyes lock on hers as soon as she’s in the kitchen and I can tell she’s been crying.  As much as I want to take her into my arms, I can’t.  I can’t bring attention to it and cause her to get upset again or give Preston a reason to kick my ass.

“Hey, Fists, why don’t we go pick out a movie so they can eat their dinner?”  Alahna smiles at me as she walks by, grabbing Preston’s hand along the way.  He’s looking at Adriana.  I’m sure he can tell she was crying too, but he doesn’t say anything.  He follows Alahna from the room, swatting her on the ass on the way out, her laugh tinkling behind her.

“You okay?” I ask now that we’re alone.  I get right in front of her, invading her personal space.  My worry over her has me feeling all caveman.

“I’m good, Tucker.  Thanks for checking and thanks for dinner.”

I grunt out something that resembles a “you’re welcome” and stare at her a minute until I’m sure she’s truly alright.  When I’m sure, I back away reluctantly, hating the loss I feel by the inches I move away.