Waking Up (52 page)

He decided he wanted more pictures of us, but he wanted them on the beach because he loved the water and one of the days he had the most fun with me was our day at the beach.  I didn’t know how I was going to make this work, but I knew I would need help.  I talked to Alahna at work the next day and she said to leave it to her.  She and Preston set the whole thing up.  Preston had a client who lived in Rye with a private beach on his property that he had told Preston he was welcome to use anytime and Alahna took the photos for us.  I was uncomfortable having my friends see me so intimate with Tucker, but his joy won me over and I let go.  I don’t know what to say about the pictures.  They were sensual and made us look like we were in love… a real couple.  

When I saw those pictures, I panicked.  I saw my eyes and how I was looking at Tucker.  I saw the happiness in them, the longing to be with him, but I know in my heart that he’s only getting half of me because half of me still belongs to Alex.  Every day I grow closer to Tucker, but every day I build a bigger wall to protect myself… and him.  Those pictures showed me why it’s important.  I could fall in love with Tucker.  I may already be falling, but it wouldn’t be all of me.  Part of me will never be his and it’s not right. 

So much of what has been happening with Tucker is wrong.  I have sex, incredible, my body has never felt so alive and cherished sex, but then I go to my room so I can talk to Alex.  I can’t let him go.  I do this every night.  Every night except his last night.

I know he thought I was going to blow him off after he asked me to stay with him.  I thought about it.  I was so torn.  I went to my room and talked to Alex, went searching for him, for his presence, but it wasn’t there.  That was my answer.  Alex wasn’t there because he’s gone.  Tucker needed me.  The guilt still ate at me knowing I wouldn’t be in my and Alex’s bed in the morning and I had to force myself to not look at it as I changed into pajamas.  I went to my bathroom, brushed my teeth, did my nighttime routine, and made my way to Tucker’s room.

I didn’t knock.  Maybe I should have, but instead I slowly opened the door.  In case he was already asleep, I didn’t want to startle him.  I heard him shift on his bed and knew he was awake.  The sniffle from across the dark room went all the way to my heart.  I caused that.  My feet carried me across the room lightning fast and I was on the bed wiping his tears away, apologizing for hurting him, kissing him.

We made love slowly that night with so much passion.  It was different from all the other times.  I fell asleep in his arms.

But, before I did, my brain reminded me that he is not the first man to claim me, although he is winning over my heart.  Another man has before.  Another man promised me the world, showed me what true love is.  Another man is my soul mate.

And that man is not Tucker Stavros.

Epilogue

The silence in the car is starting to suffocate me.  She hasn’t said two words to me since we made our great escape into the darkness twenty minutes ago fooling the paparassholes.  They had no idea I was still there or that Adriana is taking me to the airport this morning.  I thought she’d be a little giddy at sticking it to them, but she’s so solemn.  I hate knowing in a couple short hours I’ll be leaving her, but I’ll take this small win.  We beat the bad guys.

Reaching over, I take her hand in mine and flinch when she stiffens under my touch.  WTF?  After last night, I thought we were good.  Why does it feel like we’ve taken fifty steps back this morning?

“You alright, sweetness?”  
Do I really want to know the answer to this question?
 

She briefly glances at me and then back to the road.  That quick peek shows me so much sadness.  “I can’t believe you’re leaving already.”  Her voice catches and I squeeze her hand.  She doesn’t stiffen this time and I don’t force her to talk anymore.  There’s nothing else I can say.  I am leaving and I will be over three thousand miles away.  Our schedules will be hectic the next couple months, leaving us little to no time to travel or visit each other.  We’re in for a very trying start to this relationship.

I turn my head to the window and watch as everything floats by in a blur.  I wish my life were different.  I wish I didn’t have a contract.  If I didn’t have that I would move to New Hampshire, buy a house there to be closer to her, and really see where this could go.  Not have to try to start building a relationship seeing her through the damn computer.

The airport comes into view far too soon.  Why on earth did I let her talk me into flying out of the local airport?  That’s right.  She doesn’t like driving in Boston.  She parks in one of the public lots so she can walk in with me, giving me a little more time with her.  I want forever, but I can’t say that to her yet.  She’s not ready.  I throw my two duffel bags over my shoulder, slide my hat down, and adjust my sunglasses before grabbing her hand.  Together we walk into the airport and up to the ticket counter.  The lady at the counter can’t hide her enthusiasm at waiting on me and I want to tell her to be more professional.  She calls security up so I can have an escort to make sure I don’t get mobbed.  I explain to Adriana I’ll be seated in a special area until boarding and security will make sure no one harasses me.  She cracks a joke about how nice it must be to be so important.  I can’t believe how much I’m going to miss her.

“Mr. Stavros,” a male voice sounds behind me.  I turn around to see two security guards.  I ask them for a couple minutes and they nod.  I walk a few feet away to get a little privacy with Adriana.

“Did you set up Skype on your computer, sweetness?”  I don’t know why that’s all I can think to ask.  The tears in her eyes have me at a loss for words.

“Pres, set it up for me.”  She’s trying to fake a smile, but it isn’t there.

“Okay– good.  I’ll call you as soon as I land.  Let you know I made it home.”  The first tear falls down her cheek and I wipe it away.  Oh, shit.  This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be.  My heart can’t take leaving her behind.  I want to ask her to come with me, but she has a life here, friends, family, and a business.  I would be a selfish bastard asking that of her.

“It’s okay, sweetness,” I say, pulling her into my arms.  “We’ll talk every day.  I promise.  You may even get sick of me I’ll call you so much.”  I’m trying to joke about it, but I’m struggling to keep from crying myself.

“Just kiss me now, Tucker.”

I do as she asks.  Crushing my lips to hers, I kiss her with all the emotion I feel for her.  I don’t care that we’re in an airport with hundreds of people walking by.  All I care about is her knowing how much I want to make this work.  That she is my world.  

I can feel her tears on my face, hear her sobs through our kiss and before I can stop her, she pulls away.  “Have a safe flight.”  She’s wiping at her cheeks, trying again to smile at me, my tiny warrior.

“I will.”  I kiss her quickly again.  “See you soon.”  She shakes her head and I walk over to the security guards.  

They offer to take my bags, but I decline.  I walk a few feet and turn around to get one more glimpse of her, but she’s gone.  I stop walking and frantically search everywhere, but she’s nowhere.  She’s vanished like a rainbow when the sun gets too bright after the rain.  My eyes dart left to right, sure I must be wrong.  She must still be here trying to capture that last glimpse of me, too.  She wouldn’t just leave.  My hearts races and sweat beads on my forehead as I frantically pace side to side in search of the angel who brought me back to life.  But, everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, there’s no sign of her.

I guess I thought it would be like in the movies when you turn around and the person you love is running toward you calling your name.  But she’s just gone.  My heart plummets in my chest and shatters.  Reality dawns on me.

That kiss was her saying goodbye.

Acknowledgments

 I would like to say I’m going to be witty and charming with my thank yous, but I have too many people who helped me along the way and my brain might implode if I have to come up with that much awesomeness so how about I just get to it. . .

 First I have to thank my husband Marty for always supporting me.  For the endless hours he cuddled beside me on the couch, him playing his video games while I wrote, tried to write, and screamed at the laptop that it hated me because I couldn’t come up with a thought.  Although he’s a private guy he overcame his discomfort for me to chase my dream and publish a book and share so much of myself.  He’s watched me create public pages and he’s stood by me through it all without fainting.  I live every day with a real life book boyfriend at my side who I love with all my heart.

 To my three sons- Tannis, Aiden and Samuel, thank you for understanding that at times I was so lost with the voices I was having conversations with in my head that I couldn’t talk to you.  And thank you for knowing when I was typing I couldn’t hang out or play.  I loved every time you asked me about my book and for my younger boys I loved when you asked why you couldn’t read it.  I’m so proud to be your mom.  I love you all more than you know.  You inspire me every day.

 Mom-there is never a day in my life that I won’t thank you.  You’ve been my rock, my biggest fan, my best friend and the person who told me I can do anything.  Well, I just did the thing I’ve always wanted to do and I did it because I had a mom who raised me believing I could.  I love you.

 Amie-What can I say that is a big enough thank you?  Without you Waking Up wouldn’t have been written.  I didn’t even read romance novels until you introduced me to them.  You reawakened my need to write and you haven’t stopped supporting me since.  I’m beyond lucky to have you as my friend, neighbor, admin, beta reader, #1 and book bitch (did I miss any titles).  I’m just lucky to have you in my life.  I love you lady!

 My betas-Mom (sorry, I can’t call you Ellen), Amie, Michelle, Desiree, Tonya, Diane, Amy-Lynn, Lori, Stef, Dawn, Maria & Allison- I can’t thank you ladies enough.  You were at the start of this journey with me when I wasn’t sure I could do this.  Well… I did it and I owe so much of it to you.  Thank you for listening to all of my babble(we know I can babble-it’s my super power), helping me pick songs, put faces to my characters , critiquing my work and continually supporting me.  Knowing I had all of you in my corner made this journey so much more fun.  I love and treasure each of you.  I know a few of you read that line and are singing Bruno Mars right now.

 I met some unbelievably amazing people on this journey who helped me, mentored me, I became friends with and I fangirled over.

 Kathy from Panty dropping Book Blog I can never say thank you enough times to you!!!!  We internet met and became instant friends.  I trusted my book to you and I’m so glad I did.  You loved it and made it your personal mission to make sure everyone else did too.  Thank you for taking care of me, loving my story and believing in my characters.  You are the Super Pimp!  I can’t wait to see where this friendship takes us!

 To the following blogs-Panty dropping Book Blog, A Book Whores Obsession, Mackable Book Babes, Abby’s Book Blog,  A Risqué Affair Book Blog, and We Stole Your Book Boyfriend—thank you for being with me from the beginning.  There are so many amazing blogs that have stepped up and helped along the way and I can never tell you all how grateful I am for your help.  I would be nothing without the backing of all of you!  An author is only as strong as the blogs supporting them and I’ve been fortunate to have unbelievable blogs supporting me!  Thank you all!

 Heidi McLaughlin-you my friend are fucking amazing!  Not just your writing because that is beyond incredible, but in the way you handled me as well.  You took an insecure newbie who was afraid of letting anyone see her work and made me feel confident in my writing abilities.  You answered all my e-mails with patience and kindness and I know I sent a shit ton of them.  I had so many questions.  I will forever be a fan of yours (not just because you gave me Harrison, but yes because of him too.  Gah—I love him!)  You taught me how I want to be if I ever get to that level where a novice writer comes to me for help.  I only hope I can be half the person you were to me.  Thank you is not enough for the class you showed me and for your mentoring.  Much love to you!

 Kelly Elliott and Molly McAdams-I had planned to write a separate thank for you two, but I realized I started talking to you ladies at the same time, got introduced to your books around the same time, you both gave me the go ahead to reference your characters in my book around the same time and I found out you’re bestfriends.  Just seems mean to split you up.  So, I’m sending love and big hugs to both of you!  I fell in love with the gang from Wanted and I still cry over Chase just talking about him.  I knew the day I started thinking about Waking Up that I wanted Adri & Alahna to talk about these books.  I never in a million years thought I’d get either of your permission to be able to do it.  When you both did I danced, cheered and squeed for days.  You ladies are amazing and I hope you’re proud of what I’ve done.  There’s more to come in book two.  Thank you for continuing to write great stories.  I love you to the moon and back!

 S.K. Hartley- thank you, thank you, thank you for designing the beautiful cover for my book.  You brought my story to life with a picture and I LOVE it!!!!  It is beyond gorgeous!  You are talented my friend!!!!  I look forward to designing many covers with you and reading more of your books!  One of these days I’ll convince you to write me my own personal book boyfriend because you write some hot men!  I’ll take a combination of Logan, Tate, Ace and Angel—thank you very much!

 Kemmie Michaels and Ren Alexander, I will forever be grateful that I internet met you two.  I didn’t know what author takeovers were before you two, but I’m glad I lost my virginity to you ladies in an awesome threesome of bouncing between two blogs that night.  You ladies have been amazing and so supportive to me.  Kemmie I’ll always keep IBC in my fridge in case you find yourself wanting to take a trip to NH and then we can compare our fuzzy socks.  Ren, I’ll never be able to use sparklers without thinking of you.