Wanderlust (20 page)

Thank you for trying, Charlie. It really was an awful dilemma and all of their efforts had come to naught. What about taking them to Shanghai with us, and trying to place them there?

And what if no one takes them? The streets are teeming with abandoned children. You saw that for yourself. And leaving them there will be no different from leaving them untended here, except that it's not quite as cold. But at least here they have shelter, and enough food for a while, and it's familiar. Besides, the logistics of traveling almost a thousand miles by train with twenty-one tiny children seemed impossible to him and he wasn't far wrong. I don't even know if the authorities here would let us take them. The Japanese are a little touchy about who goes where with whom, at least in groups as large as this one.

Her eyes suddenly blazed again as she paced the orderly kitchen. If they're so touchy, why don't they take care of them. And then suddenly she remembered Ling Hwei's description of what they had done to her parents, and she realized that it was best if they didn't take the children. They would probably kill them all, as the most expedient way to solve the problem. She sat down on the bench next to Charles with a sigh, with no idea what to do. What if we wire the mother house of this order of nuns? Maybe they could send someone to help us.

Now there's a thought, if they answer us soon enough. They might have some interim arrangement to suggest. Or someone nearby whom they could send. His eyes lit up at the thought. We'll go to the train station and send a cable in the morning. Together, they rifled through the desk in the nuns' tiny bedroom, and easily found the address of the mother house in Lyon. It was the Order of Saint Michael, and they had both a phone number and an address.

Audrey was even tempted to try to call them. But Charles thought it would be a lot easier to send a wire, rather than struggling with impossible connections where nothing could be heard. Together, in the kitchen, they composed the cable by candlelight that night, and then slept in the two nuns' narrow beds, side by side, shivering in the cold, as Charles prayed for a rapid solution to their problems.

The cable he sent the next day was written in French, laboriously translated by Audrey and Ling Hwei, and although not as elegant as their English version, it explained the essentials to the nuns in France, REGRET TO INFORM YOU NUNS OF ST. MICHAEL AT ORPHANAGE HARBIN CHINA KILLED BY BANDITS IN REGION. TWENTY-ONE ORPHANS REMAINING IN ORPHANAGE IN NEED OF IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE, PLEASE ADVISE. He had signed it Parker-Scott with no explanation of who he was and only the name of the telegraph office in Harbin. And they waited two days for an answer from the nuns in Lyon as Audrey cared for the children and Charlie paced the kitchen. He had already threatened that whether they got an answer or not, he was leaving Harbin with her in one more day, even if he had to drag her to the station.

But the answer finally came, offering no relief at all. He came back to the orphanage to show the cable to Audrey and his face looked grim. He knew what was ahead of him now, and he didn't care what she said. They were leaving.

NOUS REGRETTONS. AUCUNE POSSIBILITE DE SECOURS AVANT FIN NOVEMBRE. VOS SOEURS AU JAPON COMBATTENT UNE EPIDEMIE PARMI LEURS CHARGES. L'ORPHELINAT A LINQING FERME DEPUIS SEPTEMBRE. NOUS VOUS ENVERRONS DE L'AIDE FIN NOVEMBRE. QUE DIEU VOUS. And it was signed. MER+e ANDR+e. Charles had almost hit his fist into the wall as he read it. His knowledge of French was such that he was able to understand all that he didn't want to in this case. It said that the nuns in Japan were fighting an epidemic among their charges and the other Chinese orphanage of the Order of Saint Michael had been closed since September. They promised to send help at the end of November, which was still a long time away. They included in the message a blessing for which Charlie did not give one good goddamn. He just wanted to get Audrey the hell out of Harbin within the next day or two, and now he wasn't at all sure how to do it. If he lied to her and told her that help was on the way in a matter of days, then she would insist on staying until they came. And she was too intelligent to be fooled. She would want to see the cable, and when he showed it to her at noon, her eyes were serious as she read it.

Now what do we do, Charlie? She looked deeply troubled as her eyes met his. It was a tough one.

He sighed before he answered her, knowing full well that it was going to be a battle. I think you're going to have to resign yourself to do something you don't like.

Her eyes grew hard, but he had already anticipated what she'd say and he was prepared to counter her arguments. What does that mean?

It means that, like it or not, you're going to have to leave, Audrey. They have shelter. They have enough food to last them for a while, and someone will take pity on them. It's only a matter of a month before the other nuns come.

And if they're delayed? If they don't come? If they're killed on the way like the others?

That's not likely.

Her jaw jutted out as she looked at the man she loved. Neither is my leaving.

He sighed again. The last few days had been exhausting and extremely unpleasant for him. You have to be reasonable, Aud. We have to get back. We can't fool around here forever.

We are not fooling around. We are taking care of these children.

I apologize for the unfortunate choice of words. A muscle in his neck went taut. The fact is we're leaving.

We're not. You are.

The hell I am, Audrey Driscoll. He stood up to face her and towered over her with a belligerent air. You're coming with me.

I am not leaving these children.

The older ones can take care of the others. He said it in desperation, frightened by what he saw in Audrey's face. There was a stubbornness that genuinely frightened him. He couldn't possibly leave her here in Japanese-occupied Manchuria. Just thinking of what had happened to the two French nuns made him shiver and he reminded her of it now in no uncertain terms.

I can take care of myself better than that.

Really? Since when?

Since always. I've been taking care of myself since I was eleven, Charlie.

Are you crazy? You've been living in a civilized American city, leading a pampered life in the home of your grandfather. What on God's earth makes you think that you're prepared to survive in Manchuria with Communist forces hiding around you, hostile Japanese, bandits everywhere, and people who don't give one good goddamn if you live or die? He was outraged that she could even think she was equipped to deal with all that. Absolutely nothing in her life had prepared her for this and he knew it, nothing except her own adventurous spirit and her father's damn photo albums. But this was real Those nuns with their heads cut off in the deserted chapel had been much, much too real, and he wasn't going to let anything like that happen to Audrey. But she was not thinking of herself, only of the children, as she looked at them now, and then back at him.

What makes you think that these children are equipped to deal with it if we leave them? Her eyes filled with tears at the thought. Most of them were so very, very young, and in the past few days she had grown attached to them, two of them were constantly fighting to sit in her lap, and one of them had clung to her in her bed all the night before, much to Charlie's dismay, and Ling Hwei and her sister, Shin Yu, were so gentle and trusting. How could she desert them now, and her eyes went back to Charlie now with a look of anguish.

I know, darling ' I know ' it's awful having to leave them. But we have to. The whole country is filled with sorrow and hunger and lost children, but you can't cure it all, and this is no different.

But it was different. It was different to her. She knew these children now, even if she didn't know their names. And she couldn't have abandoned them any more than she could have abandoned her sister, Annabelle, in Hawaii years before. She had taken her under her wing and had been caring for her for the last fifteen years, with the exception of the past six months. I can't leave them, Charlie, I just can't. Even if it means staying here for another month until the nuns come. His heart sank at her words, and he knew from the look in her eyes that she meant it. And she was no child. She was no eighteen-year-old girl he could push around and tell what to do. She had a mind of her own. It was that which frightened him now. What would he do if she seriously refused to leave China?

What if they don't come for six months, Aud? That could happen, too. The political situation could get so unpleasant here that they decide to abandon the orphanage altogether, and you could get trapped here for years. It was a frightening thought even to her, but she was determined not to leave these tiny faces and small clinging hands. She would not leave them to meet their fate here alone.

I suppose I have to take that risk, don't I? She spoke with a bravado that masked her own fears, but he watched her in dismay, sensing that something terrible was happening between them.

Audrey, please ' . He took her in his arms and held her and he could feel that she was shaking. He knew she had to be frightened of staying there alone, but he wasn't willing to stay for the next month or two or ten or twelve. He had to get back to London in the next few weeks. He was already nervous about the delay. But he had never been in a dilemma as awkward as this one. He couldn't just walk out on her here, that was an awful thing to do, but he couldn't stay indefinitely either. Nor did he want to leave her. He tried to explain it to her as the children clamored around their legs and she seemed to understand what he was saying. I've got to go back, Audrey. My work depends on it. And you really have no business staying either. You've told me that all along. What about those responsibilities you talk so much about?

Maybe, right now, this is more important. The way she said it hurt his feelings. Why was she ready to leave him but not these children?

What about us? He looked at her sadly. Don't you care about that?

Of course I do. She looked hurt by what he had just said. You know that I love you, her voice was husky and she dropped her eyes as she spoke to him, and then she raised them slowly to his again, but we have to be honest with each other, too. We would have to leave each other sometime anyway. And if you can't stay here with me, maybe that time is now. All I know is that right now, I can't leave these children, any more than I could have left Annabelle years ago, or you could have left Sean.

The mention of the little brother he had loved so much was almost a physical blow to him, and she could see him flinch almost as she said it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you ' I just ' She looked up at him with eyes filled with her own sorrow. It doesn't change anything between us. It just means I stay here for a little while before going home. As much as she hadn't been willing to leave him in Venice or Istanbul, she knew she had to now. She almost felt as though this had been put in her path as a kind of test, just as surviving her parents' death had been ' and being there for Annabelle ' and standing by Grandfather ' .

What if I marry you now, Audrey? She looked at him in amazement and he looked ravaged as he said the words.

Are you serious? She was stunned.

If that's what it will take to get you out of here, I am.

She spoke very quietly, touched, but confused by the offer. That's hardly a reason to get married, Charles.

It also happens that I love you.

So do I. You know that. But after Harbin? Then what? I can't leave my grandfather indefinitely.

You don't seem to be having any trouble with it right now. He looked hurt again and she couldn't remember a worse time in her life than this one.

This is only for a little while. I'm going home eventually. What about your moving to San Francisco?

He sighed and looked down at his hands, thinking for a moment before he raised his eyes to hers again and gave her an honest answer. You know I can't do that either. I can't sit in one place with the kind of work I do. I travel all over the world ten months of the year. You would have to come with me. Otherwise, there wouldn't be much point in being married, would there? But the real point was that they loved each other so deeply. This was the first stumbling block they had encountered, and it seemed insurmountable to both of them.

Her voice shook as she asked him the next question. Will you ever forgive me if I stay here?

The question is more will I ever forgive myself? I can't leave you here in Manchuria alone, Aud. I just can't! He slammed a hand into his fist with a look of anguish. Don't you understand that? I love you. I'm not going to desert you here. But I can't stay here forever. I have a contract and three deadlines. That's serious business for me.

This is serious business for these children, Charlie. It's their lives we're talking about. What if bandits come and kill them?

Bandits don't kill orphans. But they both knew that wasn't always true. Not in China.

The Japanese might hurt them, too. Anything is possible here. And the reality is that if you can't stay, you may just have to leave me. But Charlie, don't you understand that this is a choice I'm making for myself? I'm a grown woman. I have a right to make my own decisions ' just as I did in Venice when I got on the train with you, or in Istanbul, when I decided to come to China. This is my choice, too ' just like going home to Grandfather eventually. I have to follow my own destiny ' . She turned away from him for a moment. I only wish ' She began to cry at the words. I only wish that my destiny were the same as yours. But right now, I don't think it can be. She turned huge, sorrowful eyes up to his. You have to leave me here, Charlie. For the sake of the children. And then she said something that really shocked him. What if one of these children were ours? What if someone could save our child and didn't? The very thought of sharing a child brought them closer together even as they stood there.

If we had a child, I would never let you out of my sight again. He spoke with such intensity that she smiled, and then he suddenly looked worried. Is there any chance of that right now? He had hardly worried about it since Istanbul, but she seemed to have gotten the hang of calculating her dangerous time and she was good about warning him when they shouldn't make love. Neither of them wanted an unplanned child, but suddenly he wondered. The way she had said it brought the possibility to mind, and not for the first time.