Wanderlust (38 page)

Didn't you think I'd find out?

Are children so very important to you, Charles? But she already knew the answer to that, she had learned it watching him play with Molly and Alexandra and little James. You don't need children to be fulfilled, you know. You have your work. And we have each other.

What an empty life that is. He looked sadly at her. How little she knew of life, or of him. I suppose I should wait a week or two to tell you this ' until you're on your feet again. She suspected what was coming next, and she looked up at him sadly. She had wanted him for such a long time, like a rare, rare diamond she wanted to own. But I don't want to string you along with lies. I'm leaving you. The joke is over now. We can go back to our own lives. You have your own flat and I have mine, and everything will go back to the way it was before, except that I won't be seeing you again. Someone else can handle my work, perhaps your father would like to take it on again, but that's the least of our problems. I'll call my solicitor when I get back to town.

Why? ' why are you doing this? She struggled to reach for his hand but he eluded her and she was barely able to move after her surgery the night before. What difference does it make if there's no child?

I could live with that ' but what I can't live with are lies. You trapped me into marrying you. You wanted to own me, like a piece of property. And I can't be bought, or trapped, or caged, or made to write on cue like a dancing dog. The only hope we had of something decent growing between us was that child. And that child was a lie.

I called your father and told him what had happened to you, and he's on his way down from London now. I'll wait until he arrives and then I'm going back with Vi and James. Violet says you can stay at the house for as long as you like when you get out of hospital, and I'll let you explain it to your father if you like. I don't want to embarrass you. But I don't want to be married to you either. I'm sure you'll thank me someday. And with that, he turned and walked out of her room, and stood on the street outside, staring up at the sky. It was as though Charlotte had never entered his life at all, and all he could think of suddenly were Ushi and Karl, and the love they had shared, the love that was so like the one he had known with Audrey before, and suddenly all he wanted to do was go back to her. He looked like a new man when he returned to Antibes and stormed into the house.

What time do we leave? he asked Vi and she stared at him.

I thought you wanted to wait until Charlotte's father arrived.

He'll be here tonight and he's staying at the Carlton in Cannes anyway.

I suppose the four o'clock train tomorrow would do. I'll ask James, and then cautiously, by the way, Audrey called again. She's back in London now. He nodded, his eyes locked in hers. She said to say hello to you. He nodded again, and then left the room with a worried frown.

He didn't see Charlotte again, and he spoke to her father at the Carlton on the phone. The conversation was terse and he seemed to be under the impression that Charlotte had had a miscarriage as well as appendicitis, but Charles refused to explain any of it to him. That was her problem. She had told the lies. Let her explain it to him.

His only problem was seeing Audrey again, and convincing her that he wasn't a total fool. There was always the possibility that she wanted nothing more to do with him. And that was what he had to find out now.

Charles rode back on the train to London with Vi and James, and the children, and their nurse, in three private compartments on the night train. Vi left most of the servants in Antibes. They were mostly French, and she only brought the butler and housekeeper down from London every year to oversee things, but they had taken an earlier train that morning so as to be there when Vi and James arrived. And as usual, when they did, everything was in perfect order at the house in London.

Do you want to come in for a little while, Charles? Lady Vi was holding Alexandra's hand, and James was helping to sort through the luggage, determining who belonged to what and what went to whose room. Most of it was Vi's, with second place going to Lady Alexandra, most of whose clothes Violet bought in Paris every year.

Charlie seemed to hesitate for a moment and she smiled. He looked very young suddenly and she felt sorry for him. He had had a terrible shock in the past two days, and she knew he had taken it very hard. They had talked about it quietly on the train while James slept, and he had admitted to Lady Vi how much he had wanted the baby. And in some ways it surprised her. He had always seemed like such a free and easy person, she couldn't imagine him wanting to get tied down now. But it seemed to be the only consolation for him in marrying Charlotte.

She'll agree to a divorce, of course, won't she? She had assumed that Charlotte would be reasonable now that he knew the truth about the baby, but Charlie had shaken his head with a glum look as she stared at him.

She's Catholic.

Vi looked shocked. That was the excuse she used about the abortion ' she can't be serious about refusing to let you go now. She married you on the basis of fraud, for heaven's sake.

I know. But she says she won't agree. She's still talking about the great things she can do for my career. He had sighed and the conversation had gone nowhere. She wanted him to take some time to think it all out, while she recovered, and she was expecting to see him when she got back to London in a few weeks.

But his mind was far from Charlotte now as he hesitantly stepped into Vi and James's front hall and looked around as though expecting to see Audrey leap at him from a doorway.

She might be out. Vi whispered to him, knowing what he was thinking and he turned to smile at her, but the moment he did, he heard Audrey's voice, and turned to see her coming slowly down the stairs. Her face looked drawn despite her summer tan and her eyes were filled with grief. She had done nothing but think of Ushi and Karl since she got home, and it was easy to see how devastated she was by what had happened on the train.

She checked on the stairs for only an instant when she saw him and then came to kiss Vi, and then James, and then the children, and then she turned to him with a look of sorrow in her eyes. Hello, Charles. How was the trip?

Fine. He felt like a schoolboy. Are you all right? He took a step toward her as she nodded and for a moment Violet thought he was going to kiss her. And as though Audrey sensed it too, she stepped back and they stood awkwardly in the hall for a moment, as Vi took off her hat, and shooed the children upstairs with their nanny and then suggested that they all have a cup of tea. It had been an emotional week for all of them, although Audrey did not yet know of what had happened to Charlotte.

They all went into the library to sit down, and Violet disappeared to speak to the cook, and a moment later James went to discuss something with the butler, and suddenly Audrey found herself alone with Charles, and the moment was extremely awkward. She assumed that Charlotte had gone directly to the office, or their flat, and she was suddenly wondering about the wisdom of staying with James and Vi, if it meant seeing Charlie all the time. Antibes had been painful enough without repeating it now. She took refuge in talking about Karl, and she had to stop several times as she tried to explain to Charles what had happened.

It was ' the ' most ' terrible thing I've ever seen ' . She couldn't erase the memory of when they'd taken Karl off the train and Ushi had begun to scream ' and then later, seeing him with blood caked around his head, and led off in chains. Oh Charlie, as she said his name, it sounded like old times to him, what will happen to her now? She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to regain her composure, and suddenly she felt him touch her hand.

You have to try to forget it. His voice was gentle but her eyes flew open wide.

Forget it? How could I possibly ever forget it?

You won't. But there's nothing you can do now.

And torturing yourself won't help. The memory will dim in time. He looked at her very intently. Most things do. She was inclined to disagree with him, and it was as though he read her mind, and knew exactly what she was thinking. But not all. The words were barely more than a whisper as their eyes held. I know this isn't the right moment to tell you, but ' He took a breath and went on, ' I left Charlotte in Antibes.

Audrey wasn't sure she understood him, but he said it so intensely. Will she be back soon?

He shook his head. I mean I left her. I want a divorce.

Good God, Charlie! What happened? She looked stunned, almost as stunned as he still felt.

She lied to me about the baby.

Audrey looked shocked. You mean it wasn't yours?

No, I mean it wasn't anyone's. She wasn't pregnant.

Are you sure? Audrey couldn't begin to imagine telling a lie like that. Maybe she lost it.

But he only shook his head again. She had appendicitis, and we had to take her to the hospital. They operated, and I warned the doctor that she was pregnant. He laughed bitterly and sat back in his chair, remembering the moment when the doctor had told him the truth. He must have thought me a damn fool anyway. He said she had a hysterectomy several years ago. He sighed and tried to smile at the woman he still loved. She admitted it to me the next day. I think she felt the end justified the means. But I'm afraid I don't agree. The only thing I wanted out of that marriage was the baby.

Audrey was not surprised, but the rest of the story shocked her profoundly. Will she agree to a divorce?

Not yet. But she will. There's really no other way. I'm not going to stay with her now. We agreed that it was just for the child, and I told her I didn't love her when we got married.

Audrey was looking at him strangely, and the shock of Karl's death came instantly to mind again. She remembered how Ushi had loved him. What if she had known he would die only a few weeks later? Would she have done anything differently in that case? Suddenly it cast a different light on everything and she didn't have the heart to be angry with Charlie. I'm sorry, Charlie. She looked into his eyes, and he saw the same gentleness and compassion he had always found there, and for the first time in two days, he smiled, and he meant it.

I'm not sure I am ' . And then, without further ado, he reached for her hand, and held it close to his heart. Can you ever forgive me? He put her fingertips to his lips and she smiled at him. This time she did not pull her hand away, she only looked at him, trying to absorb all that had happened to them both in so few days.

There's nothing to forgive, Charles. I couldn't come with you when you needed me.

I understand that better now. But I was so angry at the time. I wanted you to come with me so desperately. Her staying in San Francisco didn't seem so unreasonable to him now, but at the time it had driven him mad. I wanted to come back and forget you ' and I tried. He smiled sheepishly and her eyes smiled in answer. And Charlotte helped certainly. His eyes clouded as he said her name. I never realized how determined she was to get what she wanted. It's frightening really. Audrey nodded, suspecting too that she wasn't going to give him up as easily as he thought.

What did you tell her when you left?

That it was over. Permanently. I didn't want there to be any doubt in her mind. And now he looked at Audrey and spoke directly to her. Or in yours ' if it's of any interest to you.

She grinned at him, looking suddenly girlish. It might be. And then suddenly there was laughter in her eyes. Life was too short to waste a moment with someone one loved as much as she did Charlie. ' If you play your cards right ' .

Aha! So that's it ' you're going to make me dance, are you? He was suddenly laughing too, and his heart felt lighter than it had in a year ' in fact, since he had left her in China.

I just might, Charles Parker-Scott. After all, you deserve it ' running off and marrying someone else. She looked at him with mock outrage and put a hand on her hip. What a rude thing to do! He laughed harder and pulled her toward him so he could kiss her. And it was at exactly that moment that Vi walked back into the room.

Ooops ' sorry ' . She turned on her heel with a satisfied smile and was about to leave when Audrey called her back. I don't want to interrupt anything important.

Quite all right, Charlie grinned, Audrey was just outlining a course of torture for me ' to make me pay my dues, as it were. His eyes sobered for only a moment. Not that I blame her.

Quite right. Lady Vi agreed. You deserve to be horsewhipped, Charles, after what you put the poor girl through.

The poor girl? The poor girl! Think of me! I quite assure you I didn't have much of a good time with the old girl either!

Lady Vi looked at him disapprovingly and Audrey smiled. It was odd how suddenly it was all so funny, and only a few hours before it was a stone in her heart from which she doubted she would ever recover. Audrey looked at him seriously for a moment. Are you sure it's over, Charles?

It should never have begun. I was terribly, terribly stupid.

And now?

I hope I'm a great deal smarter. I'll give up Beardsley as my publishers if I have to.

I don't think Mr. Beardsley would be foolish enough to let you do that, James added as he walked into the room, carrying a decanter. A bit of sherry anyone?

The ladies agreed and Charles suggested something a trifle stronger. Suddenly he wanted to celebrate. He didn't know what would happen yet, but he felt freer than he had in a long, long time, and suddenly they all seemed so lucky to be alive. And in an odd way, what they had felt was like a gift from Karl and Ushi Rosen.

They tried calling Ushi to comfort her that night, but her father said that she wasn't speaking to anyone, and they could tell from his voice that they were still distraught about what had happened.

It's difficult to believe, isn't it, Aud? Charlie had his arm around her as they sat in front of the fire in the darkened library. James and Vi had already gone to bed and they had been talking for hours, about the past year, about Ushi and Karl, about her grandfather ' and even Charlotte. Life is so much too short ' you never know what a great gift you have, until you've lost it.