Wanted by Her Lost Love (8 page)

T
he admission was stark, so plainly and painfully laid out. Almost as if he wasn't happy with the truth of the words but said them all the same. He stared at her, his discomfort growing by the second.

She stared back, baffled and unable to form a single-word response to his declaration.

He didn't love her. Didn't trust her. He believed the absolute worse about her. All he seemed willing to accept was that her child was his—and only because his brother had claimed to have worn a condom.

But he wanted to marry her.

She laughed.

It was a hysterical, shrill, unpleasant sound.

His eyes narrowed. “That wasn't exactly the reaction I'd hoped for.”

Her own eyes widened. “Was that a proposal?”

She swallowed the laughter this time because he was wearing an extremely dark, agitated look.

He gripped the back of his neck. “No, yes, maybe. I'd like that to be where we end up. But we've got a long way to go before we get there. I just want you to say that you still care. Enough to want to stay and work things out. We'll take it slow. One day at a time. I won't let anything happen again like what happened at lunch.”

“And how are you going to do that?” she asked softly. “How can you make your family or your acquaintances accept me? And they don't, Ryan. You always told me I imagined it, but let's be honest here. Your mother couldn't stand me. Your friends couldn't understand what you saw in me. And it's obvious your brother thought I was unfaithful. An opinion you adopted.”

He rose abruptly. She slid off his lap and onto the mattress as he stood by the bed, his hand still at his nape.

“You said you didn't want to talk about the past. Either we're going to or we aren't, but none of this pick and choose your shots.”

He dropped his hand and then leaned over her, planting his hands on either side of her legs. “Just answer the question, Kelly. Are you going to stay? Do you even want to try? Are you willing to work this out so that maybe we can be happy together again?”

He asked it as though it was something she could answer immediately. It wasn't a simple matter. No matter which way she answered, she would be hurt.

She licked her lips. Her heart screamed at her that she was an idiot to get involved with him again. Her head told her that without trust their relationship was doomed from the start, and he'd already proved he had absolutely no faith in her.

Was she willing to put herself in a position where everyone else's word would be taken above her own?

But something deeper, beneath the pain and the anger
and the betrayal, stirred and twisted within her at the thought of being together with Ryan again.

She told herself that there was nothing wrong with staying with him until her child was born so she'd have a safe haven and a place to live. Food to eat. She'd have comfort. All the things she'd been denied for the past six months.

But she also knew she couldn't stay with him without involving her heart again. So the decision was whether she wanted to forgive and forget and move on or whether she wanted to make a clean, permanent break and move on, whatever that entailed.

Or maybe she should settle for a few stolen moments with a man she loved and hated with equal fervor.

The longer she was silent, the more the hope faded in Ryan's eyes. He seemed resigned to her inevitable rejection, and she couldn't help but draw the parallel between now and the time she'd stood so vulnerable in front of him, begging for his trust, his love, his support.

The idea of revenge didn't appeal. It left a heavy feeling of sadness and brought her no happiness and certainly no peace.

She was a fool. And that too brought her no peace.

“I'll stay,” she said in a voice devoid of the joy the decision should have brought.

Though it was lacking in her own tone and expression, hope flared back to life in Ryan's eyes. He gripped her arms and then slid his hands up over her shoulders and neck to gently hold her in place as he pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

There was a wealth of emotion conveyed in the simplest touch of his mouth. His breath came in ragged spurts from his chest and for the first time she realized how much he'd feared her rejection.

She wasn't a huge believer in karma but now she wondered if this was his penance. To feel as she had felt so many months before.

But that thought brought her no satisfaction either. She wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

He drew away and brushed the hair from her cheek and continued to stroke the contours of her face.

“Spend the afternoon with me, Kell. You need to eat. I'll order us food and we can go eat on the beach. Watch the sun go down. I had Jansen pack a bathing suit for you if you'd like to go in the water.”

She reached for the hand that rested against her cheek and curled her fingers around it, holding it there for a long moment.

“I'd like that,” she finally said.

 

She and Ryan strolled to the same umbrella she'd used for her nap earlier that morning and he spread out a blanket on the sand. After he was satisfied she would have a comfortable seat, he helped her down and then began unpacking the picnic basket prepared by the restaurant.

He settled beside her and they began to eat.

Kelly stared out over the water as she munched on one of the tasty little confections whose name escaped her. It had cheese and shrimp. She wasn't sure of the other ingredients, but it was good and she was starving.

The sky had started to soften. Wispy pastel tendrils flirted across the horizon as the sun sank lower. She closed her eyes and allowed the breeze to soothe her fried nerves.

She'd expended more emotional energy over the past months than she had in a lifetime. She wanted to exist free of distress. Just for a little while. She wanted to forget the nights she'd been unable to sleep for crying or the nights
she'd lain awake hurting so much that she'd wondered if it would ever stop.

Here she just wanted to be. Here she could at least pretend that the past six months hadn't happened. This could very well have been her honeymoon. A romantic island getaway.

Ryan had certainly played the part of the solicitous husband.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Slowly she dropped her gaze from the vivid splash of blue and turned her head to Ryan.

“I was thinking that it's easy to pretend here.”

The blue in his eyes deepened until it ran darker than the water rolling onto shore.

“We could pretend,” he acknowledged. “But we don't have to.”

“So did you get things straightened out at the building site?” she asked, not wanting to delve into pretend versus real. They were supposed to forget the past. At least for this week. That didn't leave a whole lot to talk about.

“Just a misunderstanding. I should have it cleared up by tomorrow. I have a joint meeting in the morning with the local contractors and the man we hired to oversee the project. If all goes well, I'll be finished and we'll have a few days to do what we want.”

“When do you have to be back in New York?” she asked carefully. Because she knew the whole fantasy would come to a screeching halt once that happened.

“I don't know yet. I'm not in a hurry,” he said as he studied her. “Right now I prefer to concentrate on the time we have here together.”

She nodded, her acceptance coming a little easier now that she'd had more time to grasp the idea.

“Will you sleep with me tonight, Kelly?”

Her eyes widened.

He cursed. “That came out completely wrong. I'd like for us to sleep together. Actually sleep. In the same bed. I'd like to hold you again. Nothing more. Just let me hold you.”

The idea of lying in his arms, of snuggling into his body and tangling her legs with his… It was so compelling that she suddenly wanted it more than her next breath.

Taking a deep breath, she nodded.

He reached over, took her hand and simply held it, their fingers wound tightly. He leaned back and positioned himself up on his elbow at an angle and then pulled her so she could rest against his chest.

They remained that way until hotel workers came out to light the torches along the beach as dusk deepened and the stars began to pop in the sky.

Soft music floated from down the beach where an outdoor lounge area was located. The notes with the waves made for incomparable music.

She leaned her head back in the crook of his neck and gazed dreamily up at the sky now that the umbrella had been folded down. He turned his face so that his lips brushed across her cheek in a kiss and then he too glanced skyward.

“Make a wish,” she murmured.

“I have my wish. Now make yours.”

She took a deep breath and held it for a long second. Then she closed her eyes and made her wish. Sadness crept in and took hold because she knew that some wishes couldn't come true.

After a moment, Ryan stirred under her and then carefully pushed her upward so he could move from behind her. He got to his feet, dusted sand from his jeans and reached down for her hand.

Thinking he was ready to head back to their suite, she let him pull her up. But instead of walking toward the hotel, he took her closer to the water's edge.

Moonlight splashed like silver across the surface of the water. The sky was filling rapidly with stars, scattered like fairy dust across the horizon.

How fanciful she was tonight. Wishes and fairy dust. It seemed appropriate for such a magical setting, though. Maybe she'd wake up in the morning and this would have all been a dream.

If that was the case, she was determined to exist in her dream world for as long as possible.

Without a word, Ryan took her in his arms and began to move to the distant strains of music. He gathered her close and she tucked her head beneath his chin, leaning into him as they swayed in time with the ocean and the soft melody lilting through the air.

Closer and closer they melted together until they were barely moving at all. She was tucked securely against his body, a perfect fit.

He laid his cheek atop her head and turned slowly, his feet guiding their rhythm.

Finally they stopped moving at all and stood locked together as night fell around them. He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her head.

She tilted back so that she looked into his eyes and she saw need and desire, but she also saw hope.

Her eyelids grew heavy as he slowly, ever so slowly, lowered his head until their mouths were so close but not yet touching. The moment stretched on, their breaths mingling, their gazes never breaking apart.

As the music drifted quietly away, he kissed her.

It was the most romantic, exquisite kiss she'd ever been given. It was a kiss that told her more than words
ever could that this man cherished her. He wanted her. He would have her.

And when he finally pulled his mouth away, he tugged her into his arms and stood holding her tight as the moon bathed them in pale light.

K
elly pulled the nightgown over her head and warily glanced down her body. There was no doubt the garment was beautiful. A concoction of lace and satin that floated over her skin and molded to all the contours.

But she felt far too exposed. Her breasts looked too…big. Her belly looked enormous. Thank God she couldn't see her feet.

She eyed her door, knowing she was supposed to go to Ryan's room after she'd undressed for bed, but she couldn't seem to make herself take those few steps.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Ryan. No, it was herself she didn't trust. She'd already made a big enough fool of herself when it came to this man. Once back in his arms, snuggled up close to him, she'd probably lose what little common sense she had left.

She sighed and sank onto the edge of her bed. Her hesitation was just another sad indication of the rift in
their relationship. She'd never been inhibited around Ryan before.

He'd often be propped up in bed with his laptop, his brow creased in concentration as he worked on who knew what. She'd crawl into bed with exactly nothing on and tease and taunt him until his laptop and work were forgotten.

He used to laughingly say that he knew better than to bring work home because she never let him get away with it.

And now she couldn't even bring herself to walk into his bedroom.

A knock sounded at her door and then it opened a crack. Ryan stuck his head in. He stopped when he saw her sitting on the bed.

“Everything okay?”

She nodded.

He eased the door all the way open and walked in. He stood in front of her for a moment and then sat down on the bed next to her. He didn't say anything. He simply laid his hand on her lap, palm up, and waited for her to take it.

After a moment, she slid her hand over his. He twined his fingers through hers and squeezed gently. Then he stood and pulled her to her feet.

“We're both tired,” he said. “Let's turn in and we'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here.”

That didn't sound like the Ryan she knew. He was a man who planned everything to the nth degree. He had schedules, lists, planners, calendars. He not only worried about tomorrow, but the next year as well.

He led her into his bedroom and motioned for her to get into bed. He hung back, maybe out of deference to her obvious unease. Taking a deep breath, she crawled beneath
the covers and turned so she'd face away from him when he got in.

The bed dipped behind her, and she felt his warmth as soon as he slid beneath the covers. He moved about for a few seconds and then the next thing she knew, he was flush against her back.

He wrapped one arm over her and pulled her in close. He nuzzled her hair before resting his cheek over her ear.

It was all she could do not to break down. It had been so long and it felt so right. Just like so many other nights in his arms. She'd missed him. Unbelievably, she'd missed him.

“No past,” he murmured in her ear. “Just us. Right now.”

She closed her eyes. It had been stupid to agree not to bring up the past. They might not talk about it but it loomed over them like a cloak of doom. It lay between them, awkward and unwieldy. There was no forgetting the past.

What they were doing was called denial. And it wasn't particularly effective.

He kissed her neck and snuggled a little closer. He cupped his hand over her belly affectionately. But the moment was bittersweet. This was how it should have been between them all along.

“Relax and go to sleep, Kell. I just want to hold you.”

And oddly enough it was what she wanted too.

 

When Kelly opened her eyes, the first thing that registered was how comfortable she was. And warm. The second thing she realized was that she was on top of Ryan.

Not just on top of him, but sprawled across him as if she owned him. Her cheek was plastered to his shoulder and her forehead pressed against the side of his neck.

It was the way she'd woken every morning when they'd lived together.

Appalled that she could betray herself like this, she started to ease away but Ryan tightened his arm around her.

“Don't go. This is nice.”

She raised her head and stared into eyes that were unclouded with sleep. Evidently he'd been awake for a while and content to lie there with her draped over him like a blanket.

“One thing hasn't changed,” he said as he touched her cheek. “You're still beautiful when you wake up.”

She soaked in the words, her heart tugging at the sincerity in his voice. Before she could question her sanity, she slowly lowered her mouth and touched it tentatively to his.

He seemed surprised and pleased by her taking the initiative. He lay still while she carefully explored his firm mouth.

She licked over the closed seam, and when his lips parted, she slid her tongue lightly over his bottom lip before moving inward to rasp over the end of his tongue.

Strong hands gripped her upper arms, holding her in place as he began to kiss her back. Softly at first, as if he was wooing her, and then harder. His breath sped up and came in little bursts through her mouth.

He sucked at the tip of her tongue and then she nipped at his when he let her go.

Before she realized it, she was on her back and he was over her, his knee between her legs as he devoured her mouth.

Hot. Breathless. Fast and hard and then slow and gentle.

With one hand he popped the two tiny buttons that held the bodice together. The material separated and her breasts
strained precariously out of the gown. The satin caught on her hard, erect nipples and he tugged insistently until one breast came completely free.

He cupped the plump mound and then lowered his head, sucking the nipple into his mouth.

A shot of adrenaline slivered through her veins, edgy and sharp. She twisted restlessly beneath him as he sucked harder. She plunged her fingers through his short, cropped hair and then gripped the back of his head, holding him in place as she silently begged for more.

He pulled at her nipple, drawing his head back until the taut nub came free of his mouth. Then he lifted his gaze to meet hers and butterflies scuttled around her belly when she saw the look in his eyes.

“I want to make love to you, Kell. I need you so much. But I won't do this if it's only going to make things worse. You have to want this as much as I do.”

“I want it more,” she said hoarsely. And that was the truth. She'd always wanted him more. Craved him. Missed him when he wasn't with her.

Seeing him now, having him over her, his mouth on her, brought back those memories—happier memories—when things were perfect between them.

But had they been? Ever? Really?

She shook off the dark shadow that plagued her and reached up to caress his cheek.

“I need you, too.”

Fire exploded in his eyes. Satisfaction and triumph glittered brightly as he swept down to claim her mouth again.

When he finally pulled back, he eased to the side and gathered her in his arms, holding her as if she was a precious piece of glass he was afraid might break.

For the longest time, his gaze stroked over her while
he reacquainted himself with her all over again. Then he slid his hand over her shoulder and eased the strap of her gown down her arm.

He moved to the other side and hooked one finger in the strap, pulling it down until the gown bunched over the ball of her belly.

Levering up on one elbow, he coaxed her to lift her hips so he could pull the gown completely free. He worked it down her legs and then tossed it over the edge of the bed.

Now she was only clad in her underwear and it didn't feel like any sort of barrier to his gaze or his touch.

He cupped his hand just above her pelvis and caressed the round, firm bulge of her abdomen.

“Our baby,” he said hoarsely.

Then he hovered over her and lowered his head so that his mouth pressed to the center of her belly in a tender kiss.

The gesture brought tears to her eyes, stinging the lids, and she swallowed against the quick knot that formed in her throat.

“Beautiful,” he murmured. “I regret that I've missed watching her grow, watching you expand and watching your shape change. You're so unbelievably sexy.”

“Her? You think it's a girl, too?”

Ryan smiled down at her. “You always say her. I guess I've just gotten used to it. I really don't care if it's a girl or boy. I just want you both to be okay.”

She felt a little light-headed, as if she had an alcohol buzz without the alcohol.

He trailed his fingers lower, to her pelvis and through her damp, slick folds. She jumped in reaction when he brushed over her clitoris and then she moaned when he delved lower and carefully dipped the tip of his index finger inside her warmth.

“I love how you respond to me. I've always loved it.”

She shifted restlessly as he continued his gentle exploration of her sensitive, quivering flesh. Already she was on edge, so close, and he'd only begun touching her.

She was impatient, wanting him now, but she also didn't want the sensation to end too quickly. After months without him, she wanted to savor every single moment with him.

“Spread your legs for me,” he murmured.

Helpless to deny him, she relaxed her thighs and let them fall open as he moved down the bed. For a moment he got up and then he put his knee on the mattress, crawling between her thighs.

His eyes smoldered with heat and desire as he stared hungrily at her. Then he lowered himself, inserting one hand between her thighs to push them further apart.

She inhaled sharply and held her breath in anticipation as his head went down. He kissed her folds, right over her clitoris. Just a gentle, featherlike touch that had her spasming in need.

With careful fingers, he parted her flesh, exposing her to his mouth. He kissed her again, this time directly on the puckered, taut nub. Even as she arched, his tongue swept out and he licked from her opening to the top of the delicate hood that encased her most sensitive flesh.

She closed her eyes. Her fingers curled into tight balls, gathering the sheets and then releasing them once more as her body flew in about a dozen directions.

It was intense. It was wonderful. It was beautiful.

Something inside her shattered—or it felt like it. Wave after wave of sharp pleasure rolled over her with rigid intensity.

She panted softly, her breath squeezing from lungs
that felt robbed of air. Her hips lifted rhythmically off the mattress as he nuzzled her down from her orgasm.

When she gathered her senses and looked down, he was staring at her, satisfaction burning brightly in his blue eyes. There was a fierceness there that made her shiver, as if he was sending a silent message.
You're mine.

With his hands cupped underneath her legs, he raised himself up. He pushed back enough that she was completely exposed to him and then reached between them to position himself at her opening.

She gasped at the hot, hard feel of him barely breaching her. And then he slid all the way in with one push.

It was enough to send her spiraling into another fast, reckless orgasm. She was still coming when he pulled back and pushed in again. Her body clutched desperately at him, hugging him tightly.

They both let out harsh sounds as he cupped her buttocks and lifted her so his angle put him even deeper.

“I can't hold on,” he said. “It's too good. It's been too long. I'm sorry, baby.”

She reached for him, clutching at his shoulders and pulling him to her. Still, he braced his hands on either side of her, holding his weight off her belly so that he didn't crush her.

He thrust, harder this time and she felt the shudder roll through his body as he held himself deep inside her.

He kissed her. Hungry. Passionate. With more desperation than she'd ever experienced from him. Their lovemaking had always been good, but he'd never lost control so quickly.

She kissed him with just as much hunger, her hands sliding down his back and then up again to hold his head to hers.

His hips trembled against her. They lay locked together,
with him barely holding himself off her. Wanting that closeness to him—especially now—she urged him over to his side, rolling with him so they stayed together.

Their limbs were tangled, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, and he was still pulsing deep inside her body.

She tucked her head underneath his chin and breathed deeply of his scent, felt the erratic thump of his heart against her cheek.

It was easy to forget all that had happened between them. It was easy to forget the months of pain and loneliness. It was easy to imagine that they'd never been apart and that they were home in bed, just waking in Ryan's apartment—their apartment.

And just for a moment, she refused to allow the hazy euphoria to evaporate under the weight of reality.