What a Boy Needs (22 page)

I shake my head. Of course he had to get that last jab in. I don
'
t bother to set him straight
,
but I also can
'
t stop wondering what he was going to say.

***

I
'
m still pissed when I open the door to our room. It all gets forgotten when I see Priscilla standing with her back to me and hear her arguing on the phone.

"
It
'
s my choice. You promised. It
'
s too late now.
"

It might be a
janky
thing to do
,
but I stand in the doorway
,
listening. It
'
s not like I
'
m eavesdropping. She can turn around and see me at any second
,
and it
'
s not like I snuck in.

For a few seconds she holds the phone
,
listening to whoever is on the other end.
"
Don
'
t worry. I get it. I know it
'
s not what Daddy wanted. You don
'
t have to keep reminding me.
"

This time her voice has an added sadness that I don
'
t like. It makes me open my mouth and say
,
"
You okay
,
Priscilla?
"

She whips around to face me
,
but she doesn
'
t speak
,
obviously listening on the phone again.

"
It
'
s Jaden
,"
she says
,
giving me a small smile. I close the door behind me and that
'
s when it starts. Her voice is raised and she
'
s speaking in Spanish
,
which means she doesn
'
t want me to know what she
'
s saying.

I
'
ve never heard her talk so fast. Her free hand is flying through the air
,
which means she
'
s really mad. When she tries to smile at me I know whatever is going on
,
has to do with me. How stupid am I? I never should have opened my mouth and said something without knowing who she was speaking to.

She locks herself in the bathroom for a few minutes
,
making me wonder what
'
s going on. Are they giving her a hard time for hanging with me? Telling her I
'
m all the things Mike told me I am? There
'
s no way I
'
ll let her get in trouble for me. I
'
ll leave before I let that happen.

When she finally emerges
,
I
'
m sitting on the edge of my bed
,
leg bouncing up and down like I
'
m on something. My heart is doing the same thing
,
banging around because I don
'
t like to see her upset.

Priscilla is pacing the room back and forth like I
'
ve never seen her do. She
'
s controlled and steady. She
'
s supposed to have it together and it kills me to see her unsure. I want to make it better.

"
Dios
!
That makes me so mad!
"
she says
,
still with the back and forth.

"
You wanna talk about it?
"
Those words feel weird coming out of my mouth because I never want to talk about anything
,
but I don
'
t want her to be like me. I don
'
t want all that shit trapped inside her until she wants to explode.

As though my same train of thought is driving through her head
,
she looks at me with this funny
expression
on her face. Her eyes
are
bigger and browner than I
'
ve ever seen them. It
'
s hard to read her face. Anger
,
maybe?
Confusion?
And then pain.

That
'
s when it happens. Like a trick of the eye
,
someone snaps their fingers and tears start
pouring
down her face. I don
'
t think
,
don
'
t even pause before I push to my feet
,
walk to her
,
and pull her in my arms.

Priscilla
'
s face buries into my shirt as she lets go
;
big
,
sobbing cries that vibrate through me. Wetness seeps through my shirt
,
but I don
'
t care. All I want to do right now is make it better. Take care of her. That
'
s what you do
,
right? When someone is important to you
,
you take care of them. You try
to
take their pain away
,
pull it into yourself if you can
,
because it
'
s easier to fight her demons for her than to risk someone scarring her.

I would take them all on if I could.

Nothing else matters right now so I shush her and rub her back and let my hands go through her hair. I
'
d do anything to make her feel better. Cut myself open and let her see all the secrets inside me.
Whatever it takes.
Whatever she needs.

But she keeps crying and I wonder if I
'
m doing something wrong. Not saying the right things. When her legs weaken and she goes slack against me
,
I stand for her
,
holding her against me as I back us up to the bed.

I lay down with her and pull her to me like I have a right to her or something. Like she
'
s mine when we both know she isn
'
t
and
never will be.

My lips actually fucking tingle
,
wanting to touch her forehead
,
her hairline
,
down until I find her lips. Which totally isn
'
t what she needs right now
,
and makes me feel like a dick for thinking it.

"
Why won
'
t I ever be good enough for them?
"
she asks into my shirt.

I try to pull away so I can look at her
,
but she doesn
'
t let me. Her hand is knotted in the back of my shirt and it feels incredible to have her hold me this tight.

"
There
'
s no one you
'
re not good enough for
,
Priscilla.
"

This just makes her cry harder and I wonder how I screwed that up.

"
Shit
...
I
'
m sorry. I just mean
...
You have to be wrong
,
ya know? They
'
d do anything for you. You
'
re good at everything. There
'
s no way you
'
re not good enough for them. Maybe it was me?
Because I
'
m here?
"

This makes her pull away enough to look at me.
"
I don
'
t care what they think about you. And they may be willing to give me anything
,
but that
'
s not the same as
doing
anything for me
,
Jaden. It always comes with strings. Do you know the only reason I got to come to New York is because I agreed to one
year of what I want to do
,
and then I have to go pre-law?
"
Some of that fierceness is coming back into her voice
,
but it
'
s all wrapped up in the pain.

"
You don
'
t want to be a lawyer.
"
She doesn
'
t. I used to think she did because of her dad and because she
'
s so good at arguing
,
but it
'
s not her.

"
That doesn
'
t matter. That
'
s what
'
s expected. Everything is always for show and not because they give a shit.
My graduation party?
That wasn
'
t for me. It was for them.
To look good.
I was there for twenty
minutes and no one noticed when I left. All I wanted was to be with you guys and they tried to take that away from me because of—
"

Because of me.
Her unspoken words hang in the air.
Because I
'
m the one who isn
'
t good enough.

"
Me. It
'
s okay. You can say it.
"
I
'
m still touching her hair and her back because now that I
'
ve started
,
I
'
m not sure I can stop.
"
I
'
m used to it
,
Priscilla. If my own parents don
'
t give a shit about me
,
how can I expect yours to?
"
I immediately want the words back and not even because I regret telling her. Somehow
,
I
'
m glad I said it
,
but this is about her and I don
'
t want to bring my stuff into it.

Our breaths mingle together. I feel the heat from her body as she
'
s tucked against me from head to toe. Her hand squeezes tighter and even though it bites into my skin of my back
,
I want to feel it more.

"
I told you
,
I don
'
t care what they think about you. They don
'
t know you.
"

I want to tell her I care. Not for me
,
but for her. I don
'
t want to be a strike against her. I don
'
t want to hold her back
,
but I can feel her and smell her and it
'
s all too much. I need more. Just like last summer
,
she pulls me
,
guides me
,
steers me like my beacon and I can
'
t stop myself dropping my mouth to hers.

Chapter Eleven

I come down too hard and too fast and our teeth clank together. I feel like an idiot. I
'
ve kissed a ton of girls and never done that
,
and I immediately want to pull away
,
but she doesn
'
t let me. Priscilla
'
s hand slides through my hair and her lips move against mine and all I can think is
more
.

More of everything.

I search my brain for a switch
to
turn off my thoughts. I don
'
t want anything with me
,
but her right now as I slide my tongue into her mouth. I taste mint like she brushed her teeth and salt from her tears and still I think
,
more
,
more
,
more
.