What a Boy Needs (24 page)

How does she do that? It
'
s crazy how she can read me. I wonder if that
'
s a girl thing or
a
her
thing.
"
I
'
m cool.
"
Really
,
I
'
m not. I
'
m suddenly in the mood to prove I don
'
t give a shit what other people think about me.

A little while later
,
we stop for gas. Sebastian fills the Explorer while the girls head to the bathroom. After I buy Priscilla and
me
some candy and soda
,
I head around to the side of the building. It
'
s stupid that I decide to call her right now
,
but for some reason
,
I need to.

I set the bag on the ground and call home. Three rings later I know
I've made a mistake
.

"
If it isn
'
t the bastard.
What do you want from us now?
"
Mikes voice seethes through the phone.

I almost hang up. It
'
s obvious he wants
to talk shit to me or he wouldn
'
t have answered the phone
,
but
...
I don
'
t know. I want
to try
to
prove him wrong. Show him I don
'
t need them. That I never did.

And I also just want to talk to my mom. I hate that side
of me—that I can still need her when I
'
ve never been a priority in her life. Three
parents
,
and I couldn
'
t score one who gives a shit. What does that say?

"
You?
I don
'
t need shit from you. I want to talk to my mom.
"

He
'
s quiet for a second and I wonder if he
'
s surprised. If he actually thought I would be crawling back to them. I
'
m sure he missed his verbal punching bag
,
but then he opens his mouth and says
,
"
I guess it
'
s too bad she doesn
'
t want to talk to you. You might think it
'
s just me
,
you little shit
,
but it
'
s not. Did you ever think she was counting down the days until she could get rid of you? That she regretted everything about you? It
'
s not like you ever gave her anything to be proud of. What have you done
,
boy? What have you ever done that matters besides making our lives hell?
"

My drink drops out of my hand
,
but I manage to hold on to Priscilla
'
s. I don
'
t know why those words hit me so hard—why they happen to scream above all the other insults imprinted into my brain. Was she really anxious for me to go? Did I ruin her life?

Do I really not matter?

"
Mike! I
'
m ready!
"
I hear Mom in the background.

Ask him who he
'
s talking to. Ask if it
'
s me. Say you want to talk to me.

"
Finally getting it aren
'
t you
,
boy?
"
Mike says
,
and then he hangs up.

My hand begs me to squeeze
,
to crush the phone.

I don
'
t matter. I don
'
t matter. I don
'
t matter.

God
,
I feel like such a pussy. I can
'
t breathe. My chest feels tight and the emotion makes me angrier. The urge to yell crawls up my throat. I want to hit something—the wall
,
the ground
,
anything. I want some other kind of pain so I don
'
t feel the one inside.

I fall back against the wall
,
his words still slamming into me.

"
Jay?
You over here?
"
Priscilla walks around the corner and my lips automatically stretch into a smile. Not a real one.

"
Hey
,
I was just—
"

"
What
'
s wrong?
"
she cuts me off
,
stepping toward me. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail and I remember what it felt like to have my mouth on the skin of her neck.

"
Nothing.
I
'
m cool. I got you something
.”
I hold up her drink like an idiot.

Priscilla shakes her head
,
mumbling Spanish.
Seriously.
Girls who speak Spanish? Hot.

I look around to make sure I don
'
t see Bastian or Aspen. I just need to be normal. Act normal so we can drop this and get going
,
but I
'
m not
sure what to do. I want
to reach for her
,
pull her to me
,
because that
'
s okay
,
right? After last night
,
I should be able to hold her. Or just hug her? I
'
ve hugged her a million times before. Instead I shuffle my feet
,
not sure what to do.
"
Hey
,
you usually only speak Spanish when I piss you off. What did I do this time?
"
I wink
,
trying to show her I
'
m being playful
and
I need her to do the same
,
but she doesn
'
t laugh.
Doesn
'
t smile.

She just looks
...
sad.

"
Hey
,
what
'
s wrong?
"
I don
'
t hesitate this time when I pull her to me. She wraps her arms around my waist and I rest my chin on top of her head.
"
Did you talk to your parents? Did they do something?
"

"
I don
'
t want to sound like a
wuss
,"
she says against my chest and I can
'
t help
,
but think about how good she feels there. There
'
s something about having a girl lean on you—trust you
—
that makes you feel invincible.

"
Pfft
. Yeah right.
Like you could ever sound like a
wuss
. You
'
re fierce.
"
And she is.
Totally fierce.
Even how she is with her parents.
It
'
s awesome.

We stand there for a few seconds
,
not talking and just
...
being? I don
'
t know
,
but she doesn
'
t pull away so I
'
ll hold her as long as I can. Soon I
'
ll be too far away from her to even
see
her.

Finally
,
after she lets out a long sigh
,
she breaks the silence.
"
I just want you to trust me
,
Jay
.
That
'
s
all. I wish
...
even if it
'
s not me
...
you
'
d let someone in.
"

She tries to walk way
,
but I reach for her hand and pull her back.
"
Hey
.
I trust you.
"
I do. I think. No
,
I know I do
,
but I also know they don
'
t need to hear all my shit
,
either.

Her eyes narrow and I know she
'
s about to give it to me. She
'
ll gripe and I
'
ll sweet talk my way out of it and we
'
ll be good.

But she doesn
'
t. She looks sad again.
"
It doesn
'
t have to be me
,"
she adds again.

Huh? Who else would it be? There isn
'
t anyone else.
"
I said I trust you. There
'
s nothing wrong.
"
I
'
m starting to get annoyed now. Why does everyone always bug me to talk? What
'
s it going to do? It
'
s not going to change Mike or anyone else.

She shrugs.
"
Okay.
"

"
What do you mean
,
‘okay
'
? Aren
'
t you supposed to give me crap?
"

Priscilla
draws
her hand free and crosses her arms.

"
Hey
.
"
I try to pull her to me again even though I know I shouldn
'
t. I know she
'
s not my girl and never will be.
"
I thought we weren
'
t fighting. I liked last night a lot more.
"
I give her half a grin
,
but she doesn
'
t return it like she
'
s supposed to.

She uncrosses her arm and pushes her hands in her pockets.
"
We
'
re not fighting
,
Jay. And I liked last night
,
too.
"

She doesn
'
t say anything else to me. Priscilla turns around
walks
back to the Explorer.

We might not be fighting
,
but for some reason this feels worse. What is it with girls?

***

Sebastian is driving the last couple hours before we get to Chicago. Aspen
'
s up front with him
,
leaving Priscilla and
me
in the back.

"
Here
'
s your drink?
"
I hand her the water I got her. She takes it from me and smiles. It
'
s a normal smile
,
but something feels wrong about it. Something feels wrong about that thought
,
too. What
'
s wrong with me? Something is wrong with her smile?

Sebastian puts in a CD and we rap and sing along. He makes dumb jokes and I tell him they
'
re dumb and he does the same thing to me. 

They laugh and give us shit and it
'
s all normal in a way. Like always
,
they
'
re my buffer—they quiet Mike
'
s voice in my head and make me feel okay
,
but somehow it
'
s still not right. I can
'
t stop thinking about how she looked at me and the slump
of
her shoulders
,
and the way she keeps looking at me
,
but turning away when I return her stare.