What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (34 page)

“Good for you, man. Sucks for Spence, but he’ll be okay.”

“Will he be?”

He shrugged. “He just found out last night?”

I nodded.

“He just needs some time. Have you told her?”

“That I love her?”

He nodded.

“No, not yet,” I admitted. “I’m waiting for the right moment.”

“Another question, but this one’s roommate to roommate.”

I glanced up at him, brows up.

“What was with Julianne visiting?”

“Fuck, I don’t even know. Listen to this email from her.” I read him the email that sat open on my computer.

“So what does she want?”

“Hell if I know. The one thing I do know is that her fiancé is furious with her for coming to see me, but she did it anyway. And then this fucking email, telling me how confused she is and how she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll tell you what she needs to do. She needs to just go back to her corner, lick her wounds, and be happy with Nick. It’s over with us because I’ve moved on. And I realized in moving on that what I have with Lindsay is so much deeper than what I ever felt for Jules.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“Jules or Lindsay?”

“Either.”

I shrugged. “Lindsay knows how I feel about her. I don’t know what to say to Jules without sounding like a complete dick.”

“Let’s talk about it over lunch. You ready?” he asked.

I nodded, and we headed out to eat.

At lunch, Dan had helped me figure out what to say to Julianne. He was a good friend, listening to me constantly bitch like a pussy about my love life. I had always known he was a good guy, but moving to San Diego had shown me just how much I valued his friendship.

When I returned to my office from lunch, I headed for my desk chair so I could reply to Julianne’s email. I always pushed my chair in when I left my office; I was meticulous about keeping my office neat and tidy, but my chair was pointed sideways, like someone had been sitting in it and got up quickly to leave. My brows knit together in confusion as I tried to recall whether or not I’d pushed my chair in, but I figured I’d left in a hurry and just forgot.

I sat in my chair and looked at my computer, prepared to reply to the email. I noticed that my computer hadn’t gone into sleep mode, even though I’d been at lunch for nearly an hour. I thought that was strange, but when I
looked at my screen, I was met with an unsettling feeling. I had left with that email from Julianne on the screen, but now my personal email was closed. What the fuck? Had someone read my personal email? Who had been in my office?

My phone buzzed with a text. It was from Lindsay.

I can’t stay on this roller coaster with you anymore. Your decision is clear. It was fun while it lasted.

What the hell had happened when I was out to lunch? I was beyond confused.

What are you talking about
?
I texted back.             

If you two are so in love, why are you bothering with me?

I repeat: What are you talking about?

I saw the email
.
Jealous Lindsay was back with a vengeance. Fuck. And apparently she had seen Julianne’s email to me. But when? Was she the one who had been in my office?

I sent another text.
 
Two questions: 1. Why are you getting mad over an email someone else sent to me? and 2. Why were you reading my email?

I dialed her number. I didn’t want to do this over text message. She ignored my call, so I fired off another text.
 
Please talk to me. I’m not letting you fuck this up.

I dialed her number again, refusing to give up. She ignored it again.

Lindsay. PICK UP
.
Now I was getting frustrated and a little panicked.

I dialed once more, and she ignored it for a third time.

I sighed deeply in utter aggravation. As much as I loved this woman, she drove me fucking insane at the exact same time.

I needed to write Julianne back, but I didn’t have the energy when I had to worry about fixing things with Lindsay yet again.

This was just another sign showing exactly how deep I was in with her. In any other relationship in my past, aside from Jules, I never, ever would’ve worked this hard for a woman. But Lindsay was worth it. She was my future, and as irritated as I was that she wasn’t picking up and she wasn’t talking to me, I had every confidence that we would make it past this, too. It was just an email from Julianne. I couldn’t control what she sent me any more than I could control the weather.

But I also couldn’t fix things when Lindsay wasn’t talking to me.

I texted her one more time:
 
Why are you getting so mad over Julianne’s email?

I reread it; it wasn’t really anything that bad. Jules missed me, and it seemed to me like she was turning to her friend. I supposed there were some undertones in there that indicated that she missed me as more than her friend, but it also talked about Nick and how happy she was with him. Why would Lindsay be angry over that?

She didn’t text me back, and I got back to work. I headed home at my usual time and solidified my plans for this weekend. It was a fairly sweeping romantic gesture, and I just hoped that it would work out the way I had planned it.

But first, I had to figure out what the hell she was so mad about.

I texted her again.
 
I’m coming over.

Her reply was almost instantaneous:
 
Don’t bother.

Why not? What is going on with you?

Your fucking email, Travis.

I still don’t understand why you’re so upset over an email.

You’re really fucking dense.

What the fuck was she talking about?

I dialed her number, and she ignored my call. But she did text me:
 
I really don’t want to talk to you. Give it up and leave me the hell alone.

There was no way in hell I was going to leave her alone.

I got in my car and drove over to her place. Her car was in the driveway, so I walked up to the door and knocked.

Pen answered, looking sultry in a low cut black shirt and jeans. “She’s not interested, Travis,” Pen greeted me rather loudly, most likely for Lindsay’s benefit.

“I don’t even know what I did wrong,” I said. I had moved from slightly panicked to very panicked, insane with frustration, with an overwhelming fear that Lindsay was really, really angry. I didn’t know why or what to do to fix it. I was really at a loss.

“She’s right. You’re really fucking dense,” Pen said, quoting the text Lindsay had just sent me.

I was bewildered. “Will you just tell me what the fuck I did wrong?”

“The email.”

“The one from Julianne?”

“No.
The one
to
Julianne.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You copied Lindsay on the email you sent to Julianne.”

What
? “I didn’t send an email to Julianne.”

“Yes, you did. You sent it to Julianne and
BCCed Lindsay’s Gmail address.”

It suddenly clicked in my brain.

I didn’t have Lindsay’s Gmail address. I had her work email, not her personal email.

My office
chair and my closed email flashed through my mind.

Someone had been in my office and had sent an email from my account to Julianne, copying Lindsay on it.

There was only one person I could think of who would be in a place to do something that devious, but it was a person I never, ever would’ve expected that behavior from.

Spencer.

“No I fucking didn’t,” I growled. Then I raised my voice, yelling past Pen. “Lindsay, I know you’re home. Talk to me.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Pen informed me. She was a good bodyguard, but this was fucked up.

I yelled even louder. “I didn’t send that fucking email!”

My phone buzzed with a text, and hoping it was Lindsay, I checked it. It was from Julianne.

We need to talk. Your email… I just don’t even know where we go from here. I don’t know how to choose between you and Nick.

What the fuck had Spencer written in that email?

And that’s when I realized that the smart phone in my hand could answer my question.

I checked my sent mail, and sure enough, there was a reply to Julianne that I hadn’t written.

Dear Julianne,

Maybe you should just come back. Maybe I made a mistake letting you go, and maybe I made a mistake coming to San Diego. You’ll always be in my heart. I love you and I will help you get your shit together, but it has to be with me. Leave Nick. We can make a life together in San Diego. Come back to me. Choose me and our history. Choose our friendship, if nothing else. I will never leave you behind again.

Love,

Travis

A slew of curse words formed in my brain.

What a fucking mess of epic proportions.

I had to sort this out with Lindsay first, and then I had to let Jules know that the email hadn’t been from me. She was sitting somewhere with confusion in her heart when her answer was as clear as mine. I wasn’t available for her to choose.

“Lindsay,” I yelled. “I didn’t send that email.”

Pen looked at me with pity.

“Will you tell her to come down here?”

She shook her head. “She wants nothing to do with you right now.”

“Why the hell would I BCC her on an email to Julianne?”

“Her conclusion was so that she would know just exactly how you felt.”

“Spencer. That son of a bitch had to have been the one who sent it.”

“Nice try, Travis. A, he would never do that, and B, how would he even get your personal email information?”

“I had an email from Jules
open on my computer. I went to lunch, and when I came back, someone had been in my office.” I was becoming desperate. My confidence was shaken, and that was pretty rare for me. I took both of Pen’s arms in my hands. “Please, Pen. Please believe me. You have to believe me, and I need you to help me fix this.” I didn’t even realize that I was actually shaking poor Pen. I was becoming hysterical, and it was totally out of character for me. I needed to see Lindsay, to explain what had happened so the two of us could get back on track.

Pen rolled her eyes and backed away from me. “Jesus.
Fine. Go see her. But don’t you fucking dare tell her that I let you get past me.”

“Thank you,” I said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. “I owe you one,” I said, leaping up the stairs two at a time to get to her.

I pushed open her door to find her lying on her bed, her face buried in her pillow.

I rushed immediately to her side, sitting next to her on the bed and smoothing her hair as her back shook from the sobs that racked her body.

“I didn’t send that email,” I whispered.

“I don’t want to see you,” she said. Her voice was muffled as she spoke into her pillow over her tears.

“I don’t care. I’m not leaving.”

“Then I’ll go,” she said, rolling away from me and escaping to her bathroom before I could stop her.

Fuck. This was bad.

I stood and made my way to the door, trying the knob first but finding it locked. I pounded on the door.

“Open the goddamn door,” I yelled, pounding away on the solid door that wouldn’t budge.

“Go. Away.”

“No.” My voice was firm and adamant. “Talk to me.”

I was met with silence.

“Fine. I’ll talk; you listen.”

More silence.

“Lindsay, I did not send that goddamn email. Why would I be so stupid as to copy you on an email to her if I was really professing my love?”

Silence.

“I told Dan about the email from her. I didn’t know how to reply without sounding like a dick. I wanted to tell her that I am with you now and that she needs to move on. I know she loves me, but she only loves me as a friend. She’s in love with her fiancé. She’s confused because she’s going through some changes in her life, and she misses her best friend. We’ve always leaned on each other for everything, and now we don’t have that because she broke our friendship.”

Silence.

I kept talking, hoping to God that she was listening to me. “Dan and I went to lunch, and we talked about how I could reply. When I got back to my office, I could tell someone had been in there. My chair wasn’t where I left it and my email was closed. I know I left it open. And I know how stupid that was. Lindsay, think about it. I don’t even have your email address. I have your work email from the company website, but you never gave me your personal email. How the hell would I have been able to copy you on it?”