What to Expect the First Year (48 page)

There's no question that parents get the worst of colic. Though it can safely be said that even hours and hours of daily crying doesn't seem to hurt a baby, it certainly does leave its mark on mom and dad. Listening to a baby's screams is irritating and anxiety-provoking (yes, even when you love that baby with all your heart). Objective studies show that it's linked to a rise in blood pressure, a speeding up of the heartbeat, and changes in blood flow to the skin—in other words, it can take a physical and emotional toll. To cope with colicky crying that just won't quit, try the following:

Break it up.
If you're the one who's been left holding the crying baby 7 nights a week at colic time, the strain is bound to wear on you, your health, and your relationships with your baby and with others. If there are two parents at home during baby witching hours, make sure colic duty is divided up equally between the two of you (an hour on, an hour off, a night on, a night off, or whatever arrangement you find works best). A fresh set of arms (and a different rocking rhythm, and a different singing voice) sometimes induces calm in a crying baby, which may make switching off frequently your best bet.

Then, try to make sure you take an occasional break together. If you can find a babysitter or a family member who's patient and experienced with crying babies, go out for dinner (even if you're breastfeeding, you should be able to squeeze in a meal), hit the gym, or just take a long, quiet walk.

If you're the only parent in the house either all or some of the time (or as often happens, all of the colic time), you'll need to call on help even more often—coping with a crying infant for hours a day every day is a lot for any one person to handle. No help in sight? Keep reading.

Take a break.
Sure, it's important to respond to crying, which is an infant's only way of communicating. But every once in a while, it doesn't hurt to give yourself a break from your baby—and your baby a break from you. Try the strategy described in this
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, and use those 10 or 15 minutes to do something relatively relaxing: Do a few yoga poses, watch a little TV, listen to some music. Hopefully, you'll be a little less ragged and a little more refreshed when you pick up baby again for round two (or three, or four)—and that will do you both some good.

Tune out.
To lessen the effect of your baby's wails, use earplugs or noise-canceling headphones—they won't block out the sound entirely, just dull it so it won't be so wearing. Or tune in to some iTunes—the music will not only soothe you (and if you're lucky, baby), it'll also give you a rhythm to move to.

Get physical.
Exercise is a great way to work off tension, something a crying baby will give you plenty of. Work out at home with baby early in the day, head to the gym that has child-care services, or take the baby for a brisk walk outdoors when fussy hour hits—it may help calm you both. And always keep a stress ball nearby, for times when you need to knead.

Talk about it.
Do a little crying yourself—on any willing shoulder: your spouse's, the pediatrician's, a family member's, a friend's. Or vent on social media. Talking about the colic won't cure it, but you may feel a little better after sharing—especially if you share with others in the same rocky boat (or who've been in the same boat—and weathered the storm). Just knowing you're not alone in the world of inconsolable babies can make a world of difference.

If you really feel violent, get help.
Almost everyone finds a constantly crying baby hard to take, sometimes even hard to love—and that's completely normal (you're only human, just like your baby). But for some, endless crying becomes more than they can cope with. The result is sometimes child abuse. You may be even more likely to cross that line if you're suffering from untreated (and possibly undiagnosed) postpartum depression. If your thoughts of hurting your baby are more than fleeting, if you feel like you're about to give in to the urge to hit or shake your baby or harm him or her in any way, get help immediately. Put your baby in a safe place and get on the phone right away with your spouse, a friend or relative, the doctor, or someone else who can help you. Or bring your baby over to a neighbor's house and ask for help. Even if your powerful feelings don't lead to child abuse, they can start eroding your relationship with your baby and your confidence in yourself as a parent unless you get counseling (and if you're suffering from postpartum depression or psychosis, appropriate treatment) quickly. Don't wait it out—get the help you need now.

Looking for a colic cure you can count on while you're counting the days until your cute little crier has crossed the 3-month threshold—hopefully leaving colic behind? Unfortunately, there are no prescriptions or potions—traditional or homeopathic or complementary and alternative—that are guaranteed to stop the crying. There are, however, a few that doctors sometimes suggest—if only to offer parents desperate for “anything.” In most cases the evidence that they work doesn't add up, and if parents see an improvement, it's most likely because babies with colic improve after a few months anyway. Here are some treatments that have plenty of anecdotal evidence, but not much in the way of science, to back them up:

Antigas drops.
Colicky babies are often extra gassy (whether they're gassy because they're crying or they're crying because they're gassy—or both—isn't clear), and studies show that reducing the gas may reduce the discomfort (and the crying). So, simethicone drops, the same antigas ingredient found in many adult preparations (formulated for babies under such brand names as Mylicon and Phazyme), are often recommended for relief. Two trials comparing crying duration, however, found no difference between babies treated with simethicone drops and those not treated. Ask the doctor whether these drops might help relieve your baby's symptoms.

Probiotics.
Something else to ask the doctor about: probiotic drops, which may reduce crying in some colicky babies, probably because they can ease tummy troubles. Again, research has yet to consistently back this up.

Gripe water.
In the category of “little evidence, lots of anecdotes,” gripe water, a combination of herbs and sodium bicarbonate in drops, is touted for its baby-soothing benefits. Anecdotally, many parents swear by gripe water, but no reliable studies have shown its effectiveness in reducing colic symptoms. Check with your baby's doctor for a recommendation.

Chiropractic.
The theory behind this treatment is that when a baby's spine is misaligned, it can lead to digestive issues and discomfort. Gentle manipulation of the spine is supposed to remedy this, though the clinical evidence hasn't backed that up. Plus, some doctors say chiropractic on infants isn't safe—so definitely get the pediatrician's advice (and a referral to a qualified practitioner) before booking this kind of treatment.

Herbs.
Herbal remedies, such as fennel extract, or herbal tea (chamomile, licorice, fennel, balm mint, and so on), given by dropper, may be somewhat effective in relieving symptoms of colicky babies, but not significantly, according to studies. Check with the pediatrician before using any herbal remedy.

Just remember, as desperate as you might be for a problem crying panacea, don't give your baby any medication, herbal or otherwise, without talking to your baby's doctor first. And really, the best prescription for colic isn't treating the baby, but rather treating the parents—finding ways to relieve your stress from all that crying (see
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) and reminding yourself that colic isn't harmful to your baby—and that it will pass (promise!).

So, let's recap the last few weeks as it appears to your older (but still very young) child. First, mommy disappears for a couple of days and then returns (super tired and achy) with her arms full of a strange little bundle that's too small to play with but apparently not too small to take up everyone's lap and attention … or to be gifted with a steady stream of toys. The baby cries a lot, and just when it seems like there's no way anything could possibly cry any more or any louder, this red-faced creature starts to cry even more and even louder. Screaming, shrieking, howling for hours on end—not to mention, during the hours of the day that were always big sib's favorite: dinner with mommy and daddy, bath and story time, cuddles. All of which seem to have gone out the window suddenly (and big sib probably, by now, not-so-secretly wishes that baby would follow out the window). Instead of being a time for eating, sharing, and quiet play, early evening turns into a time of disrupted meals, frantic pacing and rocking, and distracted, irritable parents.

You can't make colic easy on your older child any more than you can make it easy on yourself (in fact, it's bound to be a little harder, since your firstborn can't grasp that colic is a “phase”). But you can help ease the toll little sib colic can take if you:

Show and tell.
Explain, on your older child's level, what colic is—that it's baby's way of getting used to being in a new and strange world, which can be a little scary at first. Reassure him or her that most of the crying will stop once the baby learns more about the world and figures out other ways of saying, “I'm hungry,” “I'm tired,” “My tummy hurts,” “I need a cuddle,” “I'm scared.” Show the brand new big sib a photo of himself or herself crying as a newborn, and then as a smiling older baby and toddler—this might help illustrate that there's hope for this newborn.

Play the no-blame game.
Little children tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in a home, from mommy and daddy's arguing to a new baby's crying. Explain that all this crying is nobody's fault—that all babies cry when they're new.

Load up on love.
Dealing with a colicky baby can be so distracting—especially in the context of an already busy day—that you may forget to do those special little things that show a toddler or older child you care. Even during the worst of the storm, make sure you break from the pacing and rocking occasionally to give your older son or daughter a reassuring hug. If baby is soothed by walks outdoors, put the little crier in a carrier and take a stroll with your older child–or head to the playground (you can push the swing wearing a sling). The new baby will be lulled, and your older child will feel loved.

Divide the baby, conquer the sibling rivalry.
When both parents are home, try taking turns walking the floor with the baby during colic marathons, so that your older child is usually getting the attention of at least one parent. Another option: One parent can take baby out for a ride in the stroller or the car (the motion often helps subdue the colic) while the other parent spends some quality quiet time at home with your older son or daughter. Or one of you can take your big kid out to dinner (for pizza with a side of peace and quiet) or, if it's still light out, for an early evening excursion to the playground while the other toughs it out at home with The Screamer.

Put baby on mute.
Okay … you can't mute your little crier, but you can help muffle baby's wails so big bro or sis can catch a break from the constant background crying. Gift your older child with soundproofing earmuffs and set him or her up with a book to look at, crayons to scribble with, play clay to pound on. Or let your big kid listen to an audiobook with low volume headphones that dampen the sound of baby's cries. Or let your older child listen to music with headphones in another room (again, keep the volume low so as not to damage your big kid's ears) to help drown out baby's howling.

Preserve the rituals.
Routines are comforting to young children, and when they're disrupted, it can be enormously unsettling—especially during times when life is more unsettled than usual (as when there's a new, crying baby in the house). Do your best to make sure your older son or daughter's treasured rituals don't fall victim to your baby's colic. If bedtime has always meant a leisurely bath (complete with bubbles and splashing), a cuddlefest, and two stories, strive for a leisurely bath, cuddlefest, and two stories every night, even when colic's in full swing. Dividing the colic duty will, hopefully, make those routines possible more often than not.

Go one-on-one.
Even if it's only half an hour a day—maybe during your newborn's best nap of the day, probably before daily colic kicks in—try to schedule some special one-on-one time to spend with your older child, without screeching baby sibling tagging along. Play teddy bear picnic, bake muffins, paint a mural (on an extra-large piece of paper), put together a puzzle, start an egg carton garden. Have other stuff to do while you have a chance? Chances are, there's nothing more important.