What to Expect the Toddler Years (13 page)

Let her tail you.
If your toddler insists on following you around the house (even into the bathroom), don’t stop her. She has enough conflicted feelings (Do I want to be independent? Dependent?) without your adding rejection.

Let her leave you.
Even the clingiest of toddlers will often decide to wander off (separation is only traumatic when it’s your parent’s idea—not when it’s your own). If the two of you have been playing together and your toddler wants to go off to do something else, let her—assuming she’s still safely in view. She needs to know that it’s okay to leave your side.

Build security by building self-esteem.
Nothing gives a young child a sense of security—and thus independence—like a positive sense of self. Help your toddler feel comfortable by herself by helping her feel good about herself (see page 292 for tips on building self-esteem).

Make sure you’re not dependent on her dependence.
Sometimes, parents secretly relish their children’s dependence (who doesn’t want to feel needed?) and unconsciously encourage it. They’ll hover when they’re not needed, barge in on a stuffed animal birthday party uninvited, anticipate clinginess before it occurs (“Don’t cry—I’m just going to wash the dishes”). Becoming aware of any part you may be playing in this dependency cycle may make it easier to break.

Be patient.
Your toddler’s fear of being without you is rooted in a normal developmental phase, and with your love and support she will eventually grow out of it.

What if your toddler continues to cling in spite of all your efforts to make her more comfortable with brief physical separations? Let her. Matter-of-factly explain that you have to peel the carrots or there won’t be any supper (or sort the laundry or there won’t be any clean clothes) and go about peeling (or sorting) with her arms fast around your legs, if need be. When she sees that her attention-getting ploys regularly fail, she’s likely to give them up.

Nevertheless, some degree of clinging may continue, possibly well into the preschool years, and even later. It’s not unusual for a kindergartner to cling to Mommy or Daddy for a while when being dropped off at school. More exposures to other adults (in play groups, in day care, in preschool, during play dates), along with continued parental attention, will help with the maturation process, which will eventually make clinging a thing of the past.

Not all toddlers are clingy, of course. Some seem to make the leap from dependence to independence with no qualms at all. They don’t cling, exhibit no separation anxiety, and love doing things on their own. For more on the independent toddler, see page 387.

“My son cries whenever I leave the house. My husband and I left him with a baby-sitter so we could go out and celebrate our anniversary, and he cried for an hour. The baby-sitter finally had to call us to come home.”

From the moment the umbilical cord is cut, life is full of separations. With each new phase of development comes a new one. Taking solid foods eventually leads to weaning from mother’s breast, crawling and walking to less need for carrying. On that long road to adulthood, countless other occasions for separation lie ahead: the first morning at nursery school, the first night of sleep-away camp, the first day of college. Helping your toddler learn how to handle separations well now will help both of you handle them better later.

A child experiencing separation anxiety exhibits pronounced distress when one or both parents leave him. This normal phase of development commonly begins in the last quarter of the first year and frequently lasts into the early months of the second year—or beyond. As with all developmental phases, though, there’s a wide range of what is normal.

Separation anxiety never touches some toddlers; others develop it closer to the second birthday and suffer the anxiety well into the third year or later. The problem may be more severe in a child who’s never been cared for by anyone but his parents and has had little exposure to other adults. It may also be more exaggerated in a child who’s experiencing other stress in his life (moving, a new child-care situation, the arrival of a new sibling), is naturally shy and reticent or temperamentally averse to change (see page 201), or has recently been left by his parents overnight for the first time.

The following tips may help both you and your toddler cope with separations better:

Take the anxiety seriously . . . React to it with understanding, patience, and confidence (“I know you don’t want me to leave, but I will be back soon. I love you.”), instead of with teasing (“Oh, you silly boy!”) or annoyance (“You make me feel so mad when you cling like that!”). Of course, there will be times when your understanding and patience will be tested to their limits—as when you’re late for an appointment, and you find yourself struggling to pry your toddler’s fingers off your legs so you can escape out the door. Do your best, but remember that you’re only human (a shortcoming you’ll have to concede to your worshipful little toddler sooner rather than later).

. . . but not too seriously. Though a toddler’s pleas for you to stay with him can be pretty heart-wrenching, don’t join in the melodrama. Instead, stay calm, matter-of-fact, and though sympathetic, unmoved by the histrionics.

Make your toddler feel secure when you’re around. Lots of love and attention when you’re together makes a child feel better about any separating. During periods of intense separation anxiety (as when upheaval in his life or routine has made him even clingier), provide lots of extra tender, loving care, and don’t leave him more often than you must. Don’t tell yourself, “He needs to learn—and he’s going to learn the hard way.” He’ll learn faster when you’re sensitive to his feelings and needs than when you take a sink-or-swim approach.

Tell him that you love him. But don’t add that you’ll miss him. If your toddler feels obliged to miss you back, he won’t be able to enjoy himself without feeling guilt of his own.

Start with short-term separations. Working on object permanence, with you as the object, will help your toddler begin to view separations as temporary (see page 19). Once he’s learned to handle your disappearance behind a door or into another room, gradually work up to leaving the house for brief periods. Follow the tips on pages 22 and 23 for leaving your toddler with a baby-sitter.