What to Expect the Toddler Years (11 page)

Stopping your toddler from drumming on a forbidden surface once does-n’t mean he’s going to refrain on his own in the future. It takes more than a few “no’s” (and often more than a few hundred) to train a toddler. He’ll likely test you many times by trying the wooden spoon out on the coffee table or the truck on the glass doors before he gets the message. Till then, you’ll have to stay alert to catch him, and stop him in the act.

Redirect his banging impulses. When you gotta bang, you gotta bang. So let him let loose—on safe surfaces. Offer him an old pot and a wooden spoon, a toy drum and rubber-tipped drumsticks, a child’s tambourine, a bang-and-pop toy, a toddler-size hammer and workbench. The tumult will be easier on everyone’s ears (and nerves) if your toddler drums in a carpeted room or while sitting on upholstered furniture.

Help him find the rhythmic beat elsewhere. In music of all kinds, live and on tape, at home and in the car; in clapping and foot-stomping games; in the chirping of the cricket, the din of traffic, the tick-tock of a clock; in his own body (encourage him to dance or sway rhythmically to music or song).

No banging in public, please. Parents of toddlers have to be somewhat tolerant (they don’t have much choice). The rest of the world doesn’t have to be, should-n’t be expected to be, and often isn’t. So if your toddler grabs your spoon and starts jamming in a restaurant, for example, stop him promptly—even if he isn’t in danger of hurting himself or his surround ings. Better still, think ahead whenever possible. Remove the silverware and the china (especially if it’s fragile) from his place setting before you sit him down at the table, and engage him in a socially acceptable activity before he has a chance to start, or even think about starting, to bang. Divert him with a game of peekaboo (use the menu or napkin), a quiet song, a picture book, or a pad and crayons you’ve cleverly thought to bring along. If necessary, take
a break in the foyer or outside until the food arrives.

“There doesn’t seem to be any way to get my son to hold still for a diaper change.”

The battle of the bottom—parent strives to cover it, child struggles to keep it bare—is enacted countless times a day in the homes of active toddlers. Though the parents may appear the winners—after all, the bottom ultimately ends up covered—the tension of the battle leaves them feeling ravaged rather than victorious.

For some little ones, revolting against the diaper is a short-lived phase; for others it continues to some degree until potty learning is complete. In the meantime, trying these strategies may help bring about a speedier truce:
Check for wounds.
Your little rebel may have a diaper rash that hurts more when the diaper is on. If so, follow his doctor’s recommendation for treating the condition (or see page 470). If the rash gets progressively worse or doesn’t disappear in a couple of days, check with the doctor.

Choose your gear wisely.
Since speed is of the essence, the fastest methods of diapering should be favored. Instead of cloth, pins, and plastic pants, use a diaper cum Velcro-closing wrap or disposables. This measure also helps eliminate the risk of accidental pin sticks, which can further complicate the diapering process.

Have everything in readiness.
Don’t wait until you’ve bared your child’s bottom to gather your wipes, ointments, corn starch, and diapers. (For safety’s sake, arrange them out of his reach.)

Create a diversion.
The diversions most likely to succeed in capturing baby’s attention during diapering are those that are not used in everyday play but are reserved for diaper changes only. But because one toddler’s distraction is another’s ho-hum, it’s usually a matter of trial and rejection until you find the amusements that work for your child. (Of course, avoid anything that might shatter if dropped off the side of the changing table.) Try a plastic hourglass; an unbreakable wind-up musical toy, a sturdy music box, a shakable music-maker, such as a tambourine; a stuffed animal suspended over the table; a tape of children’s songs; or any other appealing diversion that your toddler can manipulate, watch, or listen to during a diaper change. Or, divert with a participatory game, such as “Show me your belly . . . show me your nose . . .” (punctuated by kisses, of course), or by appointing your toddler your “diaper helper,” and have him hand you the supplies (make sure tops are tightly screwed on) as you need them.

Move the offensive.
If the changing table has turned into a battlefield, maybe it’s time to retreat to safer ground. Protected by a thick towel or waterproof pad, almost any flat surface can be used for diapering—and the farther away from the despised changing table, the better. Try the living room floor, a hassock or large beanbag chair, the crib (with side railing down), your bed, the bathroom.

Attack vertically.
Once a child is toddling on his own, it’s an affront to be forced down onto his back. So it’s often expedient (if not easy) to diaper toddlers where they stand—assuming the diaper is merely wet and the underlying surface can tolerate a sudden flood. Approaching the behind from behind is the wisest tactic. Also helpful is a distracting sight—birds outside the window, changing shadows on the wall, a perpetual-motion machine.

Forget the element of surprise.
If your toddler is in the middle of an activity, try to wait until he’s finished to make the change; or take his toy along to the changing table.

Try a change of command.
If Mommy with a diaper signals a struggle to your toddler, it may be time to call for reinforcements. Whenever possible, leave the diapering to Daddy or recruit anyone else who’s available and willing to tackle the task. With the novelty of a different diaperer, your opponent may be diapered before he knows what hit him.

Resort to force . . .
If none of the above seems to work, hold your toddler down (or better still, have an ally restrain those swinging feet) and get the job done as quickly as possible. Be friendly but firm. And don’t feel guilty. After all, he has to wear a diaper whether he likes it or not.

. . . but not to brute force.
However, spanking is never a good solution to this or any other parenting problem. Though the shock of a slap on the bottom may quiet a toddler temporarily, it relays a message you don’t want to transmit—that hitting is the way to get what you want and to control others. It could also injure your child.

Try to keep your cool.
If you’re non-combative, your little adversary may lose interest in fighting. It takes two, after all, to tussle.

Look to the future.
The diaper struggles will not last forever. One of these days, your toddler will enter the toilet-learning phase and switch to training pants. To be sure you don’t go from the diaper wars to the battle of the potty, prepare yourself and your toddler for this big move by reading Chapter Nineteen.

“We used to congratulate ourselves on how well our daughter ate. But all of a sudden she’s rejecting everything, including all her old favorites. Could she be sick?”

As long as she isn’t exhibiting any other signs of illness (lethargy, weakness, fatigue, fever, weight loss, irritability), rejecting food is not likely to be a sign of illness. Rather, it probably represents four convergent developmental factors:

One, a budding sense of autonomy is characteristic of normal toddlerhood. This spirit of independence will likely take many forms in the months to come; eventually, you may face it not only at mealtime but at dressing time, bath time, play time, bedtime, and just about every other time.

Two, the normal slowdown in growth—and thus in the need for calories—that occurs at the end of the first year. If your toddler continued consuming calories and gaining weight at the same rate she did in her first year (when she probably better than tripled her birth-weight, gaining nearly as much as she’ll gain in the next four years combined), she’d weigh as much as a fifth grader before reaching her second birthday.

Three, a newly active lifestyle. Toddlers often become so engrossed in practicing walking and other new skills that they are reluctant to take time out to do anything else, even eat.

Four, an improved memory. A young infant feeds like there’s no tomorrow (or no next feeding). But a toddler begins to realize, “They feed me several times a day around here. If I don’t eat now, I can eat later.” If she’s otherwise occupied, she may see no need to stop what she’s doing for a meal.

So a drop in appetite now is not only no cause for alarm; it’s perfectly
normal. Study after study has found that healthy toddlers who aren’t pushed or coerced into eating consume enough food for normal growth and development. Children who are force-fed, on the other hand, tend to develop chronic eating problems.

Typically, normal appetites vary from meal to meal, day to day, week to week, month to month. Some children will eat one hearty meal a day and nibble at the rest, other children will satisfy their body’s requirements by “grazing” throughout the day. Interest in eating may pick up during a growth spurt, slow down at teething time or with a cold or the flu. Yet calculated over the weeks, the intake of food almost invariably balances out.

To test this theory, keep a record of your child’s food intake over a two- or three-week period. Then compare it with the Toddler Diet requirements (see page 504). If you’re conscientious about recording every bite and about providing only healthy bites (no junk food), you’ll probably be surprised to discover how well your toddler is actually eating.

Keep in mind that your toddler’s rejection of food is not a rejection of you or a reflection on your parenting skills. You can make the most of what appetite she has by making certain to follow the recommendations for feeding the finicky eater (see page 517).

Sometimes a poor appetite is temporary and related to changes in a child’s life or to a cold or other illness. If your toddler isn’t gaining weight or seems otherwise out of sorts, discuss your concerns with her doctor or nurse-practitioner.

“Our toddler, who recently was weaned from the breast to cow’s milk, has suddenly started having diarrhea off and on, plus she makes sort of a wheezing sound when she breathes, and has a runny nose all the time. She doesn’t seem sick, and has no fever. Should I check with the doctor?”

Any symptom, or group of symptoms, that arrives on the scene suddenly calls for a call to the doctor. Your child may be the victim of a virus, but it’s more likely she’s developed an allergy to cow’s milk.

The symptoms of milk allergy include those your toddler has exhibited (diarrhea, asthma, runny nose) as well as eczema, constipation, irritability, poor appetite, and fatigue. Even the smallest quantity of milk in any form can trigger one or more of these symptoms.

Milk allergy is usually apparent early in the first year if an infant is taking a milk-based formula (and sometimes if a breast-feeding mother is consuming a lot of dairy products). But it often does not show up in a breastfed child or one who has been on a soy or hydrolysate formula until cow’s milk is added to the diet at a year.