What to Expect the Toddler Years (261 page)

Your children will have a better chance of forging a good relationship without undue parental pressure or interference. Give them plenty of opportunities to play together and share outings together, but also make sure they both have some time apart—time to be alone, time to be alone with you, and time to be with their own friends. If your children end up being best friends, great. If not, that’s okay, too. Don’t push it. If they learn to respect and support each other, they will have learned a lot, and they’ll have established a good foundation for a sound future relationship.

“Our son and our daughter, who are only a year and a half apart, always insist on having exactly the same amount of everything—from slices of apple to our time and attention. If one gets something the other doesn’t, it’s always ‘not fair!’”

Life isn’t a bowl of cherries, nor is it always fair (six cherries for you and six for me). That’s a lesson that small children often have difficulty swallowing, but one they eventually do need to digest. Though you can try to protect your children from some of the inevitable inequities of life, you shouldn’t try to protect them from all of them.

Not only does always trying to make life completely fair for your children set them up for a let-down when they step out into the world, it’s also ineffective in fending off family rivalries. Though a policy of “even-Steven” (Shauna gets a new book, so Jamal gets a new book) may seem to subdue sibling skirmishes in the short term, it’s bound to step them up in the long term, intensifying the competition and comparisons instead of tempering them (as when Shauna discovers that Jamal’s new book is bigger than hers).

So what’s a fair-minded parent to do?

Treat your children as the individuals they are. Since no two children (not even identical twins) are exactly alike, no two children should be treated in exactly the same way. Each requires an individualized approach to affection, discipline, criticism, and praise. If you acknowledge the differences between your children (Shauna loves to look at books; Jamal loves to draw) without making comparisons or
judgments, your children are more likely to come to appreciate both their individuality and being treated somewhat differently rather than always insisting on identical treatment.

Give individually. Whether it’s presents or hugs, what you give your children doesn’t have to be appraised for parity before it’s doled out. Jamal doesn’t necessarily need a new pair of sneakers just because Shauna outgrew hers; Shauna doesn’t necessarily need a new pair of mittens because Jamal’s got lost; one child doesn’t necessarily need fifteen minutes on Mom’s lap just because the other child got it. Give according to the individual needs of each child at the particular moment, and tailor gifts to a child’s own special interests (a story book for Shauna, a drawing pad for Jamal), not to what you’re giving a sibling.

Make time alone for each child. If your children don’t always have to compete for your attention, they’re less likely to feel compelled to compete for everything else.

Be equally loving. If there’s one parental commodity that has to be handed out in equal amounts, it’s love (even if you don’t always feel it equally). How you choose to give that love may be different for each of your children, but how much you give shouldn’t be. (No matter how you try, how ever, you may find that your children still complain about inequities.)

Keep that yardstick handy. Even with all your efforts to eliminate the competitive atmosphere in your home, apples (and cookies and slices of pizza) will have to be pretty evenly divided until your children have gained the maturity needed not to care about who gets what. As they get older, the larger slice may be less important than who gets to stay up later or who gets to watch a favorite show.

You can, however, use some techniques to defuse these even-Steven conflicts. If your children always fight over who gets the larger piece of pie (or anything else), let them take turns choosing the first piece. (Tell them that people with good manners always take the smaller piece if they choose first—but don’t expect them to show such courtesy yet.) Or let them take turns doing the dividing. Or, with older children, set aside a quota of cookies each week for each child, for example, and let them take as many as they like at snack or dessert time. When they’re all gone, they’re gone—until next week.

Keep in mind, however, as you try to be equitable, that you won’t always succeed in making your children happy. They don’t really care how many cookies or apple slices or cherries they get (they may not even finish what they insisted on); complaining about favoritism toward a sibling is a matter of principle.

“Our two-year-old just adores his older sister. He follows her everywhere, wants to do everything she does. In the beginning, our daughter seemed to like it, but lately she’s been begging me to keep him away.”

He worships the ground she walks on; she wishes he’d walk somewhere else . . . like maybe in another hemi sphere. He wants to help her build her block tower, push her baby in the stroller, pour tea for her tea party; she wants him to get lost. He decides to imitate her technique in her favorite coloring book; she decides to slam him one for his efforts. It’s a common sibling scenario.

Older children often find it flattering at first to be shadowed by an adoring groupie. But it isn’t long before flattery turns to frustration, as they tire of having
their every move tracked and imitated, of never having a moment’s privacy or a second’s rest, of trying to shield their space (and possessions) from curious fingers and grabby hands. It clearly isn’t easy being an older sibling, particularly when your younger sibling is two years old—too old to be cute, crib-bound, and helpless, and too young to be an ideal playmate, but just the right age for being a pest.

For now, you can help by making it easier for your older child, which in turn should make the situation better for your toddler, by:

Lending a commiserating ear.
Acknowledging that you understand and empathize with your older child’s predicament—and letting her know that you’re there to listen when she needs to air her sibling grievances—will help immeasurably by removing the guilt factor. Let her know that it’s okay to feel angry at her little brother’s annoying behavior, and that her being angry at him won’t make
you
angry at her. Acknowledge your frequent frustration at his havoc wreaking, but also reinforce that it’s possible to feel frustrated by or angry at someone’s behavior while still loving him very much. Recount stories about her as a toddler: about the time she knocked over the bookshelf, the time she unraveled a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet, the times she threw tantrums at the supermarket checkout. Not only will these stories be interesting for her to hear, but they’ll give her a new perspective on her sibling’s behavior—not to mention hope for the future.

Protecting your older child’s privacy.
Nobody who lives in a family can be guaranteed privacy whenever they want it, but everyone who lives in a family is entitled to privacy sometimes. Making sure your older child gets some uninterrupted time alone each day, while her younger sib is sleeping or kept busy by you or another adult caregiver, may make her more tolerant of him the rest of the time. Occasionally arrange a weekend play date for your toddler at a friend’s home so your older child can relish having the house (and her parents) all to herself.

Protecting your older child’s possessions.
She has a right to feel that her toys will be safe from the pint-size demolition force she calls “brother.” For her sake, as well as for your toddler’s (many toys that are appropriate for older children can pre sent a hazard to him), help keep her things out of his reach. Encourage her to protect her possessions by putting them away when she’s finished with them. When your toddler does get his hands on her toys, don’t scold (he’s just doing what comes naturally), but do explain that he can’t play with his sister’s toys, or markers, or dollhouse figurines, without her permission (she should likewise need his permission to play with his toys). Since that message probably won’t have immediate impact (although hearing it announced will make your daughter feel better), you will have to remove your toddler whenever he tries to get into his sister’s belongings. Preferably move him into another room and redirect his attention with something that belongs to him. Of course, when your older child is in a sharing mood and invites her little brother to join her at play, applaud her behavior. (But be sure the playthings are toddler safe.)

Keeping hands off the handing down.
Even if your older child has clearly outgrown a toy, let
her
be the one to decide when it’s time to pass it on. Expropriating her things without her permission is certain to foster bad feelings. When she does decide to pass something on, or when she opts on her own to share her “baby” toys with her baby brother, however, be sure to acknowledge her generosity, rather than taking it for granted.

Socializing your toddler.
It’s possible that setting up play dates for your toddler and keeping him busy with someone his own size will help take some of the strain off of your older child. Of course, when the play date is at your house, be sure that she doesn’t have two toddlers to contend with; arranging a play date for her too (preferably, at the other child’s home) will help assure that.