What to Expect the Toddler Years (264 page)

Yet, for almost every second-born (and third-, fourth-, and fifth-born), this diminished attention turns out to be a plus. Instead of growing up feeling like a second-class citizen, second-borns seem to thrive. The lack of intensely focused parental attention doesn’t make him crave more, and often makes him able to do well with less.

Keep in mind, too, that different children (regardless of birth order) can require completely different amounts and applications of attention and affection and that each child’s needs change over time. As long as you give your second child as much love as your first, don’t deny either one needed attention, and give each some special time alone with you, you’re not shortchanging either child.

“Now that our youngest is old enough for a big bed, we’d planned on moving him out of our room and into his seven-year-old brother’s room. But our older son is not happy about this at all; he doesn’t want to share a room with a ‘baby.’”

When you’re used to living solo, two can be a crowd—especially when your new roommate is a younger sibling. But since parents can’t be expected to buy a new house, rent a new apartment, or build a new addition just to satisfy a child’s desire to keep his room to himself, your oldest will have to come to terms with the move. Help him by:

Understanding his reluctance. Instead of dismissing his complaints with a dogmatic “Your brother’s moving in, and that’s that!” or sending him on a guilt trip (“It’s not very nice of you not to want to share your room with your brother”), encourage your older child to air his feelings. Explain that you understand that he’s upset, but that you don’t have a choice about moving his brother in. If you had to “room” with a sibling as a child, share your experience with him—and talk about any mixed feelings you had. Reassure him that you’ll do everything you can to protect his space and his belongings, and that he won’t be expected to share everything else just because he’s sharing his room.

Dividing his room. Even if he can’t have a room to call his own, perhaps he can have an area of his own. The use of a room divider, such as a stretch of child-safe railing (see page 626) secured to the floor, separating the two play and sleeping areas, can help your older son feel less unhappy about the impending move. So can allowing him to decorate his side of the room his way, to make it distinctly his. Also make sure that your older child will have enough space to store his toys safely out of his brother’s reach (to protect not only his toys, but his brother’s safety as well).

Letting him have his room to himself, sometimes. Occasionally, allow your older child to play alone in the bedroom while you keep your toddler occupied in another room. Or set up play dates for the younger child outside of the house on days when the older one’s entertaining a friend at home, and vice versa.

Playing up the benefits of sharing—having company at night, having some-one to talk to as you fall asleep, having someone who can eventually share in keeping the room neat. But do this only if the sharing will go on for several years more—otherwise, a move to a house with separate bedrooms may lead to another rebellion: “I don’t want to sleep alone!”

“Ever since we brought home our new son three weeks ago, our toddler has been incredibly patient and good. Does this mean that she’s suppressing her true feelings, and that we’re in for trouble up the road?”

Since every child is unique, every child’s reaction to a new sibling is likely to be unique, too. While the stereotypical toddler responses to a new baby—regression, jealousy, resentment toward her new sibling and/or her parents—are normal, so is the less typical response your toddler is having.

Just because your daughter seems to be adapting well to the new addition doesn’t necessarily mean she’s internalizing anger that will later boil over. It’s possible that she’s enjoying her new role as older sibling, especially likely if you’ve been including her in the new baby’s care. And it’s also possible that she hasn’t felt slighted by the baby, especially likely if you’ve been doing a good job of showing her that your love for her hasn’t changed. Be prepared, however, for a possible change of heart when the baby is old enough to become a pest (see page 734).

But there’s also the possibility that your concerns are well founded, and that your toddler
is
suppressing her true feelings. Some young children fear that expressing their negative feelings toward a new sibling will jeopardize their parents’ love for them; others are natural bottle-uppers who routinely need encouragement to uncap their feelings. To make sure your older child gets a chance to air anything that might be bothering her, be available for impromptu discussion. If she doesn’t initiate, bring up the issue yourself: “How does it feel to be a big sister? What do you like about having a baby in the house? What don’t you like?” When the baby spends the whole afternoon crying or when the diapers and nursing seem endless, be honest and open about your own ambivalent feelings: “I love your baby brother, but sometimes I get really tired of listening to his crying” or “Babies need so much taking care of!” If your toddler expresses some not-so-nice sentiments, tell her that you understand how she feels, and that no one is going to get mad at her for having or sharing mad or sad feelings. Be equally patient and understanding if she begins regressing (see next question)—either early on or later as a delayed reaction to the baby’s intrusion into her life. Toileting accidents, a return to baby talk, clamoring for the breast or bottle, renewed thumb sucking, are all possible and very normal responses in an older child who feels she’s lost her special place in her parents’ hearts.

Sometimes an older sibling uses “perfect” behavior as a means of getting the attention she craves from her parents—attention she once had all to herself, but now has to compete for. The greatest risk in such a situation is that the delighted parents begin heaping on responsibilities (“Please fetch me a diaper” . . . “Please play by yourself while I feed the baby”. . . “Stand next to the bed so the baby doesn’t roll off”) long before the child is developmentally or emotionally ready to handle them. When the child is unable to meet the expectations, she loses parental approval. Not only does her self-esteem take a beating in the process, but her feelings of resentment toward the new baby inevitably build.

Don’t wait for your older child to become a squeaky wheel before you break out the oil. Even if she doesn’t seem to be craving attention, make sure she gets plenty of it, and often. Spend time with her without the baby even if she doesn’t ask for it, commend her generous nature and good behavior instead of taking it for granted or coming to expect it, and let her know that her place in your hearts is special and no one else can ever fill it.

“Our almost-three-year-old son has been clingy and cranky since his baby sister was born. He wants to nurse and to wear diapers and acts more like a baby than the baby does!”

For a toddler who has enjoyed center stage his entire life, the arrival of a major scene-stealer is often upsetting—and understandably so. Also understandable is the frequent result: a wide range of behavioral issues, including regression (often in toileting, language, behavior); open or covert resentment (toward the new arrival, his parents, or both); sleeping disturbances, eating struggles, stepped-up tantrums, and negativity.

That your toddler’s reactions are normal doesn’t make them any easier to take; just as understandable as his clinginess and crankiness is the difficult time you have dealing with them. But it’s now—when he’s hardest to take—that your son needs you the most. You can help him weather the transition from only child to older child if you:

Let him be your baby.
Let him cling, let him cry, let him curl up in your lap, let him suck his thumb and carry around his blanket, and if he asks, let him drink from the baby’s bottle or, if you feel comfortable doing so, take a nip from your breast (he’ll soon tire of the effort involved in getting a drink that way, or may not even remember how to suckle). If he wants to drink from a bottle, let him—but fill it only with water. If he complains that the baby gets to drink milk, explain that when she has a lot of teeth she won’t get milk in a bottle, either.

Don’t criticize him for acting like a baby, but let him know that you and he both know he’s only pretending: “It looks like you’re having fun playing baby.” Denying him his right to take a few steps backward or telling him he has to always act like a big boy will only prolong his second babyhood. Instead, be sensitive to his feelings: “I can understand why you want to be a baby again—after all, it seems like everybody is busy with the baby.” Reassure him that he’ll always be your “baby,” even when he’s a much bigger boy, and that he doesn’t have to act like a baby for you to want to cuddle him and love him.

Cheer his grown-up behavior.
Whenever he demonstrates maturity, be quick to acknowledge it. Take the occasional opportunity to point out the benefits of being the big brother, such as being able to eat real food (and getting to help pick the menu), play with fun toys, have play dates, and go on the swings. When you’re eating ice cream cones together, remind him: “Poor Amy, she can’t have an ice cream cone; she’s just a baby.” When he’s in line for a pony ride at the zoo, point out: “You’re lucky you’re a big boy; you can ride on the pony.” Let him know how great you think it is that he can get his shoes on by himself, put puzzles together, and use a spoon and fork.

Allow him to vent any resentment.
Letting your toddler know that you understand if he’s angry at the baby and giving him a chance to vent that anger will help it to dissipate faster. If he says,
“I want to give that baby back,” don’t contradict him with, “I know you don’t really mean that. You love our baby.” Instead, acknowledge his feelings, and encourage him to talk about them. Say, “It’s okay to be angry. Sometimes I get angry, too. But it helps if I talk about it.” Give him some crayons and paper and urge him to draw a picture of how he feels if the words aren’t enough.