What to Expect the Toddler Years (267 page)

Unwind with your toddler.
Spending quiet, quality time together can be very
therapeutic for both of you. Try relaxing together on the front lawn and watching the clouds pass or the stars twinkle in the sky, lying down together on your bed and listening to soothing music, baking cookies together, exercising together, even taking a bath together (wear a bathing suit if you’re uncomfortable bathing nude with her)—whatever you find relaxes you. And don’t forget the best therapy of all: a loving hug.

Unwind without your toddler.
Slowing the pace for a while—with a dinner out with your spouse or best friend, a leisurely hot bath, twenty minutes of yoga, a brief meditation, or a relaxation exercise—can often lift the veil of depression.

Take care of yourself.
What’s good for the body is also good for the mind; good health habits can promote good mental health. Make sure that you get enough sleep, eat regularly and correctly (besides following sensible nutrition principles, keep in mind that too much sugar seems to contribute to moodiness in some people); don’t abuse alcohol (one or two drinks a day can be fine for some people, but for others, that same exact quantity can lead to depression or other issues; more than one or two drinks a day is generally too much for anyone, and if you find that you can’t stop at just one or two drinks, you should seek help from a qualified substance abuse counselor); get plenty of exercise (the endorphins released during a workout actually do generate an exercise-induced “high”; see page 771 for tips on fitting exercise into your hectic schedule).

Have a good cry.
One way to shake the blues is to cry them out; studies show that crying can help to improve mood by ridding the body of depression-triggering chemicals, which exit with the tears. So let them flow. When it’s possible, do your crying when your toddler is sleeping or out of the house. When it’s not, don’t worry—occasionally seeing you cry won’t be harmful to her; see the next question for more on crying in front of your toddler.

Have a good laugh.
Psychologists have found that smiling and laughing, even if forced, can lift a person’s mood. Rent a funny DVD, watch a silly situation comedy, smile at your toddler frequently during the day. It will do you both good.

Get help if you need it.
If your slumps come often or the tips above don’t help you out of them, if your feelings of sadness interfere with your functioning (either as a parent or a person), and/or if your depression is accompanied by sleeplessness, lack of appetite, loss of interest in yourself and your family, feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, thoughts of hurting yourself, and/or lack of control, get professional help
promptly
—for your sake, as well as for your child’s sake. Moods are contagious; if you’re depressed, your child could become depressed, too, which could result in growth, behavior, sleep, and other physical and emotional problems.

“My father died recently, and when I was reading a story to my daughter last night, something in it made me think of him—and I started crying. Is that a terrible thing for a parent to let a child see? Could I have traumatized her?”

Letting your child see that you have emotions—sad as well as happy—and that you’re not afraid to express them is not terrible or traumatizing but extremely beneficial. Children who grow up thinking that feelings are something that should be kept under lock and key, even around those they love, can become emotionally handicapped.

But seeing the tears start flowing for no apparent reason can be confusing, so give her a simple explanation: “I felt sad for a minute because I was thinking of my daddy; I miss him, so I started to cry. But I feel better now. And giving you a hug will make me feel even better. Then we can finish reading this book together.”

However, if you find yourself being swept away by your emotions, if weeping turns to wailing, if you’re sad a great deal of the time, or if your toddler seems frightened by your behavior, get help dealing with your grief.

“My husband and I don’t fight a lot, but we do fight, sometimes in front of our son. I know it’s healthy to work out disagreements, but is it something we ought to be doing in front of him?”

It depends how you fight and how often you’re doing it. If your arguments are infrequent and are models of correct conflict resolution—that is, you treat each other and each other’s ideas with respect; you give and take (for example, by listening to each other’s opinions and gripes without interrupting); you don’t resort to name calling, destructive criticism, nagging, humiliation, taunting, or violence; and you practice the art of compromise—then you’re doing both your marriage and your toddler a favor. If you get across the notion to your toddler that partners can disagree (even when they care about each other), and that disagreements can be a constructive and positive force in a relationship, you will have transmitted an invaluable life lesson. Keep all of your disagreements behind closed doors, and your toddler could grow up with unrealistic expectations of what relationships are about.

To be sure that your disagreements remain constructive, observe the following rules: One, make sure that the occasional squabble doesn’t turn into constant bickering. Two, don’t argue in front of your toddler about subjects that might make him feel insecure, uncomfortable, or unloved (his behavior, for instance, or his beloved grandfather’s smoking, or marriage or financial problems). Three, avoid arguments that are clearly destructive and negative; hysterical voices, slammed doors, and banged fists that lead to hurt feelings not only chip away at a marriage but at your child’s sense of security. And four, never forget the most important part of an argument: Always kiss and make up to wrap up your arguments, making it clear that even when you argue, you still love each other.

“Both my husband and I work outside the home, but it seems like I end up doing most of the child care and housework anyway. The load I carry makes me feel resentful and put-upon, yet I can’t figure out how to get him to pitch in and do his share.”

Today’s fathers do a lot more around the house than their fathers did. They pitch in and help out in such traditionally female-dominated areas as child care, cooking, and cleaning (handling the diaper, the spatula, the wet mop, the washer and dryer more often and more skillfully than their fathers). They clock in more time, too. Studies show that dads 40 years ago spent just 2.5 hours a week on child care—while dads of the 21st century now put in about 7 hours. These evolved dads have also upped the amount of housework they do, from 4.4 hours a week to 9.6. And if you add up the total workloads of both moms and dads, including work inside and outside the home, it seems that dads are doing more of their fair share than ever before.

With all the extra hours dads are putting in at home, however, their added effort doesn’t always cover the many demands of an active, busy household—and it often falls to the moms to make up the difference. In fact, the division of labor continues to fall along traditional gender lines. A Gallup Poll found that 68 percent of married adults say the wife does the laundry, and 57 percent say the husband does the yard work. Women still oversee most of the housecleaning, decorating, cooking, grocery shopping, bill paying, and child care, while men’s domain seems to remain focused on the car and yard. Surprisingly, this division of labor seems similar no matter what the couples’ age, indicating that while family dynamics are more egalitarian than ever before, this evolution is a slow process.

Happily, a household in which the load is equally shared between both partners doesn’t have to wait for the next generation of families. It is gradually becoming a reality in more and more homes across the country. To make it a reality in yours—both for your sanity and so you will raise children who will be less affected by sexual stereotypes (seeing their fathers pitch in will make little boys much more likely to do their fair share when they grow up):

Call a parental summit.
Convene at a time when neither of you is preoccupied or in a rush. Express your feelings in a noncombative way; make a concerted effort to stay calm and rational. Let your husband know that carrying the household load is getting you down and wearing you out, and that you feel it’s time for a change. Give him some concrete examples of how the burden is affecting you (you’ve become resentful, you never have time for yourself, you’re feeling spent) and how having him share it could bring about positive changes in your home (you’ll have more time to spend together as a couple, he’ll develop stronger ties with your toddler, having a more involved male role model will be healthy for your child).

Form a partnership.
Being a “partner” in house chores and child care is a lot more appealing than being a “mother’s helper”—and a partnership is more likely to be productive than an over-seer–underling relationship. Work out the terms of the partnership together, rather than you delegating jobs for him to dutifully carry out.

Divvy up the duties.
Partnerships are most successful when each partner contributes what he or she knows and does best: You’re a whiz at vacuuming, he scrubs the floors like no one else; you’re un surpassed at bedtime stories, he’s tops at giving baths. But realize that your spouse may need the opportunity to
prove himself in areas where he’s never before been tested. His prowess in the kitchen may have been limited so far to pouring a bowl of cold cereal. But given half a chance (and a pile of cookbooks), he may be able to earn his Cordon Bleu stripes. Though he may never have tackled giving medicine or taking a temperature, with a little practice, he may easily end up your toddler’s Florence Nightingale of choice.

Hold the criticism.
Allow your spouse to figure out his own way of handling child care and household chores. He’ll learn more effectively from his own mistakes and successes—than he would from your standing over his shoulder ready to advise or critique—and will feel more competent and confident sooner. It’ll also make him feel less like your sidekick and more like your partner.

Work as a team.
Group efforts are almost always more enjoyable, and thus more successful, than solo efforts. So plunge into chores together—you wield the dust rag, he pushes the vacuum; you do the peeling, he the chopping; you do the ironing, he does the folding; you do the baths, he does the tucking-in.

Aim for 50-50, but be flexible.
For a distribution of labor to be fair, each partner need not always do precisely 50% of the work. Depending on your work schedules, your skills, and the needs of the family and the exigencies of the day, what is fair is likely to fluctuate. There’ll be days when you do 70% to his 30% or he does 60% to your 40%—as long as there’s some balance to the equation, don’t keep running calculations.

Keep a schedule—or keep it loose.
Some couples prefer to schedule chores and child care so that there’s no question whose turn it is to cook dinner or pack the lunch box; some couples prefer a looser agenda (“I cooked dinner last night—it’s your turn.”). Opt for whatever works in your household, as long as both partners consistently do their share.

Rotate the jobs nobody wants.
Or draw lots. Whether it’s washing and drying the lettuce or shampooing your toddler, there are some jobs that are less desirable than others—and some that no one wants at all. Rotating these jobs or choosing chores out of a hat so no one’s always stuck with the unwanted jobs will reduce the buildup of resentment.

Pare down the workload.
Too much to do and not enough time to do it—even with both of you chipping in? Something’s got to give. Together, decide what that something—or the many somethings—might be. It could be touching up laundry with an iron, or dusting
all
the bookshelves, but make sure it isn’t time spent with your toddler, as a couple, or as a family that suffers.

As a last resort, strike.
You’ve stated your case for equal work around the house, but you still find yourself doing an inequitable share? Try making your point with peaceful protest. Stop doing your spouse’s laundry, stop clearing the dishes, stop making the bed, picking up the toys, straightening up the bathroom. Letting things go undone for a while may demonstrate just how much you actually do—and convince him to join the team.

“I’ve just come down with the flu. I’m achy, I’m feverish, I’m miserable. I don’t have to worry about giving it to my toddler—he gave it to me—but I don’t see how I can get better if I’ve got to run around after him all day.”

Having the flu is no picnic under the best of circumstances (as when you have someone to bring you chicken soup in bed, a solid supply of DVDs, a full box of tissues, and no responsibilities more pressing than the clicking of the remote control). But it can be particularly trying when you’re home alone with a toddler. Young children have little understanding of illness, and thus, generally little empathy for the sick. Especially when it’s a parent who is sick and the illness is interfering with their receiving the care and attention to which they’re accustomed.