What to Expect the Toddler Years (287 page)

What you need to know about an occasional sitter.
Everyone (unless Grandma is very available and very accommodating), needs a paid sitter occasionally. If you’re hiring a babysitter, as opposed to asking a family member or friend to stay with your child, there are some important factors to consider.

Age.
Some much older sitters may not have the energy to keep up if your child is very active (not a concern at nighttime, when your toddler will be sleeping most of the time you’re out), although others may be more energetic than younger sitters. Teenagers who love children often make excellent babysitters, but just how responsible they’ll be will depend on age and maturity.

Qualifications.
The more experience a caregiver has in child care, obviously, the better. Any sitter you hire should have first aid and CPR training, and be able to respond in an emergency. If you are using teenagers, look for those who have certificates from Safe Sitter, the Red Cross, or another sitter-training program that teaches teens child care, first aid, CPR, and choking rescue procedures.

References.
Make sure you check out references in person before you hire. Then try to watch the babysitter in action (consider paying her for a few
hours while she gets to know your child and your routines; see page 23). If you’re considering using a teenager who has training but no experience and you don’t know her or her family, speak to her teacher, parents, or clergyperson to learn something about her.

Before you leave your toddler alone with a babysitter, set basic guidelines; let her know what you expect as far as the use of the phone and the television, the playing of loud music, and entertaining visitors (prohibited unless okayed ahead of time) are concerned. Also make sure she has access to you by phone, and, if she can’t drive or doesn’t have a car, that she has the phone number of a nearby available neighbor who can drive and has been informed that you’re going out, in case of an emergency. Leave a list of other emergency numbers (see the inside back cover) near each phone in your home.

Once you have a nanny or babysitter you think will do a good job, draw up a work agreement to help avoid misunderstandings. Include in your agreement an initial trial period of two to four weeks during which you both have the option to change your minds. Also specify:

Salary. Will there be a higher rate for overtime? Will the caregiver be paid daily, weekly, or monthly? Will the rate be a flat salary or an hourly rate?

Benefits. Paid vacation of two weeks plus national holidays off is fairly standard; some parents actually cover health insurance as a way of encouraging a good sitter to stay on.

Duties you expect performed. Keep in mind that a sitter who is required to mop floors, sort laundry, and prepare dinner may have less time to devote to your child; on the other hand, if some light household chores do get done while you’re at work, you’ll have more time to spend with your toddler when you’re at home.

The days and the hours you expect your sitter to work, and whether overtime will be expected. Remember that a live-in nanny or
au pair
can’t be expected to be on call round the clock. In most cases, they are expected to work five days and get most evenings off, to minimize the risk of burnout.

Accommodations, if the caregiver is to sleep in, as well as the ground rules on the use of the family telephone, entertainment equipment, Internet service, living space, kitchen, car, and so on. Some families find having live-in help impinges on privacy (though others delight in adding another member to their family); most find such an arrangement works best if a separate “suite” can be set aside (with a separate entrance, a private bathroom, and a mini-kitchen, if possible).

As an employer, you are required to pay withholding and unemployment tax, and need to keep on file a nanny’s W4 and I9 (proof of citizenship or possession
of a green card). Quarterly, the government requires a 941 form for withholding and Social Security, plus many other forms; check with local government offices or your accountant. The International Nanny Association (see page 814) offers a health insurance policy for nannies, or speak to your local agent about a policy. Your homeowner’s insurance should cover injuries to employees, but you may also want to pay disability insurance. Paying for your nanny’s membership in a professional organization may be worthwhile, since it allows her to network with other caregivers who are also serious about their work.

Just as important as your initial agreement with your child’s caregiver is continuing communication. Meet regularly with her to talk about how things are going, and supplement these meetings by setting up a chalkboard, journal, or memo system (like some day-care centers do) to pass messages back and forth. Have your sitter jot down notes about naps, meals, play, tantrums, toilet-learning progress, whether a bowel movement was passed (if this is an issue), developmental steps forward (new words spoken, for example), as well as any anecdotes she would like to share with you.

Be alert both during the trial period and later for signs that things aren’t right; see below.

You’ve found the babysitter or day-care center of your dreams—or at least, one you’re fairly sure you won’t have nightmares about. Can you relax? Of course not; a parent’s work is never done. Periodic evaluations of a current child-care situation are just as important as the initial selection. So, be watchful for signs that the situation may have soured:

Your child’s behavior.
Clues that your child isn’t thriving with present child care may include: the development of new eating or sleeping problems; marked unhappiness when the sitter arrives or when dropped off at day care (beyond normal separation anxiety)—the child seems truly miserable on being left, rather than just sad about your leaving; marked unhappiness at the end of the day; uncharacteristic withdrawal; stepped-up behavior problems. If providing your toddler with plenty of reassurance (see, too, the tips on page 22 for dealing with separation problems) doesn’t seem to help, and the behavior difficulties seem directly related to the child-care situation, consider popping home (or into day care or preschool) in the middle of the day on a few occasions to get a behind-the-scenes look. If some of the parents of your child’s playmates are available, ask them to try to observe your at-home sitter in action (at play dates, on the playground) and let you know how they feel she’s doing. Do not ignore signs of unhappiness in your child that last more than a month, and be especially concerned (and react immediately) if he or she seems truly frightened or has frequent nightmares, unexplained bruises, or other signs of abuse (see page 826).

The caregiver’s behavior.
A good care-giver is responsive, communicative, and respectful of you, your child, and your wishes (as you should be in return). If your child’s caregiver displays few or none of these qualities, is chronically late or absent, seems lethargic or uncaring, has mood swings, or exhibits other troubling behavior (see page 812), a problem may exist.

If, on evaluation, you conclude that the behavior of your child, the care-giver, or both is cause for concern, take action. As soon as feasible, meet with the caregiver (or the day-care director) to discuss your concerns. If the discussion doesn’t lead to a noticeable improvement, consider revamping your child-care arrangements.

Depending on your child and the situation, a change of caregivers can be insignificant (your child doesn’t blink an eye when the switch is made), reason to celebrate (you let go of a poor sitter and hire a good one), or traumatic (a sitter to whom your child has become very attached leaves suddenly).

When the change is traumatic, you can soften the blow by being sensitive to your child’s feelings during the adjustment. Ask the departing caregiver for a photo, which your toddler can keep next to the crib or bed if desired. Reminisce with your child about the sitter and encourage a free expression of feelings about the departure. At the same time, keep as many of your child’s routines the same as possible, and avoid any other unnecessary upheaval at this point; predictability brings comforting reassurance.

Be patient and understanding while your child gets used to the new care-giver. But don’t give your child the impression that you share his or her ambivalence; instead, make it clear that you like the new person and feel confident in her abilities. Don’t act overly concerned or hesitant when the two meet (even if your toddler balks). Think, and act, positive, and your toddler will adjust faster and with less fuss.

And hope that this time the caregiver will stay as long as you need her to.

While there’s no formal preparation needed for preschool (except that for some preschools, toilet learning will need to be completed), there’s nothing wrong with a little head start. Familiarize your toddler with some of the fundamentals of preschool life by: