What to Expect the Toddler Years (289 page)

Though it’s best for a child who’s too sick to go to day care or preschool to be home with a parent, many parents unfortunately can’t afford to take time off to nurse their child back to health. A few child-care facilities (mostly corporate centers) offer sick care, either in a sick bay at the facility, in a hospital (the unfamiliar setting may be unduly frightening to a sick child), or, rarely, at home (a caregiver is sent to care for the sick child). In some
cities, home sick care is available through government subsidy. Universal availability of sick care for children of working parents—or, better still, of a plan that allows the parents to stay home without sacrificing their paychecks—would, of course, be the ideal solution.

What was once unthinkable—physical and sexual abuse of young children by their caregivers in day-care centers and preschools—is now very much on the minds of parents across the country, thanks to a handful of highly publicized cases. Although such abuse is relatively rare, when it does take place, it can be traumatizing for both toddler and parents.

Choosing child care according to the guidelines in this chapter will improve the odds that your child will be in good hands, but it isn’t a guarantee. The following are some additional precautions that parents can take to help prevent their children from becoming victims of abuse:

Give your child plenty of love, attention, and healthy affection. The children who are most likely to be abused—or who are most likely to suffer abuse in silence—are those who feel as though they aren’t receiving enough love at home. Children who feel well loved are also more likely to have a stronger sense of self and higher self-esteem, and are less likely to be emotionally needy; such neediness can make a child more vulnerable to the advances of child abusers.

Keep privates private. For the toddler, the time right around toilet learning is often one of heightened interest in genitals—their own and others’. Take this opportunity to introduce your toddler to the concept of body ownership: that the private parts of the body are one’s own to touch and one’s own to control. Parents and babysitters may need to wash a toddler’s genitals in the bath, and doctors and nurses will sometimes need to touch them during an examination, but no one else should be allowed to touch them without the child’s permission. Since most toddlers know touching their genitals feels “good,” it could confuse your toddler to try to differentiate between “good touch” and “bad touch.” And don’t worry that letting your toddler explore his or her own genitals will cause sexual overstimulation that might lead to sexual abuse; children who are taught that this kind of self-touching is “bad” are more likely to fall prey to sexual molestation than those who are taught that it’s okay, but private.

Ask your child to tell you if someone does something hurtful or that makes him or her feel bad. Always investigate such reports, no matter how farfetched they may seem (see box, facing page).

Avoid authoritarian discipline. Children who are rigidly controlled by domineering parents—who are taught to comply with authority without question—are more liable to accept an adult caregiver’s sexual or physical abuse without question. Giving children plenty of opportunities to think for themselves and make their own decisions can help them speak up in such a situation.

You want the best caregiver you can find for your toddler—someone who’s loving, responsive, attentive; someone your toddler dotes on; someone who dotes on your toddler. Someone who’s as much like a parent as possible, so your toddler won’t miss you so much when you’re not there.

Or do you?

Of course you do. But if you’ve chosen a really good caregiver, and your child has become attached to her—possibly, very attached—you’re bound to feel some rivalry and resentment. It’s only natural to wonder, as another person takes your child into her arms each morning, whether she’s also taking your place in your child’s heart. Sure, you want your child to be happy during the day, but sometimes it hurts to see him or her
that
happy. Sure, you want your child to separate easily from you when you leave for work, but it threatens the parental ego when separation is
too
easy.

There’s liable to be competition, too, and from both sides. As a parent, you’d like to think that no one can calm, occupy, feed, and amuse your child as well as you can. But it’s a child-care provider’s job to try—she is paid to focus her attention on your child. When you see the provider has been doing her job well, it’s comforting and yet, at the same time, it can be disturbing.

Such feelings are normal—and many parents experience them. But while other people can do a good job of caring for your child—and, hopefully, will continue to, as needed, throughout the growing-up years—no one can take your place. Care providers may come and go, and they often do, but you, the parent, are there for the long haul—and your child, no matter how young, knows it. A child’s relationship with a parent may be more complicated and often conflicted, but this intensity makes it all the more meaningful.

If your child is affectionate toward the caregiver, take it as a sign that you’ve made a good choice. If your child is so engrossed in play with the caregiver that you feel invisible when you walk in the door at the end of the day, take it as a sign that the situation is working. If your child behaves all day for the sitter, saving up the tantrums for you, take it as a sign that your child feels secure enough in your love to misbehave in your presence (see page 244).

In other words, stop worrying and be happy—that your toddler’s happy.

It doesn’t have to be a rainy day for you to run out of activities that keep your toddler busy—and happy. (How many hours can you spend at the park or in the backyard, after all—even under the bluest skies?) The following are a sampling of toddler-tested, time-honored activities that’ll prove just as satisfying on a sunny afternoon as they will on a rainy one. Make your selections according to your toddler’s age and stage of development.

Crayons, redux.
What to do with that growing pile of crayon nibs and squibs that your toddler won’t touch? Recycle them into multicolor crayon balls. Together peel the paper wraps off the crayons and combine pieces of several different colors together in a plastic sandwich bag. Seal the bag with tape or tie it with a rubber band and leave it in the sun or in a baking dish placed in a just-warm oven until the crayons have softened. Mold the molten mass into balls and refrigerate until firm—and get ready for some colorful coloring.

Be lyrical.
Compose new lyrics to a favorite song. Pick a song, any song, and take turns singing it with made-up words, the sillier the better. Or try to communicate only in song for a few minutes on the way to the supermarket or while you’re making dinner—creating a sort of parent-child operetta.

Follow the leader.
Take turns being the leader who decides when to crawl, when to run, when to clap hands, when to hop, when to jump. Alternatively, one of you can shout out action directions (“Stretch! Touch your toes! Walk very fast!”) while the other performs them. Or play “copy cat,” and take turns making funny faces that the other can imitate. A simplified, low-pressure (no losers or winners) form of Simon Says not only can be fun for toddlers, it can improve their coordination and their ability to follow directions.

Play ball.
Learning to catch isn’t easy for toddlers. Make it easier by using a ball that’s big enough to eyeball but not so big that it can knock your toddler over. Have your toddler stand with arms out and palms up. Standing close (less than a foot away to start with), toss the ball gently into your toddler’s hands and instruct him or her to “hug” it so it won’t fall out. Acknowledge unsuccessful attempts with “Good try.” Once catching at that distance has been mastered, move a little farther away. Also try bouncing the ball to your toddler at an easy-to-grab height.

Get gooey.
Mix some cornstarch with water to a gruel-like consistency—then dig in with your hands. Show your toddler how the mixture feels when you squeeze it in your hand and when you let it ooze between your fingers. This activity can be used to pass time when you’re in the kitchen cooking or as tension-relaxation therapy.

String your toddler along.
Once your child’s old enough to be trusted with smaller objects, provide a variety of safe stringables (spools, large pasta tubes, cereal circles, big buttons, large wooden beads) to thread onto a piece of thin plastic tubing (because it’s relatively rigid, the tubing is easier for small hands to manipulate and safer than ordinary string) or a shoelace.

Bowl ’em over.
Line up a few empty plastic soda bottles, unopened rolls of paper towels, or stuffed animals (vary the “pins”), and show your toddler how to roll a large rubber ball to knock them over. You can even try knocking over a block pile if the ball is heavy enough.

Make maracas.
Fill several small, slim-necked, easy-to-grasp plastic bottles with rice, macaroni, and/or dried beans. Secure the bottle cap with masking tape and let your toddler shake, shake, shake to lively Latin tunes. (Allow your toddler to use this instrument only under supervision—given time, most tots can remove the tape and unscrew the cap.)

Blow bubbles.
Toddlers love to chase bubbles. To add challenge to the chase, blow the bubbles outdoors on a windy day or indoors with a child-safe fan whipping them about.

Trace a toddler.
Have your toddler stretch out on a sheet of newsprint. Then trace his or her shape with a marker and hand it over for your young artist to decorate before you display it.

Cross the river.
Lay out two long sticks about six to eight inches apart on a non-slippery surface (sand, carpeting, grass). Pretend that the space between the sticks is a river, and take turns crossing it. You can also try building a “bridge” (using a wide board or a large flat book, for instance) or a pattern of “stepping stones” across your river. For realism, add a few rubber ducks.