What's His Is Mine (19 page)

I
had to find out what was going on with DeCarious. I hoped we didn't move too fast and now he was scared I wanted to tie him down. He brought up the marriage talk, not me. He kept telling me I was going to be his wife and I was the one—not me.

I hadn't talked to my man in two weeks now and I didn't know how to feel. I knew he had my e-mail address, my cell phone number, and my adress if he wanted to reach me. I tried to just blame it on our schedules, like maybe he was just caught up, but the football season was over.
What could he be doing? Where the hell is he, and why hasn't he answered my calls?

I just wanted to go to work and listen to my friends Alicia and Mary sing. Yes, Ms. Keys and Ms. Blige are on heavy rotation. Those two are the only people who understood what I was going through, because Toni really didn't. Her only advice was,
Girl, I already told you. Forget about him. Why are you tripping over a few months of dating someone? Get over it. If he hasn't called, that's your answer. I told you from the beginning that you should not get serious with an athlete.
And all I could tell her was DeCarious was different. He really cared about me. He really loved me. I wasn't crazy. I knew how he felt about me. But to be honest, I didn't know if that was true anymore. I kept asking myself what I did wrong, but I came to the conclusion that I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't me, it was him that made our relationship go at an accelerated pace. He gave me an all-access pass to his life, which I didn't ask for, but I was foolish enough to swing it around my neck. I'm so embarrassed he had me around his family and friends. Why would he do that if he was playing games? And then all that stupid talk of us getting married. He had me believing I was really going to be Mrs. Simmons because he said it in front of everyone. I thought he was the one.

I was about to be sick. I needed answers. I wanted to call him, but he should call me. I felt like screaming.

Instead I called my big sister. “Toni, DeCarious has not called or texted me in weeks. I called him and he didn't answer.”

“So, the honeymoon is over. If he didn't call you, he is not thinking about you, so just go ahead with your life and have fun. A man who wants you calls you.”

“I know. I know, but I was just thinking maybe he is busy or he is going through something. Maybe he thinks we rushed our relationship. I don't know. I'm really confused right now, Toni.”

“Well, he hasn't returned any of your calls, so just go to his house.”

“I just can't go to his house.”

“Why not? You go there and you have him explain all this to you.”

“You're right. I'm going to go there.”

“All right, call me when you get there.”

Toni was right. I needed a logical explanation for why he had not returned any of my calls. I got in my car and drove to his house. I was in a rush and I needed answers. I needed clarity. If he was scared about our relationship, I would understand. Maybe we could slow down a bit. If he wanted to date other people I'd be upset, but we could work through it. I don't know. I just needed to know.

 

 

As I drove up to DeCarious's house, I saw his truck. I was so scared to knock on the door. When I did, he opened the door and said, very frankly, “What are you doing here?” He slid out the door and started walking toward the driveway. I followed behind him.

“What am I doing here? I haven't heard from you, DeCarious. What's going on?” I looked at him. He looked bothered, like he hadn't had a lot of sleep.

“Nothing's going on, but I can't talk to you right now.”

“What do you mean, nothing's going on? I haven't talked to you in about two weeks. You haven't returned any of my calls.”

“Cherise, listen. Can I talk to you a little later? I have a lot going on. We need to sit down and talk, and right now is not a good time and you won't understand.” He had this coldness in his eyes as he spoke to me, like he wasn't my DeCarious. He was talking to me like I was a stranger. I felt myself becoming emotional. I didn't want to cry and reveal how much pain I was in right now. I could not detect if he cared or not.

“DeCarious, can you please talk to me?” I begged and grabbed his arm.

He snatched it away and said, “No, you have to leave, Cherise. I'll call you later.”

I didn't want to get physical with him, but I felt like I wanted to grab him and make him stand still and talk to me. I didn't know who was in the house and I didn't want to cause a scene, but I wasn't about to leave until we talked and he gave me some type of answer.

“No, I'm not going anywhere. Make me understand what I did wrong. Please tell me what it is.” I felt weak.

And then he said the words that all people in love never want to hear from the person they love. “It's not you.”
It's not you
means, one hundred percent sure, it was me. What did I do wrong? My face began to scrunch up as I tried to hold the flowing tears back.

“But you just . . . we were perfect. You told me you loved me and you cared about me and you never felt this way about anyone so soon.”

“You're right, we were perfect. I care about you, but you are not going to understand and I can't tell you right now.”

I tried as best I could to hold back the tears. I didn't want to feel like a crybaby, but I couldn't help it.

“Cherise, don't cry. Please, don't cry.” He didn't reach out to me, to try to stop my tears or pain. He just seemed more frustrated by the sight of my emotions. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward my car and said, “Cherise, it's not you. We had something good. You are perfect, but I got married.”

Everything stopped. I mean, he just told me he got married. What the hell? To who, for what, how, when, why? My sadness instantly went to anger. I couldn't believe this BS. “DeCarious—to who?”

“My daughter's mother.”

“Are you kidding me? You married that crazy gold digger you were always talking about? The one who everyone said had a baby by you to take your money? The one you just introduced me to?”

“It doesn't even matter, but she is not like that anymore. She goes to church and she is pregnant. She wants to be a family now. I owe her that and I want all my children by one woman. I don't have to explain anything else to you, and if you don't leave right now I'm going to call the cops on you.”

“Call the cops on who? Me?” I stood in shock for a moment. I didn't know what else to do. I was hurt. I felt tears streaming down my face. I was so embarrassed. I had to walk away, I couldn't let him see me cry.

I got in my car and drove away. I don't know how fast I was going. But I knew I had to get far away from his house before I did something I would regret. As soon as I stopped, I put my face in my hands and began to cry. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so naïve? I thought they weren't together, because he introduced me as his girlfriend. I met his mother. He had me around his daughter. He told me I was the one. I was the fucking one. How could he do this to me?
Damn it, DeCarious. I believed you.

When I left DeCarious's house I was so furious. How? Why? I guess it didn't even matter. How embarrassing was this going to be? I was glad I was smart enough to always deny our relationship. I was so glad I told everyone we were just friends. This was just all too unbelievable.

Damn it. I was just trying to block the last half hour out of my memory. I would go crazy trying to dissect what I did that was so wrong that DeCarious would run and marry a women he despised. And he said she was pregnant—when and how did that happen? It didn't make sense, and I couldn't try to understand it. I took a deep breath and told myself
no tears, no tears,
as more dripped from the corners of my eyes. I felt like I didn't want to go home and cry and play a victim. I didn't want to go to Toni's house and hear I told you so. I wished I had somebody—anybody—to talk to. Just as that thought popped into my head, Gavin called.

“Hey, you.”

“Hey, Gav. What are you doing?”

“Nothing. Sitting here working on a story. I haven't heard from you in a while. Wanted to just check up on you.”

“That's nice of you. Where are you?” I asked.

“I'm home. Why? What's up?”

“I'm coming over.”

“To my house? What for?” he asked in a high voice.

“Yeah, I'll be there in about fifteen minutes.”

“Why now? What, you and your man having problems?”

I was already upset. I didn't need him to ask me stupid, but very accurate questions. “No, I'm not having any problems, but if you don't want my company—Never mind, I'm not coming,” I said as I ended the call. Gavin called right back.

“I didn't say that, Cherise. I want you to come. I just wasn't sure why you were coming, but whatever the case I would love to see you.”

I didn't respond. He had irritated me already. I should just go home, get under the covers, and sulk until it was time for me to go to work.

“Cherise, are you there?” he asked in a panic.

“Yes, I heard you. I'll be there.”

Gavin was waiting for me in the lobby of his apartment building. He was all smiles. He gave me a quick hug. When we got to his apartment, he opened his door and asked if I wanted anything to drink. Yes, I did—several of them. I came in and I had a seat.

 

 

Several drinks and movie later, I didn't feel any better, but I knew what
would
make me feel better. I scooted over to Gavin and pushed him down on the sofa and began kissing him. He was so shocked he pushed me off of him.

“What's going on, Cherise?”

“Nothing,” I said as I stood up and stood two centimeters away from him.

“Cherise, what are you doing? Stop—let's talk. What's going on? What's happening?” He was asking too many questions. Maybe he was gay and didn't know how to say it.

“Nothing is happening. I want this and so do you,” I said as I took off my clothes and began undressing him.

He stopped me again and said, “Hold up, Cherise. What does this mean?”

“It doesn't mean anything. I want this and so do you,” I repeated as I placed my finger in front of his lips, silencing him. He was still in a state of shock, but became a participant anyway. He took off his shirt and began kissing me all over. He went from my neck to my navel in a matter of seconds. After several moments of heated kissing, Gavin went into his wallet and grabbed a condom. He tore the wrapper and placed it on his erectness. I couldn't wait for him to enter me. I couldn't wait for him to make love to me, to make me feel good. I needed to feel like a woman. I needed to feel desired. He turned off the lights and then his warm body entered mine. It felt amazing. I needed it. I needed all of what he was giving me. For a moment my mind was off of DeCarious and all that he had just said to me.

But all I could think about was DeCarious. How I missed him. How he was supposed to make me feel like the way Gavin was making me feel. I wanted my man. A tear fell. My body started to shake and I started to cry again. Gavin stopped and turned the light on. I pulled the covers over my face.

“Cherise, are you crying?”

“I'm not crying.”

“Yes, you are. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No.”

“You're making me scared. Did I do something? Talk to me, Cherise. Are you okay? You have me feeling bad, like a rapist.”

“It's okay. You're not doing anything wrong.”

“No, something's up. I really like you, and I want you, but not like this.” He pulled the condom off and turned the television on. “Talk to me, Cherise. What's wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. Why did you stop?”

“Because I want you to talk to me and tell me what's going on with you.”

“I said nothing—now let's finish,” I said, holding tears back.

“No, not until you talk to me.” I wasn't going to talk to Gavin about what happened so I got up and walked into his bathroom. I began sobbing quietly in his shower.

I came out of the shower fifteen minutes later. I still didn't want to talk. I just got in the bed and lay beside him. I wrapped his arms around me and nodded off. I didn't want to be with Gavin, but I couldn't be alone.

 

 

In the morning I didn't feel any better about DeCarious. I wasn't sure if halfway sleeping with Gavin was a good idea, either.

I went to work, and as I entered my building Toni was ringing my phone. I didn't really want to talk, but I answered.

“Where have you been? The last thing I heard from you was that you were going to DeCarious's house. So what happened? Where have you been?”

“Gavin's house.”

“What? You spent the night with Gavin? Oh no, I don't like this. What happened when you went to DeCarious's house?” Toni asked.

“He pretty much said he is married and told me to leave before he called the police on me.”

“Married! To who? And he was going to call the police on you? Oh hell no!”

“Yup, he said he married his daughter's mother, because she is pregnant again.”

“But didn't you say he said she set him up with a baby before, and all she wants is his money? See, I hate women like that—using babies for a paycheck.”

“Well, her paycheck is going to be big, because she is pregnant again.”

“Oh my God, are you okay?”