What's His Is Mine (21 page)

M
y condo was an official No Slow Music zone. I refused to listen to any more love songs. I no longer wanted to hear how good love was. How no one ever made me feel like this, I'm ready for love, it kills me you are not around. No, no, no. I couldn't tolerate any of that nonsense right now. I didn't care if it was praising or condemning love. Only hip-hop or party music like Black Eyed Peas or Lady Gaga. I would rather hear some hardcore rapper saying no one was better than them, forget the world, and the hell with everyone. Yeah, that was how I felt. Forget everyone.

My baby, DeCarious, was gone completely. He never called one time. Not one time, to say I'm sorry, apologize to me, anything.

It was just still so hard to believe that I experienced our relationship on my own. I was wondering, how did we fit a lifetime into four months? We weren't even together that long, but he left his mark on my life. Maybe the entire relationship was a game to him. It hurt because I felt duped. Like the months I spent with him weren't real.

I found myself going to sleep every night dreaming, wishing, praying that DeCarious and I were back together. I just hoped it didn't take another two years to meet someone else who I connected with. I think that's what made the sex even better, because we were connected emotionally and physically.

Oh, how I missed my man. I still called DeCarious my man. Him loving to just taste me, him sucking on my breasts. I needed him. I felt warmth growing in my pelvic area. I wished he was here, to take care of that feeling. I needed DeCarious.

I would have given anything to turn over and feel him on the other side of the bed. I actually felt so mad at myself for wanting him. He left me with no explanation and made me track him down to tell me he married his no good baby's mother.

It was the same thing every day, doing the best job possible. Come home from work and then have a glass of wine. Get in the bed and drift off to fantasyland. In my own little world. DeCarious and me—every night I went to sleep, I was thinking about DeCarious. When I closed my eyes we were still together.

I wished I knew what I did wrong to make him leave me, to just out of nowhere tell me he loves me and then go marry his child's mother. It didn't make sense. I wanted to reach out to him. I thought of calling him. But I couldn't, even if he was interested in me and he wanted to have a relationship with me again. I did not want to be his mistress. I was so close to having DeCarious to myself and I didn't know what I did.

I awoke and went to work. This was going to be hard. The best descision I ever made was to keep this relationship a secret.

I
t had been a month and I was still not pregnant. How the hell did Zakiya get pregnant and I didn't? Go figure. I was so happy for her. I raised her right—she was going to be set for the rest of her life. I just had to get my own situation under control. I looked at the calendar, trying to see how off schedule my baby projection was going to be. I'd been fucking this dude nonstop and still nothing. I was so mad last week when my period came on. DeCarious was trying to touch me and feel all over me. I had to stop him and hide my tampons. In front of him I've been eating everything and trying to wear baggy clothes. Faking my pregnancy was a mess that was becoming a nightmare. I even had to act like I went to my first two doctor appointments. Most people waited for their period to come on—I wanted mine to go on a forty-week vacation. Shit.

DeCarious came in the house so happy. Asia and me were on the sofa watching television. “How are my girls?” he said as he kneeled down, kissed my stomach, and said, “Hopefully that's my son. Babe, when's your next appointment? I want to go with you. When are we going to find out what we are having?”

“I have to go every month, the same thing like with Asia,” I said, changing the subject.

“Okay, because I just want to do everything right and be there for you.”

“I know, babe,” I said as I got off the sofa to answer my ringing phone. I didn't recognize the number but I answered anyway.

“Hello.”

“Mrs. Simmons, this is Deirdre from Neiman Marcus.”

“Hi, Deirdre. What's going on?” It was a shame all the saleswomen knew me because I had been there so much in the last month.

“I know you would like these shoes I have. I only have two pairs of size eights.”

“Okay, I'll be right there,” I said, ending the call. I told DeCarious I was running to the mall. They would be the perfect shoes to wear out with Angelique when she came to town tomorrow.

 

 

I was looking in the mirror getting dressed to meet Angelique. We were going to get drinks then hang out a little. Miss Anne was going to watch Asia while I was out. I was trying to leave before DeCarious came home and asked a million and one questions. I was almost out the door when DeCarious came in.

“Where you going?”

“Out for a little bit with my friend Angelique. She just came to town.”

“I don't want you going out.”

“DeCarious, kiss my ass,” I said under my breath. My friend was in town and I was going out. I had been stuck in the house playing the good wife.

“I'm only hanging for a little bit, DeCarious. I don't go out all the time. My friend is in town.”

 

 

We went to the Key Club. It was so much fun. I had been in the house playing wifey and had forgotten about how much fun I have when I go out with Angelique.

I had one of the best nights of my life. I dropped Angelique off at her hotel. I was tipsy as hell. I didn't want to go home, but I couldn't stay out all night. I could blame being sick in the morning on my false pregnancy. When I got home, I tiptoed in the house, took a quiet shower, and got in the bed. I really overslept—it was one before I got up. I wiped my eyes and walked downstairs to the living room.

“Morning, baby. I'm hungry—you going to take me to get something to eat?”

“No,” he said, looking straight ahead.

“DeCarious, why are you starting to act like you are in your little mood?”

“I'm not in no mood.”

“Well, why are you being short?”

“I'm not being short with you.”

“Okay, well, you said you were taking me out to get something to eat. I don't understand what your problem is. If you are going to start on your bitch shit again, let me know so I can leave and have lunch by myself. I'm hungry and this baby is hungry.”

“Yo, you really get on my nerves sometimes,” I swear he said slowly.

“Okay, so what—I'm your wife and sometimes I'm going to get on your nerves, but I want to go to dinner and you are going to take me.”

“You are so immature sometimes.”

“I am hungry. I want food!” I screamed.

DeCarious dug inside of his pockets, took out a few hundred dollars, and threw them to me. “Well here, take yourself to lunch.”

“I hate you, DeCarious. I don't know what your problem is, but don't throw any money at me.”

“Get the fuck out my face then.”

“Okay, I don't have any clue what's going on. I'll get something to eat by myself. And then I'm going to the mall and I hope you like that,” I said as I walked toward the door.

“Come here, I'm sorry,” DeCarious said as he got up off the sofa and came to the door.

He grabbed me and I pulled away from him and said, “No, I don't understand. What's going on? You change from day to day.”

“I don't know. I just be tripping sometimes.”

“So you are going to take me to lunch?” I asked.

“Yeah, let me put my clothes on.” He hurried and put his clothes on. We went to this steak house. I sat in the car and waited for him to open my door.

“Pull up to valet.”

“They don't have valet here,” he said.

“What? I don't want to eat somewhere that doesn't have valet.”

“What?”

“You heard what I said. You think I want to eat somewhere where they don't have any valet?”

“You eat at restaurants without valet.”

“If they don't have valet they probably aren't four stars. So you need to start this car and take me somewhere else.”

“Yo, Adrienne, you tripping.”

“I'm not tripping. Take me home,” I said. DeCarious made a U-turn and began heading toward home.

“I can't believe you had me get dressed and ride all the way down here for this. You asked me to take you to lunch and I did. I do everything in my power to please you, but you still want to act like a bitch.”

“Oh, now you want to call me a bitch. Fuck you, DeCarious. What are you going to say to me? You are getting on my nerves. You have something you want to say, say it.”

“Man, my mama was right.”

“Your mama was right, what?”

“My mama said I shouldn't have married your ass.”

“I don't care what that lady said about me. Your mother ain't nobody to be judging anyone. What the fuck did she mean, you shouldn't have married me?”

“She said you ain't nothing but a gold digger and all you want to do is take my money and that's the only reason you married me.”

“That's not true, DeCarious.”

“It is true. All you care about is yourself and how much money you have and can spend. Do you even love me? Do you even care about me? Do you even care about our daughter? What have you done since we've been married but spend money, go to the mall, go to parties, buy cars, spend money? I got my fucking Amex statement yesterday. You spent nineteen thousand dollars in one month. What could you possibly have spent that much money on in one month? I'm not rich. I'm doing okay, but the way you're spending my money, I will be in the poorhouse. I'm starting to think you're putting money to the side or something. I got the statement right here. Don't tell me no, because I see it. If tomorrow I don't have any money I'm not going to have you. If it's all about the money, then I don't want to be with you.”

“DeCarious, it is not all about money.”

“But listen to what you're saying: If I don't take you to a restaurant with valet parking, then you can't eat there.”

“No.”

“You just said it. I don't know about this. I don't know if we should be married. I love my daughter and I love you, but I'm not sure if this could work out.”

“Yeah, well guess what? We are already married and ain't nothing you can do about it. You don't give up on a marriage that quick.”

The rest of the ride he remained silent. He was driving so erratically I put on my seat belt and closed my eyes. But even with my eyes closed I could feel him swerving lane to lane and going fast.

We pulled up to the house and I got out of the car and went in the house and slammed the door.

I said to myself as I went in the house,
How did he know I spent all that money? Nineteen thousand?
I tried to find receipts. I really had to get my spending under control. I couldn't believe it. It is just that I felt so powerful every time I swiped a credit card. There was just so much that I wanted. And since we've been married anything I ever wanted I have been able to buy. I loved DeCarious. I didn't want to lose him.
How can I make this up to him?
I asked myself as I paced back and forth in our room. His birthday was coming up—I could give him a party. I could give him a surprise party. I would call his mom and everybody would be happy and then he wouldn't be mad at me. I frantically wrote on a yellow notepad, plotting and planning DeCarious's party.
His party will be so nice, he won't think about divorcing me. I don't want a divorce. I like living this life. I like going into the store and buying whatever I want. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me.

I was going to invite everyone to the party. All his friends and family, even though his family despised me. But I would smile and bear it because it was not about them. It was about me and my daughter and our happiness. I needed security. Who wants to go back to getting up every morning and going to work? Raise your hand if you want to go back to the nine-to-five job. Not me. I wasn't raising my hand.

I was going to start a company or some kind of business so I could have my own money. Nineteen thousand in one month? That is crazy. I can't do that anymore. That's too much.

I
was so tired and drained. I was getting fat and constantly throwing up. I got big fast. I was only three months and my stomach was poking out a little. I think I was gaining weight so fast because I didn't have anything better to do than eat and watch movies.

Oklahoma was so boring. When Jabril was not here, I had nothing to do and nowhere to be.

Me and Claudette went to the mall all the time and we ordered everything off the menu—lobster tails, shrimp, juicy steaks. Then we went home and had a buffet. I was trying to hold back, because I was so scared of getting stretch marks like Lisa. But I was really scared of how it was going to feel when the baby came out. I was looking online and they say it feels worse than any pain you ever experienced in your life. I read sex makes it easier. So I was having sex with Jabril a lot. I didn't want the baby to split my insides open. Claudette said I was going to have a real big baby, because Jabril was almost ten pounds at birth. I might have to get a C-section. I hope not.

Jabril traveled so much. They had eighty-two games: forty-one at home, and forty-one on the road. I thought about going home for a few weeks, but he wanted me to stay there. He called me or texted before the games. After the games, he was usually so tired he would go back to the hotel and sleep or head to the airport to go to the next city for the next game.

When he was away, I missed him, but he sent me flowers, teddy bears, and presents. That made me feel good, because at least I knew he was thinking about me.

But it wasn't all bad. One thing I realized is that people treat you really nice when you are pregnant. When I walked through the mall someone would always open the door for me, and Wendell and Claudette acted like I was carrying a baby king in my stomach. Jabril called the baby JS2 and talked about him like he was already born.

 

 

I missed being in Philly, but I knew I had it so much better here. I'd been calling Lisa, but she had a new boyfriend and was always out. Adrienne checked in on me and I called Elena, too. She couldn't believe I moved to Oklahoma.

Claudette knocked on the bedroom door and said that my phone was ringing downstairs. She had already answered it for me. She handed me the phone and left.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Cousin.”

“Who is this?”

“Your favorite cousin . . . It's Jade.”

My favorite cousin? What did Jade want?
I thought. “What's up, Jade?”

“Cousin, I heard the good news. Congratulations. You are so lucky.”

“Thank you. So what's up?”

“Nothing, really. I was calling you because I was on this Web site, SkirtsOnTheScene.com, and I saw your boyfriend hugged up with all these girls at some club in Miami called the 400 Club.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and there were girls all over him. But you guys are still together, right?”

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, nothing. Then I wouldn't worry about those girls. They are just groupies.”

“Groupies? Let me pull up the Web site.” I typed in the Web address and scrolled down, but I didn't see what she was talking about right away. The site had stories about Kanye West, Beyoncé, and Jay-Z. Then I saw a picture of Jabril with two model-looking chicks. They were kissing him on each side of his face. In the next picture he was sitting down with his arms wrapped around all these other girls.

“Do you see it?”

“Yeah, I see it. Let me call you back, Jade. Thanks.”

“No problem. I saw it and was like, let me show my cousin. I think she needs to see this. You know, family have to stick together.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I said and hung up the phone and began looking at all the pictures. I scrolled down with the mouse and realized there were one hundred and fifteen comments underneath the pictures. It was just random crazy stuff like,
The rookie of the year can get it
. Then another read,
I met him in Miami. Mad nice, he was buying all the drinks. I wonder if he has a girlfriend
was the next comment.
Who cares? I know how to spend all that money,
someone answered.

While I was sitting here, pregnant with his baby in my stomach, he was in a club taking pictures and buying drinks. I didn't understand. He told me he was going to sleep when I talked to him last night, because he was tired. He said he had been to Miami so many times it wasn't a big deal. But that was a lie. He was having fun partying with all these girls. I was beginning to get angry, but then my anger became fear. How about if he liked one of these girls better than me? Or how about if they were prettier and really skinny, and he fell in love with them and broke up with me? I didn't know how to handle this, so I called Adrienne.

“Adrienne, Jabril is on a Web site with all these girls at a club in Miami, taking pictures.”

“Huh, what are you talking about?” Adrienne said.

“My cousin called me about some Web site called Skirts on the Scene, and Jabril is on there with all these girls. I don't know what to do. Do you think he is cheating on me? What should I do? Should I break up with him and leave?” I asked as tears started flowing down my face.

“Zakiya, calm down. Let me see—I'll pull it up on my phone.”

“The pictures are at the bottom of the page. You have to scroll down.”

Adrienne didn't say anything for a few moments, then she said, “Zakiya, these are just club pictures. They don't mean anything. He just took a picture—no big deal. People always want to take pictures with famous people. He is not cheating on you, okay? You are pregnant and have to relax and don't let your emotions get the best of you.”

“You think so?” I asked.

“Yes. Now relax, Zakiya. Don't get yourself all upset over nothing, okay? Don't bring these petty pictures to Jabril. It is not worth it. You have to pick your battles, Zakiya. This is not one worth fighting, okay? It's only pictures.”

“I guess you're right. Thanks, Adrienne. I'm not going to say anything.”