When I Forget You (18 page)

             
“Do I want to know?” He asks, walking closer and closer.

             
“I have to do an emotional solo,” I tell him as I’m crying. I think I accomplished the assignment. He sits on the stage next to me.

             
“That was heart wrenching,” he tells me.

             
“How long were you standing there?”

             
“The whole time,” he says. He puts his arm on my head and scratches it. Since I’ve cried on his shoulder so many times, he knows exactly how to get me to stop. He takes his other hand puts it on mine. There is one more thing that makes me feel better when thinking about Henry; Kade’s hand squeezes.

             
“I don’t get it. Why do I choose to have people in my life that constantly bring me so much pain?” I look into his eyes. “I always pick the people who are unhealthy for me.” At this point I am breaking, or should I say breaking again.

             
“I don’t constantly give you pain, right?” Kade asks, scratching my head in circles, but it’s not working. Not this time. So much pain has built up inside me that I can’t handle it anymore. I’m ready to breakdown. But I’m afraid if I break down one more time in his arms, I’ll never get back up on my feet. I just don’t have the strength anymore.

             
“No, but I didn’t chose you to be in my life. You were put there,” I tell him.

             
“Sometimes, the people you don’t choose are the ones that end up caring about you the most,” he whispers. Another tear sneaks down my cheek.

             
“I ruin everything that could possibly be good in my life. He could have been a good friend, but I got into this big mess instead. I don’t pick the right people.” I rest my face in my hands and shake my head. “How could I let this happen?”

             
“It’s not your fault,” he whispers as he runs his hands through my hair. He takes my hand and leads me off the stage and out to the car. He opens the door for me, and for once, I let him. When he backs out of the car, I wrap my fingers around his and hold his hand, because for once, I feel comfort, and I need as much as I can get. I’m so empty. The negativity is eating me alive. So I sit in the passenger seat and let him drive me home in silence, our hands wrapped in one another.

**

This week is the last week before Christmas break. All Kade and I have been doing is studying for finals. We’ve been making flash cards and testing each other, constantly.

             
“Can we take a break?” I ask him, putting down our bright pink flash cards. “I’m getting tired of Government and Economics,” I tell him.

             
“Sure,” he laughs. “I’m going to go get tacos form Dell Taco, want one?” Dell Taco is right down the street and Kade is obsessed.

             
“Don’t like tacos, remember?” I raise my eyebrows.

             
“Right, you freak,” he winks.

             
Ten minutes later, someone is knocking on my bedroom door. I open it up, thinking it’s Kade.

             
“Oh, hey, what’s up? Kade’s room is across the hall, you know, but he’s not home yet. He went to go get tacos.” Kimberly is standing on the other side of my bedroom door.

             
“Um, Becca, I need your advice.” Does she not have any other friends that are girls?

             
“Sure,” I tell her ignoring my inner bitch. Why do I have to be such a good person? It really gets tiring after a while.

             
“How do you get your presentation to be so perfect? Like your hair is so soft and shiny, and your makeup is not too much but not too little. It looks like you aren’t wearing any at all. And your skin is always clear!” I really do not want another person telling me how perfect I am. That’s what I always strive for, and I enjoy the compliments, but the always trying to be perfect thing gets tiring.

             
“I’ll show you what products I use,” I tell her. She smiles. I show her to the bathroom.             

             
“Ignore the mess. Kade and I weren’t really expecting guests in our bathroom, but it’s mainly your boyfriend that’s messy.” I giggle at myself. “Kade has always had so much hair crap for his hair. I swear that boy takes better care of his hair than I do. He’s the one you should really be asking when it comes perfect hair.” She just laughs.

             
“So, for my hair,” I say as I take my shampoo and conditioner out of the shower. “I use Pantene. The blue colored one and only the blue colored ones. Then, for my face I use nothing fancy, just Neutrogena’s face mask,” I tell her.

             
“Wow, so nothing like super expensive?” She questions.

             
“Nope. Just normal stuff you get at a CVS.”

             
“What about makeup?”

             
“Here, sit down and I will do your makeup. You seem like you could use some girl time.” I have her sit down at the edge of the toilet cover and I pull out my mascara, eyeliner, and eye shadow.

             
“So how long have you known Kade?”

             
“Since the day I was born. His birthday is in June and mine is in July. So the day I was born, he was there in the hospital room with my mom and Cynthia, his mom, when he was only one month old. I remember going to pre-school with him. We did everything together,” I tell her while I put her eyeliner on. “Okay. The key to great eyeliner that doesn’t hide your beautiful eyelids is to frame your eye with the pencil. So, you start from the end of your eye, not the end closest to your nose but the other end, and go until the middle of your pupil. For top and bottom. Therefore you have a little frame that compliments your pupil. And then you smear the pencil so the color doesn’t look like one line. You want it to look natural,” I continue.

             
“What changed?”

             
“With the eyeliner? This is how I’ve been doing it ever since I started putting on makeup,” I conclude.

             
“No, with you and Kade.” She looks up at me. One eye has eyeliner, one does not.

             
“We got older and started puberty. Things got awkward,” I say. It’s not exactly the truth, but whatever. Close enough, or the closest she will ever get, that’s for sure.

             
“Why did it get awkward?”

             
“Everything gets awkward when you go through puberty,” I state a complete fact, a very true fact, just not the truth to the question.

             
“Amen to that.” I laugh.

             
“So, for mascara, you don’t want too much on the brush. You want to do both top and bottom eye lashes to continue creating that frame for your eye. Both eyes have to match or else you look lopsided.”

             
“Thanks for this Becca.” She looks me in the eye.             

             
“Of course.” I smile at her.

             
“So what’s it like being so close to Kade again?” I’m layering her bottom eye lashes with dark brown mascara. Everything must be brown. Black is way too overwhelming.

             
“I wouldn’t say we are close,” I argue.

             
“I would say you guys are. I mean he lives across the hall, you guys carpool, eat dinner together every night. You guys do everything together again. Just like the old days,” she tells me.

             
“Yeah, but it’s not as easy as it was when we were young. Although, it does make Cynthia happy seeing us together again.”

             
“I would love to live with Kade,” she says. I sigh. I wish her and I could trade places, but I know that the moment I would leave, I would immediately miss him. Even though he drives me crazy, I can’t imagine having my senior year be any different.

             
“You say that because he’s your boyfriend. Living with Kade can be fun but it can also be a pain in my ass.” I shrug.

             
“What was Kade like when he was younger?” All this Kade talking is making me tired, but I continue to answer her questions because if I had a boyfriend, I would want to know a lot about his life and past, too.

             
“He was shy around strangers. He hated when people he didn’t know talked to his mom or dad; that’s still the same, though. He was stubborn and tested Cynthia, but not all the time. Cynthia is kind of scary when she’s mad. He loved eating fast food, still does. Most of all, he loved to harass me.” I giggle thinking about Kade and me playing in elementary school. He would always see me in the halls and sit and watch me. Make sure I’m okay. Just like these days, actually. Yeah, basically Kade is the same.

             
“What kinds of things did you do when you guys were little?”

             
“Our favorite thing was to walk to the park with the dogs. Terrance’s dad, Ted was alive back then, so we would walk him and the girl puppy, Lucy, to the park and play there all day. Kade’s house had a path from his street to the park so we would always go. Cynthia would always complain, but it kept us busy for a while.” I laugh, loving thinking about the good old days. “I would always get frustrated because he could climb the big rock wall and I couldn’t.” I smile to myself.

             
“Are you in love with him, Becca?” I put down the mascara and freeze.

             
“Not at all,” I assure her. I take the sparkly eye shadow out, wanting to move on from that subject. Where would she get such a crazy theory like that? “Now, the key to eye shadow is that it shouldn’t over power your eyes. I use skin color, but it has sparkles that make it noticeable. The sparkles really compliments the eyeliner and mascara and it all works together,” I say.

             
“Don’t change the subject Becca,” she tells me.

             
“I told you I don’t love him, and that’s my answer,” I tell her. Right then, I hear the front door open.

             
“Hey Becc! I got you a Doritos Locos Taco to try whether you like it or not! You have no choice in the matter!” Kade yells from downstairs. I back away from Kimberly and open the bathroom door. I don’t want Kade to walk in and see me having girl time with his girlfriend. “Oh, hey,” he says as he appears at the top of the stairs and sees Kimberly and me together.

             
“Hey,” Kimberly says as she stands up. Her smile is practically touching her eyes. I may be mistaken, but the “hey” was to me. When Kade doesn’t take his eyes off me, I know I’m not mistaken.

             
“What are you doing here?” He questions.

             
“Becc and I are having some girl time,” she responds. She also just called me “Becc.” No one else calls me that but Kade. And I’m not sure I like anyone else calling me that. It’s Kade’s thing. Always has been.

             
“I’m going to let you guys have alone time,” I tell them as I start to walk out of the awkwardly crowded bathroom.

             
“Wait, Becca, you don’t have to leave,” Kade calls after me, but I’m already heading down stairs to start my homework for the Christmas break. This year, Christmas break is super early. We have a whole week and a half until Christmas. Of course, my math teacher gave us five assignments to get done over the two weeks.

**

That night, I get a text super late. I am snoozing on the couch when the vibration wakes me up.

Are things ever going to get better or should I just stop caring? Because I am 100% moving next year. And if it’s going to take longer than a year to just “talk” more than once in a while, I would rather focus on you NOT being in my life, so it’s easier to let go when I move instead of focusing on thinking of ways to get you back.

Henry.

I’m not coming back, Henry.

And that’s all I say. He responds “okay,” and that’s it. I don’t respond back. If I respond even one more time he will think I am going to keep having a conversation with him. I am not because even that little conversation makes me want to crawl into a ball from all the emotional pain. I don’t have any room in my negative little mind for more. It’s done with putting up with shit. I want my life back. I need my life back.

Chapter 46
: Watch Her Heal -->

             
So when Becca went down stairs earlier today, Kimberly had an intense talk with me.

             
“Kade, you’re not fooling me,” she said right when Becca left the bathroom earlier this afternoon.

             
“What do you mean?” I asked her. I like to play all innocent, I’m really good at it.

             
“You belong with her,” she said.

             
“Who?”

             
“Come on Kade, admit it. You’re in love with Becca. I can see it all over your face,” she said to me in such a serious tone it freaked me out. I just sighed.

             
“I don’t. You and my mom happen to disagree, though,” I told her.

             
“Well, when you realize you do love her, which I think will be soon, just give me credit for knowing it before you did,” she said. I just nodded as she walked out of the house. I believe that was the end of us.

**

Becca’s family lives in San Jose, so that’s where we are driving for Christmas break. This time, though, it’s only a six hour drive instead of a twenty-two hour drive, so that’s good, but it is still six hours with Becca in the back of a van. Her parents in the first row and her grandma and grandpa are in the second. That means we are in the third row, and I’m not sure if I can do this.

             
I let her climb into the way back first, then me second. Right when I get seated in the seat, Becca’s grandma puts the chair back so we can’t get out of the third row. Her grandma and grandma slide into the second row and look back at us. Becca is wearing capris yoga pants and a purple “Roxy” jacket. Her hair isn’t combed and she doesn’t have any makeup on. It’s sexy.

             
“You guys trapped in the back?” Her grandma giggles.

             
“Of course those two are in the back, they’re like peanut butter and jelly. Stuck together,” her grandpa says to no one particular. I give him a polite smile then look over at Becca. She’s smiling back at me as she takes out her blanket and puts it against the window. At least we have windows, by the way. This is not exactly the same as me in the driver’s seat and her in the passenger seat with her tan legs up on the dash board. Fuck. Becca rests her back against the blanket and spreads her legs out against the seats in front of us. One foot is super close to touching my knee. My body is on fire and she’s not even touching me. When I look back into her eyes, they’re sparkling. She then closes her brown eyes and tries to sleep. Five minutes down, five hours and fifty-five minutes to go.

             
I brought movies, though. I brought Step Brothers, The Hangover, Bridesmaids, and 21 Jump Street. Becca has seen all of them except for The Hangover- which she refuses to see. She says it’ll be boring and will have too many penises in it. How can you have too many penises? Girls are freaks. I pop one in the DVD player, since the van has two DVD players attached to the roof. This is a good thing, because I don’t think the grandparents want to see penises and cops trying to make each other throw up so they can spit out drugs.

             
I pull on one of the headphones that connect to the DVD player and turn up the volume. I take the remote out of the cup-holder and press play. Then Becca opens her eyes and stares into mine. She smiles. I melt. What the hell is going on with me?

             
“What are we watching?” She asks as she sits up. As she does, her hand touches my side. I go a little googily-eyed. I am officially going crazy.

             
“21 Jump Street,” I say, trying to concentrate on the previews and not the fact that she smells fucking amazing – like cookies.

             
“Yay,” she says. Guess I’m not watching the movie alone, now. Which could be a good thing, because all I want to do lately is spend time with her. When she’s sleeping over at Chasity’s house, or music rehearsal is running late, I miss her. I miss everything about her. Her smile, tears, frustrated looks when she’s doing homework, and her relaxed body when she’s laying on the couch watching her favorite TV shows. It’s just everything about her, even all her crazy little pet peeves that make me smile.

             
She looks over at me right when the movie starts with those gorgeous brown eyes and kick ass smile. Then I can’t help but check her out. Her body is so great; it’s insane. When did she get so, um, sexy? She definitely didn’t have those boobs when we were little, that’s for sure.  She rolls her eyes when she catches me checking her out, and turns her head back to the TV screen.

**

              When we’re about forty-five minutes into the movie, Becca lays her blanket in the middle seat in between us. She twists her body so she can lay her head down on the blanket and get her whole body on the seat. Her blonde locks are now touching my leg. Breathe, Kade. In and out. There you go. She falls asleep. Her hair on my leg, her body moving up and down with her breathing pattern. Her eyes are closed and she looks like an angel, so I shut off the movie and decide to take a little nap myself. I reach over the seat, into the trunk, and grab my pillow that’s hanging out of my suitcase. I put my pillow against the window and rest my head against it. Then I fall asleep.

             
I wake up two hours later to Becca’s grandpa tapping me. I open my eyes and the old man is smiling at me.

             
“We’re going to stop in a few minutes to get gas and food. Would you like to wake her up?” He points to Becca. I nod at him then he turns back around, his arm around his wife. I look down at Becca, who is still sound asleep. My arm is on her side, resting around her body. Her eyes are closed and she moved in her sleep, so her head is in my lap. I take my hand off her body, and she wakes up. She rolls over so she’s no longer on her side, now on her back. Her head is still in my lap; her eyes are looking up into mine. She smiles her warm smile and I can’t help but smile back.

             
The car pulls into the gas station and Becca and I get out to go to the bathroom. Since there’s only one, I let her go first. Girls always have to pee like every hour. When she comes out of the bathroom, she holds the door open for me as I walk in. I lock the door and hear Becca’s footsteps slowly fade away.

             
When everyone gets back in the car, we start driving again. It’s only two and half more hours to San Jose. But I don’t want the car ride to end. Because now, Becca is leaning against her window again, book in hand, looking at me. She smiles, and in this moment, I know I’m fucked. In this moment, I look at her, and know. Kimberly is right. I am in love with Becca.

**

I have to tell her. We are walking into the lobby of our hotel and I have to tell her. She looks amazing in her sweats.

             
“Kade, Becca, take these keys and drop your bags off in our room and we will help Grandma and Grandpa with their bags.” Lindsey hands us each a key to our room and tells us our room is on the fourth floor. It’s silent in the elevator ride up. Becca is on her phone and I am just watching the elevator floors pass us. We get off the elevator at floor four and turn down the long hallway. Becca opens the door with her key card.

             
“My aunt just texted me. She got us the toffee we always get on Christmas.” The door closes behind us, leaving us alone in the hotel room. “It’s like the best tasting toffee I have ever tasted in my life,” she says as she turns around to face me. She looks so amazing. Those brown eyes looking up at me. I take a breath and before I know it, I’m leaning to kiss her.

             
“I love you,” I say then kiss her. I kiss her passionately. Her arms are sliding around my neck and mine are hugging her waist. I hold her body against mine and it feels so damn good. Nothing can replace this feeling. I just kiss her and kiss her. I don’t think I can ever get tired of kissing her. She finally pulls away after about a minute.

             
“Wow, much better then when we were in middle school. Have you been practicing?” She giggles. Becca’s talking about my kissing. The reason we grew apart when we hit middle school was because we kissed. In the seventh grade, I kissed Becca. I did it because it felt right. I have loved her since.

             
“We don’t want my mom and dad to get suspicious,” she whispers. Her mouth is talking against mine. I just nod then give her a peck on the lips one last time before grabbing her hand and leading her out of the room. My fingers link around hers and they don’t let go when we step into the elevator. I don’t think I have ever been so happy. 

**

We get back in the car and drive to Becca’s aunt’s house. It’s Christmas Eve and this night is full of magical moments. I can still feel Becca’s lips on mine.

             
“So what’s Henry doing for Christmas, Becca?” Becca’s Grandma asks from the row in front of us in the van.

             
“Um, we don’t talk anymore,” says Becca quietly. I grab her hand, giving her the support she needs. She squeezes my palm with hers.

             
“Oh that’s right. I’m sorry, Becca. You did the right thing by leaving him,” she mumbles, clearly embarrassed.

What did he do?