When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (45 page)

In the real-life experiences of patients, this problem situation took from several weeks to several months of repeated, noncritical, nondefensive encounters with their withdrawing mates to work out compromises and changes in behavior toward each other. For some, it improved their sexual relationship; for others, it improved their living with each other through open, assertive communication to the point where they could evolve alternate lifestyles that were more satisfying to both of the partners.

Dialogue #34
A previously manipulative wife (or husband)
assertively prompts her (or his) mate
to say what is wrong with their
marriage so both of
them can work
on it.

Jill has been married to Jack for three years. During the first eighteen months of their marriage, their sex life was satisfactory, but after that initial period, their lovemaking gradually declined through the following year to a very low ebb and then for the past four months to zero. Jill still loves her spouse and wants the closeness they had when first married and courting. Jill has learned to be assertive, has practiced diligently to desensitize herself to becoming anxious and defensive about herself. She has, after much practice, learned that she is truly her own ultimate fudge; she does some things well, others horribly, can evaluate her own success as well as her mistakes and failures, and knows she is ultimately responsible herself for making any changes she wants in her life situation.

Setting of the dialogue: Jill speaks to Jack on a Sunday morning after they are through reading
The Times
. (Jack could just as easily be the assertive initiator of this dialogue instead of Jill. In the dialogue, I have tried to indicate the mood and emotional state of actual couples in therapy sessions using the nondefensive, assertive communication process.)

JILL
: Jack. I’ve been thinking.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we’ve got a sex problem
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: Not again. We’ve been over this so many times. Do you have to bring it up now when we were in such a good mood?

JILL
:
You’re right. I nagged and cried and got mad at you in the past to get you to make love
, but
I don’t want to nag you now. I just want to see things from
your viewpoint
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: (Sarcastically) That’s a switch.

JILL
:
It is, isn’t it? When something like this happens I feel like we are drifting apart from each other
. We haven’t had sex now for close to four months. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JACK
: (Defensively) I love you, but I’ve been just too beat and tired lately. With all that overtime at work and everything I’m just not in the mood lately.

JILL
:
I’m sure you are pooped lately, Jack
(instead of: “For four months!” or “How come you are working overtime so much lately?”), but
it seems to me that something else is happening too. I think I am doing something that is turning you off having sex with me.
[FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: You don’t turn me off. You’re super in bed.

JILL
:
Maybe I’m okay once we get to bed
but
I think we are drifting apart in a lot of ways
, and
I think I’m doing things that turn you off me generally, outside of bed
. [FOGGING, BROKEN RECORD, and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: (Turning back to his paper) Naa, you’re fine.

JILL
:
I probably am in a lot of ways you can think of, Jack
, but
aren’t there some things that I do that really bug you?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: (Still defensive) Nobody’s perfect. All married couples don’t like things about each other.

JILL
:
I’m sure other couples have problems too
, but
are there some things I do, even little ones that don’t mean much, that get under your skin and irritate you a little?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Well … (thoughtfully) there are a couple of things that you do that annoy me.

JILL
:
What is it that I do that annoys you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: It’s kind of hard to be specific.… Just little
things … like you asking me if I put out the trash late at night after you reminded me to do it at six o’clock.

JILL
:
Anything else?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Yeah. Like when I help you with the house-cleaning, you always come along afterwards and find something wrong.

JILL
: (Astonished)
Do I do that …?
(Slow smile)
Yeah … I do that … anything else I do that bugs you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: (Getting in the spirit of it) Yes. It’s not even like you don’t trust me to do things. It’s more like you are looking for things to pick on.

JILL
:
It’s beginning to sound that way to me too … what else am I doing that makes me look like I’m trying to find fault with you?
[NEGATIVE ASSERTION and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Isn’t that enough?

JILL
:
That’s a big chunk of things for me to think about
, but
I’d still like to hear more of what I do that upsets you
. [FOGGING and SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JACK
: Okay, you remember when we had only one car?

JILL
: Yes.

JACK
: Whenever I was late picking you up, you bitched and moaned for twenty minutes on how you were abused.

JILL
:
That was stupid of me to take my frustrations out on you, wasn’t it?
(Instead of: “What did you expect? You were always late and never remembered!”) [NEGATIVE ASSERTION-INQUIRY]

JACK
: (Silent, with his jaw clenched)

JILL
: (Prompting from where Jack left off)
I guess I didn’t give you much leeway then, did I? That was a crappy way to behave
. [EMPATHIC NEGATIVE INQUIRY and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: (Getting angry) You sure as hell didn’t. It makes me mad as hell even now just thinking about it. And that’s another thing. Whenever you started bitching and moaning and getting mad, I was just supposed to sit there and take it.

JILL
:
How did I screw up there?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: You could get mad whenever you wanted. That was okay for you to do. But when we were first married and I got mad back at you, you started crying and screaming and ran away into the bedroom and cried for hours until I came in and apologized.

JILL
: (With empathy and maybe some embarrassment)
I did, didn’t I? That was a bitchy thing to do
. I could get mad, but you weren’t supposed to.
I tell you what. Let’s make a pact. If I get mad, so can you and vice-versa, and nobody has to apologize afterwards, okay?
[NEGATIVE ASSERTION and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: (Cautiously) Okay … but why not apologize?

JILL
: ’Cause that makes it like it’s wrong to just get mad and blow off steam.

JACK
: Okay, but I think I might be getting the short end of the stick on that.

JILL
:
How am I giving you the short end of the stick?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: You get mad at me an awful lot more than I get mad at you.

JILL
:
I think that’s true too … so I tell you what we can do. I’ll try not to pop off at you for every little thing that irritates me if you let me have it when you get mad at me. How’s that?
[FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: Isn’t that going to make you frustrated just like it did me?

JILL
:
Maybe
… but
I’ve got a good memory. I can bring it all out later and blast you with it
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: That’s another thing. You always bring up things where I screwed up.… Where you think I screwed up … again and again and again. Why don’t you just say what you don’t like and then drop it? It’s like you are trying to punish me. I’m no little kid you are trying to potty-train, I’m a grown man.

JILL
:
I guess I do that, don’t I? It’s awful hard for me to look at some of the shitty things I do to
you, Jack
. [NEGATIVE ASSERTION-INQUIRY and SELF-DISCLOSURE-NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: (Sympathetically) Do you want to stop?

JILL
: (Confused)
I don’t know. I guess I want to continue
, but
it’s hard for me to look at myself like this
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JACK
: (Silent again)

JILL
: I feel like crying … but if I cry now, I’ll screw everything up like I did before. That’s my cop-out all the time. (Long pause) How about some more coffee until I feel better, okay?

JACK
: Okay. (After coffee) What do you want to do?

JILL
: It’s still hard for me, but is it okay if we still talk about it?

JACK
: Sure, if you really want to.

JILL
: I do and I don’t, you’re going to have to help me.

JACK
: What do you want me to say?

JILL
: I wish you were my therapist and you could tell me what to say.

JACK
: (Angrily) Did he tell you to do this?

JILL
: He suggested it. But it makes sense to me if it can clear the air between us. I think I’ve been chopping you down whenever you did something I don’t like. I want to see if I can handle what you don’t like without flinching so much. If I’m not so damned uptight when you feel like bitching maybe we can start sharing things again.

JACK
: (Fleeing) Now I want some coffee! (Comes back in after a few minutes looking angry and lights a cigarette)

JILL
:
What is it about me doing this that upsets you?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: I don’t like being a guinea pig for you and your psychologist’s experiments.

JILL
:
I can understand that. How about coming in and talking to him with me?
[FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: No.

JILL
: Do you want a divorce?

JACK
: Of course not.

JILL
: If we keep on like this and things don’t get better between us, then I don’t know what to do.
I’d like to work things out right here like this if we could. If you don’t want to come in for counseling and you don’t want to try something like this, what can we do?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: I don’t like it.

JILL
:
You don’t have to like it. All I want you to do is try it with me
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: This is just like before. I’m the dumb shit and you’ve got all the answers!

JILL
:
What am I doing that makes you feel like a dumb shit?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: It’s like you’re screwing around with my mind.

JILL
:
Do you want to stop talking about it?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: No. You and that goddamned shrink have pissed me off.

JILL
: Okay.
What have we done that pisses you off?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: You make me feel like I’m the patient not you. You’re just coming on with this assertive therapy crap he taught you.

JILL
:
That’s true, I am. I don’t know any other way to get through to you
, but
I’m not going to do it if you don’t want me to
. [FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: Why can’t you leave well enough alone?

JILL
: I don’t want to.
Maybe I want us to be like we were before, or better or different
… (Frustrated)
I don’t know exactly what the hell I want
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JACK
: Well, I feel like you are pulling a sneaky trick on me.

JILL
:
I probably am
, but
I don’t know what else to do. What can I do? Do you really want to go on like this?
[FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: What’s wrong with the way we are?

JILL
: (Angry and slipping back to her old style)
Plenty! Do you want me to list all the stupid things
you
ever did?

JACK
: That’s what’s wrong. You and your big mouth.

JILL
: (Still angry) This is exactly what I’m talking about. All we do is fight or I bitch and you shut up. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

JACK
: (Exasperated) Neither do I!

JILL
: Then give it a try for Christ’s sake! It won’t kill you!

JACK
: (Exhausted) What do you want us to do?

JILL
: (Recovering her composure and silent for a few minutes)
Nothing if you really don’t want to
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: I don’t like this.