When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (46 page)

JILL
:
I can buy that
, but
will you give it a try? If you say “No,” we don’t do it
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: If it gets too heavy, we stop?

JILL
:
It’s up to you
. If you don’t want to do it with me, it would just be a waste of time … like me bitching at you before. Just to get you to do what I want instead of working together to see what each of us wants. [FOGGING]

JACK
: Okay. (Note: At this point, without Jack’s consent, further close communication does not exist.)

JILL
:
Do you want to do it later? Tomorrow or next week?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: Let’s try it again.

JILL
: Where did we leave off?

JACK
: I’ll be damned if I know. I was pissed off at you trying this on me.

JILL
: Okay. Let’s start there.
Can you put your finger on what I was doing that pissed you off?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: You made me feel like you had all the answers.

JILL
:
How did I do that?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: You were so damned cool and slick.

JILL
:
Like I was putting a fast one?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Yeah!

JILL
:
What was I doing that made you feel like I was pulling a fast one?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Like everything I was saying went right by you. You didn’t blink an eye … at least until you started crying.

JILL
:
I thought I was copping out then
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JACK
: It wasn’t the same kind. When you cry and run off, I can tell you are mad at me. This time you were just crying.

JILL
:
What is it about my crying and being mad at you that’s different
. [NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: When you cry like that, I get pissed off at you and then I feel guilty.

JILL
:
How do I make you feel guilty?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: I don’t know. I know for sure that what you are doing is pure bullshit, but you still make me feel guilty … and then I want to apologize even when I’m still pissed at you.

JILL
:
That’s a cop-out on my part
.…
I shut you off and make you swallow your anger when I cry and run off.… Like I’m saying: “What a rotten, slimy bastard you are for treating me so bad. Poor defenseless me.”
[EMPATHIC NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: When you do that it confuses the hell out of me. I hate your guts and I still kiss your ass. Christ, what a mess.

JILL
:
Do you want to stop?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: (Still angry) Hell no!

JILL
:
What else?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: When that happens, I really feel like a snot-nosed kid who needs his diapers changed.

JILL
: (Prompting from where Jack leaves off)
I make you feel like a little kid and not a grown man?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Yeah.

JILL
:
What other things do I do that make you feel that way?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Just little remarks you make like “I have to do everything around here!” or “You never do what’s important. You only do things you are interested in!”

JILL
:
I do say things like that. I guess I’m just bitching in general
, but
when I say it that way it sounds like I don’t respect you, is that it?
[FOGGING, SELF-DISCLOSURE, and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: That’s exactly the way it sounds.

JILL
:
Can you ignore me when I do that?
[WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: I try to, but I just burn inside.

JILL
:
Then how about blasting me when I say those things and telling me to shut my stupid mouth
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE-NEGATIVE ASSERTION]

JACK
: Come back at you?

JILL
: Absolutely.

JACK
: (Depressed) Sometimes I just get so fed up with you I don’t even want to fight.

JILL
:
Yeah, you do that
and
I accuse you of sulking. I’m not going to stop bitching, but if you blast me when I get way out of line like that even if you don’t feel like it, it may help
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: (Cautiously) Okay. I’m not promising anything, but I’ll try.

JILL
:
What else is it that I do that turns you off me?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: If anything goes wrong, everyday normal things, I always get the feeling that you blame me for them.

JILL
: (Curious) That I really don’t understand.
What is it that I do that makes you feel like I’m blaming you when things go wrong?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: I don’t know how it happens. If you don’t like something about the apartment and bitch about it, somehow I feel that it’s my fault. I should have been more careful in looking at the apartment before we leased it.

JILL
: (Prompting from where Jack left off)
It sounds like somehow I dump the responsibility for everything
that happens on you, is that it?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Yes. It’s like I’m responsible for every little thing that happens. They’re not big things, but after three years there are an awful lot of things that go wrong, and that’s tiring. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to come home at night because something else is going to happen that I’m responsible for.

JILL
: I understand.
What else do I make you feel responsible for?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: I don’t know. A lot of things. Like if you get bored, I feel like I’m responsible for you getting bored.

JILL
: (Prompting where Jack left off)
I make you feel like you are responsible for entertaining me. Is that it?
[
NEGATIVE INQUIRY
]

JACK
: Exactly. It’s like I have to watch what I say or do in front of you so you don’t get upset, or I can’t be myself and just flop down and relax. I always have to worry about you and are you okay.

JILL
: (Prompting from where Jack left off) You’re saying that I’m too dependent on you for things. (Thoughtfully)
It’s probably true. What else am I doing that makes you feel like you’re responsible for me?
[FOGGING and NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: Sometimes I feel like you can’t do anything on your own without me. I always have to be involved. If I really don’t want to do something and tell you how I feel, you give me the cold, silent treatment. I’m not supposed to dislike things you want to do. It’s like I don’t have a life except with you. You would bitch if I did anything without you except go to work. I think you would go to work with me if you could find a reason to do it. Sometimes I even feel like this is not a marriage but another job and I work for you. Even about sex.… Sometimes I feel like I owe you it instead of wanting to make love, and I resent it! Do you realize that in the three years we have been married, I haven’t been out for an evening of fun with my friends except to go fishing and you always bitch when I do that?

JILL
: (Losing her cool and a bit exasperated) God, do we have a problem!

JACK
: That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I tell you how I feel, and you don’t listen to what I’m telling you. You just throw up your hands and dump it all on me.

JILL
: (Lighting a cigarette and thinking for a moment)
I see your point
. (Smiling a queasy smile)
I’m not doing this very well, am I?
[EMPATHIC FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION-INQUIRY]

JACK
: (Defensively) You asked for it.

JILL
: Please, Jack.
You’re right. I’m having trouble when you really let me have it
, like now, but
don’t give up on me
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: Well?

JILL
: (Recovering and picking up from where Jack left off)
I guess I have been just too damned dependent and demanding, haven’t I? What can we do about it?
[EMPATHIC NEGATIVE ASSERTION-INQUIRY and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: I don’t know. You can say: “Go out and have fun,” but if you are sitting home alone and resenting it, I’d still feel guilty and responsible for you. Just saying it won’t work.

JILL
:
That makes sense. I don’t think it would work either
. Let’s see what we’ve got. I want us to be closer and share more. The problem is that I shut you off when you share the bad things, the things you don’t like about us. And the worst thing about it is the way I shut you off (tears falling). Jack … I’m sorry. [FOGGING]

JACK
: (Staying where he is) I’m sorry too.

JILL
: I guess being close for me only meant good things. I couldn’t cope with the crap you gave me too.

JACK
: (Smiling and rescuing her) What crap? I’m perfect!

JILL
: (Smiling)
Sure you are
. [Friendly, sarcastic FOGGING]

JACK
: I guess if I had more balls I would have told you to shut your mouth when you got really bitchy.

JILL
:
Maybe
…
I want you to stick to it when you really want something, even if I give you a bad time
. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: All this is easy to say, but how do we do it?

JILL
:
We could talk more like this to clear the air and see where each other is coming from?
How’s that? [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: Okay, but I want you to cut out some of the things that make me feel like I’m a hired hand just to keep you happy.

JILL
:
What things?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: The things we just talked about.

JILL
:
Okay … but keep telling me them when I do them
. [WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: That’s not going to get you from hanging around my neck.

JILL
:
What else can I do?
[NEGATIVE INQUIRY]

JACK
: How about getting involved in something besides just staying home. Go to school. Learn a trade. A job. I don’t know.

JILL
:
You’re right. I’ve got to get some things going in my own life, without you. That’s always been hard for me to do
, but
maybe when you want to get out on your own, I can do one of my own things then
. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]

JACK
: When do we start?

JILL
: How about right now?

JACK
: How about after lunch. I’m starving.

JILL
: You’re on!

Learners have observed from experience, and, as this dialogue points out being machine-like or a “verbal karate expert” is not necessary when asserting yourself to another person. They report that little harm is done if they have trouble communicating what they want or get angry, or say something stupid, or get flustered, or say something they didn’t really want to say, or make a commitment they don’t want to give. Nothing is lost but some time. They simply start again as if nothing
had gone on before and continue to say what it is they want—a specific material goal, a behavioral change in themselves or their partner in conflict, or better communication, as in this dialogue.

In Summary

Interacting and coping in the nondefensive, non-manipulative way that the last dialogue points out gives the person you assert yourself to a very important message. It is the assurance that you will not interfere with his or her decision-making process; most importantly, you will not interfere even if you do not like what you hear. This assurance allows conflicts in wants or dislikes to be worked out with mutual compromise, if compromise is at all possible. Behavior compromise worked out between two people is not behavior control. Behavior control takes place when someone gets “inside” that unique, individual part of you that you call “me.” That part of all of us where we are independent of God, Mom and Dad, the Law, Morals, and Other People; the part of us where we decide what we want; where we weigh up the benefits and consequences of what we want to do, sometimes in spite of reality. Even in psychotherapy, the psychologist asks permission to enter that private part of the patient’s life, for without permission
psychotherapy
(psycho
service
) is not possible. If the therapist intrudes without consent, either the service relationship ceases or psycho-dependency takes place and the patient becomes unhealthily dependent upon the therapist to make any decision for him. Luckily, this dependency does not happen too often. Therapists soon grow weary of phone calls at three in the morning asking: “What should I do?” The therapeutic intent in sharing the patient’s decision process is to help the patient clarify
his
wants, emotions, and the actions resulting from them, to use technical expertise to help the patient solve his own problems and not to solve them for him, to help the patient do what he wants to do, not what the therapist wants him to do!