When To Let Go (25 page)

It was the middle of the day in the hot August summer when Ava decided to go for a walk, needing to clear her head, or at the very least sweat it all out. All summer long she’d been toying with an idea that one moment had her wanting to slap herself for even considering it and the next overcome with remorse for not doing it.

She needed to set Wesley free. She was only holding him back from living a fuller life. He could be anyone, go anywhere. His love for her was the only thing stopping him. He was already planning on staying in Friday nights so they could watch a movie together on the phone, like a date. He should be out, being young and partying.

Dakota had been right. He would most definitely meet other girls there; ones that suited him far better than someone who was barely passing high school and wanted to bake cupcakes for a living.

Although the thought of him with someone else sickened her, it still seemed like the right thing to do. There were amazing women out there who would challenge Wes, making him a better man. Ava had no doubt Wes would find a woman like that. The perfect girl was out there and Wes was just the type of guy to find her.

He deserved it all, the world at his feet. If he stayed with Ava, all he’d have is Mesa. Not that there was anything wrong with their town, he just deserved more. So much more.

The hardest part was convincing him of that.

Ava knew he would never let her go without a fight.

She thought about it the rest of the day, even when Wes came to pick her up for a party. The basketball team was throwing it for him as a going away party since he left for college in another week.

“What’s wrong?” Wes asked, giving her thigh a squeeze as they drove.

“Just tired,” she lied, staring out the window.

At the next light he turned around.

“What are you doing?” She asked, confused.

“Let’s go hang at your house, watch a movie,” he suggested.

Ava sighed. This was the exact thing she had been worrying about. He had been looking forward to this party but would easily give it up to make her happy. College would be no different. Probably worse, since they’d be separated.

“No, I want to go,” she lied again.

He called her bluff, “Liar.”

“Please, Wes. Let’s go to the party. It’s being thrown in your honor. We can’t not show up.”

He nodded his head, “Yeah, okay, but the minute you’re ready to go we’ll split. Deal?”

“Deal.”

They arrived shortly after it started. The place was packed as though it had started hours before.

Everyone went wild at the sight of Wes, passing him drinks. He handled it with ease and confidence, the way he always did. Ava lied about needing the restroom, going outside to seek a quieter place that wasn't so crowded with people. Even though the night was warm it was refreshing to be outside.

Right away she noticed Erick, surprised that he was there as he rarely showed up to parties.

She waved when he noticed her.

“Hey!” He greeted, coming towards her, a slight sway to his steps, “How's my favorite prodigy?”

“Wondering how I'm going to survive without you next year.”

Erick grinned, tucking a piece of fallen hair behind her ear, a gesture that took Ava by surprise, “I'm sure they'll find you someone equally as awesome.”

She shrugged, doubting it. She knew she'd also miss his friendship and his ability to always make things not so confusing, in education and in life.

“I'm going to miss you Ava,” Erick confessed, gulping down the rest of whatever he'd been drinking from his red cup.

“Me too.”

“No,” he shook his head, staring down into his cup at the emptiness, as though it might reveal answers to the world’s greatest questions. “I mean, I going to
miss
you.”

Ava didn't understand, becoming more confused when Erick lifted his head and she saw the anguish in his eyes.

“I came here tonight knowing I'd see you,” he revealed, taking a step closer. “This could be the last time I ever see you again.”

Suddenly getting uncomfortable with his closeness and the way he was staring at her, she let out a nervous chuckle, “Don't be so dramatic. I'm sure this won't be the last time.”

“I don't want it to be. I don't want to have to get over you.”

“Get over me?” She squeaked.

“Yeah, Ava. I'm only saying this because I know this will be my only chance and I don't want to regret it,” he let out a long breath of air. “I've fallen for you, Ava. Big time. The past two years I've hidden it, the pain of seeing you with Wes ripping me apart each time. It physically hurt every time I saw you two together. I know you love him, but you and I make so much more sense, we’re more alike–”

“Erick,” Ava intervened.

“No, Ava, don't say anything. Just feel what we could be,” and with that he cupped the back of her head, at the same time connecting his lips to hers.

Ava turned her head away.

“Please, Ava,” Erick's intoxicated breath filled her lungs, making her cringe, her body having a strong reaction to alcohol even after all these years. “Give me a chance. I can make you just as happy.”

“I'm sorry,” she repeated, truly meaning it for never cluing in to the way he had felt.

Erick dropped his hand, “I had to try, but really I don't have much to offer compared to The Great Wesley Baxter.”

“Don't say that. You're pretty great yourself and I could have easily fallen for you if my heart wasn't–”

Erick’s lips found hers again, his tongue instantly invading. Her palms came to his chest to push him away.

In a split second Erick was thrown away from her, an enraged Wesley holding him by the collar of his shirt, “I thought we talked about this.”

Erick was trying to ungrasp Wes's hand, “I'm sorry, but I had to try. I had to find out if she felt anything for me.”

Wes let go, shoving Erick back, making him stumble, “You don't do it by kissing her! She's mine!”

“She's not some piece of property!” Erick yelled back, taking a stance.

Ava shot forward, getting between the two men, knowing Wes had the potential to cause damage upon Erick.

“She's mine!” Wes shouted again, “And I'm hers! That means she'll never be
yours
, so I suggest you leave before I beat your ass into the cement.”

“She could have been mine, she told me!” Erick somewhat slurred.

“What?” Wes looked back and forth between Ava and Erick.

“Erick!” Ava cried, mad at him for twisting her words against her to try and make Wes jealous.

Wes took a step back, “Is that true?”

Ava lowered her voice, not wanting the crowd that had formed around them to hear, “Let’s go someplace so you can cool off.”

At the same time Erick had to further goad Wes, “She even kissed me back.”

“Dammit, Erick! I did–” Ava wasn't able to finish that she hadn't. Wes dove around her, tackling Erick to the ground.

It took more than one team member to pry Wes off of Erick.

Ava had to drag him away around the side of the house, which ironically was also the place they had both lost their virginity.

It suddenly hit her. This was her chance to set him free.

Wes was breathing heavily behind her as she wrapped her arms around herself, staring down at the ground. Did she have it in her to do it?

“Ava look at me,” Wesley pleaded, grabbing hold of her, his forehead coming to rest on her temple as he scooted them so her back was to the wall.

She couldn't. It hurt too much.

“Dammit, Ava,” he softly pleaded into her ear, frustrated at her lack of response. “Did you let him kiss you?”

Ava lightly nodded, a tear slipping out of the corner of her eye.

He mistook it for guilt.

“Did you like it?” His voice was coated in pain as though each word to his question was a stab to the heart.

Another tear trickled down from the pain she was causing him. She couldn’t finish the lie. It would destroy him.

Wasn't that the point of all this? Wasn't it for him to be disgusted with her, making it easier for him to leave her behind?

Ava answered Wes with another lie that twisted the knife in further, “Yes.”

The sound of his choked back sob echoed in her ear. She squeezed her lids tighter, wanting the moment to be over, wanting the earth to suck her under so she could disappear into the thick flames where she belonged.

“I forgive you,” his guttural voice breathed into her ear. “Let's just pretend it never happened.”

“I don't want to be forgiven.”

At least that wasn't a lie...or maybe it was.

Wes pushed back on his hands, a cold blast forming a block of ice between them. He was getting angry. Ava could work with anger. Far easier to deal with than heartbreak.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He bit out.

She took a second to take in a lungful of air. She opened her eyes and finally turned her head to face him, but was still too much of a coward to look him in the eye, “Go to college without me, Wes. Meet other girls. Have fun.”

His fist punched the wall next to her head, making her flinch, “I don't want other girls.”

“You might. You've never given anyone a chance.”

“Is this what you really want?”

No, of course it wasn't. Somehow, she managed a small nod, begging the tears that burned the back of her eyes to hold off until she was alone.

He dipped his chin down so his lips could brush along her jaw, his words breathing across her flesh, turning his voice sensual, “So what you’re saying is you want me to be with other women.” It wasn’t a question. He nipped her earlobe, making her body shiver, “To pleasure them exactly as I did you.”

He was purposely trying to get a rise out of her and it was working. She could feel her temperature rising in possessive jealousy, her insides shouting out that he was hers, and hers alone.

His lips paused on the pulsating vein on her neck, a small smile on his lips. He knew his words were affecting her, “Should I fuck them in the backseat of my car in-between classes?”

Ava tried willing her mind to think of something else. A new cupcake recipe. Anything, so her brain wouldn't register his words.

“Or have them ride me, while–”

“Shut up!” He finally broke Ava, making her angry like he had wanted, to prove that she cared.

He pulled back with a smug, content look on his face, believing he’d just won.

“I don't want you anymore Wesley! I want to see what else is out there. You've given me no choice but to love you. You’re everywhere I am, never allowing me the freedom to talk to other people, other guys.”

He stumbled back as though she had shoved him away, a hand dragging through his hair.

“Let me go, Wes,” she told him the words she had been telling herself that
he
deserved. “Let me have a life beyond you.”

“This is what you truly want?”

No.

He took her silence as confirmation.

“Fine. Fuck it. I'll go my way. You'll go yours.” With that he stormed away, but not before adding, “Good luck ever finding a man who loves you the way I do.”

Ava dropped to the ground, knowing one day he'd realize she’d done him a favor. He’d realize that her letting him go was the best thing that ever happened to him, because it had given him the opportunity to find someone worthy of him, of his love. Someone smart, beautiful, and not screwed up in the head. Someone who had a future ahead of them, who could read a paragraph in seconds and didn’t get a headache from concentrating too hard.

Yes, he's hurting now, but one day soon he wouldn’t. She’d be a distant memory of the girl he thought he had loved as a child. He’d be glad she let him go, figuring out that she would have held him back and he was able to accomplish so much more without her.

Ava dug her phone out of her pocket, calling the only person who wouldn’t ask questions.

Not long after, she got a text from Ryder that he was waiting out front for her.

She went through the house, hearing chants for Wesley to chug, cheers erupting over something he had done. She refused to look over, her heartache already running wild inside of her.

Ryder was there on his motorcycle, helmet extended out to her. She quickly snapped it in place and hopped on, ignoring the shouts from Wesley who had followed her out. He was yelling for her to come back, that he was sorry, that he loved her, that she was the reason he breathed.

With her arms securely wrapped around Ryder, she freely let the tears fall, believing that they might never stop.

Wes called Ava every day. She let it go to voicemail. He stopped by but she ignored him. A few times he camped out on her front door. She called in sick to the bakery those mornings so she didn't have to face him. He never showed up at her work; he had too much class to ever do that, never wanting to jeopardize her employment.

Her moms respected her request to not let him in. Both tried to pry out the reason why, but Ava refused to talk about it. Talking about it made it real. She didn’t want it to be real. If it was real then that meant she had let go of a man that she loved with every fiber of who she was.

Wes would be leaving in a few days. She wasn’t sure if that would ease any of the pain. She sure hoped so.

Lily Baxter's name flashed across the screen of Ava's cell. She wanted to tap ignore, but she couldn't do that to the woman who had opened her home to her and treated her like a daughter.

“Hi,” she greeted meekly.

“Hey, Ava. I’m calling because I'm worried about Wes. There’s something wrong and he won't talk to me. I don't expect you to tell me. I just want to know if he's alright.”

“He didn't tell you about us?”

Mrs. Baxter was far too cheerful sounding, “No, what?”

“We broke up.”

Mrs. Baxter gasped, “What?”

In the background Ava could hear Wesley shouting, “Don't listen to her mom, we’re not broken up.”

Her heart lurched at his stubbornness. She wanted him to accept it but her heart was overjoyed that he wasn't.

Ava heard a rustling of the phone, then the sound of Wes, “Ava–”

She hung up. She wasn’t strong enough to carry it through if she had to see or talk to him.

Her moms didn’t understand when she wouldn’t go to the Baxter’s to see Wes and Violet off. After all that they had been through together, they believed she at least owed him a goodbye. Instead she stayed under her blankets like a coward, crying over her pain.

A car pulled up her driveway and a second later the door rattled open. The footsteps were strong and loud. Ava jumped out of bed and dashed into her closet, leaving it open a crack and hiding under a pile of blankets and dirty clothes. It was just in time. Her bedroom door opened.

She quieted her breathing, listening to the footsteps roam her room. Not long after they walked out.

She let out a sigh of relief at the same time Wes called her name throughout her house.

He came back, talking to the room as though he knew she was in there, “I'm leaving today. I couldn’t go without saying goodbye.”

Several seconds passed. Ava had a hard time not peeking through the blankets and the small section of her closet that was open.

Wes continued, his tone conveying his misery, “God, Ava, after everything we've shared you can't even give me that? You won't even allow me a proper goodbye? I love you. I don't understand what happened to make you stop loving me. Please, give me the chance to fix it.”

Minutes ticked by as her silent tears swam one after another down her face.

“Dammit Ava,” his voice rising. “Do you even care what you’re doing to me?!”

More grueling minutes passed, neither one of them moving.

“I can feel you’re here. I won't search for you. This is obviously what you want, but know the minute I leave this room, it's over. I won't keep fighting for someone who won't fight for me in return.”

Ava heard him take a shaky breath and head for the door, pausing at the entryway.

For thirty minutes he waited at that door for Ava to stop him.

Every second for the rest of her life she regretted that she didn't.

“Goodbye, Ava.”

The door shut softly behind him.

Ava listened for the sound of his car leaving the driveway.

She unleashed sobs that shook her entire body, the hole in her heart reinforcing what a worthless coward she was.

Ava’s quilt was ripped off of her, startling her awake.

She slowly opened her puffy eyes that were stuck together from dried tears.

Maggie stood next to Ava’s bed with her hands on her hips, anger tight in her expression, “Just got home from the drive we took to TU. Got to drop Wes and Violet off at their dorms.” Her voice was level, but the undercurrent of fury made it clear that she was not, “It should have been one of the most exciting, memorable days for my brother, but it wasn't. Do you know why, Ava?”

Maggie pointed a finger at Ava, not wanting an answer.

“Because you broke his heart. No,” she shook her head in anger. “You didn't just break it. You annihilated it so that there’s nothing left, not even a small shard to remind him he ever had one. He sat on that funky-ass bed staring at his floor the whole time while everyone else carried in his things and unpacked them for him. I don't even think he realized we left. Please tell me you have a good reason for hurting my brother the way you have?”

In a shaky voice, Ava answered, “We were ready to go our own ways.”

“That’s bullshit.”

Ava shrugged, not knowing a way to explain it that would make it okay. If she told her the truth she’d most definitely tell Wes.

“I’m too upset with you. I’m leaving with Ryder tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll cool off by the time we get back.”

Ava watched her best friend leave.

She dragged herself outside to the hammock, staying there all day, absorbed in the magnolia trees.

Ava learned to put on a brave face, masking the soul-crushing agony she was in. Although her lungs were functioning, it never felt as though they breathed air. Nighttime was when she allowed the tears and heartache that deteriorated her more and more each day, sucking her into the darkness. She began living a hollow existence.