When To Let Go (27 page)

“You were right,” Ryder told her as they got back into the car. “That
was
the best milkshake.”

He grinned at her and she smiled back, “Told ya.”

He laughed.

It was a beautiful sound.

It felt like a victory, but the kind where there were no winners.

She still wanted to do something but she didn’t want to push her luck. Two nights later she tried again, this time using frozen yogurt to get him out. The following Saturday when the race track was busy with an event, she dragged Ryder to the movies. A comedy. He needed to laugh more.

They started going out every other night to dinner. Some nights Ryder even talked, usually asking her about how her family was doing, or to give her a compliment on her driving. The compliments always lit her up from the inside out.

Ryder had somehow wiggled into her heart; a place that she wasn’t ready for, so she ignored it as best she could.

Wesley was good and drunk.

Why hadn’t he done this sooner?

Ava who?

His heart still constricted and his chest compressed at the mere thought of her.

He went to find another beer, wobbling through the crowd of partiers.

Students greeted him, clapping him on the back. Everyone was excited for the season to begin.

Wes could care less, but then again there wasn’t much he cared about these days.

He refilled his cup with a clear liquid. It had no taste as he shot it back.

He was glad Violet hadn’t come.

She wouldn’t have liked seeing him drink this much. She wouldn’t have stopped him, but he would have had to see her disapproving glare all night.

She had a date.

A pretty decent guy.

Chemistry was his major, so he was smart too. He treated her with respect, the kind that Wes couldn’t find a reason to intervene over.

Good for her.

She could do better than Parker-fucking-Stone.

Anyway, Wes was a free man, a college man. He
should
be boozing it up, celebrating with everyone that another season was about to begin.

A cute girl (or at least he thought she might have been – it was hard to tell with the caked on makeup and beer goggles hazing his eyes) leaned into him, her breasts nicely displayed for him to admire, which he blatantly did.

He laid on the charm, flirting for the first time in his life with someone that wasn’t Ava.

She eventually led him to a room in the back.

The sober side of him warned him he’d regret this, but the drunker side, the one that held ninety-nine percent of his consciousness, didn’t give two-shits about it.

He needed to numb his pain, if only for the night. His heartache was slowly killing him.

An hour later they were both pulling clothes back on.

She handed him her number on the way out.

He crumbled it into his back pocket, knowing he’d throw it away later.

Wes pulled out his phone, calling Violet to come bring him back to his dorm.

He slid down into his seat. He had just fucked another girl.

He felt guilty, like he had cheated. Except he hadn’t. He had just done exactly what Ava had told him to do months ago.

Wes had once been so sure he’d never be with another woman. He had never wanted to be. Ava was all he had ever wanted.

Without her he was lost.

Maggie was almost done packing, sighing over each piece that got placed in her suitcase. They were leaving tomorrow, the Southern California trip coming to an end. She would miss the friends that she had made and the freedom to drive to her heart’s content.

Thanksgiving was in a few days; the reason they chose to end the trip in November instead of staying or moving on. Wes was remaining at TU. He had made up some lame excuse about basketball training. Everyone knew it was because he wasn’t ready to be home and see Ava. Violet had decided to stay with him, not wanting Wes to be without family on a holiday. This would be the first holiday the triplets spent apart. It saddened her. She prayed it wasn’t the start of future times, only the rare exception.

Maggie missed her siblings. Their everyday phone calls and texts weren’t enough. She didn’t even have another trip to keep her distracted. She wasn’t planning on one until summer since she needed a chance to earn more money for it. She hoped to hit up Utah and Idaho, where they had more friends in the racetrack business.

It also meant no more time spent with Ryder.

Maggie knew things would go back to the way they were before they left. The closeness they had begun to share would be gone, and he’d go back to ignoring her instead of treating her like a friend. Well, maybe not a friend, but they had definitely created some sort of bond, even if it was miniscule in comparison to his closeness with the Stones and Violet. It was still more than they had before they came there.

The TV in the background caught her attention, alerting her to a movie marathon about to begin. She squealed, throwing in the rest of her belongings so they were a jumbled mess in her suitcase and zipping it closed. Maggie had already said her goodbyes to the boys at the tracks, so that meant she was free the rest of the day!

She galloped into Ryder’s room, the connecting doors still wide-open. He was packing, listening to an audio book. He had to be the biggest bookworm she had ever met.

She was mesmerized by a lock of hair that always seemed to fall over his eye.

A British voice spoke, “If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals…”

“I like that,” Maggie said, pointing to his phone that was reading the story.

Ryder jumped, not having heard her come in, “Yeah, she’s full of amazing quotes.”

“Who, the writer?”

“Yeah,” Ryder nodded his head, folding a shirt, gently placing it with the rest as though they were more than a piece of fabric and demanded respect.

“Who wrote this?”

Ryder paused, turning to face her, a gobsmacked expression on his face, “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“J.K. Rowling.”

“Oh, Harry Potter, right?”

He scoffed, “Have you ever read them?”

“No, but I’ve seen the movies.”

He shook his head in disbelief, placing a hand over his heart, “That wounds me, Maggie.”

Hearing him say her same sent a rocket off in the pit of her stomach.

She fumbled out her next words, nervous, feeling silly for it, “A Back To The Future movie marathon is next. You interested?”

“No thanks.”

“Oh, come on. Live a little,” she winked at him, jumping onto his bed, snatching the remote off the bedside table and turning to the channel she needed.

He finished packing while the movie started, “I’ve never seen these.”

“That wounds me, Ryder,” Maggie teased, looking for his room service menu. “Want to order a smorgasbord and make ourselves sick?”

He eyed the zipped up duffel bag, then her, then the space on the bed he would have to occupy. He did it three more times.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she reached for the phone, hitting the button she needed, rattling off every menu item that sounded good.

Ryder started off sitting at the end of the bed, as though any closer would give him cooties. By the end of the meal they were both so stuffed they had to lie on their backs on the bed.

“I’m in pain,” Maggie groaned.

“I never knew someone so little could eat so much. Where does it all go?” Ryder asked, poking her in the ribcage.

They both jumped from the contact, neither one expecting it.

Thirty minutes later she was ordering them sundaes, Ryder chuckling.

Somewhere during Part III they fell asleep.

Maggie didn’t wake until a thrashing of the bed jostled her.

Ryder was whimpering in bed, tossing back and forth, sweat covering his body.

It was the fourth time this had happened since the first night. The other times Maggie had stayed in her room, crying silent tears until he stopped, waking himself up.

She couldn’t be next to him and do nothing. It felt wrong.

Tentatively she reached her hand over, hovering it over his forehead before gently bringing it down. She ran her fingers through his strands of dark hair; it was the kind of naturally straight women fried their hair trying to achieve. The more she played with his hair, the more he seemed to calm down. Now the most noticeable things were the heavy beating of his heart and the air he couldn’t seem to breathe in.

His nightmares scared her. The only time she had seen this level of pain on someone’s face was when her dad told her and her siblings about his past. Except this was almost worse, because it was also accompanied by a whimpering noise.

Ryder startled her by shooting up in bed, gasping. He looked around the room, confused, not registering where he was. When his eyes fell on her it seemed to click.

“Were you just touching me?”

His voice wasn’t threating or even mad sounding, but it still had her feeling guilty, like she should lie and say no.

She nodded a yes, whispering, “Sorry, I was trying to help.”

“I don’t need you trying to fix me Maggie.”

“I wasn’t…” she tried defending herself.

“You are,” he argued. “You’ve been doing it this whole trip.”

She kept her mouth open, too stunned to speak.

Ryder reached around for the remote, turning the television off. He got up, heading to the bathroom.

“I was only trying to become friends,” Maggie explained to his back. “You’re close to everyone in my family but me. I thought maybe if we got to know one another you might stop disliking me, or I could figure out what happened to make you feel that way in the first place. I hoped I could try to make it right.” She got up, wounded, “I just wanted us to be friends. As far as touching you? Get over it. I only did it because nobody should have to have nightmares the way you do. I wasn’t trying to ‘fix’ you. I couldn’t ignore them any longer. I’m sorry I cared.”

Maggie fled to her own room, not wanting him to see her tears. She shut her room door that connected to his and locked it.

What was so wrong with her wanting to get to know him better?

Ryder stared at Maggie’s closed door, wanting to go after her.

He had been such a jackass. She hadn’t done anything wrong. If it had been the other way around, there was no way he could listen to her having nightmares and do nothing about it.

He should go apologize.

He didn’t. Instead, he went to the bathroom, changed into sweat bottoms and a comfortable shirt, and got back in bed. Ryder remained awake, staring at the ceiling.

He was confident he had just ruined whatever bond had formed over the past few months between them. It hadn’t been much, but he had begun looking forward to the end of the day, when it would be just the two of them doing what ever Maggie had planned. Maybe it was time he learned to let others touch him, to allow people in instead of closing himself off. He was tired of living in the darkness.

Ava's hands trembled around the container of cupcakes she was holding in the backseat of her parent's car.

It was Christmas and they were headed to the Baxter’s for dinner.

Wesley would be there.

This would be her first time seeing him since he left. It was wreaking havoc on her insides.

He had found an excuse to not come home for Thanksgiving, basketball practice or something, but Ava knew it was because of her. So did everybody else. It had been the most awkward, uncomfortable day of her life.

When they parked outside of the Baxter's house, Ava wasn't sure if she could get out. How was she supposed to act around him? Would it be awkward?

Of course it would be. How could it not?

“You coming?” Her mom asked, waving her on from outside the car.

Ava could barely manage a nod.

With wobbly knees and a sudden lightheadedness she exited, following her moms to the front door. Mrs. Baxter opened the door with a big Christmas greeting, ushering them in. They headed to the kitchen. Ava kept her eyes straight ahead, not allowing herself to glance around, afraid she'd see him.

Her moms and Mrs. Baxter were animatedly talking.

Ava didn't hear a word of it as she set her cupcakes down on the counter. She knew she had to turn around. She couldn't stay standing with her back to the room all day, no matter how much she wished she could.

The sound of his laughter prickled her spine and it took everything in her to not place a hand over her heart, wanting to stop the pain. She had spent countless nights dreaming about that laugh.

She turned around with as much confidence as she could.

There he was, leaning back into a cushioned armchair with an arm slung over the back, laughing and chatting with Violet, Maggie, and Parker.

She couldn't do this. It was all too familiar, too real.

Her moms went over to the four, giving them all hugs. They had seen Parker that morning when he came over for breakfast and gifts, but they still hugged him as though it had been ages.

Ava smiled as best she could, not looking at anyone directly, “Merry Christmas, everyone.”

“Merry Christmas,” the four said, not quite in sync.

Parker was the only one to give her a hug, whispering in her ear, “Sit by me today.”

She nodded into his chest, finding comfort in his familiar smell. She was so thankful for her brother.

She took the loveseat that was next to the couch where Maggie and Violet were sitting. Across from her was Wes. She kept telling herself to pretend he was family, just like Parker and Ryder were.

Ava looked around the room, “Where’s Ryder?”

Parker frowned, “He’s not coming.”

The thought of it deeply saddened her, “He can’t be alone on Christmas.”

“That’s what I told him.”

“We should bring him cupcakes later,” she suggested. There was no way her brother was spending the whole day isolating himself. Not when he had family who loved him.

“Works for me.”

An awkward silence took over, everyone fidgeting. The only sounds came from the kitchen, the parents busy at work.

Ava picked at nonexistent lint on her dress, daring to look through her lashes at Wes.

He was playing with his phone, giving her a free pass to stare a bit longer.

“Hey, mom!” Wes shouted, glancing up from his phone, eyes catching Ava’s. He stalled, staring back.

“Yeah?” His mom called back. When he didn’t immediately answer she tried again, “Wes?”

Eyes still connected to Ava, he answered, “Did you know the Kings were coming for dessert?”

“I talked to Carol this morning.”

“Cool,” Wes answered, finally removing his eyes to talk to his sisters. “X is bringing his girlfriend.”

Everyone was now focused on Maggie.

“I know,” Maggie announced. “Mom already told me. I can’t believe he’s still dating the same girl.”

Maggie let out a laugh. Everyone there knew her well enough to know she was jealous.

Xavier had met a girl the first week of his freshmen year. After the first date they had become inseparable. This was the first time they would all meet her.

Wes reassured Maggie, “I’m sure it won’t last.”

“Whatever,” Maggie dismissed him with a wave of her hand as though she didn’t care. “Speaking of boyfriends…” She smugly looked to Violet. “How’s yours?”

Violet shot her the death glare.

Parker had been reaching over the coffee table for a chip. He paused mid-bend before carrying on as though the comment hadn’t taken him by surprise.

Maggie happily snagged a chip of her own, “Well?”

“Great,” Violet quickly answered, kicking her sister’s foot.

This was news to Ava as well.

Maggie was still mad at her for breaking up with Wes, so the only way she ever got any information on the triplets was from her parents. What they knew was limited to whatever Mrs. Baxter shared, and Parker only talked to Violet about once or twice a month.

Maggie and Ava’s strained friendship hurt. She hadn’t counted on losing her too. She should have, but she hadn’t.

Violet changed the subject, sweetly looking to her brother, “Let’s ask Wes about his
girls
.”

It felt like someone had punched straight though Ava’s chest, ripping out her heart, ringing it dry, and then slapping her in the face with it before leaving it discarded at her feet.

Wes rolled his eyes, “There’s not much to tell.”

“I just thought Ava might want to know,” Violet’s bitter sarcasm was not lost on anyone in the room. “I mean, isn’t that what she wanted?”

Ava knew Violet wasn’t her biggest fan after what happened, but she hadn’t expected her to be so blatantly mean.

“Vi,” Parker warned, coming to his sister’s defense.

Violet got up, “Okay, so that was a cheap shot. I’m not apologizing for it. That’s
your
job.”

They all watched her leave to the kitchen, mouths gaped open.

Parker actually started laughing and the rest of them looked at him like he had gone crazy.

He threw a chip into his mouth, grinning, “She sure doesn’t hold back when she’s holding a grudge.”

“College has been really helpful with finding her inner bitch,” Wes explained.

“I heard that!” Violet shouted while everyone laughed.

Ava didn’t want Wes to have an opportunity to talk about his
girls
so she excused herself, claiming she needed to make a call. What she really did was go outside to the area that faced away from the tracks and stared into the desert.

She needed to pull it together. She couldn’t live her whole life being depressed over Wesley when it had been her choice to let him go in the first place. She needed to be happy for him. Truly happy, no matter what that entailed.

Wes followed Ava. He was going to regret this later, but for now he needed to be near her.

He found her hugging herself, staring off into the open desert. The urge to reach out and hold her was so strong he had to take a few steps to the side, making a nice gap between them.

“There aren’t girls,” he informed her, knowing she didn’t deserve an explanation.

Startled, she gasped, placing a hand to her heart.

She didn’t look over at him, which kind of pissed him off, “So this is how it’s going to be now? You trying to pretend I’m not right here?”

Ava put on a smile, turning his way, still not looking directly at him, “You’re right, I’m sorry. This is just weird.”

“This is what you wanted,” he reminded her, looking away. Face to face was too much for him.

“Your whole family hates me.”

“No they don’t,” he tried making her feel better. She wasn’t their favorite person but they didn’t hate her. His next question he almost didn’t ask, but the need to know was eating away at him, “How about you? Are you seeing anybody?”

She let out a short laugh as though the idea was ludicrous, “No.”

“What happened to Erick?” He was surprised he managed to get that one out without clenching his jaw or getting fired up.

She seemed taken back, not registering why he’d ask, then a lightbulb went off, “Oh, right. Nothing. He went off to college.”

A small part of his body relaxed for the first time in months. If he ever found out she was dating someone he might just lose his sanity.

“It’s okay about the girls,” Ava spoke dismissively, turning back to face the desert. “I just want to see you happy.”

That was real fucking rich coming from her.

He had only been with that one girl. The guilt over it wasn’t something he cared to repeat.

Her aloofness had him wondering why he cared.

Wes left before he said something hurtful.

Right before he shut the door with a force that vibrated the walls, he let out a snarky, “Merry Christmas, Ava.”

“What’s this about a boyfriend?”

Parker came in at the same time of her dad’s question.

Things couldn’t get any more perfect.

Violet cursed her sister, imagining all the ways she’d make her pay.

“He’s not really a boyfriend.”

That was kind of true. They hadn’t stated as much, although it was implied by the amount of time they spent together.

“How’d you meet?” Her mom asked, trying to come across as though finding out now and not sooner didn’t bother her.

“We kept crossing paths,” Violet decided to keep it simple. “He’d smile at me, I’d smile back. A few weeks later he asked me out.”

The front door slammed shut, distracting them.

Wes huffed into the kitchen, “Need any help?”

He nudged Violet out of the way, taking over the chopping. He hacked away at the onions, scowling.

“Tell us about Vi’s boyfriend?” Her dad urged Wes, stealing a peck on the lips from his wife and an ass squeeze.

Violet pretended to vomit at the sight.

Her dad laughed.

“Is that really necessary?”

“Yes. I have a beautiful wife,” he said, stating the obvious.

Violet rolled her eyes, reaching for some stuffing with her hand, her mom smacking it away, “I meant asking Wes.”

“I want to know what kind of boy he is, and I know Wes will have already scrutinized him almost as hard as I would.”

Unfortunately, he knew his son too well. Wes had “coincidently” shown up at the same place for dinner a few times, joining them without permission.

“Tylor’s actually pretty cool,” Wes responded, like he couldn’t believe it was true. “He’s a chemistry major and studies just as much as he spends time with Vi.”

“Mm,” was all her dad responded with, a scowl forming of his own.

“I think somebody doesn’t like you dating without him to intervene,” Violet’s mom whispered in her ear.

“I heard that,” her dad grumbled.

Aunt Stevie changed the subject.

Violet mouthed a thank you, getting a wink in return.

Parker came closer, leaning against the counter next to her.

She hated the way her heart picked up its pace. This was the closest they had been since graduation day.

“How come you never mentioned you were seeing someone?”

Violet shrugged, not wanting to admit she was a chicken.

She used sarcasm to cover it up, “The five minute conversations we have once a month don’t leave much time for anything other than a ‘hi, how’s it going?’”

His eyes revealed that her words stung. She knew he wanted them to talk more but she couldn’t bring herself to do it yet. She wasn’t sure if she could trust him enough to be friends again.

“Not sure if it means much, but I’m happy for you.”

Her head ticked back, “You are?”

“I told you, Vi. I want our friendship back.”

“Well, isn’t that great,” Wes fumed next to them, chopping close to his fingers with speed. “The Stones being so happy for us to find someone. Isn’t that just icing on the fucking cake?”

Both Parker and Violet’s eyes got bigger, not sure how to respond to Wes.

The kitchen fell silent.

“Who’s hungry?” Lily asked the room with forced cheerfulness. “Why doesn’t everyone go find a seat at the table?”

The meal was one of the most uncomfortable they had ever had.

Wes scarfed down his food, jumping up to start the dishes.

Parker sat next to Violet. She wished he hadn’t. His close proximity only confused her. She didn’t want her body to still react to his.

Winter break seemed far too long.

That night the Stones arrived at Ryder’s with dinner.

Ryder hadn’t wanted them to. Christmas was a time for families to be together. He didn’t want to be in the way. Ava had insisted, and he couldn’t say no to her.