When To Let Go (26 page)

Maggie pulled into a gas station, Ryder jumping out before it was fully in park.

They had only been on the road for an hour. He had been doing fine until she made the mistake of trying to talk to him. She had carried on a one-sided conversation for fifteen minutes until he asked her to take the next exit. Those were the first words he had spoken to her since that awkward moment in front of the bathroom at her graduation party.

She watched him tuck his hands into the front pockets of his blue jeans, shoulders hunched over. It accentuated his shoulders, his muscles forming on his arms and chest. His eyes were closed as he took in breaths of air, going in through the nose and out through the small gap of his parted lips, counting off each one as it left.

Maggie became mesmerized by his mouth. The longer she stared, the more her insides seemed to clamp together, forcing her to match each breath to his.

The heat of the sun beat down on her. Light from its rays bounced off the bumper, illuminating his silhouette. A few beams reflected back to her at an angle, forcing her to squint and place a hand over eyes. Sweat trailed down her temple and the nape of her neck, pooling at the underside of her kneecaps, waiting for the ride to resume.

In the distance cars whizzed along the highway. Huge semi-trucks created an unnatural breeze in the otherwise stagnant desert. The sounds of engines and rolling wheels composed a white noise, enveloping the area.

All of it left her lightheaded.

Ryder looked up at her through his thick lashes, fallen strays of dark hair covering his eyes. His breathing increased the longer their gaze remained sealed, unable to be ripped apart.

Neither one moved. Neither one spoke. Both were transfixed on the person standing a few feet away.

A car took the space behind them. The sound of a latch being pulled and a door pushing open disrupted their hypnotic state.

Ryder's eyes closed one last time as he took a deep breath, then let it all out as he turned to walk toward the convenience market.

Maggie wasn't sure if a walk could be described as pensive. Nothing else seemed to fit the way Ryder took each step. Every one of them appeared cautious and deliberate, as though they had already been debated. An air of sadness always cloaked him, thicker than winter clothing in below freezing weather.

She shivered, the salty drops of water on her skin feeling clammy. She brushed them off her forehead with the back of her hand before swiping her credit card to feed her gas-guzzling tank. Her eyes never wavered from the doors Ryder had disappeared into.

When he emerged from the double doors her insides clamped together, similar to before except this time, as she took in his sorrowful hazel eyes and features that grew increasingly more attractive over time, her heart played a game of hopscotch.

He handed her a fruit punch Snapple (her favorite) before gulping down a bottle of water.

She stared down at the plastic bottle, wondering how he knew.

The nozzle clicked and she placed it back in its holder.

“You ready?” She asked, opening the driver's side.

Ryder nodded. It was at odds with his eyes that screamed no.

Five minutes in and the silence was already killing her.

There was hardly anyone in front or behind them.

Maggie gripped the wheel tighter, “Do high speeds bother you?”

Out of her peripherals she saw Ryder turn his head to view her.

He didn't respond.

“I'm only asking because I want to go faster and not everybody appreciates it,” she didn’t understand those who didn't appreciate speed.

“I don't mind,” his subdued voice answered, still watching her.

At first his eyes made her self-conscious, but then the driving took over and everything melted away. It was just her, a car, and the road. It was the only time life ever made sense for her; when the world and all its chaos were nothing except blurred images out the windows.

She was free, of everything.

For the first time since she was behind the wheel, something caught her attention that didn't involve noticing a potential danger. It was the smile Ryder had on his face as he eased back into his seat, eyes straight ahead on the road. He was experiencing everything she felt when she drove this way, letting everything melt away. She knew it, she could feel it.

Her foot put more pressure on the accelerator, hoping that for this brief moment she might be able to help him shed away some of his layers and be free.

They drove that way until they met their first destination.

“This isn’t the exit,” Ryder sat up in his seat, grabbing the map.

“I know,” Maggie explained, a playful grin on her face. “You ever see the ocean?”

“No,” he answered, perking up as they got closer.

She found an empty space in a crowded lot, “Come on. It’ll make having to babysit me be worth it.”

Watching her drive had made it worth it. He had always wondered what she looked like. She always seemed so euphoric when she got out and it made him want to see what made her that way.

Now he knew. It was the freedom, the rush, the control.

The sea breeze hit him first, filling his lungs. He took it all in, closing his eyes while he slammed the door shut. The sun shined brightly above them, warming him to the core.

Maggie ushered him with her hand, “Come on.”

Ryder followed behind her, his senses going wild.

They took off their shoes when they hit the sand.

He wiggled his toes in the grains, a small smile forming.

In the distance the waves lapped lazily along the shore. Surfers happily awaited the next wave. Children made sand castles. Women were tanning. Men played Frisbee. Everybody was happy.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Maggie asked, finding a place to sit closer to the water.

“Yeah,” his hoarse voice was able to get out, overcome with emotion at the sight before him.

She smiled just as bright as the sun, “Nothing beats the view and feel of the ocean.”

Ryder stared back at her.

He could think of one thing: Maggie Baxter and her smile that could light up the darkest of places.

They ended up sitting there for over an hour, silently watching the waves play.

Ryder was sad to leave, glancing over his shoulder all the way back to the car.

Maggie and Ryder unlocked their adjoining rooms at the same time. She watched him glide in, his duffel bag slung over his shoulder.

She rolled in her own suitcase, immediately going to open the curtains to let the sun in, not knowing Ryder was doing the exact same thing next door. They both took in a deep breath at the same time, needing the light and sunshine. It kept Maggie bright and happy feeling. It reassured Ryder that there was brightness and happiness.

Maggie surveyed the room, deciding if she was hungry or if she wanted to do some channel surfing. She wasn’t due at the tracks until the morning.

A knock on the door distracted her.

No one was there when she opened it.

The noise came again and she realized it was coming from the door that connected their rooms.

Ryder stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking past her shoulder, his brown hair falling forward over his eyes, “Everything okay in here for you?”

She cheerfully smiled, “It’s great!”

A faint hint of a smile tilted the outer corners of his mouth, “Good.”

They both stood there for a beat, Maggie not knowing if she should say something more. She wasn’t used to how uncertain Ryder made her.

When he didn’t make a move to leave, she spoke up, “Are you hungry yet? I thought it might be fun to order room service and veg out on the bed watching a movie or something?”

“No, I’m good,” he cleared his throat, still not looking directly at her. “Do you think you could keep this door unlocked?”

“Uh, sure. Why?”

“Just in case.”

“In case of what?”

“In case you need me.”

Maggie laughed, thinking he was joking.

He didn’t laugh with her (not that she had ever seen him do so).

He was serious.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Maybe we should just keep the doors open between the two rooms.”

Maggie couldn’t help but laugh again, “Wow, you’re taking this job seriously. I don’t think my dad would care if we kept the doors shut.” In fact, she was pretty sure he would prefer it that way.

Ryder blushed, clearing his throat, “It’s probably best if we don’t mention it. I would just feel better if I could hear if something bad happened.”

Maggie didn’t know how to respond when he talked to her like he actually cared; it was very confusing compared to the man who ignored her.

“Okay,” she answered in a hushed tone, wondering what could possibly happen to her.

“Thanks,” he replied while he stuck down the doorjamb to keep his side open.

Maggie copied.

She gnawed on her thumbnail in the doorway.

Would he even be able to defend her?

She could tell by the way his clothes fit him that he kept in shape. Personality wise, he seemed like someone who would run instead of fight. Normally she would joke around and mention it, but things were different with Ryder. She kept her mouth shut.

The rest of the night it was bizarre for her to hear her own television and his playing. She had to bite her tongue to keep from asking him to join her.

Around two in the morning Maggie was startled awake from someone crying out.

It was coming from Ryder’s room. She quickly jumped out of bed and dashed into his.

She found him tossing and turning. Only a fitted sheet remained on the bed, all the sheets and blankets stacked neatly on the floor. Sweat covered his body, seeping through his clothes.

His eyes were still shut as he moaned, mumbling things that were hard to understand.

She went to him, sitting at the edge of the bed closer to the head and gently placed a hand on his clammy cheek.

Ryder’s eyes snapped open at the exact same time his hand took a death grip around her wrist.

“Maggie,” he breathed out, dropping his hand that had left a mark around the skin. He covered an arm over his face. “I thought you were somebody else. What are you doing in here?”

“Sorry,” she apologized in a whisper. “You were having a nightmare.”

He was still breathing heavy, “It’s nothing. Go back to bed.”

Maggie did what she was told even though she wanted nothing more than to comfort him.

The noises he had made sounded like a wounded animal. It had her heart breaking for him.

The next couple weeks all happened rather routinely. Maggie and Ryder got out of bed, dressed, ate breakfast in their separate rooms, then went to the tracks to meet other drivers, who she either raced or tagged along with on runs to see how they drove and worked their vehicle. Ryder remained the quiet observer. Some days she would even forget he was there, he stayed so far back and secluded from everyone.

On the way to the hotel one night, Maggie was too amped up from an amazing day of driving and she wasn’t ready to be cooped up in a room.

“Want to go out for dinner?” She asked Ryder. Usually they got takeout, room service, or fast food.

“No thanks,” Ryder replied, looking out the passenger side window.

“I know of a great hamburger place. They make the world’s best milkshakes. I swear. It even says so on their window, so it must be true,” she joked, pleased that one side of his mouth slightly lifted.

“I’m not that hungry.”

Maggie tried not to pout. She couldn’t handle another night cooped up in that room, “They have outdoor seating that faces the ocean?”

His body perked up a bit in his seat.

It encouraged her to carry on, “I bet we’d time it just right and get to see the sunset…”

He actually glanced over at her.

She did something she wasn’t proud of, and used the lost girl face that usually got people to agree, “Please?”

Ryder let out a heavy sigh, dragging a hand along his face, mumbling, “fine.”

She wanted to fist pump the air. Instead, she kept her cool, trying to hold back a smile. She failed. A big, fat one emerged. She was just too excited to get out. Maggie turned up the radio, blasting the song, singing along at the top of her lungs, her body wiggling around in her seat in excitement.

Dinner went exactly how she expected it: her doing all the talking. One thing she liked about Ryder was that he listened so intently, as though every word she said was fascinating to him. She would blush every time his eyes watched her lips move.

She kept quiet when the sun set, watching Ryder’s face more than the view. His eyes sparkled with happiness, and his dark, handsome features turned almost childlike from it. It was the first time Maggie knew that the real Ryder was inside him somewhere, wanting to be free.