Whisper (12 page)

Cam gives him the ‘up yours' sign behind his handbook.

‘Star?' I get a strange feeling when Helena uses Stella's deaf name. It shows a closeness between them that makes me kind of jealous.

‘I am going to G-a-l-l-a-u-d-e-t University. I am going to study photography and then I am going to take photos that matter. I want to take photos that highlight the deaf community and put us on everyone's radar. Today I want to just check the courses here, though they won't be as good.'

Helena nods, impressed. ‘G-a-l-l-a-u-d-e-t University, for those of you who don't know, is the world's only university for the deaf.'

I am in the don't-know camp.

‘It's in Washington D.C. Star has only just come back from there, haven't you?' Stella nods. ‘And it was awesome,' she signs.

I'm not feeling very impressive after Stella's little speech.She seems so focused, so determined. And so do the others I guess, in their own way.

But the careers they're interested in seem more realistic than law. I can't see that many problems in being a deaf carpenter or a deaf accountant.

And it's quite realistic to want to become a photographer when you're deaf. You could work alone. Even if I did become a lawyer, I don't know how I could actually work in a regular courtroom system. I've told myself to take one step at a time, but sometimes I feel that the next step will be right into a black hole.

I hope Helena grills someone else. For once the universe grants my wish. She does. ‘Chatter?'

‘I want to be famous.' The sign for famous is like two little birds flying away from each eyebrow. Keisha flies her hands really high.

‘Oh, really,' Helena signs with a smile. ‘What would you like to be famous for?'

‘Whatever,' Keisha replies, shrugging.

Everyone laughs, including me. But I'm glad when we run out of time.

chapter 16

Everyone is kind of red-cordialish on the bus to the careers expo. I think it's because we're all trying to keep hold of a bit of childhood. It's like we're all a bit freaked out that we're old enough to consider ‘careers'. Hands are flying about, and I reckon if I could hear it, the laughter would have a nervous edge.

I hope we don't stand out too much at the expo. I'm worried that the others will, especially when they're all revved up like this. I might blend in OK if I don't sign too much. It's not like I have a cochlear implant or hearing aids or anything to give me away.

I am sitting by the window. Keisha is next to me. She's still joking about being famous. She plans to carry a chihuahua around in a handbag. I wouldn't be seen dead with a dog in a handbag, but it's pretty funny watching Keisha explain her plans for fame. Especially since the sign for chihuahua is so cute. It actually looks like the animal, with the middle and ring fingers touching the thumb,the index and little fingers sticking up like ears. Then you wiggle your hand in little circles.

I hope she doesn't do it too much in public, but Keisha
is
an amazing signer. And her facial expressions are so animated. She totally deserves her deaf name – it feels like ages before I get a chance to ask her about Ethan.

‘So? Did you give Ethan my phone number?' I sign small and close to my chest, making sure no-one else can see.

‘God, he's really hot, D,' she replies. ‘Don't you think?

His eyes and his hair. He's got a good body, too.'

Her shaping of Ethan's body is accurate. His broad shoulders that taper down to a narrow waist.

‘Luke reckons he's the best player in the whole league!He gets best and fairest trophies all the time. But how ugly are those footy jerseys? Purple,blue and yellow. Yuk. I told Luke –'

‘Chatter,' I interrupt,and I have to because Keisha can jump from subject to subject until you can't even remember where she started, ‘did you give him my phone number?'

‘Well, after you left, this girl came up to him. You should have seen her. She was all over him. But I don't think he likes her because he kept trying to move away from her, but she was a magnet, right back next to him. So I wasn't sure whether to give him your number in front of her. But then, I was going to go home pretty soon, so I thought to myself, you'd better just do it or –'

‘Chatter!'

‘What?'

‘Did you give him my number?'

Keisha grins, and it's only then that I understand she's doing it on purpose. She's torturing me. I give her a sharp poke in the ribs.

‘Yes!' she signs finally.

As the bus pulls into the car park, part of me is thinking,
here we go, a bunch of deaf kids getting off the special bus
.

But I'm grinning anyway.

Ethan has my phone number.

Helena tells us we can wander around the expo as long as we stay in pairs. We are to meet at the entrance in two hours. She tells us to text her if we need an interpreter at any time.

I look around, wondering where to begin. There are students everywhere, milling around the booths that line the aisles. I imagine it would be noisy in here.

Luke sees a booth and heads towards it with Keisha in tow. Erica follows them. I can see Luke and Keisha's hands brushing. Then I see him taking hold of her hand.Just like that. And I understand that something has shifted between them, and that whatever happened must have happened after footy practice.

It's gorgeous, and weird, to think something so ordinary as watching a footy practice could have turned out like this.

I look around, trying to focus. It's all a bit full-on, the booths, the options. I'm wondering if I should start at my last preference and work my way up to the Melbourne pipe dream, or the other way around.

‘So, where do you want to start?' Stella signs. She has obviously decided we'll be together. Her head is tilted sideways and I realise that there's a bit of doubt in that angle.

I glance down at the guide Helena has given me. ‘There's a photographic college at Booth 10.' I keep my signing small, so as not to draw attention.

‘Come with me?' she signs, eyebrows raised.

Even though she's way shorter than me, Stella's strides are big. It's as though she's trying to take a shortcut into the future. I feel a little wave, like the wave of admiration for Luke coping with being the only deaf player in a footy team.

But then it occurs to me that despite all her force, all that certainty, maybe she's not quite as confident as she seems.The thoughts shift my feelings about Stella a little.They make her seem a little less untouchable.

The guy from the photographic college wears an army shirt, an eyebrow piercing and three-day stubble. He looks the part – he's clearly an artist. He smiles as we walk towards him.

‘Would you like to know a bit about our college?' he asks.

Stella is close beside me. She doesn't react. I wonder whether she's had problems lip-reading him. Just in case, I sign what he's said. I can see him registering our deafness.Despite his cool look, he seems fazed, like he's not quite sure how to continue.

‘It's OK,' I tell him, ‘I can lip-read.'

‘Oh, good … good,' he says falteringly.

Stella shifts from foot to foot. She won't look at him. I think back to her photos of deaf people being shut out and isolated, even persecuted, and I'm pretty sure this is tough for her. It's like she's being forced to fraternise with the enemy.

‘Can you ask him if they have film as well as digital classes?' Stella signs to me.

It's weird to have Stella deferring to me. She's a fish out of water here. If her whole family is deaf then she probably doesn't spend much time with hearing people like I do.

Artist Guy talks about the course, and I sign what he's said to Stella. It's not hard to lip-read him. He's facing me, giving me his full attention. But I have to drop the idea of pretending that I'm not deaf because I need to sign what he's saying to Stella.

When other students come up to the booth, he tells them to come back in five minutes. I know it's a bit irrational, but I feel kind of annoyed when he does that. In his politeness, he's separating us from the other students. Making us special.Making us different.

We're there for way more than five more minutes. Stella barely looks at him the whole time. She just waits for me to interpret for her. It's a strange feeling, but it's actually nice to feel useful.

When she's had her fill of information, Stella just steps away from the booth. I thank the guy on her behalf.

‘Thanks,' she signs as we walk away. ‘Where do you want to go? You never got to say what you wanted to do after school.'

I look down at the guide. The law school from Melbourne Uni is at Booth 35, but the idea of actually going there and asking questions is suddenly daunting. It feels like I have to decide if it's a real possibility for me.

When I look at Stella, her eyebrows are still raised, impatient for my response.

‘You're the smartest student in our year level, you know,' she signs.

I'm taken aback. Before I went deaf I always used to do better than my friends in tests and stuff. I was always the smart one. But my marks started slipping after I went deaf. I'm doing pretty well again now, but I didn't know that Stella had noticed. Part of me doesn't want her to, because those marks might create an expectation that I'm not sure I can fulfil.

‘If you keep getting good marks next year, you could get into medicine. Or law.'

When she signs ‘law' I look around to see if anyone from school has seen her. My expression must have given me away though. Stella pulls me towards Booth 35.

The woman at the booth reminds me of Maggie at Harry's party. I tell her I'm deaf and ask her a question with my voice. It's a question about entrance requirements, but I can see she's only thinking about me being deaf. She is polite and clear and I can understand her well enough, but I can see the ‘how brave' stuff kicking in already. I am distracted for a moment and just catch the end of the woman saying something about
special considerations
.

She gives me a brochure and points to the website details on the back. She starts talking about all the support the uni offers.

I look down at the section of the brochure she's highlighted. I feel my jaw clench at the words
Disability Liaison Unit
. I scan the text and see mention of special considerations for the disabled. Unless I've misunderstood I think she's saying that the entrance requirements for disabled students –
students like me
– are different. Different to
normal
students.

I feel a flash of anger, even though the woman is smiling and being helpful.

Stella has obviously picked up on what's going on.She's looking daggers at the woman. I just want to get away from this oh-so-helpful woman and get my thoughts together. I try to smile as I put the brochure in my bag.

There's a
thwack
on my shoulder and a hand millimeters from my face. It's Keisha and Erica.

‘How did you go, D?' Keisha signs. She doesn't wait for an answer. ‘I can't find any courses on how to get famous!'

We all laugh.

And that's when I see them.

The old gang. Nadia, Shae, Stavros and Lockie.

They are frozen on the spot, staring at us through the crowd. And already, I'm feeling something, like I'm being split in two. The old Demi is with Nadia and the gang, watching the deaf kids. That Demi is seeing Keisha's mouth, wide open as she honks and splutters her laughter. She's watching Erica's hands as they flail around.

That Demi is noticing the exaggerated facial expressions.She's seeing how different they are –
we
are. How
awkward
it all looks, how clumsy.

The other Demi is with her new friends, laughing – but aware, always aware, of being on the outer, of being judged by others.

When Nadia sees me looking back at her, she stops staring and waves. The gang comes towards us.

‘OMG!' Nadia says. ‘Demi!' Her arms are out and she grabs me and hugs. The hugs continue with the others.I'm tucked inside a cavern of hugs and I know that they're happy to see me. I try to let myself feel happy, too.

But I can feel Stella beside me. She's checking this out big time. She's watching me, she's watching my friends.

I'm sure she'll think the hugs are over the top, false. Sure enough, when I glance at her, her expression is cynical. Her eyes are narrowed and she's biting her lower lip and it all seems to say, ‘oh really?' As though she thinks my friends are patronising me.

It's not a comfortable feeling.

I'm kind of relieved when Stella backs away from us and removes herself from the group.

‘So, who are your friends?' Nadia asks.

Her face is open and friendly, and suddenly I feel bad.

Maybe I'm just being self-conscious and she wasn't thinking anything mean.