Whisper (15 page)

She must be talking about Erica now.

‘Like, you should
hear
her voice, Demi! It's so …' Nadia brings her arms up, her elbows at right angles and makes small jerky motions. Like a robot.

‘So retarded,' Shae finishes.

Shae and Nadia look at each other, then they look at me.Their expression is all concerned. Like they're
helping
me.

I should say something now. I should tell them that sign language isn't just hand movements. It's not like Keisha's puffing her cheeks just for fun – you have to puff your cheeks for some signs, or they don't mean what you want them to.

I should say that Keisha is one of the easiest people to follow when she's signing, because she wears her emotions on her face. And because her emotions are so … pure.

And I should tell them how lucky Erica is to have a cochlear implant that works for her even if it's not perfect.And what an effort she was making to talk to them at the expo.

I am angry with my friends, but these thoughts are pumping through me. They're racing around. I'm scared that if I start telling Shae and Nadia all this I'll lose it. I am scared I'll lose it at Stavros's house. At a party.

It would be worse than when I lost it on the oval with them that day. Maybe it'll be even worse than at Northfield.

‘Don't worry, Dem,' Shae says, misreading the look on my face. ‘You're nothing like that.'

‘No way,' Nadia agrees.

She takes a step forward, perhaps to hug me or pat me on the arm. She loses her balance. I put my arms out to stop her from falling.

Part of me wishes I'd just let her.

They're supposed to be my friends! It would be better if they were just straight-out awful, like Horse Girl. If they didn't hide their prejudices about deafness inside all this rubbish about me being different to the other deaf people.

About me needing to be kept away from them.

There's an influx into the kitchen. I slip away and text my mum.

I'm not the same as these people, these people who can still hear.

And I want to go home.

chapter 19

I spend the next morning in a kind of haze, trying to figure out whether last night was a complete disaster. It's already afternoon when I log onto MSN. Nadia and Shae are online.

Shae:
Last nite was awesome but now my head hurts

Nadia:
mine too but it was worth it. It was cool to c u Dem. u really cut it up on the dance floor

Me:
it was good to c u

My head is hurting too, but not from alcohol. It's from lurching between thoughts. I wonder if they were too drunk to even remember saying that my deaf friends are retarded.

Shae:
Rob was gutted that u have a b'friend lol

Nadia:
yeah, he kept on and on about it after u left

Shae:
But u don't have a b'friend, do u ???

My fingers are poised above the keyboard. That must be what Rob was asking last night. That must have been the question I'd said yes to because I had no clue what he was on about. Now I feel like it was a lucky response.

It feels good to hear that Rob likes me. I am flattered. In the light of day, last night doesn't seem so bad. I danced.Part of me figures that I'll have to toughen up, have to stop being so sensitive. I can't change the world. I can't change everyone's ideas about being deaf.

But I don't want to tell Nadia and Shae about Ethan. Not yet. I just don't feel like sharing stuff with them. It's not like anyone bothered to let me know that Shae and Stavros were finally together.

Me:
no

Nadia:
didn't think so. Wld be so pissed if u never even told us girl!

Shae:
I did the most massive vom, u should've seen it Dem

Me:
oh what a shame I missed out on that!

Nadia:
I saw it. It had hundreds of little bits of corn lol

We talk online for a while, to and fro about last night. None of us mentions the conversation in the kitchen.

By the time I close my laptop, I'm feeling better. I study for a couple of hours. We're doing osmosis for biology, and I'm not sure I nailed it on our test last week, so I try to wrap my head around it.

Then I decide to go for a swim. Dad is away at a work conference, but I think I'll get a DVD on the way back from the pool anyway. Normally Dad and I watch films together.

We have the same taste in movies. But maybe Mum and I can watch something together for once. God knows we could do with some time together.

I know that Ethan is away with his dad so he won't be at the pool. But for some silly reason I keep looking around, hoping he'll turn up.

It's twilight when I walk home. My favourite time of day, when the sun does a swap over with the moon. I get a DVD and some chocolate.

When I get home, no-one is there. There's a note on the whiteboard in the kitchen.

Sorry love. Had to go to Felicity's. Pizza in freezer.Make sure you use the alert pager. Not sure when
I'll be home.
Mum xx

I can't believe it. Mum and Flawless are so selfish!They should know I don't want to be left alone at night.If they understood anything at all about being deaf, they would understand that it's scary.

There's a jumpy feeling in my heart. The light through the kitchen window is fading fast. I clip the alert pager to the waist of my tracksuit pants and press the tester button.

It's my only way of knowing if the doorbell rings, or the phone. That's all I have to rely on. It seems to be working.

I could ring 000 if I needed to, but if they asked me a question I'd be lost. They'd probably think it was a prank call. You can't even text the emergency number.

I can't believe they'd do this to me.

From the kitchen door, I look into the lounge room.The beam from a car's headlights travels across the wall, like a searchlight. As if someone's looking in through the window, searching for me.

What if the driver has just pulled up into our driveway?What if he's getting out of his car? I wouldn't even know.He could be looking for a way into this house.

I'm so, so angry. How could Mum take off to Felicity's house just like that? It's not fair. It's like Flawless is the only daughter on Mum's radar. If
she
needs something, then Mum just drops everything. Including me.

There's a hollow feeling inside me, but I'm not hungry and I'm definitely not interested in frozen pizza.I walk through the house, switching on every light.Each empty room is a reminder that they've left me here, alone, at night. Every room is a potential place for someone to hide.

My bedroom window is open. Someone could easily take off the fly screen and climb in. Maybe they already have. Maybe they've taken down the fly screen and climbed inside and then replaced it so I wouldn't know?

I close the window and lock it, trying not to think that I might be locking them in inside with me.

Felicity can hear. And she's got Ryan. She doesn't ever have to feel like this. If she wants help with the boys, she should pay someone. She's got the money. Why does it always have to be Mum? They're probably sitting down to a yummy dinner right now, not frozen pizza. They're probably chatting, the way they do, just hanging out together, while I'm here. Alone.

I hope I'm alone.

The hallway seems longer than usual. Maybe there are footsteps behind me? Is that someone's breath I can feel on the back of my neck? I keep turning around, but he could be hiding, they could be hiding, anywhere. The curtain in the lounge room is puffed out. It could be nothing or it might be them.

She's not even Mum's real daughter.

I shock myself when I think that. I've never really thought of Felicity as a half-sister. She's always been there, and she's always just been my sister.

They've pushed me here, to this mean thought. Mum and Flawless.

I perch at the end of the couch. It's the best position for seeing what is going on in the house. It's a lookout.

I leave the DVD on the coffee table. A plastic-encased accusation.

I don't turn on the TV. I just sit there, watching and waiting in silence.

It's 11.07 p.m. when the front door opens. I have a speech prepared. I'm going to deliver it with my voice. It's not going to be about being scared to be left alone at night. I was going to include that, but there's something humiliating about having to say it. I shouldn't have to. Mum should just know.

It's going to be about me getting a DVD to watch together, and it's going to be about Mum being Felicity's slave, running over there all the time.

Mum doesn't see me straight away. I watch as her eyes do a scan of the house. As she takes in the fact that every light is on, her right hand rises to her mouth and stays there.I think I see her gulp. I think I see her get what she's put me through.

Then she sees me. She doesn't even put her handbag down. She walks over and sits next to me on the couch.

‘I got a DVD for us to watch,' I say, pointing. ‘It's an overnight. Too late now. What was so urgent that you had to go to Felicity's without even waiting to see if I wanted to come?'

Mum sinks into the couch. She's not normally a sink-into-the-couch kind of person. She's more of a sit-up-straight one. I don't like it.

‘I'm sorry, sweetie,' she says. Up close like this, I can see that her eyes are tired. She takes a deep breath and seems to be thinking about what to say ‘

Dem, Felicity isn't very well.'

A strange look passes over her face. It's a sort of half frown, but with a smile on her mouth. Her eyes stay dull.‘She's … um … a bit under the weather at the moment.'She signs the last bit.

For I second I am worried, but the anger wins out. It's just Mum trying to distract me from being angry with her.

‘Has she got the flu?' I ask curtly.

‘She actually has had the flu. Now she's feeling tired. She needs me at the moment, Dem.' Mum's eyes have narrowed as she signs.

Is she suggesting that I don't need her?

Felicity has had the flu and is tired. I am deaf.

Which one of us needs her more?

I stand without another word and go to bed.

chapter 20

It's Monday and I'm supposed to be meeting Ethan after school. It's all I can think about. I worry that I won't be able to lip-read him properly this time. I worry that he'll think I sound like a retard when I talk.

In my last class for the day I start thinking I'll cancel.I draft a text to Ethan, but for some reason I just can't send it.

I pack my bag with all the books I need and put it on my back. It's really heavy. The sign for ‘turtle' jumps into my head. It's one hand on top of the other, all the fingers aligned. The thumbs wag for flippers.

It's a cute sign but hardly the look I am going for.Anyway, I need to start thinking like a hearing girl.

I walk slowly towards the milk bar. I stop at the corner.I can see him. There's a whole bunch of kids there, but Ethan is taller than anyone else. A girl is hitting him with a flat palm on the chest. The same girl is now hugging him.It's like she's hitting him so that she can hug him afterwards.It happens twice before I realise who it is.

Horse Girl.

I take a step backwards. I think I might be able to slink away before he sees me. But he suddenly looks over at me, raising his arm in a wave. He walks away from the group towards me. Horse Girl's eyes follow him. My bag feels like lead. My mouth is dry as I try to return his smile.

Horse Girl's eyes are small to begin with, so when she squints at me they practically disappear. Her mouth, though, is extra large. Unfortunately, she's not that hard to lip-read, even from a distance.

‘Oh … sweet!' she says to another guy nearby. ‘Ethan must be … project for SOSE. I … a homeless shelter.'

It takes me a minute to process, my mind perhaps refusing to follow her logic. But then it hits me.

I feel like slapping her in the face. Either that or running in the other direction. Once, I would have seriously considered the first option, but right now the latter seems to be the stronger impulse. It's only knowing how clumsy and turtle-like I would look, doing that with my heavy bag, that stops me.

Ethan turns back to Horse Girl so I can't see what he says to her, though I can see him shake his head – maybe like he doesn't know what she's on about. I hope.

Horse Girl stands with her hands on her hips, staring at us. We turn and head in the other direction. I don't look back. Ethan offers to take my bag. I've never been one of those girls who gets guys to do things for them, but it's super heavy, so in the end I let him.

We walk along the footpath, Ethan carrying both of our bags. When I sneak a look at him, I can see his mouth moving. I try to lean forward so I can see what he's saying, but it's no good from this angle.