Whisper (14 page)

Dad waves a hand in the air to get our attention.He's speaking. I wish I could hear him. I have a memory of his deep voice, of how his words used to sound. He always looks into my eyes when he speaks to me. So even with the moustache in the way, I get his gist.

‘… different ways … successful … proud of Demi … hard decisions.' He winks at me. It's very quick and only I can see it. ‘Very proud,' he repeats.

‘… course … proud,' Mum says to Dad. Then she looks at me. ‘Of course the choice is yours. But Jules tells me that there's a lovely new interpreter that we could maybe get full time at your regular school.'

I shake my head and tap the underside of the table impatiently. I wish she'd just let it go. I can't believe she still hasn't given up on me going back to my old school. I try to change the subject, try to give Mum something she can grab onto.

‘Stavros invited me to a party tomorrow night.'

Mum pauses. She tilts her head, and I know she's pleased.Pleased in a way she never would have been before I went to the deaf college. What average mum would be delighted to hear her teenage daughter is going to a party?

‘That's great, Demi.' She's enthusiastic, but then the shadow settles back over her face. Like it's good that I got invited out with my hearing friends, but it's still not quite enough.

‘But if you went back to your old school, you could see them all the time. You could stay in the mainstream.'

I wait her out. There's a break while she gets dessert, and it's back on again. Then, finally, I'm saved. It must be the phone ringing, because Mum gets up before her speech is finished. She goes into the lounge room, then appears in the doorway. Her hand is over the receiver.

‘It's Felicity,' she says, with an odd look on her face.

I think it's rude to leave the table like that when we have a guest. But it's Felicity. She always seems to trump whatever else is going on. I feel that familiar rush, the rush of
unfairness.
That Mum and Flawless never seem to run out of things to talk about, while Mum and I just seem to bump against each other all the time.

Like all I've become to her is an issue she has to solve.All I've become to her is my deafness.

Mum pauses, briefly, to say goodbye to Jules. Dad shakes Jules' hand, and wishes him well for his adventures.

I walk outside with Jules. I'm carrying Mum's annoying speeches about going to a regular school. But I'm also carrying what happened at the market, and how I treated him afterwards. I don't know which baggage is heavier.

‘She's just trying to take care of you,' he signs, when we stop at his bike. ‘She's afraid for you, D. She can't help it – it's in her nature.'

‘She's also very bossy,' I sign. ‘It's in her nature.'

Jules has a great smile. Looking at Jules smiling, I remember all the times he's helped me through. I take a deep breath.

‘At the market that day …' I sign. It's horrible, remembering it. I didn't even ride home with him. I cringe as I remember how cold and distant I was afterwards. I know he didn't do anything wrong. ‘I'm sorry …' Jules shakes his head. He grabs my hand to stop any more signing.

‘Don't worry about it, D. Honestly, don't worry. You had so much to deal with. You were just a bit confused, that's all,it's no big deal.'

He has signalled the end of the conversation. It's a relief.

He lifts his bike seat and gets his keys. He sits down and puts his helmet on. I watch him turning the key in the ignition, and try to imagine the sound it makes.

There's a sliver of moon in the sky up ahead. He sees it at the same time I do, and we both sign it as we stare up to it.The sign for moon is just like it looks tonight. Thumbs and pointers start together, then separate while they trace the sliver and come back together at the end.

It's a beautiful sign. It really is.

As Jules takes off, it looks like he's clipped his bike to the moon by an invisible string.

I feel better about what happened at the market.I'm excited about going to Stavros' party. And then, there's Ethan.

The universe might not give me what I wish for, like it seems to for Jules. It doesn't want to give me back my hearing.

It doesn't want to get Mum off my case.

But right now, I feel good. Hopeful that things will work out. Somehow.

chapter 18

By the time Mum drops me at Stavros's house on Friday night, I'm kind of late. Mum had been having another one of her super-long phonecalls with Flawless.

‘Just text me when you're ready to come home, love,' she says.

I can tell she's noticed that there are no cars in the driveway. I wait for her to ask if Stavros's parents will be home. She doesn't. And I know why. She's just glad I'm here.She's just happy that I'm out and about, associating with my old friends. My hearing friends.

I pause for a second at Stavros's front door. I'm feeling a bit nervous. I've been to his house before. I
should
be fine. I ring the doorbell, and have to trust that it works.

‘Hi, Demi!' It's Shae with Stavros behind her, his arms wrapped over her shoulders and around her front. It's hard to tell where Shae finishes and Stavros begins. It's weird, seeing them together. I didn't even know.

Shae and Stavros weave down the hallway in front of me, still attached. There is a close call with a wall. Shae lifts her bottle of Cruiser and looks at it like it's to blame for the detour.

I take the bottle she offers me, and follow them down the stairs to the basement.

It's a pretty cool room. It's really big. There's loud music playing. I know by the vibrations I can feel through my shoes, and from the way people on the dance floor are talking directly into each other's ears with cupped hands. It's good to know. In a room full of action and noise, I won't stand out.

To one side there's a pool table. In the centre there's a big modern leather couch that's replaced the worn out two-seater that used to be there. There is a couple putting it to good use. At least they have their clothes on.

Nadia's on the dance floor with Lockie. I smile as I watch them. Nadia's a jumpy dancer. An up-and-down-on-the-spot dancer. And Lockie hasn't improved much since his break-dancing that day, though now he seems to be trying for some punky overtones. Nadia sees me mid-jump, and then jumps over to me.

‘Hi, hon!' she says, looking genuinely pleased to see me.

‘You made it!'

I nod. I feel pretty confident to give my words a bit of volume.

‘Yeah, finally,' I say. ‘Mum was on the phone with Flawless for ages.'

Nadia smiles. She picks up a can from the table behind her, and takes a swig.

‘And how is Misssperfection?' she asks, running the words together. It's only because I know her speech patterns that I get what she asked. She takes another swig as she waits for an answer, and it's clear she's had quite a few of them.

‘She's good, I suppose,' I say.

‘Of courssse she is,' Nadia says with a roll of her eyes.

I open my drink and have a sip. It's really sweet. A hand falls over my shoulder from behind me, swishing the contents of a bottle of boutique beer. I turn around. It's Rob.He's a classic hipster – thick-rimmed glasses,big hair, grey cardigan.

I wonder what Ethan wears when he's not at footy or the pool.

Rob is in the year above. I know him, but not that well.

‘Hey you,' he says, as though he knows me so well he doesn't have to use my name. Which he doesn't. ‘Where have you been? Why didn't you come last time?'

I assume he means that Stavros has had other parties.I didn't know there
was
a last time. It puts me off guard.Why wasn't I invited?

Rob doesn't seem to notice. He doesn't wait for an answer either. ‘Geez , you look …'

I think he's said ‘awesome'. But I'm not absolutely sure.He's standing next to me, and it's hard to lip-read from this angle. His arm is still around my shoulder, hanging heavily.

Nadia waves at me with one hand as she gets pulled back onto the dance floor by Lockie.

‘Do you want to dance?' Rob asks. He suddenly thinks about what he's said. ‘I mean, um.
Can
you still dance?'

I'm not really sure if I can still dance. Or if I want to try in front of all these people. But I'm reassured as I look at the dance floor. There are some pretty clunky moves happening out there. And I don't really want to stand here by myself.So I nod.

It's very weird to be dancing without music, but it's actually quite fun. Rob is a pretty good dancer. And I'm doing OK too.I watch the way the others on the dance floor are moving to get the beat. Even though everyone is doing their own thing, there is a common rhythm to their movements that I can follow. Once I have a feel for it I close my eyes and let myself imagine that it's Ethan dancing opposite me.

And I let myself imagine the music. I can't hear it, but I can feel it. The vibrations are a shooting massage. I'm alone in not hearing the music, but it's like I'm creating my own song, and it has texture and rhythm. And for once I feel like I'm blending in.

I can see that people are talking, or rather yelling, as they dance. I catch little bits of what they're saying.Nadia is moaning to Shae and Stavros – who are still all over each other – about how her mum is going to pick her up soon.Ellie is telling Nate that he should go with her somewhere.Though I don't get what time Nadia is being picked up, or the somewhere Ellie is suggesting she and Nate go, I still feel OK. I feel like I kind of know what's going on. Probably more than the others, at this point, because I'm a better lip-reader. It's only when people cup their hands to their faces to talk into others' ears that I am reminded of how much I am missing.

Then suddenly, without any warning, someone switches off the lights. I feel a flash of panic, and something inside me switches off with them.

They've had a few drinks and they've forgotten. They've forgotten that I need to see, that I can't follow their conversations and that I can't have hands cupped to my ears and messages delivered. They've forgotten that they can yell at each other, they can pass on thoughts and feelings, and they can keep on having fun while a growing sense of panic threatens to engulf me.

I keep moving. And breathing. My eyes slowly adjust to the darkness. I think the music might have been turned down, because I see lips moving without cupped hands.I see people talk to each other on the dance floor, though I have no idea, now, what they are saying to each other.

I'm locked out.

I don't want to dance anymore. I back away, towards the couch. There are heaps of people sitting there now, lounging and chatting.

I think about switching the lights back on. But they want the lights off. And why shouldn't they? Why should they have to think about one deaf girl, when they want the romance, the ease, of darkness? I remember how much I liked chatting quietly in a darkened room. I remember how much I liked whispering with my friends.

I am suddenly, horribly aware that I can't do that anymore.

I find a space on the couch and sit down, tucking my legs up underneath me. I will be OK.

I. Will. Be. OK.

I will just wait it out. Sooner or later, someone will switch on the lights again, and then I will be part of the party again.It calms me a little to think that.

It's weird. I feel like I'm inside one of Stella's bubbles.I feel like Stella is in there with me, sitting beside me, signing, ‘See? This is what they do, the hearies. They isolate you.They ignore you.'

I don't want Stella's thoughts. I try to push them away.Then I feel a shape next to me. It's Rob, sitting down on the leather couch beside me. He's talking to me but in the near darkness his mouth is moving like fish-lips. His words are indecipherable. All I can tell, from his arched eyebrows,his pause, is that he is asking me a question.

‘What?' I ask, sitting up and trying to focus on his mouth as he repeats himself. It's no good.

I wriggle around on the couch. I decide to nod, hoping that what he's asked me is a yes or no question.

It seems like the wrong answer. Rob looks disappointed.He shakes his head, gets up and walks away.

I sit by myself on the couch.

Finally, the lights are switched on again.

‘ThereyouareDemi!' Nadia says. I can tell she's slurring her words as she comes over to me.

Shae is with her. Shae's smile keeps changing shape, moving from grimace to grin. I wonder if she is feeling a bit sick. Each of them grabs one of my hands.

‘Let'sgosomewhereandtalk,' Nadia says, and pulls me towards the stairs.

We head into the kitchen.

‘It's good that we saw you at the careers expo,' Shae begins.

She leans against the kitchen bench and swipes a glass sitting there. It topples over to the ground and breaks.I find myself wincing even though I don't hear the smash.Habit, I suppose.

Shae looks surprised. Like the broken glass had nothing to do with her. She leaves the pieces where they dropped.

‘Yeah,' Nadia continues. ‘You know, Shaeandme … talking.Wegottastayin contact … you, Dem.'

‘You can't … stuck with those people,' Shae continues.

For a second, I wonder what she means. Shae goes on to explain.

‘Like, that girl, Keeeisha?' Shae goes on, swaying so she bumps her hip into the bench. I move the other glasses back to keep them safe. ‘She's, like …'

Shae contorts her face. She puffs out her cheeks in the way that Keisha does when she's excited.

I feel like I've been slapped. Keisha has become a friend.And what's more, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met. She doesn't deserve this. I flinch, but there's more.

‘What about the other girl?' Nadia joins in the massacre, and she seems to have sobered up a little. Her words are clearer, sharper. Like knives. ‘The one with that plastic thing in her scalp? Eew, gross.'